Friday, September 23, 2011

Basil the Seahorse

Deep, deep down at the bottom of the ocean is a magical place called Seahorse Valley.  In Seahorse Valley lives hundreds of happy seahorses.  The seahorses spend their seahorsey days swimming, laughing, singing and playing in the ocean currents.  The song  of the seahorses is quite intoxicating, once you hear them singing and laughing you can't help but feel happy.

All the creatures of the sea love to visit the seahorses.  The joyous sounds can calm the most aggressive sharks and could make the grumpiest urchin smile warmly.  Seahorse Valley is the safest place in the entire ocean.

Every predatory instinct is extinguished in the presence of the beautiful seahorse sounds.  Seals and sharks swim paw in fin, clams use otter bellies as fuzzy undersea pillows, swarms of krill playfully tickle whales.  Every animal is smiling in it's own way.

Seahorse Valley is ruled by a kindly King,  King Waterspout.  King Waterspout is a stout and happy seahorse king gifted with the most melodious voice in the entire ocean.  Every year, thousands of creatures gather to listen to the King sing on his royal birthday.

This year is no different.  The aquatic critters gather in the valley outside of the seahorse palace.  Actually, this year is different.  King Waterspout is about to announce his retirement and hand his crown to his son, Basil.

Like all the others, Basil is a happy seahorse.  Except Basil holds a dark secret.  Basil has Tourette Syndrome.  He normally has it under control but stressful situations make him lose his concentration and he could blurt out words unintentionally.  Unbeknownst to himself, Basil is about to become king.

The King's birthday is always an easy day for Basil.  He never has anything to worry about.  He just has to sit back, snack on delicious snacks and observe the happy animals watching his father preform.  

Basil sits on a comfortable cushion and watches his father walk out onto the royal balcony.  "My friends," says the King.  "Thank you all for joining us once again to help us celebrate my birthday."  The crowd erupts into joyous applause.  "But I have to announce that I will not be singing this year."  The crowd gasps audibly.  "I am getting old and it is time for me to step down as King."

As realization hit Basil's brain, his eyes shoot from the hor dourves to his father in an instant of panic.  Basil grumbles under his breath *titty cunt pussy balls* and puts his fin over his mouth.

His father continues, "But fret not my friends, for the NEW KING has a wonderful singing voice."  

Which is true, Basil has one of the most gorgeous seahorse voices in generations.  But Basil has never sang before a crowd before, only for his family and friends.  He has controlled his Tourettes so well over the years that his father must have forgotten.  *shitty titty testicle torture*.

The King's voice rises in volume.  "I present to you, the new King of Seahorse Valley, my son, King Basil the 1st!!"  The sound of thousands of pairs of fins, paws, claws and shells clapping is deafening.

Basil stands, mouth agape for several seconds.  Gaining control of his fins he propels himself the the front of the balcony, urinating slightly.

"I am so proud of you" the king whispers to Basil.  "Take it away, your Majesty"  

Trembling and unprepared, Basil faces the crowd and surveys his kingdom.  He breaths deeply several times and begins singing "The Lobster's Tulip".  

The miraculous sound of Basil's voice sweeps over the valley.  Every animal sways in unison to the beautiful song.  As Basil approaches the crescendo of the song a familiar feeling starts happening in the back of his brain.  "oh no, not now" thinks Basil.  

His voice rises to an incredibly high pitch but instead of the next lyric of the song concerning the lost and once again found lover of a lobster, a slew of the foulest profanity ever uttered is sung at high volume.

*Hairy pussy tits slimy stinking cunt cunt cunt hamburger enema asshole fist fucker shit eater ball biting poon-swaggler eat my dick eat my horsey dickhole cock sucker*

The magic spell of the valley is shattered. The elder king topples over backwards, dead.  The crowd, silent for several seconds, explodes with screams.  Every predator lashes out in every direction, snapping and biting any creature unlucky enough to be within jaw-reach.  Crabs jump on starfish and clip off legs, sea turtles vomit and convulse, eels force entry into any available animal orifice, clown fish float toward the surface dead from shock and the seahorses weep.

Moments later, the water muted dark red, the only animals left in the valley are the dead and dying.  Basil untouched by the carnage stands alone on the balcony.  

Basil lives alone in the shattered palace for the rest of his days.  A king of a dead kingdom.  Some say that if you listen carefully on a full moon, you can still hear Basil swearing. *Shitty tits* 

All Hail King Basil the 1st

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