A One-Legged Vagrant's Guide to the Movies

This picture is of me from when i was in the newspaper

Frisky Pete here.  I went to them theatres and saw some movies.  People always askin Frisky Pete about the movies, so I am gonna tell  people about the movies.  These are some movies i went too this week, I will go too more when I get more money selling plasmuh.

A picture i found of the movie

I went to the building where they were showin Captin America.  That movie house has too many steps.  I had to make a walking stick out of newspapers and duct tape.  I don't like how they keep the trash cans so close to the bathrooms, because it is gross to eat out of the cans when they are so close to people peeing.  Loyal fans of the franchise will find the conversion of the original storyline into a digestible film-friendly format satisfying, and newcomers will not be turned off by any unnecessary complexity.  And I found two whole pockets worth of candy and popcorn.

This is the Hairy Potter movie

I went to the bigger movie house next to the library (the library with the really big sinks that you can sit in all the way).  There was too many people for this movie, but lots of kids.  Kids have small hands and drop lots of candy, so that was good.  They don't have stairs but have just a big ramp which is better, but you have to push throo a turning gate which is hard with one leg.  The films final moments leave the viewer with a sense of completion and satisfaction that is rarely achieved in modern film.  Be prepared to experience loss, suspense, and ultimately cheer in this final installment.  I stayed for 20 minutes after everyone left checking the cushions until they turned the lights off and said to go away.

This is the one i didn't get to go to

There is this one movie transformers that I tried to get to see but they wouldnt let me in because I yelled at a lady.  They had a really big cat in the parking lot that was eating all the food in the parking lot.  I threw 2 rocks at it but some kids got mad and threw a rock at me so I left there.

Singer Amy Winehouse has found died

A lady Singer Amy Winehouse, that is of ill repute for precipitous public behavior, arrests and beta-practices problems, the deceased at their dwelling in London Saturday was found, their confirmed journalist. Them were 27.

Them were 27

Their death came less than two months to their latest dismissal of a rehabilitation program and weeks following a devastating achievement, where it became to expenditure-whistle starting from a Belgrade, Serbia, phase by disappointed trailers.

Winehouse died while the same aged as four other music type people. Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin and Jim Morrison, which everyone of drug overdoses died, if they were 27. Briefly Cobain was 27, when he committed suicide, soon after its dismissal of rehabilitation.

Following a devastating achievement

Police called death "inexplicably " early in its investigation.

London police said that they were called to a home, which adapts the address of Winehouse Saturday afternoon in answer to "a found woman are differently ".

"a found woman are differently "

On arrival officer has the body found 27 years an old woman, who was expressed the deceased at the scene, a police statement said.

Everyone, which is complicated with Amy, is shocked and is devastated, Our thoughts are with their family and friends. The family will spend a statement, if prepares.

Everyone, which is complicated with Amy

The rehabilitation singers a history had fight from drugs and alcohol and has recently a British rehabilitation programmed left, which a representative said, was intended, to prepare The Winehorse for planned European concerts type events and rides.

The Winehorse for planned European concerts type events and rides.

But it cut the European concert journey briefly last month following a concert in Belgrade, where it has varied around the phase and is by several songs. A firm witness grasped tightly and did make by the way of Winehouse.

A firm witness grasped tightly

Public members have Winehouse starting from the phase expenditure-whistled, the night only a few songs in the concert, first of the journey. Snack type meals were to be served but not to avail.
The singer Winehouse has agreed with line her to the best one of her ability not accomplish cannot, and will home come.

Snack type meals were to be served but not to avail

Winehouse sensitively brought the British musician fame in 2007, but she off lives won her notoriousness. The lyric poetry of their songs, particularly the impact rehablitation, noted chronologically their disturbed life.

The song, in which she has sung "you has tried making me rehabilitating goes, I said no no no", to form the view of the public of the Winehouse helped.

"you has tried making me rehabilitating goes, I said no no no"

I worry myself not enough, in order which people think of me for corresponding me to something “it said into 2007 an interview said.

Winehouse, born in London in 1983, is a picture of one has juvenile rebels become, after she was referred by outstanding representing arts, gives first schooling to.

"I worry myself not enough"

"A gradual recuperation, which is good", told the father Mitch of Winehouse. "With reviling reverse steps -- beta-practiced reverse steps, more beverages reverse steps, if you follow my deviation. I think that that will be the sample of the recuperation".

More beverages reverse steps, if you follow my deviation.

The Grammy, has a statement Saturday the occupation Winehouse spent "a dynamic artist and musicians, who have smoothly blendered rock, jazz, bang, and slop created and, a sound everything their own filth".

"Created sound everything their own filth"

"Your rich, sensitive and unique voice has their honest songwriting and earned it a dedicated trailer following, critical applause, and the genuine consideration and the admiration of their musical equal ones reflected", said the recording academy statement. "You becomes always on for its enormous talent, and their music will live on for generations to be reminded to come. Our deepest sympathies go to their family, friends, and trailers during this difficult time out".

Critical applause

Celebrity Slander! Completely Untrue Stories of the Rich and Famous

Welcome to Celebrity Slander:  Weekend Edition!  I'm your host Pal Punchy bringing you another exciting installation of fabricated stories designed to damage the reputation of our most beloved national icons.  Let's begin with inexplicably popular British import, Russell Brand!

Russell Brand is seen here, angrily reacting the presence of paparazzi cameras at an illegal Tijuana donkey show.  Particularly shocking is Rusty's choice of arm candy... a 13 year old local Mexican boy!  Hey Russell, how much did you have to tip to get front row seats at this Gallagher-like splatter festival?  Thanks to our Mexico branch for the great investigative work, and to the local burro show floor for their exceptional lighting!

And now the latest on always lovely songstress Taylor Swift, seen here trying not to look terrified.  We here at Celebrity Slander have uncovered documents that link investments made from her personal accounts that filtered to the Revolutionary Armed Forces of Colombia (known by its Spanish acronym, FARC) and the National Liberation Army (ELN)--  both leftist guerilla factions that are listed by the U.S. State Department as terrorist organizations.  This news has revived previous claims that Swift has been heading an illegal cocaine smuggling operation, allegations that have been categorized by the singer's manager as "mostly untrue".

And what would a Friday be without a story from America's favorite transgender horrorshow, Carrot Top!  Ground has been lost in his battle to suppress what he calls an "urban legend" story that has taken the Internet by storm.  It all circulates around a hospital visit in August 2010 in Santa Barbara, from which it is alleged that 73 fluid ounces of assorted bodily discharges were pumped from a flooded esophageal passageway, narrowly saving his life.  A recent setback results from the comedian's poor judgement in filing a lawsuit against the hospital that treated him, accusing them of causing undue emotional stress for failing to return the evacuated body fluids.  But in an unfortunate consequence what would have been private medical procedure protected by the constitution, filing a lawsuit has made the gory details publicly available.  We won't get into the specifics, except to say this it involved a leather bar and a sourdough bread bowl.

Kirk Cameron is America's irrational sweetheart, to be sure.  But controversy abounds from his newly published manifesto, Kirk which details his lifelong passion to rid the world of pleasurable sex and Judaism.  He imagines a Christian utopia where children sing happily, ignorant of the basic principles of science.  The tome is already drawing harsh criticism from the rational thinking community, who are quick to point out the abundant spelling errors and references cited to simply "God".  Based on the response Mr Cameron has been offered his own political analyst slot on cable news giant, FOX News.








Editorial Comment:  We at Celebrity Slander have been taken aback by the negative response to our journalistic content, and we now take notice.  In an effort to seem less mean spirited and malicious we offer up the following heartbreaking video of a kitten trying to revive a dead friend:

Him Bravestar. Him Powerful Big Indian.

Bravestar
Bravestar

In a distant time
And far away place
The planet New Texas floats deep in space

Sky of three stars
Land of precious ore
The Carrium rush brought outlaws by the score

Bravestar
Bravestar
Then one day a law man appeared
With powers of hawk, wolf, puma and bear
Protector of peace
Mystic man from afar
Champion of justice, martial Bravestar

Bravestar
Eyes of a hawk, ears of a wolf
Bravestar
Strength of a bear, speed of a puma
Bravestar!

I Smurfed in my pants!

In only 8 days, all of humanity will be granted the gift of the first CG Smurfs movie. I say "first" because a trilogy is already planned. I have seen some previews and I must say, it looks phenomenal. Clumsy Smurf falls in a toilet, they ride subways, tickle Neil Patrick Harris and they get to play Guitar Hero. Ha! A Smurf fell into Doogie's cereal! Ha! He was going to eat that cereal! What the fuck else could America hope for. If Smurfette accidentally pops out a titty and says something like "Oh! My Smurfbags!"..... highest .... grossing.... movie...... EVER.

Seeing all this Smurf Hullabaloo got me thinking. If Smurfs were in the real world, how do they reproduce? They have to somehow. Somebody has got to be sticking a tiny blue something into some sort of moist and eager receptacle.

That is some hot Smurf

The Smurf village is populated entirely by male Smurfs. What about Smurfette, you say? As everyone knows, Gargamel created Smurfette. He made her for the sole purpose of luring the Smurfs into a sexually frustrated frenzy so they would be easier to catch. She is a trap. A literal trap. There is a shriveled Smurf penis under that dress. Smurfette may appear to be a female Smurf, but I consider her to be transgender. Most Smurfs names reflect their occupation. Smurfette should really called “Tranny Smurf”.

It's a trap!

During the decades that Gargamel spent searching for Smurfs He has only encountered the common surface dwelling worker Smurf. He had no idea what an actual female Smurf looked like. He never learned of the real Smurfciety that existed just below his feet. I theorize that Smurfs' existence is much like that of an ant colony. A Smurf colony.

A Smurf colony is an underground city where most Smurfs live, eat, defecate and die. The colonies are made up of a series of underground chambers. The chambers are connected to each other by small tunnels. There is a trap door in every Smurf's house concealing an entrance. Below, there are rooms for smurfberry storage, tiny white cap and tights production, living quarters and the vast majority is taken up by the gem of the colony, the Queen.

Breeder Smurf

Smurfs are eusocial, like ants, bees, wasps and termites. Smurfs have one reproductive queen and rest are worker males, except for one "King", the Papa Smurf. The Papa is the only Smurf who has access to the room where the Queen's vagina is kept. Like an ant colony, the Queen is enormous. If a standard Smurf is 3 apples high, she is around 8 watermelons long. A huge, wriggling, blue mess of a beast. Following Smurf logic, her name is most likely Breeder Smurf or Orgasm-Hole Smurf.

Like an ant or bee colony the Queen only produces worker Smurfs. Each worker Smurf has a specific function and if (for example) Brainy Smurf were to die, she can quickly produce another Brainy Smurf to fill the niche. Any Smurfs that have been lost or are no longer fulfilling their intended function are replaced with identical duplicates by the Queen. Jokey Smurf is almost always violently murdered and requiring replacement.

Hidden inside Papa Smurf's ceremonial Red pants is the key to the "Smurfing Room". It is where Papa Smurf goes to get Smurfed. Mating with the queen is almost exactly like a glory hole. Her girth fills the room. Papa just has to sidle up the gaping, flexing, steaming hole and insert the nub on his lower back (it's not a tail) and Voila! Smurfgasm. The Queen can store sperm for months so the Papa only needs to deposit his seed once a year. Even so, he is in the Smurfing Room all the time.

That's no tail!

A new Papa is chosen once a Papa Smurf's beard and hair start to grow long, The hair lengthening is a sign that the Papa has reached the end of his breeding days and is becoming sterile. The colony is thrown into complete anarchy. A pheromone is released and every Smurf fights to the death. The battles last for days. Every Smurf driven to a feral rage using his teeth and claws as tools of animalistic murder. The carnage continues until only one Smurf is left standing, bathed in the blood of his brothers.

Ultimate Smurf on Smurf Action!

The surviving Smurf becomes the new Papa. The old Papa hands over his ceremonial Red tights and dons a pair of yellow tights becoming the Grandpa Smurf. (He can still live in the village but has no power or responsibilities. He is shunned by all.) A white beard immediately starts to grow on the new Papa's face (a sign of sexual maturity). He reaches into the red tights and pulls out the key to the breeding room. When the new Papa enters, the Queen quickly expels all of the previous Papa's sperm (she can hold a lot). Once the room is cleaned, he mates with the queen and she begins to repopulate the entire village just as it was before. It is a cycle that the colony goes through every few years. Get rid of the old stock and replace it with the new Papa's genetic material. That is why all Smurfs but Papa and Grandpa are the same age.

I hope this was helpful. I plan to continue my study of Smurfology and Smurflosiphy. There are still many treasures to be discovered. Remember, if you ever see a Smurf, don't fucking touch it! They are disgusting creatures and the cause for 23% of new herpes cases each year. That is a motherfucking FACT!

I found a herpe!