The Facial in a Flask?? Get yours now!!

BUTUSHANSKY & BLECHMANN ADVERTISING AGENCY

Transcript of the July 17th 2011 re-branding meeting for customer #8472 "Lady Smooth Facial Moisturizer inc".




Sherman Butushansky
-Hello everyone, let's get right to it hmm? Lady Smooth has been in 10th place on the lotion market for the last couple of decades. Nobody thinks of it when they think of moist face skin. We need to tear down the entire Lady Smooth marketing campaign and make something new, something hip and fresh. Something the kids will want to buy. We need to make Lady Smooth cool!


Ted Loomis
- How do you suggest we do that, sir?


Sherman Butushansky
- That is what we are here to figure out Ned! Ned, what is the very first thing you think of when you think of, the very first thing to pop into your mind, when I say...... Teenage Girls.


Ted Loomis
- Bikinis! NO! er I mean, uh


Sherman Butushansky
- Yeah, lets go with that.... Kids love the beach... the beach has lots of sun... We gotta make the add Bright and Sunny!! Kids love that stuff. Ok, what else? Derick?


Eric Robinson
- Um.. well umm ...I know that ...kids like sweets... I guess.


Sherman Butushansky
- Sweets!? Yes! That's the ticket. Young people cant get enough cake and ice cream and.. Donuts!! Donuts are soft like a teeny bopper who uses our facial cream. This is good, this is good. OK, Tony what about you? Young people love...?


Susan Shanderson
- Rock stars Chief! Pop music. My daughter will not stop playing that trash.


Sherman Butushansky
- Tony you are as smart as you are beautiful. Rock stars! Of course! These kids, what do they like...? They love that KISS. The kids always talk about that KISS guy's tongue don't they? We need some KISS tongue! Sharon are you writing this down?


Karen Tyler
- Yes sir.


Sherman Butushansky
- Good because this is Gold! OK then. I have been thinking about this. We need a new type of bottle. Something that will catch the kids attention. Something that has modern appeal that will fly off the shelves. My longtime partner? Buddy? Old pal? Dearest friend? What do you think?


Horace Blechmann
- Put em in er flask. Thatta way dem kids can warsh it out and use for sweet juices and kool aids.


Sherman Butushansky
- I could kiss you Horace! Brilliant! We have our ad campaign! Alright everyone just throw some flowers and some pretty lady with lotion on her face and we call it a done deal.


Ted Loomis
- Sir? Are you sure we should just..


Sherman Butushansky
- I don't pay you to make decisions Ned, I pay you to make ideas and you have done well. Donut, KISS tongue, flask, lotion lady face, sunny with flowers BOOM! We are going to make a fortune! We just need to fix the name. Lady Smooth just doesn't cut it in the 21st century ad game. We need to make it relatable. Tony, what is the name of the creator of Lady Smooth.


Susan Shanderson
- Duncan Feltcher sir.


Sherman Butushansky
- Feltcher, perfect!! We can make him like Colonel Sanders! Feltcher's Face Cream? Too clunky. No... Feltchers's Skin Rejuvenator? No no no... Needs to be catchy, a bit of alliteration.. Feltcher's Facials? Yes! Feltcher's Facials The Facial in a Flask!! Hot Damn! We are in business! Make it happen people! I want this out on the street on every bus and billboard from here to Miami in two weeks! Meeting adjourned!

2 WEEKS LATER

Bible Belt Babble with Willard "Teabag" Chinsley

Me in my least retarded hat.

Greetings, American Patriots!  I am Willard "Teabag" Chinsley, and I am the Grand Dragon of my local Tea Party in Myopia, Texas (hopefully working up to "Exalted Cyclops" by the next election season!). Welcome to the new America molded by the able hands of the Tea Party!  Here we are, observing a great milestone in the destruction of the American economy.  That's right folks, S&P has downgraded the US credit rating to AA+ for the first time in history!  Surely this will translate into explosive job growth and a dramatic increase in Baptist church attendance. 

I know there are many liberals, and those in the "lamestream media" that will try to paint the credit rating downgrade as something negative, but we all know better.  The way I see it, this is the beginning of the end for Obama.  Once he sees that the policies of the Tea Party have stoked a raging fire in the economy he will have to do everything in his power to stop it.  He will frantically try to increase infrastructure spending, or feed the poor or something, but it will be too late.  His chances of initiating Sharia law will be shattered, and after the 2012 election the white house will become white again.

We all need to thank those that really made this happen.  For instance, we must thank God for giving Sarah Palin a retard baby, discouraging her from further procreation and steering her focus towards the work of spreading the Teabagger agenda.  And yes, I still use the term "Teabagger".  I am taking it back from the godless liberals that use it for ridicule, even if it does describe the act of slapping one's exposed testicles on the face of an unsuspecting person.  That's right folks, "I AM PROUD TO BE A TEABAGGER!"

Taking back "Teabagger"

My official purpose for posting here is to kill off some of the stereotypes about my fellow Teabaggers.  Just because we are composed entirely of white evangelical Christian people, everyone is certain that we must be a racist organization.  This is ENTIRELY untrue, and almost criminal slander.  We allow colored people, latinos, and even orientals provided they sign an agreement to avoid eye contact with our other members.  And we are currently working on a re-education facility to allow former Muslims in, as well!  You see, the Tea Party has come a long way since it's early days back in 2009, when minorities were hunted for sport.  And to reflect the changing times, we are replacing the old Tea Party logo with the new contemporary logo.  It says everything we are about.  So here is the unveiling... Until next time, Teabaggers!

From controversial to sexy in record time!



Nice meet you. Me saw you head off.

Hello, me name Slekim Du Nogo, That be Slek to pretty lady out there. Slekim is Huli Warrior in day and headhunter in night. Yes that right.... Huli Warrior. Slekim is from scenic central mountain of Papua New Guinea. Slekim know what you think "But Slek, Huli People not headhunter, What up with that?" Well Slekim is. It fun.

There nothing Slekim love more than to saw off person head and mount person head on wall of Slekim trophy room. Slekim love feel of fresh sharpened hongoia clutched in Slekim hand. Hongoia is bone knife made of cassowary bird. Much better than you boring metal knife. It take much longer to saw off person head. More time mean more fun for Slekim. Slekim love to take Slekim hongoia and with bit of STAB SAW SAW STAB CHOP SAW STAB SAW SAW STAB CHOP SAW TUG SAW TUG SAW TUG SAW POP, off come person head. It just super.

Oh, and cassawary bird is biiiig fuggin bird with razor claw. One time, cassawary bird cut open Phongulu and Phongulu belly meat fall out. We all had fun laugh at stupid Phongulu try put belly meat back in. Phongulu wife laugh too when Slekim tell her. Phongulu stupid and his wife my wife after belly meats no go back in. Stupid Phongulu.

Slekim like new friend. If you want be Slekim friend you need know one thing. One tiny thing about relationship. Slekim will cut you head off and mount you head on wall of Slekim trophy room. If you no mind that, then you be good new Slekim friend.

Slekim enjoy many activitiy. Slekim like trading pig for prestige and more wife. Slekim like to hunt mighty cassowary. Slekim love eat sweet potato. But most of all Slekim enjoy remove and display human head.

Slekim also enjoy play Slekim gãwã. Gãwã is mouth bow, it take long time learn and sound horrible. Slekim love to listen to Aba play the gulupobe. Sometimes Slekim join with Slekim gãwã. We play until sun come up. It all sound horrible.

But Slekim tired of boring home. Slekim want cut off head in other land. Slekim has made decision. Slekim now begin journey away from Papua New Guinea. Slekim now begin "Slekim International Head Hunt". Slekim now get in Slekim tree boat and Slekim ride ocean. Where Slekim land.... Slekim hunt.

You have nice person head. Slekim talk to you soon.

My Daily Dealings with the Demon

I intend to remain anonymous for reasons that will become clear in a few moments.  Basically I wanted to document the insanity that has taken over my life and left me questioning my mental health and religious faith.  It started with small symptoms that rapidly became unmistakably evil.  There can be no question now.  I am possessed by a demon.

I work a city postal route every day (please, no going postal jokes), delivering the mail as they say, “rain or shine”.   One day something far from routine happened.  When placing the rather common assortment of advertisements and coupons into one of the mailboxes something came over me.  I caught a glimpse of an elderly woman sitting on a porch, smoking a cigarette.  Without thinking I yelled “Hey granny!  If you can smile like a donut I can get it glazed for ya!”  Thankfully she did not hear, just looked confused and wav ed.  I dropped my mailbag and walked up to her porch, and continued “I SAID” unzipped my pants… “LOOK WHERE I PEE!”  With no shame I spun my flaccid member helicopter fashion inches from her wrinkled visage.

It is times like these that the demon lets me loose again.  It waits until I am in the most horrific position possible and then cackles in my ear as I retreat.  But luck protected me that time.  Not only were there no other witnesses, but the woman I flashed has made ridiculous complaints in the past.  Apparently she was investigated for animal cruelty two years ago when she shipped a dead dog to a pet store requesting a refund.

But so far my worst episode occurred just two months ago.  You see, the more relaxed I become the easier the demon takes hold.  When I asked out an obese single mother at my job I knew I was dealing with a sure thing.  Once in the employee lounge when no one was looking she stared at me from across the room while evacuating a twinkie of it’s creamy contents using only her tongue.  After we were cut off from the bar at the local Applebee’s we naturally made it to her place.  I don’t get laid often, and the demon did not miss the opportunity.

This is the first time I completely lost recollection of the incident.  The police claimed I arrived at the hospital completely naked, both nipples burned to nubs, and a pigeon skewered rotisserie-style on my still throbbing cock.  The doctors speculated that the nipples were burned with my missing car cigarette lighter, and treated the longitudinal gashes in my shaft left from the pigeon’s ribs.

After a few awkward lies given to the police they determined that it was probably a minor drug overdose, and did not investigate further.  I called my one night stand and she apparently had no idea about the incident, and in fact seemed quite pleased.  She just thanked me several times, and whispered “have you washed your hands yet?”. I hadn’t at the time, but I did immediately after.  Until I bled.

I understand that my medical records are protected legally, but I am concerned that the police report will make it to my employer.  I think I might be able to influence my attacks if I can sense them coming on.  Until I gain some control or cast out the filth inside me I will live every waking moment in terror.  Pray for me, friends.

LAMB OF GOD

If Jesus were alive today I think he would be French. I don't speak Frenchinese so I used

http://babelfish.yahoo.com/translate_txt

It took my gibberish and magically turned it into actual Frogspeak. You can translate it back to English for mediocrely hilarious results. Unless you already speak in croaks and ribbits. If so..... Good for you! I bet you smell like cigarettes and Euro-musk. So have some wine and cheese Pierre and enjoy "LAMB OF GOD". Yeah, I bet your name is Pierre too.



Below is Jesus eating a Lamb. I guess that is symbolic of something or represents some religious allegory. I don't fucking know. I was bored.



Présentation d'un accomplissement de borne limite. Le sauveur, Jésus-Christ dans toute sa gloire. L'agneau est délicieux et personne ne sait que meilleur que Jésus baisant le Christ !


Mes boules sont grandes et velues. Je voudrais à la dunette sur votre coffre. Les traducteurs anglais-français sont amusement. Je dactylographierai maintenant un groupe de de pour jurer des mots pour voir ce que sont elles en français.

Baise. Chat. Chatte. Merde. Surgeon de pénis. Goûteur d'anus. Type de vagin. Poinçon d'âne. Sanchez sale. Traces. Sucez mon grand gros dick velu avec votre bouche canadienne française dégoûtante.

Ayez une nuit foutue merveilleuse que vous chiez des mangeurs.

The Libertarian Fallacy

Full of shit since '71

Imagine the shining city on a hill.  A city born from the bottom up, with a community of hard working, staunchly independent people.  There is no structured government at all, but as the community identifies needs those needs are met by the entrepreneurial spirit of the free market.  Roads, schools, prisons, all these things are regulated privately and paid for through usage fees, and whoever can supply the service in the cheapest and most efficient way wins.

It sounds like what it is, total bullshit.  The principles of libertarianism are as idealistic and naïve as the principles of communism.  They sound good on paper but are chaotically dangerous in practice.  This is why you cannot name one civilization that practiced libertarianism.  In fact, the basic concepts are incompatible with the very idea of a community.  By definition, libertarians believe there should be no shared sacrifices required by any individual for the good of the whole.  I guess it might work if we all live in self-assembled shacks in the woods, pointing guns at our neighbors should they venture too close.

A libertarian political system relies on the infrastructure provided by a pre-existing structured government.  For such a society to exist it must put it’s flesh on the already existing bones of a city.  It avoids the truly difficult decisions that must be made by a responsible government .  Even the most seemingly universal concept, like the thought that a group of people will sometimes share their pooled resources to make a large purchase that benefits them all, are discarded as unnecessary.  In the libertarian mind people will pool their resources if they want.  It should never be structured or mandated.

The problem with this train of thought is that some institutions should not be privatized and run for profit.  Healthcare, the prison system, and education would all be rendered ineffective if run entirely for profit.  Ask any self-proclaimed libertarian this question to fuck up their day:  “Are you telling me you want for profit prisons?  You want to give people a financial incentive to take away freedom?”  Works every time. 

To gain proper perspective it may be necessary to try an experiment.  Next month try making every decision you make based on the cheapest possible option.   You would have to ride a bike to work, eat nothing but ramen noodles, and start practicing the rhythm method with your girlfriend.  This is the way a corporation would run you, with maximum profitability and no regard for quality of life.  Fucking paradise.

Federation Starship USS Hindenburg - Episode 1

Captain's log, stardate 41153.7.

My crew and I are on a 7 year mission that will take us around the perimeter of Federation space, beyond which lies the great unexplored mass of the galaxy. My orders are to explore uncharted sectors, meet new life and civilizations and to bravely venture where nobody has ventured before........

What a bucket of Pig Shit! I know why StarFleet assigned this awful fucking mission to me. It's because I drank too much Andorian Ale at the Federation Gala Ball and I called the Klingon Ambassador a "Shit eating ridge headed space ape". That, and I openly copped a feel on the Vulcan High Priest. I don't know what to tell ya, those white robes are fucking sexy.

So here I am 2 months later. I was "Awarded" the command of this old piece of shit Constitution Class starship. The USS Hindenburg. This thing is older than my fucking grandfather. It's the year 2364 and Starfleet gives me a ship from the 23rd fucking Century. These things were great in Kirk's time but they suck ass now. Right next to us in spacedock was the new USS Enterprise. A brand new Galaxy Class starship. That Commission was almost MINE!! But they give it to that fucking Frenchman Picard. "ooh I like Shakespeare, Earl Grey Hot, Make it so" I hate that fucking guy. He was a prick back in the academy and he is an even bigger prick now. Picard gets the Enterprise and I am swept under the rug on this worthless mission! Fucking Starfleet pricks!

The crew of the Hindenburg are a diverse group of assholes and morons. More undesirables that Starfleet couldn't assign any real responsibility. My crew roster is as follows.


First Officer - Scrotch - Andorian - Male

He is almost worthless. He is an Andorian with 1 antenna shorter than the other. He is always walking at an angle and bumping into walls. He has a really high pitched nasaly voice and he never shuts the fuck up. He never has anything to contribute but bullshit. He is always talking about his fucking mom. She is a Starfleet Admiral. That is the only way this blue shit-pile got anywhere in Starfleet.


Second Officer - Gavf Gacz -Tellarite - ?

What can I say about Lieutenant Gacz. It's just some barely speaking hairy mass in a Starfleet uniform and it smells aweful. It does it's job well but Goddammit does it stink! Nobody knows it's sex and nobody really wants to know.


Third Officer - Burns O'Leary - Human -Male

Burns O'Leary is a former Starfleet boxing champ and Starfleet Astrophysicist. He was the champ for 3 years until he was challenged by a Klingon Warrior with gigantism. No amount of dermal regeneration is going to fix his face. This is a pity assignment for Burns. He can't do much more than pilot the ship. But he actually does that very well for someone with severe brain damage.


Security Chief - Ryan Gonzales - Human - Male

Lieutenant Gonzales is a fucking prick! Nuff Said.


Head Counselor - Fishk -Ferengi - Female

Fishk is a "traditional" Ferengi Female. She is naked at all times. This is good or bad dependent on your taste I suppose. I think she looks like a brown raisin with patches of grey lint. Starfleet understands that it is just part of her culture, so they allow it. That doesn't mean they won't stick her where nobody will see her. On the fucking Hindenburg. I always want to set a towel wherever she is going to sit. Fucking disgusting.


Chief Medical Officer - Ruvack - Vulcan - Male

With zero bedside manner and zero charisma Ruvack runs the ship's sick bay. He obviously hates his job and lets everyone know how unsatisfied he is. He is a staunch Vulcan racist looking down on all other species, especially humans. He finds it logical that since his race is physically and mentally superior to humans, he can act like a fucking smug asshole.


Awwww FUCK!! Five minutes out of spacedock and we have a fucking Red Alert! Goddammit I don't want to deal with this shit! I'll finish the crew roster later.

Captain Touglas Franklin signing off.

-END LOG-

Vic Musket Visits a Porno Shop. Again. (Part 2)

He gritted his teeth and bore the pain.  With a final shudder he extracted the soiled newsprint that was doing double duty as toilet paper and gave it a deep smell.  It was dark and he wanted to ensure a thorough job.  But even here, crouched behind a city dumpster, detective Vic Musket is as dangerous as a chimpanzee with a machete.

And he now has a job to do.  Vic rose to his feet and tucked his empty whiskey bottle into his overcoat.  Being without the bottle makes him feel as vulnerable as not having his .38 revolver, and he would need to be at top form for his first step in this investigation.  Catching a rapist is difficult since rape is not a social activity for criminals.  Rapists don’t hang out together anywhere outside of the Catholic church, and they couldn’t be to blame here since the victim is an adult female.  And to catch a rapist you need to think like a rapist.  Being a complete degenerate pervert was giving Vic the edge.

The detective arrived at the short stairwell of the adult book shop.  Now that he wasn’t moving he could tell he carried an odor.  He quickly peels the newspaper from his heel and threw it over the railing into the street.  “Damn,” he thought “after at least six blocks it stayed with me.  I need more fiber in my diet.”  He stepped inside the familiar doorway.

“Fuck you, Musket.  You know the rules.  No creeps in long jackets, we’ve had too many problems.”  The man at the register said, never bothering to take the cigarette out of his mouth.  “I’m not a customer for jackoff fodder today, Mitch.  Take me to the back office.”  Shit.  Vic thought.  That sounded like a proposition for sex.

The man gestured to the back door and led the way.  Hopefully he wasn’t preparing a hardon.  Once inside Vic was relieved to see a normal office, and not a gynecological table or something.  “I know who hired you, Vic.  And I know a little about what happened to that poor girl.  Now I know you ain’t got money, but there is something you can do for me that will get me to talk.  I want you to get a guy to confess to robbing my shop last week...”

Fuck.  This was going to be unpleasant.  “How do I know that I want to hear what you have to say?”  Vic asked, more perceptive than normal.  Three hours after drinking appears to be the mental sweet spot for brain function.  “I will tell you this much up front:  You are not looking for the rapist, but for the guy that hired the rapist.  Someone is trying to punish your client…”  Mitch was leaning in close now, and there was nothing appetizing about that.  A contracted rape?  Sounds like there will be more than one dick to deliver to the anonymous man on the phone.  And there would have to be a renegotiation on his pay…

To be continued… 

Soup Dick - Thursdays at 10pm

Thursdays just got a whole lot hotter. He's the Private Detective with the heart of gold and a body of soup.

This week on Soup Dick: Soup Dick is hired to investigate a child murder. Can Soup Dick stew up enough clues to solve the Mysterious Case of Caylee Anthony? Criminals Beware! The Streets will run red.... with Soup!

Get it while it's hot. Catch Soup Dick Thursdays at 10pm. Only on PITV.

PITV - TV for Assholes

Biscuit Bear Bedtime Story

Once upon a time there was a family of happy Biscuit Bears.  They loved each other very much, and they spent every day playing in the grass and traveling across the mountains together.  Sometimes the Bears saw other animals, like birds, and fish, and wolves and deer.  All the animals were friendly and played with the little cub Biscuit bears.

But sometimes the Biscuit Bears saw people.  And when people come they kill the birds, and fish, and wolves and deer.  Sometimes the people kill the Biscuit Bears, too.  The Biscuit Bears can be made into delicious Biscuit Breakfast, so the people like to kill them most of all.  But the mommy Biscuit Bear is big and can be very scary to the people.  She can be mean and will try to scare the people away.  When she stands up and makes big noises it makes the people run.

But some of the people don't run.  Some of them have shouting sticks that hurt the Biscuit Bears.  And they can hurt the mommy Biscuit Bear until she stops being angry and goes to sleep.  The people use pointy fingers to take tubes out of the mommy Biscuit Bear, but she doesn't even wake up.  The cub Biscuit Bears know to stay hiding.  They can go smell the mommy Biscuit Bear when the people leave.

The people put yummy eggs and cheese and bacon in the mommy Biscuit Bear.  Even the cub Biscuit Bears think the smell is tasty.  There is not much left that looks like the mommy Biscuit Bear.  The people took most away, but left the tubes.  The cub Biscuit Bears decide that the tubes don't really smell like the mommy Biscuit Bear, and will to wait for her to come back.  Maybe she will bring the tasty smell with her.