Bible Belt Babble With Willard "Teabag" Chinsley Vol. 11

Hello, fellow tea baggers! Willard "Teabag" Chinsley here with another timely installment of ill-informed conservative blabber. I felt like it was time to get another issue of Bible Belt Babble out now that there have been some major developments in the political world, so tonight we discuss birtherism, the failed Wisconsin recall, and examine the sex appeal of the GOP.

There has been a lot of discussion in the media about the highly suspect birth origin of "president" Barack Obama recently, and I for one am thrilled to see that the birtherism movement is still going strong after all these years. Any impartial observer can understand that the argument for the Hawaii hospital coverup is very strong if it still persists after being dismissed by every educated person in the country. If all the evidence contradicts a theory but people still believe it is true, there must be something to it. So we all need to thank Mr. Donald Trump for keeping doubt alive in the face of public and private ridicule. We all know that a person's intelligence is directly proportional to their wealth, and that makes Tump one of the most intelligent people to grace television today. So before you disregard all the overwhelming speculative evidence that supports birtherism, just keep this in mind: Albert Einstein is widely considered to be the smartest person in modern history, and he had really wacky hair. Who else has really wacky hair? That's right, Mr. Donald Trump.

All of us conservatives have something to cheer about besides the horrible jobs reports and complete lack of activity in congress, and that is the recent failed Wisconsin recall of governor Scott Walker. As we already established above, money is basically the same thing as intelligence, and that makes Scott Walker over 8 times as smart as Milwaukee mayor Tom Barrett. The libiots in the democratic party were quick to point out that over 65% of the money raised to support Walker came from out of state donors, and that Walker is the only governor in the country to have a criminal defense fund, but that doesn't mean anything. If the people that elected you don't support your agenda then what other option do you have than to seek donors from out of state? And sometimes you just need to lawyer up to protect yourself until you manage to change the laws in your state to make what you did legal. At any rate, it will be interesting to see what Walker does next to Wisconsin. I personally love it when politics are unpredictable, and since Walker has completely abandoned his campaign platform of creating jobs there is no governor in the US that is more unpredictable than he is.

This pic gives me a Boehner

There is a horrible injustice being done in the media today that refuses to recognize the powerful sex appeal of the men that lead the republican party. The are all too eager to complain about political obstructionism, the focus on social policies despite campaigning on economic issues, and the counter-intuitive assertion that giving rich people more money actually makes the middle class wealthier, but they completely ignore the incredible sex appeal of the GOP elite. Just look at Mitch McConnell the minority leader in the senate. He has the gorgeous, beady eyes of a kindly cobbler mixed with a complete lack of mouth movement when speaking that makes the ladies weak in the knees. And what gal wouldn't want to be pressed into the mattress under the girth of 400lb teddy bear Chris Christie of New Jersey? Only lesbians, that's who. And if you could take pieces of various republican leaders to make the perfect man you could do no better than using Haley Barbour's southern drawl, Christie's physique, Rand Paul's curly hair, and John Boehner's gorgeous amber skin tone. I guess I will have to end it here, since our female readers have no doubt passed out from orgasmic bliss at the thought of such a sexual frankenstein.



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Which Celebrity is Most Likely to Die in 2012? - UPDATE #2!!

The 2012 Popular Irony Celebrity Death Poll has claimed another victim.  A legendary author who received only 1 vote on the Death Poll despite his advanced age.

It is sad but true folks.  Ray Bradbury died today at the age of 91.  I am pretty sure that I cast the one vote he received.  I am a fan of Bradbury's work and have worried about him getting old and dying for many years.  I remember reading Dandelion Wine in high school and remarking at how Bradbury was still alive.  He lasted another 15 years after that and kept his wits the whole time.  Bad-ass.

Who's next!?  Go ahead and Vote now on this extremely limited poll, there are links below.  If you have your own celebrity death guess, go ahead and leave a comment below.

Which Celebrity is Most Likely to Die in 2012? (BLOG POST)

Which Celebrity is Most Likely to Die in 2012? UPDATE #1 Dick Clark 

CELEBRITY DEATH 2012 (THE POLL)

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A Case Study in Physical Comedy within the Workplace

This will be my first attempt to produce content within the highly esteemed Popular Irony Blog. I feel it is my duty to point out that Hamtackle and Terlet are two of my closest friends and I hate them as much as I love them. I am also obligated to point out that my specialty will involve workplace situations, scientific studies, sports, and sexual encounters. I am no good at visuals/art/fuck Terlet (for being so good at them), and will rarely include visual aides. And I will never talk politics or chain sawing heads off; I’ll leave that to our venerated Hamtackle. He is also a master of the written language and I cannot hope to compete with his take on the world. I hope you enjoy.

Your first duty as a professional is to establish a strong first impression with your coworkers. I have found that the more preposterous or ridiculous it is the better. I must also point out that many of these situations involve both sexes, as to lend to the credibility of the actual results. The following are examples of some such exchanges that may help break the ice. Use at your own risk.

“The Disturber”

I have applied this technique with all types of coworker from dishwashers to general managers. It involves the placement of your entire hand at the base of the leg at the Achilles tendon. You forcefully wrap your hand around the base of the leg and slowly and gently caress your way up the calf terminating at the end of the hamstring or the base of the buttock. You can take it much further if need be. The goal of this exercise is to leave the coworker effectively “disturbed.” The typical reaction is usually of a “oh my god” or “what the fuck are you doing to my leg” temperament. One attractive young woman actually took my hand and placed it upon her breast and we commenced kissing, which turned into coitus later that evening. She turned out to be my future ex-fiancé so I highly recommend caution when using this technique.

“The Violator”

            This technique is much more subtle and if pulled off properly will leave the most of an enduring impression. It is pulled off as follows; make sure you are looking your coworker dead in the eye and slowly take your hand palm face up and apply your four digits less you thumb to the bottom of their stomach. Slowly and very measurably, but not too deliberate as they will almost certainly pull away or throw a punch, caress your digits upwards all while staring them in the eye. This will make for a most discomfited finish when they are either staring at you with menace or desire. The characteristic response for this is usually urgent withdrawal because they consider the idea you may be going for their genitals. It is best to coax them into a false sense of security and then proceed with the prescribed procedure.

“The Lingerer”

            The lingerer is my preferred method because it has a real staying power for and with the individual it is performed on. It is essentially a more rough and desperate version of The Disturber. You forcefully grab the Achilles and effectively rape their leg the entire way up and across the buttocks and then back down the other leg in a horseshoe fashion terminating at the other Achilles. The effect is a “lingering discomfort” for the individual. This technique is to be used with the utmost discretion and care as it may and will eventually get you fired. Several cases where this method has been applied resulted in laughter and grandiose praise from the recipient. Let me point out that this man would also try to figure out ways to get me to look at his “Jacob’s Ladder” piercing on his penis. I feel these incidents must be thrown out on point of perversion from both parties involved.

“Terlet’s Rage 1 and 2”

#1

          There are actually two versions of this very effective and rewarding exercise. The first involves a young Terlet as a waiter in a casual/fine dining restaurant along with a gentleman whom we will call “Phat” and me. Phat or I would walk past Terlet whilst Terlet would be taking an order. When out of sight from the people at the table and behind Terlet, we would pinch his “handlebar” fat and twist as hard as we could and walk away calmly. The hilarity would ensue when he was done with his table and seek one of us out and actually throw punches. The reward for us was so very sweet though because we knew no matter how much discomfort and rage he felt at that instant, he could do nothing but take it like a bitch. We were in total control at that moment. An eruption while taking an order at a table would be a death sentence for him as our owner had the dimensions of an actual bear would not only fire him but beat the shit out of him.

#2

          The other version involves reconnaissance, slight of hand, and a cohort. What Phat and I would do was take an average slice of cucumber, dip it in Ranch dressing, and try to figure out ways to place it in Terlet’s apron from where he would grab pens to take orders at tables. The rage that would be evident on his face when his hands came upon the Ranch dressing was priceless, and makes me giggle like a schoolgirl to this day. There were several wrinkles to our overall plan that we could employ when Terlet would become “spooked.” One would involve the old “slap and run” where one of us would slap Terlet and run and in that instant of rage the other would slip the cucumber into his pocket. This had about a 50% completion rate. Another includes the coaxing into a false sense of security by telling him he was awesome because he jerks off to comic books or has the lead in the school play and while in conversation one of us would slip the cucumber in. This was usually the most dangerous because when he found out we were just amusing him and stroking his ego to get that cucumber where we wanted it, the rage was heightened to the level of The Hulk. Use these techniques at your own risk.

            I try to create a morbid yet free expression driven idea of “fun” while at work. We all spend 1/3 of our lives at work. The least we can do is have a little fun at the others’ expense. If you have any fun work methods/ideas/techniques please feel free to comment of send us an email at popularirony@gmail.com. It has been my pleasure and I hope I made you laugh. I know I did reminiscing about these.

Gonna Do It To Ya

Sim Sim Salabim! It's time for another Popular Irony Original Song!!  Hamtackle and Terlet spent countless weeks perfecting this song.  It is a true labor of love and we are extremely proud of it.  Seriously, we spent more than 20 minutes making it, I swear!    It is truly romantic and extremely heart-felt.  I challenge you not to cry while listening to it.  This song is about the making of the sweetest of loves, the kind of love that takes place in your dumper........... dump dump.

You no see Flash Player!? You click here now!! You Download!! NOW NOW!!

Right in your dumper.

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Blowjob Practice 101: My Tips For Your Lips

Blowjobs are the best way to display your love for a man, but a disturbing percentage of people don't know how to perform one properly.  Today we will take a moment to cover the basic points that are often overlooked by examining some practice photos from my recent blowjob workshop.  The good news is that you don't even need a partner to practice your form, so feel free to play along at home!

Here we see a classic blowjob form that we are all pretty familiar with.  Surely any man would love to be on the receiving end of this effort, right?  Well not so fast.  I see a couple tips that could bring this blowjob from average to ball-drainingly ferocious!  First, unless you are blowing a really fat dude that can't look down and see you over his gut, you are going to need to shed that disinterested look.  I suggest either looking up longingly for a person you have a close relationship with, or improvising a fearful look of discomfort for your one night stand. And unless you only have one arm there is no excuse why you are not cupping the balls.  A gentle fondle goes a long way, ladies!

Whoa, where do I start with this one?  If you can't see what is going wrong here then you should not be giving blowjobs.  Ever.  While she has perfected the ball fondle tip above, this woman ignores both the eye contact AND makes the whole experience terrifying by leading with the teeth.  You have lips, ladies.  Learn how to use them.  If you ever have problems with tooth/shaft contact when performing then I suggest you practice when eating by curling your lips over your teeth.  It can be messy, but when it comes time to blow your man will appreciate the effort.

You would be surprised to find out how many woman reach an advanced age without ever learning to properly fellate their lover.  I get all kinds of students from later in life that benefit greatly from my advice.  Here we see one such student practicing a technique I call "tip-licking".  Stimulating the glans located on the underside of the penis head is excellent blowjob foreplay, and can be used to compensate for a woman with a strong gag reflex that has trouble with full shaft penetration.

And remember that you are never too young to start your sexual education, provided you don't engage in any actual copulative contact.  This little pro is showing off her ball handling skills, which can be applied in her highschool years to gain massive amounts of popularity within her social life.  She is going to make some teenager really happy one day!

And let's all recognize that it is the 21st century, and blowjob practice isn't just for the ladies anymore!  Here we have one of my many male students that come to me to learn new advanced blowing techniques to be used in a business environment.  With the economy struggling the way it is right now, any serious businessman will jump at the opportunity to get ahead.  For the beginner blower I suggest starting with closed eyes.  This will help you suppress your shame reflex and is sure to improve your overall performance.  And when you are giving a blowjob out of necessity instead of love, the better you give it the quicker it is over!


Now there you have it, folks.  Follow these simple instructions to greatly improve your overall blowjob skills and make that man in your life happy.  Hopefully your confidence level will increase and you can start to realize that blowjobs aren't just for birthdays and anniversaries, but can be an enjoyable activity all year long!


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Palate Cleanser - Romantic Edition

Hamtackle has done it once again.  He has graced the pages of Popular Irony with some very disturbing and brutal photos.  You know that guy who ate that homeless man's face?  Do you want to see the picture of his bloody "No-Face"?  Well then scroll down and look at yesterdays post.  No?!  You don't want to see something so fucking terrible?  Then this post is for you.

Whenever Hamtackle posts something truly disturbing, I like to follow it up with a Palate cleanser.  This time the subject is Romance.

When you see the picture of the romantic couple below, try not to think about self disembowelment.  Go on... Don't think about ripping out your own intestines and hurling them at people.  That's right, don't think about it.  Think about the silky touch of your desired sexual partner.  Don't think about their insides being on the outside.  See... isn't that better?

 

Now the couple below is sharing a romantic kiss.  Please note that it is only a kiss and not cannibalism.  The woman is not taking large toothy bites out of the man's face.  Not even a nibble.  Just tender smooches.  I promise you that she is not locked onto his lower lip like a rabid bulldog.  She is not preparing to tear away with all her strength ripping the man's lip off like a flabby hunk of greasy meats.  Just love..... Love and tenderness.

Awwww... isn't that sweet?  A couple in a loving, mid-coital embrace.  And they are both alive and intact.  One of the couple isn't a corpse in mid-dissection-rape.  The couple is probably happy and healthy and one of them is not being filmed for torture porn.  Just love.  Love and steamy passion.  Not horror and blood-lust.  See, don't you feel better.  Don't you feel better to know that one of them is not a psychotic gay porn star with a cat crushing fetish?

Well, I don't know about you, but I feel cleansed.  I think I got all of those gore encrusted cobwebs out of my head.  Now all I can think about is stuffing my short and salty inside of some willing and ready lady parts.  Just remember.... No matter how bad the world seems, at least you have not been cannibalized while you were still alive.  Until next time - Smooches!


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Zombie Apocalypse or Clever Firearms Advertising?

In the last week there have been four news stories that elude to a possible upcoming zombie outbreak. They have all the hallmarks of classic zombie symptoms, horrific self abuse, murder, and cannibalism. Now we are all used to these kinds of situations occurring in fucked up places like Russia, where the harsh siberian winters lead dozens of people to desperate acts of cannibalism each year, or North Korea where the government withholds food aid from the starving masses, but these stories all happened in NORTH AMERICA. Make no mistake about it, a lot of fucked up shit happens in the developed world, but we rarely see crimes like these. So I ask myself... is this really the beginning of the end, or just a devious plot by the firearms industry to convince me to start stockpiling ammunition? Both Terlet and I are well-armed, responsible gun owners that are reasonably prepared for the possibility of an undead invasion, but I must admit that I feel the need to make a trip to my local arms dealer to spend all my disposable income before it becomes worthless and I have to barricade myself in a WalMart or something. Let's review the evidence:

You're welcome.

I'm sure you have all seen the recent story about the face-eater down in Miami, but I will refresh your memory. A 31 year old man approached a homeless guy near a bridge and savagely attacked him, beating him and then gnawing over 75% of his face off. The attack lasted for over 18 minutes and was partially captured by a surveillance camera. When a police officer drew his weapon on the attacker the man "growled like a wild animal" and continued eating his victim's face. The officer shot the man dead at the scene. No word on whether the victim has risen from the grave as of yet. The police believe the man was under the influence of bath salts, a designer drug that turns people into incoherent babbling madmen, but that sounds like a cover-up to me.

Least intimidating zombie ever.

The phenomenon has even impacted Canada, the most friendly and unnecessarily apologetic country on earth! A 29 year old gay porn actor is on the loose after mailing the body parts of a chinese student to media outlets. The man was apparently under investigation for making films of torturing and killing cats, but quickly upgraded to people. I have seen the film, where the man repeatedly stabs his bound victim with an icepick before dismembering him, buggering his corpse, then cutting flesh off his ass and eating it. I know what you are thinking... "Why the fuck would you watch that shit, Hamtackle?" To that I have only one response: Know thy enemy.

Rare non-caucasian cannibal murderer

And another case recently arose in Baltimore, where a 21 year old kenyan college student admitted to murdering his roommate and eating his heart and brain. This is after the suspect's own brother notified police that he found human remains in the trash at the apartment, which was not entirely unexpected since the suspect was out on bail following his arrest after beating a man with a baseball bat so severely that the victim lost an eye. This guy is currently in police custody, although they still haven't been able to determine a motive for the murder. Maybe the motive was simply... HUNGER!

Marginally effective police-deterrent when thrown

And finally we have an awesome story, albeit a bit lacking in detail at this time. In Hackensack, NJ police responded to a call that stated that a 43 year old man was about to harm himself. When they arrived and confronted the man he responded by viciously stabbing himself in the torso with a 12 inch kitchen knife so severely that his intestines poured out. Now that doesn't sound like it was necessarily zombie-like behavior, right? Well, he then proceeded to tear off chunks of his own intestines AND THROW THEM at the officers. That's right, he literally threw his guts at the police. The man was delivered to the hospital after being apprehended and is currently recovering. Police stated that the man had a history of mental illness. No fucking shit. Or maybe he is just the latest in a clear string of micro zombie outbreaks?



I sure hope so. I would love the complete lack of social and legal rule, and having absolutely no responsibilities except my personal survival would be exhilarating. So who knows, maybe in a few short weeks I will get a chance to meet a few of our faithful readers. I will try not to shoot you unless you are clearly a zombie, but you know... no promises.



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Terlet's Top 10 - Podcasts

Greetings knowledge seekers!  It's me, your old pal Terlet.  Sometimes I tire of writing disturbing fiction, poorly worded diatribes or making shitty videos.  Sometimes I just want to share a bit of myself.  A bit of the real Terlet.  Not my flaccid member, no.  I'd like to share something that truly interests and entertains me.  Today the subject is Podcasts.

I am an avid podcast listener.  Not a day goes by that I don't listen to one.  My current feed contains 42 podcasts, though that number changes constantly.  Over the last seven years I have listened to hundreds of different podcasts.  Most I delete after only a few minutes of listening.  Some charm my pants off and become part of my podcast regimen.  Others grow obscenely stale and end up on the delete pile (Adam Carrola).  With that said, I present to you Terlet's Top 10 Podcasts!


10. Quiet! Panelologists At Work

http://panelologists.com/

The True Antidote to the Average Comic Book Podcast.  My first introduction to podcasts was through Comic Book Podcasts.  I was amazed when my friend Jay Sternitzky (creator of Short Stack: Tales of a Super-Human Plumber, check it out! http://web.mac.com/jsternitzky/paperdreamproductions.com/Home/Home.html ) informed me that there were audio programs dedicated exclusively to comic books and  pretty much any other subject.... FOR FREE!  I am comic nerd, so I gave them a shot.  One of the best of all time is Q!PAW.

Matt and Jon are two English gentlemen who put on an incredibly entertaining show.  While it is a comic book podcast, they never have a serious discussion and are constantly lampooning and mocking the comics they love so much.  There have been few episodes in the last couple of years.  The boys have had kids and big important jobs and rarely have the interest or energy to put on a show.

Even though episodes are now few and far between, this podcast made the list because the classic episodes were some of the best comedy podcasts I have ever listened to. (not just for comic book podcasts).


9.Hollywood Babble-On

http://smodcast.com/channels/hollywood-babble-on/

Kevin smith, writer, director, stoner, has a literal podcast empire.  The man talks more than most teenage girls.  With his S.I.R. Network (SModcast Internet Radio)  he and his friends churn out daily podcasts.  While the many of them are funny, only two of his podcasts made the list.

HBO, as they call it, stars Kevin Smith and Ralph Garman (impressionist for the Kevin and Bean show on K-ROQ-FM, various film roles).  Every week they host a live podcast at the Jon Lovitz Comedy Club in L.A..  This Hollywood and entertainment centered show has many reoccurring segments, lots of fan interaction and tons of Ralph Garman's impressions.  He does a pitch perfect Adam West that is simply divine.  Ralph is a good anchor for Smith.  Without a moderately dominant personality to steer him, Smith will immediately de-evolve into cock slurping sounds with every sentence centering around cum.

Kevin is funny but his fallback is cocksucking cum jokes.  He can be stretched pretty thing between his 300 podcasts.  With Ralph running the show the cock sucking sound effects are accompanied by the voices of of Bill Cosby, Ed Wynn, Al Pacino, Jerry Lewis and dozens of others.

During the first year, the show was in a constant state of evolution, it has unfortunately plateaued in recent months.  The crowd and emails requesting the same bit over and over.  Some weeks can be almost indistinguishable from others.  It is still funny and still worth listening to, but it almost did not make the list because of the recent lack of progress.


8.  The Dana Gould Hour

http://danagould.com/podcasts/

I was recently introduced to The Dana Gould Hour through Dana Gould's guest appearance on the Walking The Room podcast two months ago.  I'm glad I was, it is hilarious.  Dana and a rotating cast of friends, tell great stories, perform quality sketches and present a truly interesting show.  This review is not too long because this podcast is still new to me and it does not have too many episodes.  So far, I like what I hear.  That's about it.  Good shit!


7.  Smodcast

http://smodcast.com/

The Podcast that started it all (as far as S.I.R. is concerned).  Kevin Smith's original podcast with his friend, producer Scott Mosier.  Kevin and Scott have hilarious conversations usually centering around Nazis, sharks, movies and blowjobs.  Most of Kevin's funniest podcast moments occur on this show.  Scott brings out the best in Kevin while bringing his own calm, Canadian, comedy thunder.  Again, it's a lot of blowjob and cum eating jokes.  But very good ones.


6.  Mysterious Universe

http://mysteriousuniverse.org/

This description is from the website (lazy I know.)  "Mysterious Universe covers the strange, extraordinary, weird, and wonderful and everything in between. On these pages you will find the latest news on topics as unorthodox as the UFO Phenomenon, Ghosts and Hauntings, and Cryptozoology, along with the latest in Science, Technology, and Astronomy."

It is a Paranormal podcast.  It is very well researched and produced.  It stars two Australian men.  Ben and Aaron have a great sense of humor and take every story with a grain of salt.  They believe in the paranormal but are not the "I don't know, therefore Aliens!" kind of believers.  They can be very skeptical and explore many different angles to a story.  There is also and extended edition of the weekly podcast that can be downloaded for a monthly fee.  While the regular episodes are free, the extended episodes are $9 a month.  I have never indulged, with so many good, free podcasts out there, I can't bring myself to pay for one.  Even one as high of quality as Mysterious Universe.



I am starting to run out of steam so this list is...TO BE CONTINUED..... very soon..


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Lukewarm Passion: Erotic Fiction Starring Mitt Romney

Mitt let the heavy oak door close behind him, exhausted after a long day of private jets, rehearsed speech, and routine dishonesty. He had been building a public persona for years now and was just a few short months from reaping the rewards of his effort, but found that he had increasing appreciation for the few days every month that he was able to get back home to one of his beloved estates. The house smelled of pristine pinewood and sterile leather, clear hallmarks of Consuela's labor. Mitt smiled naturally for the first time in months at the thought of his mexican housekeeper working frantically in anticipation of his judging inspection of the property.

 As he poured himself a stiff glass of milk to wind down after the long campaign trail week a buzzing alerted him to a notice on his blackberry. Drinking deeply as he read the calendar event his smile stretched across his face once again as he realized that tonight was the first of a pre-arranged six agreed upon romantic encounters with Ann that they mutually scheduled during a husband/wife mediation session just two months ago. It excited him to know that somewhere in the house Ann laid in wait, fully clothed and eager to put her womanly commitment behind her.

 Mitt took off two of his jackets and cast them to the floor, knowing full well that Consuela would have them cleaned and pressed within the hour, and draped his final jacket over his forearm as he marched down several hallways to the heart of the compound. As he opened the large double doors to the master suite he was greeted by the image of his post-menopausal conquest, sitting at the opposite edge of a double-king sized bed, staring longingly out a locked reinforced glass window. She looked like an angel clad only in her delicate full-body holy undergarments.

 "Let's get this over with" She said without turning to meet his gaze "we have a lot of praying to do after, and I'm exhausted." She always knew what to say to get him nearly erect.

 He made a show of disrobing for her, and knew she appreciated the effort despite her refusal to look at him. The ritual was a formality now that she was unable to bear children, and her unwillingness to give herself over for unproductive pleasure only made the act more hot for Mitt. Getting what he wanted from a reluctant party was how he made his living, and now it was how he made his loving, too. Now down to nothing but his cotton vestments and socks, he crawled over the vast real estate of the bed as Ann rolled onto her back with legs spread wide, pulling apart the flap of cotton at her groin and exposing the pale dryness beneath. Mitt took a moment to gaze at the rare glimpse of unshaven hair that formed a halo around his target like the medieval-era haircut of a friar, and met her eyes as he pulled a partially turgid member from inside his magical underpants.

 He took his place at her ankles, kneeling with four inches of hot flesh in his hands, and used his index finger as a splint to wedge his penis in her warmth. Her disinterested grunt rang notice of his success as he fell upon her, thrusting an arrhythmic dance atop her motionless body.

 He went on for literally minutes, unsuccessfully convincing her to shift her backside to the left until a bead of sweat formed at his brow. In a moment of sheer panic at the thought of ruining his finely-sculpted hair he uttered a few passionate but quiet howls, determined to convince her that he managed to copulate with her to fruitful conclusion for the first time in many years before slumping over her and kissing at her neck until she pulled back in disgust. His now limp penis has pressed against the cotton-covered surface of her thigh, having been unknowingly dislodged at some point during the act. Mitt silently folded it back into his underwear and proceeded to the vast marble sanctuary of the restroom to wash the shame from his loins, leaving Ann to commence her repentant prayer alone.

When he returned he nodded his approval at her cooperation in the act, then retired to his own room triumphantly, encouraged by the thought of his next opportunity to attempt the act next month. One day, when he was president, she would relent and allow him to try it the forbidden way. Indeed, the first night they shared a bed in the White House he would get what he always wanted. Ann would be on top.


The End.

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TICKLE FIGHT!!

OOOOOH!  We gonna have a tickle fight, we gonna have a tickle fight!!  I can't wait to grind my naughty little fingers into your soft bits and undercarriage.  I am so gonna tickle the fuck out of you!  Oh, you think this is gonna be some silly, easy going tickle fight?  Well guess again asshole, this is a tickle fight.... TO THE DEATH!

It's just like the nursery rhyme my grandmother used to tell me.... 

Old Sally Glot liked to tickle a lot, and no one could stop her murders
She tickles, you laugh.  she tickles, you cry
She'll tickle your body far and wide
She'll tickle your rump and she'll tickle your groin
She'll tickle your soft bits like sweet pork loin
She tickles you scream, she tickle you whine
she tickles you pee, she tickles you die.
 
Lots of different stuff happens after peeing and before dying though.  It's not like you wet yourself with ticklish glee and keel over from the effort.  No no no.  Many other things are voided after your bladder.  Let's see... First it's the pee.  Then it's the vomit.  Then it's the poo, lot's of poo, full internal release... It looks like your intestines shed it's skin and filled it with pudding... so much pudding.  Eventually there is blood coming out of everywhere, then it's the hemorrhaging death.  Tickling is some tough shit and I am going to tickle you.  I am going to tickle the fuck out of you.

Last year I was in Boise, I was hanging out in the Ace Hardware when this young punk comes in. The little fucker calls me out in front of everybody at the Ace.  He said "I hear you think you know how to tickle old man, you don't look like hot tickle-shit to me!"  I told the boy to stand down, that he did not want a piece of this old tickle machine.  But youth and stupidity got in the way.  "Fuck you grandpa!" shouted the little fucker "Draw them ticklers, bitch!" 

Once the tickle starts, it can't be stopped.  The Ace knew what the fuck was up immediately.  Shelves were moved and a large circle was cleared for the battle.  Word quickly spread and soon the Ace and surrounding parking lot were full of thousands of people.  The cops showed up and helped with crowd control, they knew the fight must go on!

The kid had raw, unrefined talent and youth on his side.  But tickling is won through experience.  My fingers are dry and brittle.  My calluses could cut cheese, but my touch...... Gentle as lamb's milk.  The kid was grinding his fingers into my armpits and groin, but he wasn't tickling,  he didn't know what tickling was. 

I let him think he was doing well, but then I laughed.  Not the tortured laugh of the tickled, no!  The laugh of utter mockery.  I began to tickle back.  The punk crumpled to the ground unable to tickle in return, his laughter crippling.  The crowd began chanting.  "FINISH HIM! FINISH HIM!"

I could see only red, the floor pooling with more and more bodily fluids.  I could sense Death leaning over my shoulder watching me tickling the last gasps of breath from this young man's lungs.  But then I noticed in the crowd.  One face not full of blood-lust.  One woman's face in the crowd, streaming with tears.  Through my blood filled eyes (not my blood)  I could see her cry out "NOT MY SON!  PLEASE NOT MY SON!!". 

It was then that I realized that this boy had learned his lesson.  Much to the dismay of the crowd, I could not kill him, not in front of his crying mother.  He was lucky.  You my friend are not so lucky.  I don't see your mother anywhere.  DRAW THEM TICKLERS BITCH!!

I will tickle you... I will tickle the fuck out of you.

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