Happy Anniversary, Popular Irony!

Well, we did it. Despite our rigorous schedules of doing absolutely nothing of value Terlet and I have managed to keep this shitty blog going for a full year now. So to mark the occasion I decided to pull the veil back a bit and shine some light on the pale underbelly that spawned this little website we call Popular Irony. Now I am not so diluted to think that anyone reading this has been with us for very long, and certainly not since the beginning, but I am going to pretend for the next few minutes that we have some kind of dedicated following of readers that stuck by us for the past twelve months, so please humor me.

I started the blog by myself on a whim back on July 5 2011 after doing some painful introspection. I was 30 years old and had already lived a bit longer than I ever expected to, or maybe even a bit longer than I would have preferred, and I had just recently attended the wedding of my future fellow blog writer, Terlet. He and I have known each other since we were kids, attending grade school together and playing high school football, but really got to know each other when we attended college together when I lived with blog contributor and non-sexual male companion Sir Chapsworth. But when he was married in our home town I went back for the first time in many years, and seeing all our old friends that gathered from across the country had the predictable effect of making me critical of myself.

I had been working for the same company for a decade and knew it would never go anywhere, felt alone in the world, and was afflicted with the not-very-unique condition of having failed to live up to the potential and expectation that everyone but me saw in myself. I guess I was just looking for something to look forward to, a way to express my thoughts and try to be a little creative. I started writing some posts that were just half-assed renditions of personal stories and thoughts of mine, and had no expectations of anyone ever reading it.  But I was enjoying myself in my anonymous online forum.

I had told no one about my blog, probably due to my self-consciousness about it's admittedly shitty content, but decided to reach out to Terlet for some feedback so I sent him the link. But I had ulterior motives. I knew that if I kept things up Terlet would want to be a part of my pet project, and secretly hoped to benefit from his artistic and comedic creativity. We had discussed working together in the past, mostly on stories and graphic novels, but never followed through. But with such an accessible online forum it became more easily achievable, and I was able to get Terlet interested when I posted my first completely fictitious and comedic post entitled "Midgets, Dwarfs, and Other Unfortunate Half-Humans". Terlet called me and said that he liked it, and was interested in possibly starting a blog of his own, so I offered to give him administrator rights to my blog instead.

His contributions were immediately beneficial to the blog, from a complete site redesign to registering the popularirony.com domain and popularirony@gmail.com address, and we both spent a month and a half publishing one post each every day to build a catalog of content, eventually alternating days. But since that first day one year ago we have not missed a single day, making sure something was posted here no matter how hastily produced or pathetic. We were enjoying the interaction with our readers early on, tracking our pageviews, and working on blog promotion.

Since then our focus changed from writing short stories to producing absurd characters, and we made several lackluster attempts at integrating other media such as video, spoken word, music, and art. We now regularly poke fun at every conceivable taboo subject from religion to pornography, violence to politics, drug abuse to homosexuality, and everything in-between. And while I admit that we often "phone it in" from time to time, I enjoy the process as much now as when we started, if not for the chance to share a laugh then for the excuse to meet up and work on content. And far from thinking about stopping, I am eager to try new things and expand our production. Right now we are working on producing a podcast and have several ideas for projects that range from puppet shows to pen and paper role playing games, but never without our trademark absurdity.

So I guess I want to thank our fickle audience now, the silent, anonymous readers that have grown in terms of numbers but shrunk in terms of interactivity. I don't care if you refuse to comment or send email. I enjoy your faceless consumption of our daily filth, and amuse myself by imagining what kind of people you are. My only evidence comes in the form of reviewing our analytics and trying to devise what kind of person sees the offensive content we have created and doesn't immediately turn tail and run, but subscribes to the feed and checks in regularly to see what's new.

My best evidence to the kind of person that reads Popular Irony is by analyzing the search terms that draw people from google. So I want to end by sharing some of my favorites. These are actual keywords that people search in google to find our blog:

watch granny fuck

vomit pictures

velveeta spermicide

cocaine face

poony

all brutal young pedo fuck

big scab on penis

blasphemous pornography

blowjob severed head

cheese and semen

emaciated nudes

fried egg felcher

gay lustful kitty

ingenious wanking methods

japanese dirty underwear vending machine

latex whores

mexican eating puke

people who eat their own scabs

preemie puppies

purple retard

So thanks for reading, and we will be back tomorrow with our regularly scheduled unfunny comedic filth.


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Revisionist History: Independence Day

Everyone knows that the 4th of July was originally adopted as a federal holiday to commemorate the signing of the declaration of independence, officially cutting ties to Great Britain, but very few know the deeper significance that the date has accumulated over the years. We here at the Patriotic Historical Revisionist Society of America are here to bring you the whole story.

Lets go back to 1948, just after the end of world war II. America was still licking it's wounds that came with the huge national sacrifice necessary to single-handedly rid the world of the scourge of nazism, and we were struggling to convert our factories back to their original purposes after they had been repurposed to support the war, families were keeping up appearances and moving forward despite the toll that was demanded of them, and the world was looking for a way to properly thank their yankee saviors for the selfless and heroic rescue that led to the death of Adolf Hitler.

But America remained true to their grand international stature by demanding no tribute from wounded europe to repay for this rescue, and instead focused on once again dominating international trade and culture the world over. It was the great Winston Churchill that first suggested that some gesture was necessary to thank the United States for it's thankless heroism, and made a formal invitation to the heads of state of every european nation, including the still untrusted Italy and Germany, to convene in a fealty council in an effort to inspire unity in europe once again. The subject of their council was simple: to find a fitting way to thank the US for avoiding the seemingly unstoppable domination of the nazi menace and the inevitable decline of mankind.

France offered to create a new and exciting cheese in the honor of America. Italy offered to adopt the American national anthem as their own. Sweden considered sending every female on her 18th birthday on a pilgrimage to America to lose her virginity. Ireland thought of making an annual gift of 20% of their yearly production of Guiness and whiskey. But in the end it was Churchill himself that decided the matter and united all of europe to accept his proposal. So when July 4th of that year rolled around a european vote was called, and it was unanimous. Europe declared the United States as the international leader of all of europe and pledged loyalty and obedience to our wonderful nation for all time from that day forward.

I know what you are thinking. "Why haven't I ever heard of this? There seems to be some animosity between the US and europe from time to time, and the president never makes demands of europe that would be implied by their status as the leader of europe. This just doesn't make sense!" But the answer is simple. America has taken the high ground and once again proven to be the finest example of civilization that has ever been by refusing to act on it's power over europe, even declining the offer to collect a tax on all gdp of every european nation citing it's own distaste of taxation without representation. And in doing so America has cemented itself in the history books as the most just and grand country in history. Enjoy independence day and spread the word of America's reign as leader of all of europe, and thank God for every blessed minute you get to live in this fine country of ours.

Churchill addressing the fealty council

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A Matlock Mystery

Sheriff Andy Taylor is dead?!  Who the fuck would murder a small town sheriff?!  There is no way this is natural causes, it is far too suspicious.  I suspect foul play!  This is outrageous!  Move your ass Darlene! The first 48 hours of a crime are the most important hours.  This horrible bullshit will not go unsolved!

We have to act fast! We are going to need the best of the best for this case.  Darlene, put a call into Atlanta. To the Law Offices of Ben Matlock!  The Fulton County Courthouse will have to do without him for a few days.  This is too fucking important.  He may be a lawyer but he is the best person I can think of to crack this case.

.....What the fuck do you mean Matlock is dead, Darlene!?  Who the fuck murdered Matlock!? 

What monster could do this?  Who else is going to have the fortitude and conniving southern geniality to solve this horrible crime.  Fuck!  Well, try calling Columbo.  Columbo is the finest homicide detective in the nation.  I will pay to fly him in from Los Angeles, it will be worth it.  Sheriff Taylor and Matlock deserve nothing but the best.  No, I don't know his fucking first name!

 ......  Columbo is dead!?  Who could get the drop on Columbo?  He was so wily and always breaking cliches.  I am getting fed up with your bullshit Darlene!

Fuck!  It sounds like we have a serial killer.  How the fuck are we going to solve this case?  Somebody is murdering Americas greatest defenders of justice!  Wait a second... Wait a second!  Place a call to the New York City Police Department's Eleventh Precinct and get me Detective Lieutenant Theo Kojak.  That Greek sonofabitch might be our only hope to shed some light on this fucking case.

...........  What the fuck!? No!  Not him!  Not Kojak too!  GODDAMN FUCK STICKS DARLENE!

This can't be happening.  Maybe I should think outside of the box.....  I heard about this Catholic priest in Chicago who solves murders like he's handing out the Eucharist.  Send for Father Dowling!

....  Don't fucking tell me... He's dead too isn't he?  Bullshit!  Darlene, I don't know how you get paid to be fucking worthless!

This murderer will never stop.  We need somebody who understands the criminal mind.  Our only hope my be with another great lawyer.  A legal dynamo.  One of the greatest criminal lawyers in history.  Get me, motherfucking, Perry Mason!!

  ....... You are fucking kidding me!?  Perry Mason would know better... HE WOULD KNOW BETTER!!  DAAARLEEENE!!!

Goddamn shitting cunts!!!  Who the fuck is slaughtering these people!? ....  Think, Darlene, think!!  Who the fuck can we get!?  ......... Famous mystery author Jessica Fletcher!?  Fucking Jessica Fletcher!?  That's it!   I've solved it!  Jessica Fletcher fucking killed Andy Taylor...  She fucking killed them all!  It all makes fucking sense!  I've suspected her for years.  She lives in that tiny town of Cabot Cove in Maine, but every week she manages to solve a murder.  It's insane!

I bet the cops were finally getting suspicious so she started knocking off the best criminal minds to prevent capture. I'm sure that Jessica Fletcher has a crazy sex/murder addiction.  I bet she tried her little tricks in the small town of Mayberry.  That shit don't fly in Mayberry.  Fucking Sheriff Taylor was onto her shit and I bet she knew it.  She murder/raped him to keep him quiet, Basic Instinct style.  Goddammit Sheriff Taylor!  Why didn't you carry a fucking gun!!??  It is the only reasonable explanation.  Darlene, check that body for signs of rape.  Now, I just have to prove it...    Darlene, place a call to the LAPD, ask for Sergeant Joe Friday.

....... Darlene?  You are the worst kid sidekick a veteran cop could ever have.  Go back to the orphanage.


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God's Handiwork - Corn

Brother Lucius Loinladle

Not a day goes by that I don't hear some blasphemous bullshit spewed from the mouth of the unholy.  All that squawkin' about EVILution.  Those motherfuckers trying to push their bedeviled beliefs onto me and mine.  It sickens me to think that there are those who think we spawned from monkeys and mud crabs over millions of years.  That shit don't make no fuckin' sense!  You ain't provin' no fuckin' theories!

It is all so fucking simple.  It is so much easier to believe that shit's all magic, you know?  Try it... Shit's all magic.  Don't that feel fuckin' great!?  The fucking proof is all around us.  Look right there on my kitchen table, there is proof right there bitches!  It's a bushel of motherfuckin' corn!

Corn is a true example of God's handiwork.  I mean shit,  you can fucking eat it in so many ways.  That shit can be boiled, fried, grilled, creamed, stewed, pickled, microwaved or just eaten in the fucking field.  You can use the husks and shit to make like, shitty dolls for poor kids.  It has a thousand and one uses, but most prominant of all is it's intended purpose.  Corn makes a perfect dildo stick.

Cream That Shit!

God invented corn with the intended purpose of appeasing the sodomites and harlots of the world.  To keep them from straying into sin and shit.  Whoring it up or doing the old "man on man" is like, sinful, so he gave corn to the people so they could use it a pleasure device.  The culinary side effects are just a pleasant motherfuckin' happenstance.  

Corn peels back into an easy husk handle, it is naturally ribbed for your pleasure, it comes in all sizes custom fit to your pleasure threshold.  Heck they even gots big blue corn for the differently colored folk.  I always take mine, large, sweet and white.  Because God made that the most superior Corn.  Fuckin' shit!

Best Fuckin' Corn Ever!

Corn made the early Christians strong, wise and fucking satisfied. That is until the motherfucking Indians stole all the corn in the world back in ancient times, spiraling Europe into the dark ages, but Obama don't teach that shit in history class, do they!  That was the whole reason Columbus and shit went to America, to get our fuckin' corn back!  America owes it's existence to God's holy dildo, Corn!  We taught those fuckin' Indians not to fuck with God and shit, didn't we?!

Until next time, everything happens for a reason and there is magic and shit.... all around us. 

-God Bless.

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Sperm Bank Shenanigans

The sperm bank is a place that pairs up poor but genetically desirable masturbators with sexually barren relationships such as infertile male partners or lesbians. It serves a needy population that is either unsatisfied with the quality of available children within the adoption pool, or women that feel a burning need to sacrifice their womb to the demands of their insistent biological clock. In my humble opinion, anyone that feels the need to procreate should be talked out of it or settle for an already-living baby that was the product of another couple's hasty mistake, particularly in the case of infertility. We have enough people on this earth and children get on my nerves. So how can one sabotage this useless industry and strike a blow for negative population growth? Well I have a few simple ideas.

Now there are many methods one could employ to damage the reputation of these baby factories, such as disseminating misinformation to the media and internet forums. Call the media anonymously and claim that you are HIV positive and have been successfully donating to various sperm banks for years, and the failure of the banks to detect your illness has recently led to personal guilt that led you to speak up. Or maybe you could claim that you were a long time employee that has been switching samples with your own, and have probably fathered thousands of children. Either way you should see a dramatic decrease in business.

But the best methods of trolling sperm banks is accomplished from within. Firstly, you will need to gain access to the sperm bank reserves, which can be quite difficult unless employed by the bank. So either make a career change or take a rather serious risk by pretending to be an employee. From there you have two excellent options to sabotage some unsuspecting couple's genetic future. The less cruel of the two options involves messing with the expected outcome by switching the samples around. My best suggestion is that you switch all the blond haired, blue eyed donors with african-american ones. Not only will you potentially destroy the relationship by adding a suspicion of cheating in the couple, but you could possibly get lucky and crush the dreams of a few unsuspecting racists! Two birds with one stone, baby! Imagine the disappointment of a white supremacist in the delivery room when the kid is born... priceless.

The second option is more hardcore, but will go a longer way toward discrediting sperm banks as a whole. You will need to get a hold of a non-toxic chemical that can taint the sperm without killing it outright, and while there are many you could choose from, some are difficult to obtain. But if you are proficient in chemistry, you can download a simple pdf with instructions on how to synthesize acrylamide, which is present in tobacco smoke and can cause a whole host of birth defects of varying severity, all the way up to cancer! If you don't have the necessary skills you could always employ a chemistry student from your local university and they shouldn't have much difficulty performing this step for you, provided they are not incompetent. To avoid suspicion just explain that you are an inventor working on your own formula of industrial grouts and cements. Then just spike the samples (a little will go a long way) and your job is done. Cue the three-headed baby!

So the next time you walk through a department store and wish you had a shotgun to deal with the rampant plague of self obsessed kids remember these suggestions. After all, we all have to share this world we live in and we should have a say in just how fucking crowded it gets.


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Scum City Avengers - Ballsack

I'm tired.  You know what that means!?  It's time for another song from the long dead band, Scum City Avengers.  This song is about dropping your testicles onto your friend's face or head.  It's called Ballsacking.  It's different from Tea Bagging because the recipient is unwilling and the benefactor does not have a rock hard cock...... Most of the time. 

Why not listen to this song then go give your best friend a stern Ballsacking.  Just to assert your dominance.

Suddenly the Flash Player HTML shit I use is no longer working on Blogger.  Great.  Well, I guess your only choice is to click the link below.

Click here to download and hear this amazing song!! Come on! This song is about Testicles!

Ehhhhh,  They smell.

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Films For Fiends: August Underground's Mordum

Hello again, filth hounds! Welcome to another installment of Films For Fiends with your dear Hamtackle, where I watch the most offensive and vile movies available, ruin the plotlines, then give a brief review. Today I bring you August Underground's Mordum. It strikes me as an incredibly cheaply made indie goth shock film, but let's not judge a book by it's cover.

The film is entirely shot with what looks like a handheld VHS camcorder, and begins with a man catching his girlfriend fucking another man, who we later find out is her brother. When confronted the woman uses a transparently fake special effect to "cut" herself, and her boyfriend tries to let off steam by tracking down a random man and attacking him with a hammer. Afterwards the couple searches the man's house to find disturbing evidence of a household of junkies, complete with maggot-ridden food and overdose victims, before settling in to cut apart the body of the hammer victim.

Then cut to another home, where our duo inexplicably have a pair of people tied up and locked in wooden chests. They pull one woman out and rape/sexually assault her, and torment a man with a knife and scissors, forcing him to castrate himself. This leads to further sexual torment for the female prisoner as the pair shove the severed cock into her vagina. Classy, I know.

The next ten minutes or so consists of throwaway footage of the couple aggravating a store clerk and eating in cheap restaurants before returning to their lair to further abuse their captives, which still have yet to have any backstory explained. The woman proceeds to abuse the prisoners, leading to disgusting footage of a chunky emo girl laughing and puking on two other chunky crying emo girls. Forget gore, this is the most disturbing aspect of this film and will probably be a lifetime boner-kill to everyone but the actors involved. Oh yes, and now there is another man in the video, who we see brief glimpses of as the camera is passed around. This goes on for around twenty minutes until the dark haired fat chick is disemboweled, and the light haired fat chick is suffocated and beaten. The scene ends with one of the men having sex with the stomach wound of the recently dispatched dark haired woman.

There is quite a bit of cinematic body exploration in the middle of the movie, from the men showing their tiny, flaccid penises to the woman rubbing her pussy on everything within reach and playing with one man's toes. And not surprisingly the filmmakers don't miss the opportunity to show off their musical skills, you know, since they are making a movie that no one but me will watch. And can you guess what kind of music they play? If you guessed "incompetent death metal" then you get a cookie!

We are then treated to disjointed scenes of the group getting piercings and having fake fistfights, punctuated by additional close up shots of them flashing their genitals. The off-putting woman seems to have an amazing talent of vomiting on command, and they take the camera on a tour of their home which is by now littered with rotting body parts. These people must know someone with actual skill in prop making, as the body parts are passable effects considering that the quality of the film leads you to expect paper mache or something equally cheap.

Tragically the group suffers from increased infighting, resulting in more shrill screaming and hilarious arguments before ending abruptly with the insinuation that they all killed each other. The end is quite welcome, as is the implied death of all characters involved since they are not developed into any kind of story and inspire no emotions other than contempt and pity. To say it was pointless would be an understatement.

Now I feel like I should offer a brief warning for this movie, as if you intend on watching it you will have to put up with some of the most annoying performances ever captured on film. The female lead shrieks constantly, the male leads giggle like retards, and there is an overwhelming odor of chubby, unwashed emo throughout. Make no mistakes, this movie was made for the expressed purposes of shock value and overall it tries WAY too hard. I suppose that when the "filmmakers" finished this work they were pretty convinced they had produced one of the most shocking movies of all time. But all they had done, in my opinion, is create an unwatchable, poorly edited, steaming pile of shaky camerawork filled with self indulgence. It is clear that a group of social reject friends got together and decided that instead of cutting themselves and writing shitty poetry they should make a movie.

From what I have read there was a decent amount of uproar following the release of this film as many thought they were watching genuine torture-porn, but from what I can tell this is mostly because the acting and camerawork are so terrible that many might conclude that it must be genuine. Bravo, shitty producers. Bravo. Overall I would say that these people tried so hard to be dark and "edgy" that it is like Marilyn Manson and Criss Angel had a baby, got it addicted to meth, beat it into retardation, then filmed it's dreams.  But in a hilariously bad way. I fucking hated this movie, but unfortunately I downloaded two others by these filmmakers already so I might as well review them in a future installment of Films For Fiends.

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Smell This

Sit back.... relaaaax.....  Just breath deep and think of caaalm oceaaaan waaaaves.  Now close your eyes......  Thaaat's right..  Keep them closed .... Keep them cloooosed.  Now smell this.

No no no.. relax.  Just sit back down.  Calm calm.  I really want you to smell this.  ... No, you can't see it first, that would ruin the pleasur er,,, um fun.  Now sit back....  Relaaaax.  Think of warmmm mmountain breeeezes.   There you go. .... Isn't that nice?

Now keep your eyes closed and get ready... get ready.. to smell thi,.. What?  ...... Yes...... Yes, it is smelly......  What?!  Smelly can be good.......  In fact..... some people could even say that their favorite color.... is a stink.  An absolute wretched reek.  An unholy foulness that permeates the air like a fetid fog, but for some reason it strikes your fancy.  It has such a fetor, but such an attraction, that you fill paper sacks with it and breath into it like a horse feed bag.  Now think of waterfalls.  Smoooth glistening waterfalls.

Ok.  I can tell you this much.  It is a smell that I would very much like to be surprised with... .... What!? Well, that's just rude.  What gives you the idea that my odor palate would be so depraved.  Now I reeeally want you to smell it.

You know.... I could fucking make you smell it.  I've already rubbed it on a rag and it wouldn't take much for me to force it upon you.  I would prefer that you just relax, sit back, close your eyes and smell this fucking rag!

There you go.... relaaaax... just sit back... Oh, you are shuddering, you poor dear.  This stink will make you feeel aaaaalllll better.  Now close your eyes.... Whimpering is not relaxing... There you go... Relaaaax.

Now smell this....   See!?    Not bad eh!?   Lilac.

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Your Friendly Neighborhood Satanists

Greetings, neighbor! Could we have a few moments of your time to discuss the word of the almighty Satan?

Wait! Wait! I know what you're thinking. "What do these creeps think they are doing in this nice Christian neighborhood? Trying to corrupt our young ones and damn this whole city to hell?" But rest assured, friend, we mean you no harm. If you can spare just five minutes I can explain the message of the Dark One and how it can enrich your life.

 Great! I promise I'll be brief. Please take this sample literature that helps to understand our message, it will make for very informative reading later on. Firstly, we at the Satanic Church are probably the most misunderstood group in the world and the victims of a terrible negative pr campaign that is being perpetrated by the various Christian religions the world over. But far from being a scourge of the earth we are actually very productive members of society and have a lot to offer a good person such as yourself. Do you mind if we come in? I see we have attracted a bit of a crowd on your porch. Thanks.

 Oh no, it won't be necessary to make coffee just for us. But thank you for your kindness! And might I add that judging by the picture on the mantle you have a lovely family! Now if you don't mind, I will go over some of the misunderstandings you might have about Satanists, and explain our basic principles. First, you may have heard some scary stories about how we meet at night under an inverted crucifix to molest and sacrifice pure, virginal children in the name of Satan. Well this practice has been totally blown out of proportion, and only happens in the most extreme situations that require particularly powerful offerings. In fact, I can't even remember the last time I had to spread the still-warm innards of a recently disemboweled toddler over my naked body. The truth is that we tend to manage our affairs very well and rarely end up in situations that require that kind of treatment. Besides, that kind of thing used to happen all the time in the early days of the bible. Just look at the willingness of Abraham to sacrifice his son Isaac, or the offering of Lot's daughters to protect the angel in Sodom! Both were very similar to the binding and ritualized murder of children that is practiced in Satanism. Actually, most of the truly "offensive" and "vile" practices in our church are derived from the teachings of the bible, and you no doubt know just how wholesome those stories are.

And while it is true that we engage in several weekly orgies of drugs, cannibalism, and sodomy, this too is the result of influence from Christian sects! You see, the Catholics imbibe wine and bread that are not just representative of the blood and body of Christ, but they believe actually transform INTO his flesh and blood.  We at the Church of Satan just prefer to put aside the childish make-believe and engage in the genuine article.

And finally, there is a very troubling myth that is being spread around that implies that Satanists are actively attempting to destroy society and lead the world toward armageddon. This, my friend, couldn't be farther from the truth. You see, we believe that the domain of earth is a playground for Satan's children, and we have a solemn duty to enjoy all of it's fruits to as much excess as the heart desires. So why would we try to bring on the downfall of our own bountiful wonderland? It makes no sense. But can you tell me who actually longs for the end of days, when the blessed ascend to paradise on a ridiculous white horse leaving the sinners to rot in an inferno on earth? That's right, it's the Christians again. That is really the only reason why they get along so well with the Jews, because their silly religion dictates that Israel must be an independent state in order for the end to begin. Can't you see that the only people that have a vested interest in the destruction of mankind are the ones who proclaim to love them so much? This is why I knocked on your door, dear neighbor, to offer you a paradise on earth so that you may begin your feast on the bounty before it is too late! Your misguided ways have kept you from the table of the Gods for too long, and we now offer you a salvation that begins not when you die, but RIGHT NOW!

Excellent. I knew you would come along once your eyes were opened. Just a few formalities to discuss now, such as the $75 monthly dues, which although are mandatory will be reimbursed with your allotment of sacraments, such as hallucinogens and dove blood, and a low one-time fee of $150 that will cover your dark robes to wear at the Church. Just take the money at your earliest convenience, soak it in the blood of a fresh wound and cast it in a fire. And yes, we will know if you have done this or not. We will be by after one cycle of the moon to take you to your first Church service. and oh yeah, bring your daughter... for stuff.



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Speech! Speech!

A hero's welcome!  A victory speech! Tree pooping!

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