Diary Of A Degenerate 1

I resented the power my parents had over me. They had the house, the money, and the reputation. I was destined to be a disappointment. I decided long ago I would never see them again and spare us both the awkwardness.

This was the thought going through my head as I lay back in my bed, masturbating for the third time that morning. Even in my fantasies I was pathetic and disgusting. It was a mystery even to myself why I haven't blown the barrel of the revolver in my end table yet. Probably because in the list of my many negative qualities is total cowardice. I came, wiped my belly off, then got out of bed. A good start to any day.

I brushed my teeth but didn't take a shower, then got dressed. Not that I had anywhere to go. The television was showing nothing but sit-coms, which was making me feel sick. I hate comedies because enjoying them means pretending to be happy, which I hadn't been for some time now. It made me uncomfortable to buy liquor before noon, but fuck it. The booze store clerk knew what I was anyway. There was no hiding my addiction anymore. My nose was swollen and red, my breath was sweet with last night's drunkenness, and I was sickly pale. There were probably dozens of other men like me that rang the bell attached to his doorway.

"Jameson please", I said. Funny how you feel the need to be polite to the man selling you death in a bottle. It was like tipping your hangman, not that I wasn't grateful.

Once I had downed half of the bottle I had the nerve to face the world. I climbed into my car and turned on the radio to the nearest politically divisive channel I could find. They always told the truth I wanted to hear, that the world was bad enough to justify my constant attempts to avoid it. Compared to the sound of their angry rants my vomiting was poetry. I wiped my lips, spat twice, then drove through the city fast enough to deserve the attention of the cops and the disdain of the other drivers. When they pulled up next to me at the lights I stared back. They always looked away when they saw the dead eyes I had for them.

When I got to the park I sat alone on a bench and read some Chinaski. It was the only thing that kept me awake, kept me walking through the desert. I looked up only to evaluate the bodies of the passing women, deciding whether I would fuck them. But who was I kidding? I would fuck them all if they would let me, or if it was up to me alone. "Fucking pig!" the fat lady with the baby carriage said under her breath, noticing my gaze. I just looked back at her. I couldn't disagree. Better yet, her comments made me desire her more. I thought about fucking her in the bushes that lined the bike path while she screamed. It made me smile for the first time today. I walked back to my car, hungry for the rest of my bottle.

While leaving the parking lot I drove up and over the curb and cut off the guy merging with traffic from across the street. He honked but I honked longer. I turned the radio up. The drunker I got the louder it needed to be to get through. I shamelessly mouthed the bottle as I drove, unconcerned with the odds of collision or capture.

Seemingly in the next moment I became aware that I was again alone in my room. All around me was the evidence of a sloppily devoured fast food meal and an emptied bottle, telling the tale of the three or so hours I spent blacked-out before taking an involuntary nap. I checked my cell to make sure I hadn't made any embarrassing calls or texts while I was down, and satisfied, I changed out of my piss-soaked pants and went back to sleep. It was 4pm.




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Dick Scustin and the Big Bad Wolf

Richard Theobald Scustin

Once upon a time, nestled amongst rolling hills and green valleys, just beyond a babbling brook, there was a beautiful enchanted kingdom.  The kingdom was inhabited by a amazing assortment of happy villagers and magical creatures.   

Skipping down a flower lined cobblestone path was a pretty young girl.  She carried a wicker basket overflowing with delicious treats and sweets.  Roast chicken, mince pies, chocolates and puddings, all of her grandmother’s favorite foods.

The little girl wore a bright red cloak, it’s hood barely covered her bright yellow hair.  She had a soft, sweet voice which produced a giggly song.  She skipped and sang accompanied by an entourage of adorable woodland creatures. 

Happy as she was, the little girl needed to be careful.  Not every creature in the forest was kind of heart.  Her sweet smelling food, as delicious as it was, attracted an unsavory character.  Watching from the bushes, drooling slightly was the Big Bad Wolf.

The wolf wanted that basket of food and badly.  If he were to snatch the basket now, the entourage of forest creatures would see and report him to the lumberjack.  The last thing the Big Bad Wolf wanted was a visit from that pearly toothed, mountain of a man.  But how could he get this delicious basket without the other creatures witnessing his crime?  He traveled further up the road and sat down on a log on the side of the cobblestone path.  The wolf straightened his frayed, musty black suit and tried to act nonchalant, waiting for the girl to pass by. 

Moments later, the red clad girl skipped up the lane right in front of the wolf.  The wolf greeted the girl.  “Good day my dear, what brings you so deep into such dangerous woods?”

The girl responded with a beaming smile. “Me granmoffers sick she is. I’m off to give her treats and such, I am.”

“Treats you say?” asked the wolf with a devilish smile, his stomach gurgling.  The wolf smiled wryly at the girl and said “How much further is your journey, surely your grandmother cannot live too far away?”

The girl replied “Nah, she lives just aroun’ the bend, she does.  Little cottage with a white picket fence, it is.”

“It sounds lovely” said the wolf “Have a safe journey and please tell your grandmother to get better for me.”

“Right then, bye mista’ wolf” said the girl as she continued to skip down the lane, her sweet song sailing on the breeze.

Once the girl was out of site, the wolf leapt off of his stump and sprinted through the forest.  He knew exactly which cottage the girl described and if he hurried, he could beat her there.  

The wolf exited the forest right in front of the little girl's grandmother's house.  The wolf looked sheepishly over his shoulders.  With no woodland critters in sight, he knocked on the door.

A little old woman in a dressing gown opened the door.  The wolf grabbed the old woman, stripped off her gown and locked her in the basement.  "Ooh!  Getting cheeky are we!?" bellowed the excited grandmother and he shoved the basement door closed. 

The wolf quickly threw on the grandmother's clothes and nestled himself under the thick blankets of her bed to anxiously await his visitor.

Suddenly there was a knock at the door.  The wolf tried his best grandmother impression and said "Come in deary."  The wolf waited, but nobody entered.  Again, a knock on the door.  Again the wolf said "Come in my sweet."  and waited... again, nobody entered.  

The wolf, confused and concerned, pull himself out of the bed and opened the front door.  Greeting him was not the adorable girl with the basket of treats, but a surly man in camel hair sport coat clinging to a suitcase full of carpet samples, his face a patchwork of skin grafts.  "You are not the little girl, er uh, my granddaughter." said the wolf.

"What the fuck are you talking about!?"  grumbled the man "I ain't no little girl!"  

"Then what do you want?" asked the wolf.

"I'm Dick Scustin, you want some carpets or what!?"  Said Dick slamming his suitcase of carpet samples on top of a beautiful patch of begonias.  Shamford's Quality Carpets, the best carpets in the whole goddamn kingdom!"

"I don't have time for this" said the wolf "My granddaughter will be here any minute."  replied the wolf with annoyance in his voice.

"You mean that little rat in red?  I told her this is my turf!  I'm doing the door to door in this neighborhood today.  I took that basket full of crap she was selling and booted it into the fucking river!  That fucking scab!"  Shouted Dick.

The wolf, stunned by this news, stared at the salesman with his mouth agape.  

"You know what lady?" said Dick "you got some big fucking eyes.  All the better to look at my quality carpet samples."

The wolf replied "Unless there is a roast chicken in that suit case, I am not interested."

A red rage grew in Dick's eyes.  "If you don't want carpet then just fucking say so, you fucking cunt sack!"  Dick's anger caused a tirade of profanity to spill from his mouth at the wolf.  The wolf was so stunned by the onslaught, that he did not notice the lumberjack approaching the yard holding the hand of a crying little girl dressed in red.  

The lumberjack saw the cross dressing wolf  standing in the open doorway and pulled out his axe.  Before the wolf had time to react, the double bladed wood axe was buried in his chest.  

The wolf howled in pain as blood sprayed throughout the grandmother's house before dropping to the floor.  The lumberjack pried the axe from the suffering wolf and proceeded to hack him into pieces.  The little girl heard her grandmother's shouts and opened the basement door.  Dick surveyed the interior of the cottage and noticing the blood and gore strewn rug, walked right up to the grandmother and said "It looks like you need new carpet!"  It was his first sale in months.

Dick Scustin is still out there, banging on doors, swearing at the elderly, screaming at children and selling his carpets.  They are quality carpets.

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So Many Adorable Babies!

As regular readers will know, we at Popular Irony absolutely LOVE babies. In fact, we consider ourselves to be experts in the identification and classification of the various types of babies! So we decided to do a quick rundown of a few of the common types complete with definitions. Enjoy!

Sugar Babies: This type of baby is desired by the "gold digger" category of mother, and is only produced after a lengthy and coercive courtship with a wealthy father. Although they are the result of an entirely consensual arrangement, they become a major drain on finances for 18 long years, regardless of the status of the marriage. Often referred to as "meal ticket babies", they represent financial security for the proud mother.

Anchor Babies: These adorable bundles of joy are hastily produced by illegal immigrants to create conditions in their host country that gives the parents leverage to remain in their new home without threat of deportation. Despite their cute appearances, these babies are despised by politically conservative people, and are considered to be the only acceptable exception to their stance on abortion.

Landmine Babies: Widely considered to be the product of devious motivations, this type of infant is the product of a trap-like scheme by the mother to force a commitment by the father. Common tactics include "forgetting" to take birth control pills, sabotaging condoms, or even promiscuous activity outside the relationship to achieve impregnation. The only defense to this tactic is a prompt paternity test, vasectomy, or an engineered miscarriage.

Magic Babies: So called for their propensity to "disappear" from the womb at convenient times, the magic baby is most common among very young, single, non-religious mothers. The expectant mother usually takes a short "vacation" and returns to her friends and family baby-free! Also known as "mulligan embryos", they represent a significant opportunity to further the mother's personal and professional development without the implied responsibilities associated with parenthood.

Barter Babies: The values of these babies is reduced from emotional and genetic bonds to sheer monetary value. They are most often involved in transactions for cash or drugs to human traffic organizations for the purposes of indentured slavery or the sex industry. Can be frequently found in coded craig's list advertisements or in tattered cardboard boxes in and around Walmart parking lots. When a parent's motivations for profit outweigh their desire to remain responsibility-free, the "magic baby" can quickly turn into a "barter baby".



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Booze Reviews - Pastiglie Leone Absinthium

Dr. Sheldon Bedfeathers - Unapologetic Alcoholic

Wilco, welc...  welcome once again to..  another one of my ... booze... talk .... things... um.. chock full of insightful............ opeeno  opinin.. opinions about booze.  I am alcoholic extraordinaire, Dr. Sheldon Bedfeathers.  I like to drink and I like to write so I figured I would ... um.... write about drink.  I have decades of.. um... experience with booze ..... and such. Today, I thought we would try something a bit... um.. exoticish.

Absinthe....  Delicious Absinthe.  I am quite a fan of .. um... absinthe.  Contrary to popular belief, absinthe does not make you hallucinate.  But it will get you very ... um... drunk.  The makers of today's absinthe is an Italian candy company, Pastiglie Leone.  The .. um... absinthe is called "Absinthium" which is Italiano for Green.... um... Fairy.

Let's pop the cork and see what we got!  ...............Phew, this is ... um.. citrusy and dripping with star anise.  Dripping anise.... uh huh.... Now you really need to dive in if you are truly to ... um... enjoy absinthe.  I start by filling a large wine glass.  Don't worry if it is more than half of the bottle, it's ... um... worth it. 

Look at the legs on that booze!

First I take a tiny sip...  mmmm.  .... ooooh, that is definitely....  um...  absinthe.   Then I take a swallow.......    hhhuuuhuhuhuh..... huhuhhhh... That is good!  The star anise and the citrus are ravishing each other inside of my mouth.  They are making wet, hot, carnal love across my palate and it tastes like nobody is wearing a condom.  That is zippy!  Now tip back the whole glass... all of it...... ....... .... ...... ....    HAAAA!!  HOT BUTTERED POTATO!! WHOO!! sham shammy shamms huhuhuhuhhhhhhuuuuu.   Phew!  That's uh... That's uh..  That's good.

Now, a lot of people think you should only drink absinthe if you do "the ritual".  There are several ways to do the .. um ... ritual.  There's the Traditional French and the Glass in Glass method but I have mostly done the Burning Czech Method   See, you take this absinthe spatula, rest it above a glass, place a sugar cube on the spatula and pour the absinthe over the cube.  Then you light it on... um... fire and once the sugar caramelizes a bit, extinguish and dilute it with 3-4 ounces of water.  Mix it up with the .... um.... spatula and drink. 

The Ritual

 Personally, I feel the ritual is bohemian bullshit!  It's like dumping Kool-Aid into your fine booze.  I ain't no college princess drinking pucker!  I'm a Dag-blasted man!  Diluting booze with water is tantamount to watering down your semen to help get you pregnant.  It does not get the .... um.... job done!

Overall I give the Pastiglie Leone Absinthium 4 out of... um.... 5 ...um..... stars.  Until next time, keep... um... drinkin'!


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Mars Rover Curiosity Encounters Christian God

The first day of information streaming from Mars by the rover "Curiosity" has delivered an unexpected result in the form of undeniable proof of the existence of a Christian God, NASA said in a press release hours ago. We spoke over the phone with Curiosity team member Gregory Galgana Villar III about the startling news.

"Curiosity appears to have stumbled upon the physical embodiment of God at around 11AM EST this morning. We have not released the video evidence, as there are concerns stemming from the Department of Homeland Security that when this now clearly undeniable proof of God's existence discredits all the worlds other religions there will be massive riots and uprisings from the members of those perspective denominations of faith."

We asked Mr. Villar to describe what he witnessed in the video, and he gave a somewhat vague description that included a bearded male figure "wrapped in the light of omnicient compassion", who imparted proof of his identity and details of his message to all who viewed the video by some supernatural means. Villar was reluctant to go into detail about the message from the creator, but did say that God was very clear that He "certainly hates fags", and revealed the truth to be "somewhere between catholic and protestant doctrine, although the message has been corrupted over the years".

"I don't know how to proceed from here. I mean, pretty much all of us here at NASA were sure He didn't exist, but now we are the first human beings in history to have documentation of a visual encounter with Him. Most of us are planning to use up our vacation time to do some serious spiritual introspection, and I can tell you that I will personally be taking the sabbath MUCH more seriously from here on. And I have a lot of forgiveness to seek in the upcoming days..."

Until now the atheist movement had been gaining global traction, particularly in europe, where as many as 60% of the population are now self-identified atheists. Assertions that religion serves too great a purpose of social cohesion to not have been invented for that purpose by those seeking to mold the poor, illiterate masses to do their bidding, or that any argument that offers proof in favor of a specific religious truth could have minor details altered to argue for a different, mutually-exclusive God, have now all been discredited. We have reached out to Dr. Richard Dawkins, biologist and notable atheist, for his statement regarding the situation, but he has not yet responded.

And in the United States, an overwhealmingly christian nation, there are fears about what impact the news will have on this year's presidential election, given that candidate Mitt Romney's belief in the mormon doctrine took a serious blow this morning, and many still believe Barack Obama to be an antichrist-in-waiting. Hopefully answers to these questions and countless others will be revealed when further details are made available.



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Scum City Avengers - I'm Batman

Hey folks, Terlet here with another musical gift.  I'm so fucking generous.  I am finally going to go see the new Batman movie tomorrow.  In honor of that, I present to you an old Scum City Avengers bonus track.... I'm Batman!

Click here to listen bitches!

Quotable Cleveland - Olympics Edition

"Ping pong aint a sport" - Dangle Hills; bus driver

"What's a water polo?" - Sam; architect

"If there isn't a goalie, how do they score?" - Dick Singleterry; youth minister, on gymnastics

"Them Chinese can't ride horses" - Lance Perry; bird feeder

"Allowing a cyborg in sprinting? Everyone knows the Nexus 6 models only have a four year life span!" - Andy Samerson; Pokemon trainer

"Honestly, his entry was amazing!" - Daryl Powers; bareback gay porn actor

"He's just so strong aggressive.  They couldn't stop him, but just had to sit back and accept what he was giving them." - Random bus passenger, on Kobe Bryant

"That ain't how you make a soup!" - Theresa Briggs; provocateur, on Ryan Lochte

"I really thought their last drummer was better.  But then again, I see them every year." - Random man who thought we were discussing the Grateful Dead

"A wink and a smile will only get you so far, girlfriend!" - Unknown drunken taxi driver, criticizing women's boxing

"He should be screened for Testosteroni!" - Bernie Waddles, on Michael Phelps

"I'm waiting for the bowling finals." - Unnamed barfly beggar

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The World Series Of Political Poker

Barack "POTUS" Obama


Incredible poker face, keeps cool in the most heated battles. Seems to play the game as if he doesn't want to win, or rather, doesn't want anyone to lose. Believes all players should volunteer to pay a higher ante for each game, and if any one player falls behind he should be considered for a communal "buy in" at a higher interest rate, just to keep things fair and interesting. Although he is very personable and pleasant, all other players hate him.



Willard "Mittens" Romney

Is in favor of eliminating the ante, and indeed would rather forego the entire game if all players agree to preemptively pass along their winnings to him, as he believes he will make the wisest choices when spending the money and in the end it will be better for everyone anyway. Promises that if he is allowed to win he will pick up the bill at the end of the night, except for the beer because he didn't have any. He is generally disliked due to his habit of playing cards while wearing a $10,000 suit, and over-using the word "fortuitous".



Sarah "The Anchor" Palin

The most unpredictable player, she has a habit of going "all in" regardless of the hand dealt to her. Talks too loudly and generally annoys all other players, but is tolerated because she frequently loses and a few players think she might show her tits some time. She remains flattered by her given nickname "The Anchor", but doesn't understand it is a reference to her ability to sink a campaign in record time. But she keeps the mood light by spitting in Barack's drink whenever he goes to the bathroom.



Johnny "Two-Tone" Boehner

So named for the irregular color of his skin, Boehner insists on his invitation to poker night every time despite hating the game in general. He initiates discussions on tactics and is always the first to volunteer to deal the cards, but stalls the game and frequently declares that everyone is cheating. It is very difficult to complete a game when he is playing, earning constant claims of "obstructionist gambling" by Barack.



"No-No" Nancy Pelosi

Takes a seat at the table, but never plays. She prefers to watch the game progress from the outside and then criticize the winners. Shamelessly roots for Barack much to his embarrassment, and is always on hand with a handkerchief to blot the tears of Boehner when he breaks down, which happens frequently. She is tolerated because she is a cheap date, drinking only water and eating only bird seed.



"Lonely" Ronny Paul

Not allowed to play, Paul is present at every game venue pounding on the door and shouting. All poker players have a silent agreement that he is dangerous to the game, and fear that it would quickly degenerate into a fistfight if he was allowed in. "Mittens" Romney always calls the local nursing home to have him picked up outside, a joke that got a laugh one time so he repeats it ad nauseum.





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Dear Booger Wiper,

I am one of your many coworkers.  I just wanted to express my thanks for your generosity and imagination.  Everyday there is a new booger smeared on the left hand side of one of the two urinals in the public restroom that we share.  It is quite an impressive collection of boogers and you are quite skilled at retrieving and displaying them.  I am glad that you feel the impulse to cram a filthy finger into the soft tissue of your sinuses while you relieve yourself of a generous bounty of urine. 
I am also dazzled by your choice of location to display your art.  We work in a very nice, clean office.  We are paid well and everyone presents themselves with a modicum of good hygiene and fashion.  I have seen others attempt your technique in dozens of Walmarts and truck stop bathrooms across the world.  But never have I seen it so well performed than in our small, clean, executive lavatory.

I'm sure the owners and vice presidents of our company get as much pleasure from your artistic displays as I do.  I have heard nothing but good things from my other male coworkers concerning your talent.  Whoever you are, we hold you in the highest regard.

I truly appreciate the fact that you don't attempt to flick your boogers into the urinal.  That would deprive you the pleasure of smearing and deny us the pleasure of getting to stare at your art whenever we urinate.

I hope one day to meet you so I can express my gratitude and admiration in person.  By wiping your boogers on the left hand side of the urinal, I have to assume that you are left handed.  That eliminates 90-93% of the population.  Unless you grip your penis with your dominant hand and pick with the other....  Hmmm.  Which requires more dexterity, the nose picking or the dick aiming?  Personally, I am right handed and pick with my right hand.  You won't find any boogers on the right side of our urinals though... I am not an artist like you.

I know that it must bring our custodian, Francisco, to tears whenever he is forced to remove such beauty from the wall.  He must dread it. He probably experiences the same level of remorse that he would feel if he was forced to suffocate a kitten.  Either way, I know he loves seeing new boogers of his freshly cleaned wall.  It gives him a sense of purpose and inspiration.

Again, my sincere thanks.  You truly are a gifted and generous person, whoever you are.  Keep up the good work!

God Bless You - Terlet

One of the mystery artists most recent exhibitions.

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Colon Health Now!

Do you have headaches, stiffness in the neck and shoulders, or problems sleeping?  Are you occasionally stricken with diarrhea or loose stool?  Does your skin discolor in direct sunlight?  Then you are in need of immediate colon health intervention.

I am Dr. Genki Imoru and I am here to solve you minor and severe ailments with a slightly invasive but pain-free colon inspection.  I have the magic fingers that have been proven to diagnose and resolve many conditions that may or may not be related to your colorectal health, from nearsightedness to vericose veins.

These magic digits have been inside athletes, movie stars, and even presidents!  And the best part is that even if I am unable to resolve your minor discomforts, you will be treated to a stress-free procedure that includes mood music and lighting, engaging small talk, and a pleasant, welcoming smile throughout.  And all in the relaxing comfort of my well-furnished living room!

And although several of my patients would gladly pay top-dollar for my intimate colon treatments, I generously offer my services COMPLETELY FREE OF CHARGE!  That's right, you can receive a cutting-edge medical procedure from one of the nation's foremost recognized authorities on anal fondling for just the cost of a little of your time and dignity.

And before you jump to any conclusions about my motivations, let me assure you that my only interest in your backside is entirely for the analysis and documentation of the full range of human colorectal health.  Naturally this will require a thorough photographic assessment of the area in and around your anus, so you may want to bring some sunglasses to minimize discomfort from the rather excessive lighting required to properly document each patient.

So don't delay!  Email me at popularirony@gmail.com for a quick and courteous response, because appointment slots are filling up fast, and you don't need to go another day without the relief that a good fingering can provide!

(The use of the title "doctor" is intended as a term of endearment only.  Mr. Imoru has never attended any institution of medical learning, been certified in any way, or served in a medical apprenticeship.  Mr. Imoru is required by law to inform all viewers of this advertisement that he is currently a registered sex offender in the states of California, Nevada, and New Hampshire.)