Dr. Seuss Presents: False Flag!

“They did it on purpose!  They’ve come for our freedom!  And if we don’t fight to protect them, we’ll have to concede them!”

The man went on shouting, his audience entranced.  If they decided to believe him, they’d sure shit their pants.  Perched on his soapbox he commenced to his ranting, foaming and spitting, with canine-like panting.

“The government spooks have now shown their true faces, with all their resources being put through their paces!  

The CIA, FBI, and even the Navy!  A free-thinking public could only spoil the gravy!  

It started out small, healthcare draining our coffers!  Now they will win this dark war since we’ve turned into paupers!”

He was winning them over as their doubt was relaxed.  Maybe he knew something more, besides no one liked the new tax!

“Now we have got Aurora and Newtown, coincidence you say?  It’s manufactured convenience, reason to take guns away!  

Twelve shot in a theater, one kid killed twenty-six?  Do they think we are stupid?  Can you not smell the clear fix?  

It was government lackeys with training to kill, not some troubled young people who were mentally ill!”

Even the skeptics were turning, their conversion was nearing...  And the faithful among them began chanting and cheering!

“Now the bombing in Boston, civil war has begun!  And no one is safe, they’ll destroy everyone!  

Next it’s the Big Apple, L.A, and every city between!  The fight will be brutal!  DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS?!

WE TAKE ACTION!  A NEW FLAG, UNDER COMMANDER GLENN BECK!  NOW OUT TO THE STREETS!  WE’VE GOT A NATION TO WRECK!”

The crowd now behind him, he started his riot.  But to the outside observer, it all seemed so quiet... For all his screaming and shouting, and conspiratorial tone,  The man looked quite pathetic, marching alone.

.

New YOUTUBE Shows! Coming Soon!

Hamtackle and Terlet have been hard at work on a brand new series of YOUTUBE SHOWS!!  Below are two new intros to two new shows!  F**k The Beast and Discount Amateur Surgery.  These are a bit rough, but I think they are gorgeous.  Stop sniffing your fingers and get to watchin'!

-

How To Toss A Salad

Tossing salad is an art, and it takes dedication and a gentle nature to do it properly.  Many people are hesitant to try salad tossing at home because they are afraid it will become a messy chore, but if done properly a salad can be tossed with little necessary cleanup, leaving you with a satisfied feeling.

First choose your lettuce.  It must be fresh and showing minimal signs of wilting, and in order for you to find it palatable in the end, must be washed by hand first.  Do this in advance, as nothing kills the mood like a break in the action for the purposes of basic hygiene.

Next it’s time to get to chopping.  Don’t think this is skipping the foreplay, because it isn’t.  The chopping is only the start of the action, I assure you.  Your aim is to lubricate the salad with a little oil, and loosen it up for the upcoming fondling.  There is nothing less appetizing than a dry, dusty salad tossing.  Get liberal with the drizzle and get that salad in manageable sections so nothing is neglected.  You are going to need to get into every nook and cranny to treat this salad proper.

Now you need to be willing to get your hands dirty.  Some people might get a little squeamish on this step, but you will need to soldier on.  You know what you were in for when you signed up for some salad tossing.  To make sure everything gets mixed up properly you will need to toss for about three to four minutes, or until the salad begs you to stop, which ever comes first.  Just remember to maintain eye contact, and as always, when tossing a salad you will need to remember to cup the bowls.

Now that the salad has had its fun, you get your turn.  Dress that salad with everything you’ve got.  Some say you should always dress your salad before tossing it, but that is not the gentleman’s way.  A good tosser knows that the salad always get’s its end first.  And besides, you are going to be all tuckered out once the dressing sprays its last drop, so get all the hard work done first.

And that, my friends, is how you properly toss a salad.

.

Here is a Gif....That is all. - A Fox Eating A Nome

I love Terry Pratchett.  This gif is from a stop motion movie from one of his books, "Truckers".  It is part of the Nome trilogy.  I know what you are thinking, smart-ass.  I don't know how to spell Gnomes.  Well, these aren't Gnomes, asshole, these are Nomes, so shut your fucking fucking judgmental mouth.

 

That is all....



-

'Twas The Night Before 420

Twas the night before 420, when all through the city,
A bomber was hiding, in a boat that was shitty.
He laid all alone in a blood and piss soaked bed,
Scared that the SWAT team would soon make him dead.

The country was watching, wondering where he could be,
In devilish anticipation of a death on TV.
When one lucky smoker found some blood in his yard,
He ran to his phone, and the FEDS came down hard.

They showed they meant business, and fired some rounds,
Then listened to him whimper, and other pathetic sounds.
It dragged on for hours, and the kid seemed to be screwed,
Then the cops got him to surrender, with the promise of food.

The people were cheering, the terrorist beaten and dragged,
Then taken to the hospital, where he was treated and tagged.
He would get no miranda, probably suffer more beating,
But no one would care, he deserved even worse treating!

The media vultures arrived, circling overhead,
Eager for news, on if the killer was dead.
But the doctors worked hard, to make sure he kept breathing,
Because if the man died, the public’s rage would be seething!

"We want torture! Interrogation! and a televised trial!
And we hope he pleads not guilty, so the show lasts awhile!
To Gitmo he goes, after we’re done in the courts!
For more humiliation and torture, even a raping of sorts!"

And after our bloodlust, and the media circus,
Islamophobia would be stronger, with public burnings of burkas.
And America remains undefeated, foiling another terrorist plot
But who fucking cares?  Let’s just smoke some more pot.

Happy 420!

Beardo

Hi, it's me, Beardo.  You know, Beardo!  I'm that portly guy at your work that wears shorts and a t-shirt year round.  Come on, you see me every day playing hacky sack while I am on break.  Did you notice how all of my friends are wearing winter coats and gloves?  HA!  Not me, t-shirt and shorts, baby, t-shirt and shorts.

What's that?  No, I'm not cold at all.  I am totally tough and cool.  In fact, I consider myself "The Coolest Guy at Work".  I don't see anybody else kicking ass in shorts and a t-shirt when the temp is the teens.  Hellz no, just me. ..... Why yes, these are the same shorts everyday...... Hmmmm?  Well, who needs to own more than two t-shirts, really? 

I can totally tell that people are jealous of how cool I look.  They wish they could be me but they can't brave the cold like a real man, like me.  It is so obvious that my female co-workers want to pork me.  I mean, who wouldn't, right?  ..... What's that?  .... Well no, I haven't "Bed" any of my female coworkers......Yet!  I think they are just too intimidated by my manly beard that is the same length as my balding head hair.  Only one attachment needed for my clippers, and yes, the curtains match the carpet.

Well, I'm going to get a little more hacky sacking in before my break is over.  Where are my friends?  Those losers said it was "too cold" today.  Wussies.  ... What's that?  Why yes, that is frozen saliva on my beard.  It looks bad-ass right?  Your eyes say no but my chapped skin says "Yes"......  OK, bye then...



-

AOU Kansas City Campus

Here at Abstinence Only University we apply the concepts embraced by Missouri public schools to provide the nation's first sociologically and scientifically hostile higher learning environment. If accepted, you scholarly experience begins with the mandatory wool and burlap uniforms and luxurious segregated dormitories, where you will enjoy a living space bereft of sexual temptation. But it doesn't stop there! We offer some of the most wholesome theologian-approved curriculum available in the bible belt!

Come join "professor" Diane Watkins as she explains the economic concepts of supply and demand through the lens of fundamental and righteous gender inequality. Learn how a woman's inherent lack of intellectual aptitude drives the world economy and how Jesus calls for male dominance to ensure fruitful capitalist prosperity until the second coming!

Discover how touching your genitals for any reason other than bathing could be responsible for the decline and eventual collapse of the American empire, just as it was for the historic doomed empires of the Ottomans and Romans! And take in the refreshing historical teachings that show us how personal sexual shame can benefit human civilization for generations to come at one of our acclaimed* lectures by notable author Norman Gregory.

Or is social studies more your thing? Perhaps you could sign up for Sociology 101 with Dr. Spencer Watson and experience the worldwide revolution in feminine empowerment by the adoption of ancient cultural traditions in the middle east, where fashion designers are "taking back the burkha" and making it a symbol of pride for western women today!

And for the inquisitive child in all of us there is a robust curriculum of natural science courses to demonstrate divine wrath for those that presume to understand the ways of God through observation of dangerous chemical reactions and exposure to radioactivity. Come learn how viewing the heavens through a telescope is the moral equivalent of a peeping tom staring lustfully through the keyhole of God's creation, and how piety can lead to intellectual truth!

So take the plunge and join us in training a new generation to fill America's future businesses with an army of righteous businessmen, politicians, and technicians that have an understanding grounded in respect for God's natural law, and steeped in a deep personal sexual shame. Our supporters are touting us as "A heavy-handed approach to integrating theological dogma into secular teachings" and "A dangerous regression into fostering contempt for scientific advancement."  Degree not included.

.

F**k The Beast is coming soon!!

Continuing our proud tradition of widely beloved, Minecraft Youtube Videos, we present a brand new show!!  F*<k The Beast is coming soon!  That's right, it's your old pals Hamtackle and Terlet playing the Minecraft modpack, Feed The Beast!  Fuck me sideways, this is exciting news! 

Keep your eyes on this website or visit our Youtube page.....

Steaming Pile o' Tekkit 

F*<k you soon!!


-

Here is a Gif....That is all. - Bravestarr Shaman

Aw shit, yeah!  Shamans got your back Bravestarr!  Keep fighting Tex Hex and his band of outlaws!  Your planet is a desert hellscape and your cartoon sucked, but still, Yeeha!!

That is all...



-

Diary of a Degenerate 35

Nearly a half hour passed before I heard the sound of heavy boots pounding the stairs outside the door.  The brutish man was back with a cell phone and leather gloves on.  It seems he didn’t think I was going to be able to come up with the money, and he was prepared to finish me off.  Following close behind him was the little girl translator, no doubt tagging along to make sure I didn’t try anything stupid.  But the joke was on them.  Not only had my family disowned me long ago, but I never really had friends.  Especially not friends with the means to save my ass right now.  If I needed drugs or booze then maybe... but not money.

He handed me the phone and I reached out and took it from him, an ancient flip phone from some mexican prepaid phone service, and pawed at the number pad with my broken fingers with utter futility.  “Can you dial for me?”  I asked the little girl, and she walked over with that same level of chilling confidence she had when she told me all about my dubious fate a short time ago.  As soon as she was within arm’s length I had her.

I stood up with ease with a kicking and screaming child in my hands, hands that showed much more strength than even I thought I had.  The look in the man’s eyes was priceless.  Not long ago I couldn’t even stand, let alone leap to my feet.  He was amazed that I was no longer restrained, the bindings dropping to the floor.  My broken hands had easily slipped through the cord he used to tie me up, the only upside to the agonizing beating he gave me.  When I grabbed the child by the throat she stopped struggling.  I was one quick motion away from snapping her neck and she knew it.

“Tell him to bring me some clothes and all the money you took from me.  And a gun.”  I loosened my grip on her neck so she could mutter the words to him.  He shook his head at me and I smiled.  Then I slipped the fingernail of my left index finger into the girl’s eye socket and punctured the orbit.  I am not sure which I heard loudest, her shrieks or the wailing of her father as he dropped to his knees.  The sensation of her wet eyelid gripping my finger like a miniature vagina turned my stomach slightly and made me cough.  If they had fed me anything in the past day I might have thrown up right then and there, but I held eye contact with the man as he regained his feet, sobbing.  “And tequila”  I added, moving my gore-stained finger to the girl’s other eye.  I heard him scramble back up the stairs.  He would either return with a fierce resolve to kill me, or to appease me.  Either way it would end now.