Saturday, June 30, 2012

Scum City Avengers - Ballsack

I'm tired.  You know what that means!?  It's time for another song from the long dead band, Scum City Avengers.  This song is about dropping your testicles onto your friend's face or head.  It's called Ballsacking.  It's different from Tea Bagging because the recipient is unwilling and the benefactor does not have a rock hard cock...... Most of the time. 

Why not listen to this song then go give your best friend a stern Ballsacking.  Just to assert your dominance.

Suddenly the Flash Player HTML shit I use is no longer working on Blogger.  Great.  Well, I guess your only choice is to click the link below.


http://www.lmfao.us/content/owned/wrestling-ballsack.jpg
Ehhhhh,  They smell.

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Friday, June 29, 2012

Films For Fiends: August Underground's Mordum




Hello again, filth hounds! Welcome to another installment of Films For Fiends with your dear Hamtackle, where I watch the most offensive and vile movies available, ruin the plotlines, then give a brief review. Today I bring you August Underground's Mordum. It strikes me as an incredibly cheaply made indie goth shock film, but let's not judge a book by it's cover.

The film is entirely shot with what looks like a handheld VHS camcorder, and begins with a man catching his girlfriend fucking another man, who we later find out is her brother. When confronted the woman uses a transparently fake special effect to "cut" herself, and her boyfriend tries to let off steam by tracking down a random man and attacking him with a hammer. Afterwards the couple searches the man's house to find disturbing evidence of a household of junkies, complete with maggot-ridden food and overdose victims, before settling in to cut apart the body of the hammer victim.

Then cut to another home, where our duo inexplicably have a pair of people tied up and locked in wooden chests. They pull one woman out and rape/sexually assault her, and torment a man with a knife and scissors, forcing him to castrate himself. This leads to further sexual torment for the female prisoner as the pair shove the severed cock into her vagina. Classy, I know.

The next ten minutes or so consists of throwaway footage of the couple aggravating a store clerk and eating in cheap restaurants before returning to their lair to further abuse their captives, which still have yet to have any backstory explained. The woman proceeds to abuse the prisoners, leading to disgusting footage of a chunky emo girl laughing and puking on two other chunky crying emo girls. Forget gore, this is the most disturbing aspect of this film and will probably be a lifetime boner-kill to everyone but the actors involved. Oh yes, and now there is another man in the video, who we see brief glimpses of as the camera is passed around. This goes on for around twenty minutes until the dark haired fat chick is disemboweled, and the light haired fat chick is suffocated and beaten. The scene ends with one of the men having sex with the stomach wound of the recently dispatched dark haired woman.

There is quite a bit of cinematic body exploration in the middle of the movie, from the men showing their tiny, flaccid penises to the woman rubbing her pussy on everything within reach and playing with one man's toes. And not surprisingly the filmmakers don't miss the opportunity to show off their musical skills, you know, since they are making a movie that no one but me will watch. And can you guess what kind of music they play? If you guessed "incompetent death metal" then you get a cookie!

We are then treated to disjointed scenes of the group getting piercings and having fake fistfights, punctuated by additional close up shots of them flashing their genitals. The off-putting woman seems to have an amazing talent of vomiting on command, and they take the camera on a tour of their home which is by now littered with rotting body parts. These people must know someone with actual skill in prop making, as the body parts are passable effects considering that the quality of the film leads you to expect paper mache or something equally cheap.

Tragically the group suffers from increased infighting, resulting in more shrill screaming and hilarious arguments before ending abruptly with the insinuation that they all killed each other. The end is quite welcome, as is the implied death of all characters involved since they are not developed into any kind of story and inspire no emotions other than contempt and pity. To say it was pointless would be an understatement.

Now I feel like I should offer a brief warning for this movie, as if you intend on watching it you will have to put up with some of the most annoying performances ever captured on film. The female lead shrieks constantly, the male leads giggle like retards, and there is an overwhelming odor of chubby, unwashed emo throughout. Make no mistakes, this movie was made for the expressed purposes of shock value and overall it tries WAY too hard. I suppose that when the "filmmakers" finished this work they were pretty convinced they had produced one of the most shocking movies of all time. But all they had done, in my opinion, is create an unwatchable, poorly edited, steaming pile of shaky camerawork filled with self indulgence. It is clear that a group of social reject friends got together and decided that instead of cutting themselves and writing shitty poetry they should make a movie.

From what I have read there was a decent amount of uproar following the release of this film as many thought they were watching genuine torture-porn, but from what I can tell this is mostly because the acting and camerawork are so terrible that many might conclude that it must be genuine. Bravo, shitty producers. Bravo. Overall I would say that these people tried so hard to be dark and "edgy" that it is like Marilyn Manson and Criss Angel had a baby, got it addicted to meth, beat it into retardation, then filmed it's dreams.  But in a hilariously bad way. I fucking hated this movie, but unfortunately I downloaded two others by these filmmakers already so I might as well review them in a future installment of Films For Fiends.






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Smell This

Sit back.... relaaaax.....  Just breath deep and think of caaalm oceaaaan waaaaves.  Now close your eyes......  Thaaat's right..  Keep them closed .... Keep them cloooosed.  Now smell this.


No no no.. relax.  Just sit back down.  Calm calm.  I really want you to smell this.  ... No, you can't see it first, that would ruin the pleasur er,,, um fun.  Now sit back....  Relaaaax.  Think of warmmm mmountain breeeezes.   There you go. .... Isn't that nice?


Now keep your eyes closed and get ready... get ready.. to smell thi,.. What?  ...... Yes...... Yes, it is smelly......  What?!  Smelly can be good.......  In fact..... some people could even say that their favorite color.... is a stink.  An absolute wretched reek.  An unholy foulness that permeates the air like a fetid fog, but for some reason it strikes your fancy.  It has such a fetor, but such an attraction, that you fill paper sacks with it and breath into it like a horse feed bag.  Now think of waterfalls.  Smoooth glistening waterfalls.



Ok.  I can tell you this much.  It is a smell that I would very much like to be surprised with... .... What!? Well, that's just rude.  What gives you the idea that my odor palate would be so depraved.  Now I reeeally want you to smell it.

You know.... I could fucking make you smell it.  I've already rubbed it on a rag and it wouldn't take much for me to force it upon you.  I would prefer that you just relax, sit back, close your eyes and smell this fucking rag!

There you go.... relaaaax... just sit back... Oh, you are shuddering, you poor dear.  This stink will make you feeel aaaaalllll better.  Now close your eyes.... Whimpering is not relaxing... There you go... Relaaaax.

Now smell this....   See!?    Not bad eh!?   Lilac.




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Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Your Friendly Neighborhood Satanists



Greetings, neighbor! Could we have a few moments of your time to discuss the word of the almighty Satan?

Wait! Wait! I know what you're thinking. "What do these creeps think they are doing in this nice Christian neighborhood? Trying to corrupt our young ones and damn this whole city to hell?" But rest assured, friend, we mean you no harm. If you can spare just five minutes I can explain the message of the Dark One and how it can enrich your life.

 Great! I promise I'll be brief. Please take this sample literature that helps to understand our message, it will make for very informative reading later on. Firstly, we at the Satanic Church are probably the most misunderstood group in the world and the victims of a terrible negative pr campaign that is being perpetrated by the various Christian religions the world over. But far from being a scourge of the earth we are actually very productive members of society and have a lot to offer a good person such as yourself. Do you mind if we come in? I see we have attracted a bit of a crowd on your porch. Thanks.

 Oh no, it won't be necessary to make coffee just for us. But thank you for your kindness! And might I add that judging by the picture on the mantle you have a lovely family! Now if you don't mind, I will go over some of the misunderstandings you might have about Satanists, and explain our basic principles. First, you may have heard some scary stories about how we meet at night under an inverted crucifix to molest and sacrifice pure, virginal children in the name of Satan. Well this practice has been totally blown out of proportion, and only happens in the most extreme situations that require particularly powerful offerings. In fact, I can't even remember the last time I had to spread the still-warm innards of a recently disemboweled toddler over my naked body. The truth is that we tend to manage our affairs very well and rarely end up in situations that require that kind of treatment. Besides, that kind of thing used to happen all the time in the early days of the bible. Just look at the willingness of Abraham to sacrifice his son Isaac, or the offering of Lot's daughters to protect the angel in Sodom! Both were very similar to the binding and ritualized murder of children that is practiced in Satanism. Actually, most of the truly "offensive" and "vile" practices in our church are derived from the teachings of the bible, and you no doubt know just how wholesome those stories are.

And while it is true that we engage in several weekly orgies of drugs, cannibalism, and sodomy, this too is the result of influence from Christian sects! You see, the Catholics imbibe wine and bread that are not just representative of the blood and body of Christ, but they believe actually transform INTO his flesh and blood.  We at the Church of Satan just prefer to put aside the childish make-believe and engage in the genuine article.

And finally, there is a very troubling myth that is being spread around that implies that Satanists are actively attempting to destroy society and lead the world toward armageddon. This, my friend, couldn't be farther from the truth. You see, we believe that the domain of earth is a playground for Satan's children, and we have a solemn duty to enjoy all of it's fruits to as much excess as the heart desires. So why would we try to bring on the downfall of our own bountiful wonderland? It makes no sense. But can you tell me who actually longs for the end of days, when the blessed ascend to paradise on a ridiculous white horse leaving the sinners to rot in an inferno on earth? That's right, it's the Christians again. That is really the only reason why they get along so well with the Jews, because their silly religion dictates that Israel must be an independent state in order for the end to begin. Can't you see that the only people that have a vested interest in the destruction of mankind are the ones who proclaim to love them so much? This is why I knocked on your door, dear neighbor, to offer you a paradise on earth so that you may begin your feast on the bounty before it is too late! Your misguided ways have kept you from the table of the Gods for too long, and we now offer you a salvation that begins not when you die, but RIGHT NOW!

Excellent. I knew you would come along once your eyes were opened. Just a few formalities to discuss now, such as the $75 monthly dues, which although are mandatory will be reimbursed with your allotment of sacraments, such as hallucinogens and dove blood, and a low one-time fee of $150 that will cover your dark robes to wear at the Church. Just take the money at your earliest convenience, soak it in the blood of a fresh wound and cast it in a fire. And yes, we will know if you have done this or not. We will be by after one cycle of the moon to take you to your first Church service. and oh yeah, bring your daughter... for stuff.



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Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Speech! Speech!

A hero's welcome!  A victory speech! Tree pooping!





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Monday, June 25, 2012

Masturbation Enthusiast Monthly vol. 9


Welcome to the latest installment of Masturbation Enthusiast Monthly, the one place you can proudly say that you jerk and spray! We have some great informative and entertaining articles for you today, with suggestions for how to handle being caught in the act, a reader's personal account of self-seduction, and as always a couple new methods in diff'rent strokes! So let's get started.



Tender Loving with Dr. Lance Tenderman

Everyone who is a regular reader of Masturbation Enthusiast Monthly knows that self-love is nothing to be ashamed of, but one cannot help being embarrassed when caught in the act by an uninvolved party. But I'm here to help as always, so I will go over a common situation with my sound professional advice.


The first scenario: A teenage boy is studying for an upcoming quiz, and need to rub a quick one out to relieve stress and focus on his textbooks. So the lights go low, some of his favorite pornography is on display, and he commences to stroking. Without a single knock the door swings open, but before he can even pull the covers up on the bed it is hastily shut again. He knows what has happened. His mother caught him masturbating.

 Now every mother is aware that their son masturbates, and she is should know not to open the door without knocking unless the house is on fire, so some shaming is in order. I suggest that instead of pretending nothing happened and struggling through awkward conversation for the next few days, you should not let your moment be ruined. Take control of the situation and give her what she apparently wanted. Using a webcam or digital camera, document your entire masturbation ritual in excruciating detail, from setup to cleanup. Put the whole thing on a usb flash drive labeled "your son pleasuring himself" and deliver it to her with the following message:

I understand that at your age you can be quite curious, and that is completely natural. And while my privacy is very important to me, so is your proper sexual development. So I have decided to give you exactly what you were seeking when you opened my bedroom door without knocking, and have documented the whole process for your observation. Perhaps once your curiosity has been satisfied you will understand why I never open your door without knocking, and I am certain you will have a renewed respect for my personal space. Thank you.

 I can assure you she will never look in your room again. In fact, she might not ever even look you in the eyes.  That my friends, is called respect.




How Masturbation Saved My Life

"I am a successful business man, and I am constantly traveling. But I used to have an overwhelming anxiety problem when flying that has really affected my opportunities, and I tried everything from drugs to breathing techniques to get over it. But I discovered the secret: masturbation. Back when I first got my current job I was required to take a particularly long flight, from Washington D.C (where I live) all the way to Los Angeles. I went to the bathroom in the terminal to 'get the fear out' after purchasing the newest hustler magazine at the news stand, but totally lost track of time. By the time I was washed up and ready I was horrified to learn that my flight had already left! I argued with the airline for a few hours to try to get another flight, but the next one wasn't until the next day, to I head home for the evening. When I got my car out of the lot and turned on the radio I was shocked... Flight 77 from D.C. to L.A. had crashed into the Pentagon minutes earlier, as well as several other tragedies that we all came to know as 9/11. To this day I always make sure to get a quick stroke session in before flying, almost in a superstitious ritual for save travel. Thanks to the editors at MEM for taking the shame out of masturbation. You just might be saving lives."

George Pearson, Wash DC





Diff'rent Strokes



Penile Beads

Many of the more sexually adventurous readers might already have experience with anal beads, and their ability to add a pleasurable stimulus to normal practices is legendary. So why not take that technology a little further? A set of smaller anal beads can easily be repurposed to be used as penile beads and are sure to please! Just make sure you use a generous application of water-based lubricant to ensure only minimal urethra tearing, and you won't be left wanting ever again!



The Pump Hump

The pursuit of personal pleasure has a rich history of utilizing everyday household items to enhance the solo love experience. And we are pretty sure just about everyone has a simple bicycle pump hidden away in the garage, so go get it ready! As long as you use a brand new pump needle and some personal restraint when pumping, it is entirely safe to add a new sensation as well as a little temporary girth! Don't be alarmed by the discoloration you experience, as it is totally natural and will fade in time.


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Sunday, June 24, 2012

Back In My Day.....

You Goddamned kids!  You've all got your roundabout excessive bullshit!  You little shits can't do anything simple anymore.  It's gotta be so sciencey and over-engineered.  I swear to Christ, if I see one more little bastard wearing super tight girl pants with a coif that took hours of styling just to look like a fucking mess, I am going to die of dehydration from my rage shits!  You youngin's just don't get it do you?  Well let me fucking explain it.

Back in my day, if we wanted to fuck an animal... We fucked it!  We didn't care about animal abuse or claims of bestiality.  We just got behind that critter and fucked the Goddamned shit out of it.

Fucking Sexy

Now comes along you fucking kids with your fuzzy animal suits and crazy plush-fueled sex parties.  So let me get this straight..... if you want to fuck a fox, you kids fuck another human dressed as a fox?  What fucking bullshit!  That is nothing like reality.  A human vagina does not nearly have the grip or shallow depth of a fox vagina.  Having sex with a real fox holds so many more erotic dangers.  You have to deal with the beast's gnashing teeth and razor claws.

Don't let yer babies grow up to be furries.

Back in my day, if you got out of a sexual encounter with a fox with half your penis, it was a good day.  You can't get herpes from a real fox!  You can get herpes from that chubby trailer trash with that fox ear head band and tail tied to her belt.  You ain't gettin no fox pregnant neither!  You just have to watch out for rabies, and that is only if you get bit.

Wanna Fuck??

If you want to fuck a person, fuck a person.  If you want to fuck and animal, fuck an animal.  If you want to fuck a person and an animal.  Then fucking do it.  It is easier to fuck an animal with another person holding it down anyway.  But if you want to fuck an animal and you fuck a person dressed as an animal, YOU ARE DOING IT WRONG!!


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Saturday, June 23, 2012

Execution Ingenuity

There are few things that inspire the creativity of man greater than torture and murder, and civilizations over time have struggled to combat the unending cruelty displayed by it's citizenry with equally terrible resolve, with varying results. The purpose of these acts have as much to do with preventing such offenses as they do with punishing criminals, as evidenced by the public forum that they are most commonly performed in. Tonight I will give a short list of five such punishments that I believe are particularly inventive and effective in spreading fear and horror among the condemned and beyond.







5.) The Five Pains: Not surprisingly, China has led the way historically in inhumane execution. They are the only civilization represented twice on this list and could easily fill a respectable torture and execution top ten on their own. The five pains method was invented in the Qin Dynasty by Li Si, an advisor to the emperor. It consisted of the severing of the nose, then one hand and one foot, followed by castration and then cutting the victim in two at the waist. Anyone executed by this method would live through the process until the final cut, making it particularly horrible. But justice has a way of finding the cruel no matter how well protected or powerful they are, and ultimately Li Si found himself on the receiving end of his creation in 208 B.C. after being convicted of treason.






4.) The Blood Eagle: And what list of brutality would be complete without a contribution by the Norse Vikings? Any culture that grants afterlife exclusively to those that died in violent battle is bound to inspire ingenious abuse methods, and the Vikings give us the blood eagle. This execution method was possibly the most labor intensive, require ing the executioner to detach the ribs at the spine then splay them outward, breaking them, then pulling out and flattening the lungs to appear like the bloodstained wings of a demon. And adding salt to the wound, salt was literally added to the wound. Now that's just plain mean. I imagine this must have required some artistic talent in the executioner to perform correctly, proving again that the best work is always done by those that love their job.






3.) The Colombian Necktie: This is the only execution method on the list that was devised in modern times, and where better than the heart of violent revolution in South America, Colombia? The earliest examples of this method being used trace it to the civil war known as La Violencia, which broke out in 1948. Aptly named, this act consists of the slashing of the victim's throat, after which the executioner would reach into the wound and pull the tongue out, leaving it to dangle between the collar bones like a gentlemanly necktie. Like all torturous techniques, the main objective would be to inspire fear in those that witnessed the act or found the victim's afterward rather than solely just for punishment of the victim. Although rarely practiced anymore, the brutality of the drug trade has accounted for a few occurrences in the last couple of decades. Here's hoping for a comeback.






2.) Lingchi: Better known as slow slicing, or the death by a thousand cuts, Lingchi was a public execution style that was designed to prolong death and cause as much pain as humanly possible. It is said that medical doctors of the time provided one thousand strips of paper that bore the names of different locations on the body, and the executioner would draw the strips out, one by one, until the victim died. While this sounds about as horrible a punishment as can be imagined, it appears (in true capitalist fashion) that there may have been a loophole for the rich that were condemned to suffer this act. If the family of the victim paid a sufficient bribe to the torturer then the first strip he pulled from the box would be for the throat, and they would be dispatched with the first cut. But that did not mean they escaped entirely, as the body would still suffer through a few dozen additional cuts before the whole thing ended. And similarly to The Five Pains mentioned above, the corpse of the condemned would be buried incomplete, ensuring that the spirit was separated from the body and denying them an afterlife.







1.) Scaphism: We have representation in this list from the Colombians, the Vikings, and twice from the Chinese, but there is one glaring party yet to attend this bloody party. Well rest assured, the number one spot belongs to the Persians. Scaphism was possibly the most horrible and inventive form of execution and torture ever devised, and is almost unknown in modern times. Known commonly as the boats, the victim was placed in the middle of two small boats, attached like a coffin with holes to allow the head and limbs to protrude, and then sent to the middle of a stagnant pond to bake in the sun. But the real bitch of this method was in the preparation. The victim was force fed copious amounts of milk and honey, then slathered in honey before being sealed inside the boats. This caused rampant and unending nausea and diarrhea and attracted hordes of flies and maggots to breed inside the coffin. Along with being baked alive, the victim was eaten from the inside out, often ending up with insects crawling out of the nose and mouth. From what I understand this is the punishment that we have lined up for Jerry Sandusky.



Well, there you have it folks. My short list of the worst ways to die that have ever been devised on earth. But the truly creative sadists out there should take this as a challenge, and maybe we can push the limits of advancements in death and dismemberment in the 21st century. My money is on the mexican cartels.



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Friday, June 22, 2012

Rory Cudgel's Urban Field Guide of Beasts and Critters

Rory Cudgel
Welcome animal lovers, welcome!  It's me, your old pal, Rory Cudgel.  Come on, you know me!  Rory!  Just last week you watched me poop off the back of a park bench.  Remember how I wiped myself off with that McDonald's burger wrapper?  Oh come on, you have to recall the grooming advice I gave you, nothing cures a scabby anus like McDonald's ketchup.

I see that you have proudly sat on my favorite bus stop bench.  Lucky for you that this bench has been  annexed as part of the campus of my Exclusive University!  This bus bench is the classroom and that dumpster is the cafeteria.  Today they are serving juicy ham slices!!!  You just need to pick the kitty litter off and then it's a fucking hammy gourmet feast!

Today you are going to learn about several different beasts and/or critters.  They had a free day at the zoo yesterday.  I love the zoo.  So many animals to study and all the popcorn I can pick up off the ground.  I prepared a learning scroll for you........  What do you mean you don't want it?  Now I know it looks like a filthy roll of toilet paper but it has written on it, a whole brain's worth of knowledge.  So.... take the scroll..... Take... It...... TAKE THE FUCKING SCROLL AND LEARN!!  That's better.  You don't want detention now do you?

Our first critter is the Feathered Squat Beast.  Long ago, there was a giant Turkey Dinosaur.  The Turkey Dinosaur ruled the prehistoric world.  The cavemen shook in fear when they heard it's gutteral call.. "GRAMAMAMAMEEGRAMEE!".  It ruled the prehistoric world, that is, until cavemen developed swords.  One day a baby caveman was gonna get eaten by the Turkey Dinosaur.  It's cave mama, in a bout of desperation, picked up a smashed tin can and affixed it to a smooth piece of wood.  The first sword was born!  The cave mama swung it's new invention at the Turkey Dinosaur and the Turkey Dino's head and neck flew clean off!

Now Dinos don't keep all of their brain inside of their heads.  They keep a pinch hidden inside their bottoms!  Fucked up right!?  So this Turkey Dino survived decapitation.  All the other Turkey Dinos were jealous of this Dino's classy new look.  They all wanted to have it too!  So all the Turkey Dinos lined up in front of the Caveman's cave and waited for their own turn at decapitation.  Eventually those fashion conscious Dinos had babies.  Those babies were born with their heads growing out of their asses and poop flying out their neck cavities.  A new species, The Feathered Squat Beast was born!!

Feathered Squat Beast

Next up, we have one of my favorite critters, the Saggy Tit-Back.  The Saggy Tit Back has these two huge, honkin tits hangin off of it's fucking back!  It is super erotic.  Every year, on free zoo day, I try to hide in the bushes or up in a tree until the zoo closes.  My goal is to sneak into the Saggy Tit-Back's enclosure and get me some of them huge, sexy tits!  Every fucking year they catch me and throw me out.  This year I got closer than I have ever gotten before.

I waited until sundown and descended from my secret perch.  I made a mad sprint for the Tit-Back's cage and leaped onto the fence.  I climbed and climbed and once I made it to the top, I jumped!  I almost cleared the trench that surrounds the Tit-Back's enclosure.  Those trench walls are mighty steep.  I was soooo close!!  So I had to spend the night, naked in a trench.  ..... Did I mention I was naked?  Well, I was.  I could hear the Tit-Back taunting me from above.  It was sarcastically asking me if I wanted to squeeze it's fat tits.  I love that beast just as much as I fucking hate it. 

So this morning the zoo keepers find me down there.  I was covered head to toe in Tit-Back shit.     Hmmmm?  .....  Yes, that is that smell..  Thank you for noticing...  So the zoo keepers lower down a rope and I climb up.  The second I was up I started running.  The zoo keepers and a couple security guards chased me, but they could not catch me.  It's a little known fact that being covered in shit increases your aerodynamics.  I was like a poop rocket!!

Saggy Tit-Back

Speaking of poop, I also saw this.  A Walking Poop.  It is a very interesting creature.  Did you know that 1 in a million poops is a Walking Poop?  ..... You didn't?  Well it fucking is!  They are chock full of corn, peanuts and magic!  So be sure to handle each of your bowel movements thoroughly to ensure that it is not a Walking Poop. 

If you are lucky enough to have birthed one of the beasts, you can sell it for big bucks at any pet store.  I'm not too good at identifying them and it kinda annoys the guys at Petsmart.  I am always bringing in my possible pets for identification and they always chase me out with a hose.  One day I'll have a real Walking Poop and they will welcome me into the Petsmart like a fucking God!!

Walking Poop

Well, I see that you are very pregnant and I fucking hate babies, so I'm gonna leave before that thing falls out of you....   There will be a test tomorrow.  I will be waiting for you right here.  You better show up to class, I've followed you home before and I will do home schooling, but I prefer my classroom.  Class dismissed!!


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Thursday, June 21, 2012

Films For Fiends- Guinea Pig: The Devil's Experiment



Welcome one and all to another installment of Films For Fiends, where I, Hamtackle, review the most foul, violent, and disturbing films of all time. Tonight I bring you Guinea Pig: The Devil's Experiment by Satoru Ogura. This is a somewhat legendary film that was released in 1985, and it was rumored to be a re-enactment of a snuff film that was sent to the director. He apparently watched it before sending it to the Tokyo police, but it dominated his thoughts until he reproduced it for our viewing pleasure. It consists of very little plot and a whole lot of brutal torture, and gave rise to the term "gorno". So let's see if it's worth a violence boner.


The film is only 43 minutes long, and centers around a group of three guys who decide to carry out a horrible experiment. They will capture a random woman and torture her until she decides to accept death, then send the results to the police. Charming, I know. It is all shot very amateurish to add to it's authenticity, and begins with a clean-cut lady tied to a chair being slapped repeatedly by her captors. They dip their hands in water and coat them in salt for further brutal effect, and beat her mercilessly with a coin-filled sock. The only saving grace to the disturbing scene is that it is clearly fake, and the woman takes the beating like a champ.


I imagine this might be where most real women would check out in real life, but this tough gal endures a three man texas-style boot party followed by a thorough pinching administered by pliers without appearing very impressed. The thugs take her toughness as a challenge, but again fail to break her when they inexplicably decide to spin her in an office chair to the point of unconsciousness, then force feed her liquor. Not much of a torture if you ask me. I did this same thing to myself two weeks ago.


Moving on to psychological torture, the men play computerized static to her through headphones for twenty hours until she screams like a banshee then appears to go comatose. But still she persists. It is at this point that they ratchet up the violence, tearing out patches of her hair and peeling away her fingernails. For me it would be at this point that I request a bullet, but not her. I am starting to like this lady.


Now the men liberally apply scalding cooking oil to her tender bits, starting with the inside flesh of her arms, to sizzling effect. Cue the maggots. The foul worms are applied to her burns and go to town on the necrotic flesh, although the girl seems too out of it to properly digest the horror of the situation. Strangely, the captors then decide to giggle like retards while they throw rotting meat at their prisoner. Entertaining? Yes. Torture? No.


But then the trio begins to truly test her bounds. They cut her hands with a scalpel and batter them with a hammer in what is actually a pretty convincing special effect, and then shove a needle through the side of her head and out her retina. Talk about escalating the situation. The film ends rather abruptly with a shot of the dead woman suspended in some kind of net.


So overall, how was it? I spent most of this film wondering what all the fuss was about. The majority of the torture is rather mundane and not particularly disturbing, but the ambiance and tone of it is quite menacing and downright mean. But the gouging of the eye was definitely cringe-worthy, even for someone as desensitized as myself. Overall I felt like I was cheated out of the gruesome promises the film made on the internet, probably mostly due to the acting of the victim. I am a big fan of japanese gore films, and they are generally much more inventive and unconventional than american slasher flicks, but the stoic submissiveness of the japanese woman lends itself better to pornography than torture, I guess. At least it avoids the transparently dishonest attempt at redeeming morality that tarnishes films like Cannibal Holocaust, although it is more likely to lull a gore-hound to sleep than inspire frantic masturbation. But I understand there are like six other brutal short films in the Guinea Pig franchise, so perhaps they will still live up to my expectations, assuming I can track them down. Until then, my blood lust will be left wanting.



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Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Terlet Has a Big Fat Gut

Hello friends and loyal readers.  It's your old pal Terlet.  This is going to be a bit of an abnormal post today. 

About a month and a half ago, I went to my doctor and got a physical.  I have been going to this same doctor for about 20 years and he is a pretty nice guy.  During my physical, he told me that my back hurts because I am fat and I have high blood pressure, because I am fat and that I am almost diabetic, because I am fat.  When they needled me and pulled some blood, it instantly separated into blood and bacon grease.

I told my friendly doctor that I was serious about getting rid of my gut and that I would get into better shape before our follow up appointment 2 months later.  Since then, I have done nothing.  My completely sedentary, bacon fueled lifestyle has continued unabated.

I just realized that in 2 weeks I am do for that follow up appointment.  Aw shit!  My doctor and I are comfortable with each other and he would not hesitate to voice his disappointment over the status of my jiggly gut and man-tits. 

I don't feel like getting a guilt trip from my doctor and I actually would like to get in better shape.  So today I decided to start working out.  I have the INSANITY workout DVDs.  I am going to go into my living room in a moment and pop on the first DVD.  Once complete, I will come back and finish this post.  If this is posted without any day 1 workout results, it is because I fucking died while exercising.

Alright.... Here I go.  This is gonna suck.  Let's see how I do!!



30 minutes later......



Ow.  Ow ow ow.  I was right!  I am out of shape.  I got through about 3/4 of the first disc.  It was painful.  I am out there hopping around like an idiot with my dog jumping all over me.  I am very sweaty.  So sweaty, hot and stinky.  Leg pain.  oooooooooh LEG PAIN!!

Let's see if I can keep it up or if this is only a 1 time thing.  I need to pop on disc 2 tomorrow.  It might happen..... might.  ow.

Now that I am all sweaty, I pretty much look like this guy.

Sweaty

Thanks for putting up with this lame, self centered post.  I promise I will make up for it eventually with something truly disgusting and perverse.  Smooches -Terlet
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Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Terlet Has An Inverted Penis


Any regular reader would notice that yesterday I suffered an unprovoked attack of homophobic poetry penned by my dear colleague Terlet.  Not one to take such an offense lying down I decided to respond in kind.  So I give you this post in the spirit of mutually assured destruction, perhaps with a heightened level of homophobia and distaste.  Enjoy.


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Terlet has an inverted penis
Like a button applied by a seamstress
From ten paces you'd say
It must have rotted away
And until now it's been a secret between us



Terlet is secretly gay
His ass is on frequent display
He considers your meat
A delectable treat
And he's eager to spread for some pay



Terlet is crippled and queer
He's unhappy without feces to smear
His left leg is lame
But his asshole is game
And as a bottom his sex has no peer



Terlet thinks cocks are sublime
His mouth can take two at a time
He would never protest
A request to molest
And he'll swallow your load for a dime



Terlet submits to gay men
Nightly he services ten
He's quite proud to say
That no cock's turned away
And he keeps deepthroating until you say "when"



Terlet is fueled by cum
It's inserted by way of his bum
And when he runs low
His feet move quite slow
So he plugs up his drip with his thumb



Terlet is dying of aids
His friends watch as he steadily fades
Through gay sex it was caught
And now he's destined to rot
And his lesions are scattered in spades



Terlet has an insatiable anus
He finds the most aggressive act to be painless
But once you beat your meat
Make a hasty retreat
Because his requests for more sex are quite shameless




Terlet



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Monday, June 18, 2012

Hamtackle Has A Sweet Mouth

The following is some heartfelt poetry that I crafted for my dear friend and website co-founder, Hamtackle. 

Smooches -Terlet


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Hamtackle has a sweet mouth
It is always willing to go south
It wiggles and tickles the tips of your nipples
Hamtackle has a sweet mouth.

Hamtackle has some soft hands
They will gently unbutton your pants
They wrangle and ride the lumps of your thighs
Hamtackle has some soft hands

Hamtackle has some bright eyes
They will look at you in surprise
When you take out your meat he will think it is neat
Hamtackle has some bright eyes

Hamtackle has super plump lips
Perfect for rubbing on tips
His jaw opens wide and invites you inside
Hamtackle has super plump lips.

Hamtackle has womanly breasts
They hang pleasantly on his chest
If it weren't for the hair I'd be all up in there
Hamtackle has womanly breasts

Hamtackle has silky butt cheeks
They constantly whistle and squeak
If you look deep inside a rodent you'll find
Hamtackle has silky butt cheeks

Hamtackle is a great man
He is handsome, buff and he's tan
If you show him your cock, he'll bite it right off
Hamtackle is a great man


Hamtackle



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Sunday, June 17, 2012

I Be Fukkin' Girl (straight fukkin')

This is what happens when you drink a lot of booze and just want to record some audio.... Any audio.  Maybe we should have adjusted the levels... Maybe we should have written down lyrics.  Maybe maybe maybe.  Straight Fukkin'.










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Saturday, June 16, 2012

Connect The Dots: Adult Edition

Every once in a while we at Popular Irony like to give our readers some fun activities to break up all the rampant boredom in our daily lives.  Today we offer these titillating and challenging connect-the-dots puzzles of pornographic images.  Can you guess what's going on in the pictures?  It is all a mystery until you connect all the dots!

Boy, this one is really tricky.  I'm pretty sure this fine young lady is making the bed, and her boyfriend is approaching to give her a hand.  Is there anything else going on?  Connect the dots to find out!






This pretty lady must be enjoying some delicious icecream.  But what flavor is her favorite?  The only way to find out is to complete the puzzle!






These two friends are having a great time wrestling, but who is winning?  If you connect the dots you can see which guy has the "upper hand".






This lovely lady looks a little distressed.  Can you tell why?  Complete the puzzle to solve this mystery!


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Friday, June 15, 2012

Scum City Avengers - Where Am I?



Hi everybody.  Yeah it's me.... Terlet.  Well, here is another rockin' song from the Scum City Avengers.  I received one piece of fan mail for my previous SCA post.

_____________________

Anytime I see if any of your posts contain music from the Scum Shitty Avengers I immediately disregard it and reread Hamtackle's previous post.

_____________________


Isn't that sweet?  Thanks for the comment.  Keep that mail comin' folks!!

This song was written about a great man and phenomenal tattoo artist.  He used to be able to drink better than anyone else!  - Where Am I?





http://dansvillefitnessclub.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/04/fr3.jpg

Thursday, June 14, 2012

I Think My Cat Is A Whore


She was constantly begging to go outside, and disappeared for hours. Upon her return her fur is disheveled, she walks funny, and I hear the not-so-distant wails of unfulfilled strays calling for her. I think my cat is a whore.

So I stopped letting her go out and started shooing away the strays that assemble outside my back door, but her personality changed overnight. She was getting rather aggressive with me, and I could tell she wasn't very happy with her enforced imprisonment in the house. Her behavior worsened until I made a disturbing discovery that shed some light on the situation. I found four empty bags of catnip tucked under her kitty bed.

I was unsure how to handle this problem without provoking her, and her emotional state was becoming unpredictable to put it mildly. When I returned home from work one night I found a fresh shit on the center of my bed and a decapitated mouse in the bathroom. I can only assume it was a warning. So I let her outside.

She was gone for two straight days and I was certain I had lost her. But late one night I heard some moaning out of the bedroom window. She had returned, but was desperately hungry and downright filthy. Her fur was now matted in what I imagine was the dried semen of dozens of tomcats, and she appeared to have some sort of eye infection. Thank goodness I had her fixed years ago. I don't think our relationship could have survived if she brought a litter of nip-babies into this world. It was then that I decided to get control of the situation in anyway possible.

I have reinstated the harsh imprisonment terms, at least until I can trust her again. And in a last ditch effort to keep her demeanor manageable and prevent frequent escape attempts, I caved in and decided to feed her addiction. I currently give her servings of catnip twice per day, but with a slightly reduced quantity each week. By my calculations I will have weaned her off the nip within two months. It terrifies me to think how long she has been on this shit, and I feel guilty that I was so blind. I could have saved her so many hasty back-alley penetrations if only I had known sooner...


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Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Star Wars Creature Cantina - Han Solo Slaps A Bitch

A vintage Star Wars toy commercial is sullied by vulgarity.  Enjoy.





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Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Bromance

Two men, close friends, and a sexy secret.






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Monday, June 11, 2012

Dilly Tinkle Dum



Dilly Tinkle Dum was a Fairy.  A wonderfully plump and happy Fairy.  Dilly Tinkle Dum had a happy life with his happy little Fairy family.  Everything was simply wonderful in Dilly Tinkle Dum’s life until he made a silly mistake.

One day Dilly Tinkle Dum finished work early at Wispy Puffs Tickle Factory.  Dilly Tickle Dum was great at making tickles.  His manager, Papa Grumblehuff was so proud of Dilly’s work, that he took him to Madame Toadstool’s Drink Garden and treated him to several large thimbles full of flower water.  Dilly Tinkle Dum does not drink flower water very often, so he was no used to its silly, intoxicating affects.  

After several hours of laughing with Papa Grumblehuff, Dilly Tinkle Dum climbed onto the back of his adorable field mouse and started to make the journey home.  Dilly knew he had to drive carefully, that flower water was making his head silly and fuzzy.  Dilly was only 2 flower patches away from his house when something terrible happened.

Dilly Tinkle Dum, his head swimming with flower water, fell asleep while riding his adorable field mouse.  The adorable field mouse, with nobody to steer it, drifted off the well used mouse trail and right into Granny Sweetcandy’s preschool playground.  

The playground has a fence made of sturdy twigs to keep the pedo-goblins from accessing the cutey pie Fairy kids.  The fence would be the Fairy kids undoing that day.  Dilly Tinkle Dum’s adorable field mouse, traveling at a dangerous speed, busted through the playground gate, collapsing it at the peak of recess.  

The tiny, fleeing Fairies were no match for the uncontrolled girth of the adorable field mouse.  Tiny angelic Fairy child after tiny angelic Fairy was ruthlessly trampled by the out of control adorable field mouse.  Fairy children rushed to the walls, fruitlessly tried to scramble up their protective fence to safety.  The ricocheting adorable field mouse bounced from wall to wall, mashing the tiny Fairies into a sweet scented, pink, sparkly paste.  At some point during the carnage, Dilly Tinkle Dum was ejected from his furry conveyance.  With his unconscious foot no longer pushing the adorable field mouse forward, it slowly coasted to a fuzzy, adorable stop.

Dilly Tinkle Dum awoke to the sounds of panic screams and inconsolable crying.  Every Fairy child from across the enchanted kingdom attended Granny Sweetcandy’s school.  The loss of life was staggering. 

Fairy parents were only capable of gathering enough magic to make in their lifetimes to make one Fairy baby each.  With all the Fairy children crushed or maimed, the Fairy population became extinct within three generations.  Drinking and driving is the reason that magic has faded from our realm.  If you drink and drive, you fucking hate magic.

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Sunday, June 10, 2012

Films For Fiends: Cannibal Holocaust




Cannibal Holocaust is an italian horror film directed by Ruggero Deodato that was the center of much controversy when it was released in 1980 due to it's horrifically graphic portrayal of tribal violence and sexual torture. This is one of the first films to use the "found footage" concept to add realism, and is clearly had influence on later work like The Blair Witch Project. Apparently many thought the effects to be so realistic that they believed the film to be an actual documentary, which makes no sense as it is full of shitty acting and is clearly fictional. But this did not quell the controversy, and the film was widely banned amidst rumors that some of the actors were actually murdered on film to add to it's authenticity, and the film's producer was arrested on obscenity charges.

The plot centers around a group of American filmmakers that descend into the jungles of the amazon in search of indigenous tribal people that have been segregated from modern society. They predictably don't return, and an adventurous anthropologist takes up the task of hunting them down to determine their fate. Aided by a group of paramilitary guerrillas, the doctor is led into the heart of the jungle where he witnesses savage acts being performed by the cannibals.

They first discover a female being raped with huge wooden dildo before having her vagina packed with mud and bludgeoned to death. The jungle guides explain this is "an adultery punishment ritual", which seems pretty unlikely. Another dead giveaway to the fictional nature of this film is the absence of armpit hair and the well-manicured pubic hair of the "native" women, but then again morons never let logic get in the way of a good urban legend.

As the group encounters the tribal population they dazzle them with such modern technology as switchblade knives, guns, and music from a cassette player, and are pressured to join them in feasting on the liver of a long decomposed human corpse. They are able to get in the good graces of the natives and manage to recover the film record of the lost documentarians and return to modern society where they review the footage.

The lost footage shows routine horseplay as well as a gruesome scene of the group dismembering and eating a giant live turtle. As with all of these shock horror movies from the '70s and '80s the killing of live animals (including a later scene of a monkey being decapitated) is always the most disturbing aspect of the gore, and could never be done today without widespread outrage.

Things turn south for the group after their guide is bitten by a poisonous snake, prompting the group to hastily amputate his leg, killing him. When the group first encounters the tribal people, they shoot one of them in an attempt to slow him down and follow him to the larger population, setting off a chain of events that seals their fates. The dark side of the documentarians is revealed, and they strangely decide to kill as many of the natives as possible by lighting their huts on fire. Why they do this is never quite explained, and makes no sense since they continue filming it and apparently still plan on releasing this film on their return.

The doctor that retrieved the film becomes distraught when watching it, and becomes reluctant to release the footage publicly due to the atrocities being committed, and worries that the natives will be judged harshly for their cannibalism despite being provoked to violence by the ignorant outsiders. In an effort to convince his employers to never release the film, he shows them the worst footage in which the group captures and takes turn raping a young tribal girl, then impaling her on a huge wooden pole. In another ridiculous moment, the group pretends the woman was killed by her fellow tribespeople despite having just filmed themselves raping her.

At this time the tribe descends on them, killing their cameraman with a spear and cutting off his genitals. For some inexplicable reason the survivors decide to stick around and film as he is dismembered and eaten, and somehow are not discovered just feet away in the bushes. When they try to flee the female is captured and raped (of course the cameraman again decides to remain behind to film it), and they are all beaten to death and eaten. The doctor is successful in convincing his employers to never release the footage, and the film ends with him lamenting "I wonder who the REAL cannibals are..." How poetic.

I must say that this film was comically bad. The producers ignore countless continuity errors, the acting is some of the worst I have ever seen (especially the female documentarian, who seems incapable of delivering her lines without retarded facial contortions), and they try to deny their own blatant racism in the depiction of the natives by revealing at the end that they were provoked to violence by the inhumanity of the western invaders. The real inhumanity displayed here is by the producers themselves, as they kill about a half dozen live animals (a small rodent, a pig, snake, turtle and a monkey) simply for shock value. At least most of the other films I have reviewed were good for a laugh, I spent most of the time while viewing Cannibal Holocaust just waiting for it to be over. It seems like the whole thing was just an excuse to show simulated rape. If that kind of thing is your bag, then go for it. Personally, I deleted this from my hard drive immediately after watching it, not out of shock, but out of disinterest.



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Saturday, June 9, 2012

The Shrinky Dinklage Effect

Holy shit!  I got these kick-ass Shrinky Dink printer sheets so I could make some refrigerator magnets of my favorite actor, Hugh Laurie, to commemorate the end of the House MD television series, and I stumbled on a very strange phenomenon....



Here we see the original promotional photo of the cast of the show.  Note the normal proportions of House compared to the rest of the cast.  All I did was print the pic onto one of the sheets and pop it into the preheated oven.


But after shrinking the sheet he has transformed into beloved little person character actor Peter Dinklage!  There must be some kind of cosmic link between the two actors.  I guess they do kind of look alike, too.


Lets try another image.  Here is Laurie in another one of his iconic roles, as the Prince Regent in the british television series Blackadder.  I hope this one comes out okay...


What the fuck!  It did it again!  This doesn't make any sense.  The wig isn't even on correctly! I think I might be going crazy or something.


Alright, one more try.  I love this pic of Hugh Laurie tipping his bowler hat.  He is so dreamy!  I'm gonna use this magnet to hold up my kid's shitty artwork and add a little class to the kitchen.


For the love of all that is good and holy!  How the hell did it change to a shirtless shot of a drunken Peter Dinklage?  I am at a loss for words.  I must give a name to this strange paranormal phenomenon...  I will call it the Shrinky Dinklage Effect!



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Friday, June 8, 2012

Extreme Close-Up

Welcome, one and all to Extreme Close-Up!  We take a look at common things in an uncommon way.  The Extreme Close-Up way!  I wonder what there is to see today.  Let's Zoom In!


First up is .... Well this isn't very close up. Those look like delicious Maryland Blue Crabs.  Hmmmm...  I wonder what we have zoomed in on?  A fisherman's boat?  A rocky ocean reef?  A Fishmonger's stall?  Let's Zoom Out!




Oh I get it!  Kim Kardashian.  Is anyone really surprised?




Next we have.....  Well this doesn't look very close-up either.  I thought this was supposed to be Extreme Close-Up.  It looks like somebody spilled some fondue and is enjoying cleaning it up.  What microcosm is this?!  Let's Zoom Out!




 Ha! Germany...  On that scale, I suppose it is an Extreme Close-Up.  I guess Germans really love their chocolate or something.




 What have we here?  A microscopic snapshot from a laboratory?  Are these little fellas making the epic journey down the birth canal?  Could it be a close-up of any Holiday Inn bedsheets?  Let's Zoom Out!




That is not really a gay joke, more a fact joke.  Allegedly!!


Allegedly!

Wasn't that fun!  Keep your eyes peeled for the next edition of Extreme Close-Up!


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