Friday, June 1, 2012

Zombie Apocalypse or Clever Firearms Advertising?

In the last week there have been four news stories that elude to a possible upcoming zombie outbreak. They have all the hallmarks of classic zombie symptoms, horrific self abuse, murder, and cannibalism. Now we are all used to these kinds of situations occurring in fucked up places like Russia, where the harsh siberian winters lead dozens of people to desperate acts of cannibalism each year, or North Korea where the government withholds food aid from the starving masses, but these stories all happened in NORTH AMERICA. Make no mistake about it, a lot of fucked up shit happens in the developed world, but we rarely see crimes like these. So I ask myself... is this really the beginning of the end, or just a devious plot by the firearms industry to convince me to start stockpiling ammunition? Both Terlet and I are well-armed, responsible gun owners that are reasonably prepared for the possibility of an undead invasion, but I must admit that I feel the need to make a trip to my local arms dealer to spend all my disposable income before it becomes worthless and I have to barricade myself in a WalMart or something. Let's review the evidence:

You're welcome.
I'm sure you have all seen the recent story about the face-eater down in Miami, but I will refresh your memory. A 31 year old man approached a homeless guy near a bridge and savagely attacked him, beating him and then gnawing over 75% of his face off. The attack lasted for over 18 minutes and was partially captured by a surveillance camera. When a police officer drew his weapon on the attacker the man "growled like a wild animal" and continued eating his victim's face. The officer shot the man dead at the scene. No word on whether the victim has risen from the grave as of yet. The police believe the man was under the influence of bath salts, a designer drug that turns people into incoherent babbling madmen, but that sounds like a cover-up to me.

Least intimidating zombie ever.
The phenomenon has even impacted Canada, the most friendly and unnecessarily apologetic country on earth! A 29 year old gay porn actor is on the loose after mailing the body parts of a chinese student to media outlets. The man was apparently under investigation for making films of torturing and killing cats, but quickly upgraded to people. I have seen the film, where the man repeatedly stabs his bound victim with an icepick before dismembering him, buggering his corpse, then cutting flesh off his ass and eating it. I know what you are thinking... "Why the fuck would you watch that shit, Hamtackle?" To that I have only one response: Know thy enemy.

Rare non-caucasian cannibal murderer
And another case recently arose in Baltimore, where a 21 year old kenyan college student admitted to murdering his roommate and eating his heart and brain. This is after the suspect's own brother notified police that he found human remains in the trash at the apartment, which was not entirely unexpected since the suspect was out on bail following his arrest after beating a man with a baseball bat so severely that the victim lost an eye. This guy is currently in police custody, although they still haven't been able to determine a motive for the murder. Maybe the motive was simply... HUNGER!

Marginally effective police-deterrent when thrown
And finally we have an awesome story, albeit a bit lacking in detail at this time. In Hackensack, NJ police responded to a call that stated that a 43 year old man was about to harm himself. When they arrived and confronted the man he responded by viciously stabbing himself in the torso with a 12 inch kitchen knife so severely that his intestines poured out. Now that doesn't sound like it was necessarily zombie-like behavior, right? Well, he then proceeded to tear off chunks of his own intestines AND THROW THEM at the officers. That's right, he literally threw his guts at the police. The man was delivered to the hospital after being apprehended and is currently recovering. Police stated that the man had a history of mental illness. No fucking shit. Or maybe he is just the latest in a clear string of micro zombie outbreaks?

I sure hope so. I would love the complete lack of social and legal rule, and having absolutely no responsibilities except my personal survival would be exhilarating. So who knows, maybe in a few short weeks I will get a chance to meet a few of our faithful readers. I will try not to shoot you unless you are clearly a zombie, but you know... no promises.


1 comment:

  1. A debt of gratitude is in order for this article extremely supportive. much obliged.