Music by Kevin MacLeod http://incompetech.com/music/royalty-free/
Malpractice at its finest.
|Welcome home, Daddy!|
Edit: I took a nap and I feel better. Never mind!
Welcome one and all to the first annual Popular Irony Beauty Contest, sponsored by Felcher's Facials! It's the ONLY skin creme product that comes in a high-quality reusable container: "Felcher's Facials... itsthefacialinaflask!
1.) Our first contestant hails from the fatherland, Germany. His name is Hans Grybbler and his blend of infectious charisma and ruthless efficiency will make him the "final solution" to your loneliness!
2.) Contestant number two is a beach-going beauty that prides himself on his hygiene and personal musk. Say He-llo to this resident of Louisiana, Eugene "The 'Stache" Jacobson!
3.) And who can resist the calling gaze of this Wisconsin damsel? A woman of many talents, Bertha "The Burger Whisperer" Hamish spends her days hand-milking dairy cows, and her nights breaking hearts as a line dancing instructor. Ooh-La-La!
4.) Wendy Smittens wants to warm your bed with her giant, feminine feet during the cold Detroit nights! Her all-natural beauty could take the contest by storm, so batten down the hatches, matey!
I own several ancient artifacts, remnants of creatures long dead to remind me of the futility of life. I decided to share some of these things with you today, mostly because I am creatively impotent and cannot think of a single fucking thing to write about today. The pictures are poorly lit and out of focus. Enjoy them!
Invertebrates of the sea, the most common of fossils. Here is a fossilized clam (giggidy), a nautilus, and a trilobite. They represent the bottom of the food chain of their time, like hillbillies of the vast oceans.
This beautiful phallus is a petrified sperm whale's tooth. It measures about six inches long and is rock hard. Just like me.
Here I have an ancient piece of walrus ivory, the vampire sow of the north. Did you know a walrus has a bone in it's dick? Fact.
Now we move into the crown jewels of my fossil collection, coprolites. To the non-fecophiles among us, this is petrified shit. This one is cut and polished dinosaur poop, from some unidentified herbivore. I bet it tastes like pudding.
This is a random piece of mammal shit. Just imagine the steaming orifice that pushed this baby out all those years ago. The color is amazing, looking good enough to eat.
This is a hardened ball of shit from some plains-dwelling herd animal of North America. This one is strange because it is incredibly dense and to the touch it seems to be made of some kind of lightweight metal. Fascinating.
And the final piece in my collection, pride of my many shits, is this grizzled dandy. This fine specimen was gifted to me by none other than Mr. and Mrs. Terlet when they were traveling through the desert on one of their many adventures. Where most of my turds were preserved in wet or temperate climates, this one bears all the marking of desert life. I sure hope the rigid barbs of concrete pain weren't there when the poor bastard squeezed it out. We are not sure the origin of this poop, but judging by the familiar shape I can only hope it was human.
|It's all in your head|
Let's all take a moment to appreciate how fucking retarded scientology is. It is based on a book written by a person who was a well-known fiction author, throws around terms like "gazillion" when talking about the timeframe of human history, and centers around a cash for righteousness scheme that doesn't even try to pretend to be legitimate. And it pisses me off that they use the word "science" in their name. Cocksuckers.
And we shouldn't neglect the mormons here, as long as we're talking about shameless horseshit religions. With these assholes you get racism ingrained in their ethos (black people weren't humans according to mormons until like the '70s or some shit), posthumous involuntary baptism, and incentives for excessive breeding (your children will serve you in the afterlife on your own personal planet! Provided you are a white male, of course.) But scientology and mormonism both share one characteristic that separates them from most other religions: it is okay to make fun of them.
Think about it. Even the most devout christian has no problem laughing at the absurdity of Tom Cruise, and we now have an entire broadway show that pokes fun at the mormons! Can you imagine if The Book of Mormon was about the Qur'an? Do you think it would finish opening night without a body count? And good luck criticizing anything christian in this country without starting a protest complete with misspelled homemade signs, since nothing screams "persecution" like an 80% majority in population.
But the ridicule of mormons and scientologists is beginning to piss me off. Not because they aren't entirely deserving of the scrutiny and ire, but because the only ones that should be speaking up are those minority of Americans that spread their dismissal of religion evenly. The atheists. Because anyone that believes that every animal on earth fit onto a fucking boat is not equipped to argue about the absurdity of a garden of eden being located in Missouri.
And please don't misunderstand me, I am not trying to push an atheist agenda here. There is no need to, since the accessibility of information should kill off the memory of a creator on it's own in time, provided we don't enter another cultural dark age. Actually I encourage people to wear their faith on their sleeve, since it is a useful cue to some of us to disregard everything they say. It is just frustrating to share space on the religion-bashing bandwagon with people that believe in the talking snake. From outside the dogma bubble it looks so much like a eunuch in the locker room, laughing at how small everybody's penis is.
5.) Birthday Gift Absolution: Give Mom a gift of future savings by telling her "don't worry" about your next birthday. Think about it. She always spends countless hours and dollars planning something extremely thoughtful and appropriate, something that fulfills a need of yours that demonstrates how selfless she is and how much she loves you. How nice would it be to not have to burden yourself with that bullshit next time around? There is literally no downside if you consider that this gift is totally free, AND her guilt will no doubt lead her to buy you a sweet b-day gift anyways!
4.) Low profile personal defense stun gun: What better way to remind Mom that we live in a cruel, unforgiving world that could end any day with a brutal assault and rape? This stun gun is built to resemble a cell phone to deter all but the most determined sadists and psychopaths, and keeps defense at her fingertips anywhere to go. So for only a small charge you can show her that at the very least you don't want her to wind up bloody and violated in an inner-city alleyway.
3.) Female-adapted portable john: Let's face it. Mom isn't getting any younger, and sometimes she is missing out on life's most interesting moments by spending them in long lines at the movies, in restaurants, or at the stadium. Well this little product will show her how much you care by giving the gift of independence. Small enough to fit in her purse, and with an attractive and feminine design, she will feel comfortable using it almost anywhere. And for the frugal Mom, a simple rinse in the sink will allow for reusability in the short term, and the entire unit is dishwasher-safe.
2.) Sturdy jumbo cleaning tote: Remind Mom that she has "got it maid" by helping her get organized for one of her favorite daily activities. Big enough to fit supplies for cleaning a number of domestic living spaces, you are sure to see her eyes light up when she opens this gift for mother's day. Nothing makes Mom feel more needed than a filthy mess made by one of her children, so make sure to leave her plenty or opportunities to use her new tote when you visit next week.
1.) Waterproof personal massager: Being a Mom is one of the most stressful occupations in the world, and you will find very few people to dispute the fact. While searching for relaxing gifts for women one theme kept coming up. Personal massage devices. This one is an affordable, quality design that is sure to give her the ultimate "stress relief" that money can buy. It's also waterproof, so she can use it in the... bathroom, I guess. And this model's unique design is sure to reach even the most inaccessible sore muscle, and it's touted as "whisper quiet", ensuring that even if she uses it in bed it won't wake up Dad!