Discount Amateur Surgery - Episode 12

Hamtackle finally achieves climax... with the double kidney surgery.  A near fail to a win.  About F'ing time.  It's Surgeon Simulator 2013, done right...... Drunk.

Music by Kevin MacLeod  http://incompetech.com/music/royalty-free/

Malpractice at its finest.



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Diary of a Degenerate 36

The end of the line.  It was a place you didn’t want to visit, especially half-naked and covered in blood and sweat.  Luckily it was bearable through the fog of liquor.  I pretended I didn’t see the lights screaming at me through the rear view as I pulled another deep drink from the bottle.  I still had some shots left in the six shooter, but honestly it would probably end up in my mouth before it was turned on the federales.

*Bump.  The cop car was losing patience as it brushed up against my tail.  I couldn’t feign ignorance anymore.  Fuck this country.  Fuck my life.  And fuck this goddamn sun.  I pulled over to the shoulder and watched as the cop calmly exited his vehicle, shotgun in hand.  He screamed something spanish at me, then immediately followed with some indecipherable broken english.  As a full time drunk with pullover experience,  I presumed he wanted me to put my hands on the steering wheel, so I did.  The left hand was torn to pieces.  At some point I had put a sock over it as a bandage, but didn’t remember doing it.  Thank god for booze.

I could only imagine his reaction as he looked through the window at me, a gringo covered in blood with a sock on one hand and a bottle of tequila in the other.  “ID!” he shouted.  Almost out of reflex I dropped the bottle and reached into the plastic bag at my feet and grabbed a handful of US currency, then tossed it out the window like bloodstained confetti.  Then I lurched forward and got back on the road, fully expecting a pump-action load to punch me in the occipital lobe.  It was a few moments before I looked in the mirror and saw the cop frantically chasing down airborne $100’s.

Now what?  It seemed unlikely that I would ever find a calm place to hang out for a while, but more importantly, what was my long game?  I gave up on happiness back when I ditched Vanessa’s corpse, and all I had left was the booze.  Then I saw the lights again.

The cop was back.  Fuck him for screwing with the age old agreement between mexican police and criminals.  If you pay them off, they leave you alone.  They don’t get to double dip in the honeypot.  Soon he was right up my ass again, pressing against my bumper.  I hit the brakes hard, and the truck turned sideways.  All I remember is the bottle floating through the air like a glass bird, and smashing me in the face.  I would have expected the crash to knock me unconscious, but there was no such luck.  Money was everywhere, greenbacks turning in the wind as my vision stabilized, and I noticed I was laying in the passenger side footwell, breathing heavily.

All I could think was that my back is broken.  I couldn’t move my legs, but there was pain there.  Screaming in spanish.  Shotgun pointed at the truck for sure.  End of the line.  I put my head down and saw it, my last salvation.  I reached out with my “good” hand, the one with only three broken fingers, and grasped the revolver.  Without hesitation I guided the barrel over my teeth and fired.  It could have been all over, but god hates me.

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F**K THE BEAST - Episode 5

Hamtackle and Terlet need some Shards of Minium to make a Minium Stone.  You know, for transmuting and shit.  The monsters got em and we're gonna take em!  Continued classiness....

Music by Kevin MacLeod  http://incompetech.com/music/royalty-free/



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Master Bastard #1

Welcome to the inaugural episode of Master Bastard!  Four alias laden, man-children in their 30's chat about the aberrant filth that occupies their sad minds.  Classiness ensues....

Check out this episode!

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Happy Memorial Day!

Thank shit it’s finally memorial day! I have been waiting for months to get the opportunity to appreciate the sacrifices and efforts of this country’s military by calling over a bunch of friends, getting shitfaced, and cooking meat over coals in my back yard. My grandfather once told me that pretty much the only thing that keeps him getting up every morning after all these years is the thought that his brother bled out in a field in Vietnam so I could get an extra day off of work to force feed myself processed cheese once a year. So I consider it a duty of mine to make sure that sacrifice does not go unappreciated by drinking enough beer to make my piss run clear, and eat enough protein to make my shit the consistency of stale whole-grain bread.

Yessir, many americans laid their life on the line eagerly in exchange for promises of being buried under nondescript, identical headstones in graveyards that receive annual plastic flags and flowers, secure in the knowledge that their families might even remember them from time to time and head down to the cemetery to explain what the name on the cross means to their children. And who can blame the kids for being pissed off that they can’t play the nintendo DS for a half hour while the family weeps over a chiseled rock? Our soldiers died so that the worst suffering that kid would know would be having to wear something other than a t-shirt and sweatpants for a few hours on a day other than sunday.

And I think we can all feel warm hearted about how the corporate entities in our country put aside profits on this weekend, and in reverence for our fallen soldiers decide to dramatically slash prices on everything from cars to kitty litter. I know that personally I will remember those in my family that fought and died for freedom every time that I hear my cat scratching away in the litter box after taking a sizable, patriotic feline shit. I was watching one hell of a NASCAR race this weekend when I saw a commercial for a gun shop that can apply an american flag graphic FOR FREE to any rifle with a synthetic stock that is purchased through the end of memorial day, and I fucking cried like the day Earnhardt hit the wall.

So before you go to bed tonight to sleep off the liquor and grilled beef, make sure you look around you at the world we live in and appreciate those that made it all possible. And if anything is worth choking to death on your own blood in a foreign country, it’s watching the new season premier of "The Bachelorette" on this glorious holiday.

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Drunker Than Light - Episode 14

Hamtackle and Terlet stumble into part 3 of the USS Lebowski.  It looks like time is about up for the Dude and his crew, unless Hamtackle can pull off a miracle.  Drunker Than Light, Youtube's premiere FTL drinking game.

Music by Kevin MacLeod  http://incompetech.com/music/royalty-free/



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Hack Slash $#*! - Episode 16

Hamtackle, Terlet and man-sized mouthful Sir Chapsworth, bring the funny with this week's Hack Slash!  The way these guys bicker, it's easy to tell that they are decades old friends......  Old friends who hate each other.  Continued classiness....

Music by Kevin MacLeod  http://incompetech.com/music/royalty-free/



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Discount Amateur Surgery - Episode 11

Nurse Terlet is controlling the cutting and he ain't doin' too shabby.  The patient might actually live this time.  Double kidney transplants.... They'll beat it one day.  It's Surgeon Simulator 2013, done right...... Drunk.

Music by Kevin MacLeod  http://incompetech.com/music/royalty-free/

Malpractice at its finest.


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Evolution For Retards

Have you ever spoken to a total retard?  Not like a person with a genuine mental handicap or an extra chromosome, or anything, but a true retard?  If you are shaking your head right now then I have news for you.  You are the retard.  And by the way, no one can see you shaking your head, dopey.

I decided that some things need extra explanation.  Not really complicated stuff, like string theory, psychology of the female gender, or the implications of a growing Chinese global economy, but more simple stuff.  Like evolution.  When you say the word most people have one of two reactions to it.  They either recognize it as demonstrable reality, a theory only due to the stringent requirements within the scientific community to deem something a “law”, or they think you mean humans came from chimpanzees.  Can you guess which one is the retard?

If you guessed the latter, then give yourself a cookie.  You earned it.  If I only had a nickel for every time I was discussing evolution and someone interjected “I ain’t descendeded from no chimp!” I would have like, at least five bucks or something.  First, you can rest assured that no one is trying to say your momma is a chimp.  All it is saying is that at some point in our several million year history (a long time), before we were even humans, there existed an animal that ended up being the progenitor of both humans and apes.  One of the most ridiculous arguments made against evolution is that it cannot be the truth, because we cannot be descended from chimps if they still exist.  Hopefully I don’t have to explain why that is retarded.

But everyone should know that it exactly this argument that Charles Darwin was trying to avoid when he was releasing On the Origin of Species back in the 19th century.  He knew that everyone would completely disregard the amazing simplicity and obvious truth of natural selection and get hung up on the most famous of human flaws, egocentrism.  They would see that if animals were descended from less complex and advanced life forms, then maybe we were too.  And that couldn’t be true, since we were certainly built in the image of the almighty creator, who for some reason needed a physical form that was perfectly adapted to exist on a lonely rock floating in the void of oblivion.  It bothered him so much that he resisted publishing his life’s work until academic competition threatened to rob him of his advancements.

The entire basis of the theory of evolution is built around the concept of natural selection, which is devilishly simple (pun intended).  All it states is that any creature that reproduces sexually is more likely to survive, and thus reproduce, if they are better suited to their environment than their peers.  And if some seemingly minor mutation occurs in a creature (as occurs regularly), then that mutation will often times be passed onto it’s offspring should it have reproductive success.  Basically, if something survives, it is more likely to fuck.  And if it fucks, it is more likely to reproduce, making it’s genes survive through the generations.  And before you get all christian on me and preach about how “life is far too complex to adapt into a human from a single cell organism”, I must stop you.  This is not such an amazing feat, as your mother accomplished it in a mere 9 months.  Blasphemy, I know.  

It does not end there, however.  Because a mutation does not need to be an advantage to be passed on, it just needs to be present in a surviving population.  There are countless examples of perfectly adapted and fit species dying out due to some cruel, random chance extinction, only to be replaced by a less evolved creature.  Therefore I submit to you, dear reader, that the very presence of the multitude of retards in our midst proves this theory.  Because where there is one retard you are certain to find another, equally big retard in their family tree.  Retardation, you see, is one of the dominant mutations that has been plaguing our species since we first crawled out of the mud puddles.  And it is still going strong.

F**K THE BEAST - Episode 4

Hamtackle and Terlet decide to raid some nearby chests.  They armor up and take down a Spider Oak chest and a Wisp spawner chest.  Hamtackle takes credit for everything while Terlet whines.  Continued classiness...

Music by Kevin MacLeod  http://incompetech.com/music/royalty-free/



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Hate!

Today was for shit.  Hate.  So much hate.  I am getting tons of shit from people inside and outside of work for varying degrees of bullshit.  I was, and still am, a walking pile of fat and rage.  Then I get home and literally get shit from my dog in the form of a sloppy pile of diarrhea.   It was right in the center of the carpet, and boy, did it ever soak in deep. 

With that, I end this post.  Fuck my work, fuck my coworkers, fuck the world, fuck my dog and fuck you!  Have a nice day.

Welcome home, Daddy!


Edit:  I took a nap and I feel better.  Never mind!

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National Censorship Day!

Hi everybody,

I would like to use today's post to apologize to my dear website co-conspirator, Hamtackle.  It was Hamtackle's turn to post today and it also happens to be Draw Muhammad Day!  Hamtackle drew some wonderful, sexually graphic pictures and posted them along with the hilariously detailed descriptions you have come to expect from Popular Irony.

Within 5 minutes, I got on my computer, with my wife by my side to do a bit of "surfing".  My browser's homepage is our website, because, you know, I'm self centered.  The first thing we see is Hamtackle's truly hilarious Muhammad drawings.

My wife emits a light scream and I nearly choke on my mouthful of hamburger (I almost always have a mouth full of hamburger).  My wife in a near panic and my heart racing, I text messaged Hamtackle.  The website is in my name and being a natural coward, I asked Hamtackle to take down the post.

Hamtackle rightly refused. "Then you take it down.  I don't give a fuck.  If it was jesus sucking dick it would be ok.".  Sad but true, Hamtackle.  Sad but true.  This is the first time I have asked Hamtackle to alter a post in any way, let alone take one down entirely.  I sincerely hope that this does not damage our friendship or discourage future collaborations.

As part of my apology, I will post just one of Hamtackle's exquisite drawings.

Sloppy Sorry Smooches - Terlet   

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Drunker Than Light - Episode 13

Hamtackle and Terlet are onto the sext nector in part 2 of the USS Lebowski.  Will the Dude succeed?  Will Donny ever shut the fuck up?  Drunker Than Light, Youtube's premiere FTL drinking game.

Music by Kevin MacLeod  http://incompetech.com/music/royalty-free/




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Discount Amateur Surgery - Episode 10

Finally, we have reached the end of 7 DAYS OF KIDNEY FAILS!  Dr. Hamtackle is lubed up and ready to dive into that steaming cavity.  Will this patient live?  Nurse Terlet thinks, no.  It's Surgeon Simulator 2013, done right...... Drunk.

Music by Kevin MacLeod  http://incompetech.com/music/royalty-free/

Malpractice at its finest.


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Hack Slash $#*! - Episode 15

Hamtackle, Terlet and Fist of the Brown Star, Sir Chapsworth are pounding that hot Hack Slash poon!  It's more of the delightful chatter that disappoints our mothers.  Sir Chapsworth gets booted and rage quits, repeatedly.  Continued classiness....

Music by Kevin MacLeod  http://incompetech.com/music/royalty-free/



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Discount Amateur Surgery - Episode 9

The carnage rolls forward with DAY 6 of 7 DAYS OF KIDNEY FAILS!  Nurse Terlet is taking another stab at this poor guy's open torso.  Everybody loves it when their surgeon learns the surgery while cutting.  It's Surgeon Simulator 2013, done right...... Drunk.

Music by Kevin MacLeod  http://incompetech.com/music/royalty-free/

Malpractice at its finest.




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Popular Irony Unisex Beauty Contest

Welcome one and all to the first annual Popular Irony Beauty Contest, sponsored by Felcher's Facials! It's the ONLY skin creme product that comes in a high-quality reusable container: "Felcher's Facials... itsthefacialinaflask!

 

 

1.) Our first contestant hails from the fatherland, Germany. His name is Hans Grybbler and his blend of infectious charisma and ruthless efficiency will make him the "final solution" to your loneliness!

 

 

2.) Contestant number two is a beach-going beauty that prides himself on his hygiene and personal musk. Say He-llo to this resident of Louisiana, Eugene "The 'Stache" Jacobson!

 

 

3.) And who can resist the calling gaze of this Wisconsin damsel? A woman of many talents, Bertha "The Burger Whisperer" Hamish spends her days hand-milking dairy cows, and her nights breaking hearts as a line dancing instructor. Ooh-La-La!

 

 

4.) Wendy Smittens wants to warm your bed with her giant, feminine feet during the cold Detroit nights! Her all-natural beauty could take the contest by storm, so batten down the hatches, matey!

 

Discount Amatuer Surgery - Episode 8

Continued failure on DAY 5 of 7 DAYS OF KIDNEY FAILS!  Dr. Hamtackle is at it again with too much kidney pawing and not a lot of kidney cutting.  Will these idiots ever pass this level?  It's Surgeon Simulator 2013, done right...... Drunk.

Music by Kevin MacLeod  http://incompetech.com/music/royalty-free/

Malpractice at its finest.



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F**K THE BEAST - Episode 3

Hamtackle and Terlet are back at the FTB!  They have done a bit of building and now have an empty facility, ripe for the filling.  First up, a coal generator and bat box.  Phenomenal BS, this week on Bang That Beasty!

Music by Kevin MacLeod  http://incompetech.com/music/royalty-free/



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Discount Amatuer Surgery - Episode 7

Medical degrees and carnage!  It's DAY 4 of 7 DAYS OF KIDNEY FAILS!  It's Nurse Terlet's turn to insult Dr. Hamtackle's surgical skill.  There is absolutely no chance that this patient is going to make it.  It's Surgeon Simulator 2013, done right...... Drunk.

Music by Kevin MacLeod  http://incompetech.com/music/royalty-free/

Malpractice at its finest.



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Sharing My Shit

I own several ancient artifacts, remnants of creatures long dead to remind me of the futility of life. I decided to share some of these things with you today, mostly because I am creatively impotent and cannot think of a single fucking thing to write about today. The pictures are poorly lit and out of focus. Enjoy them!

 

Invertebrates of the sea, the most common of fossils. Here is a fossilized clam (giggidy), a nautilus, and a trilobite. They represent the bottom of the food chain of their time, like hillbillies of the vast oceans.

 

 

This beautiful phallus is a petrified sperm whale's tooth. It measures about six inches long and is rock hard. Just like me.

 

 

Here I have an ancient piece of walrus ivory, the vampire sow of the north. Did you know a walrus has a bone in it's dick? Fact.

 

 

Now we move into the crown jewels of my fossil collection, coprolites. To the non-fecophiles among us, this is petrified shit. This one is cut and polished dinosaur poop, from some unidentified herbivore. I bet it tastes like pudding.

 

 

This is a random piece of mammal shit. Just imagine the steaming orifice that pushed this baby out all those years ago. The color is amazing, looking good enough to eat.

 

 

This is a hardened ball of shit from some plains-dwelling herd animal of North America. This one is strange because it is incredibly dense and to the touch it seems to be made of some kind of lightweight metal. Fascinating.

 

 

And the final piece in my collection, pride of my many shits, is this grizzled dandy. This fine specimen was gifted to me by none other than Mr. and Mrs. Terlet when they were traveling through the desert on one of their many adventures. Where most of my turds were preserved in wet or temperate climates, this one bears all the marking of desert life. I sure hope the rigid barbs of concrete pain weren't there when the poor bastard squeezed it out. We are not sure the origin of this poop, but judging by the familiar shape I can only hope it was human.

 

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Discount Amatuer Surgery - Episode 6

The week long Discount Surgery Celebration continues!  It's DAY 3 of 7 DAYS OF KIDNEY FAILS!  Dr. Hamtackle taunts Nurse Terlet's numb, fumbling fingers.  Sometimes it's less like surgery and more like homicide.  It's Surgeon Simulator 2013, done right...... Drunk.

Music by Kevin MacLeod  http://incompetech.com/music/royalty-free/

Malpractice at its finest.



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Reasons I Don't Sleep

It's all in your head

Let's all take a moment to appreciate how fucking retarded scientology is. It is based on a book written by a person who was a well-known fiction author, throws around terms like "gazillion" when talking about the timeframe of human history, and centers around a cash for righteousness scheme that doesn't even try to pretend to be legitimate. And it pisses me off that they use the word "science" in their name. Cocksuckers.

 

And we shouldn't neglect the mormons here, as long as we're talking about shameless horseshit religions. With these assholes you get racism ingrained in their ethos (black people weren't humans according to mormons until like the '70s or some shit), posthumous involuntary baptism, and incentives for excessive breeding (your children will serve you in the afterlife on your own personal planet! Provided you are a white male, of course.) But scientology and mormonism both share one characteristic that separates them from most other religions: it is okay to make fun of them.

 

Think about it. Even the most devout christian has no problem laughing at the absurdity of Tom Cruise, and we now have an entire broadway show that pokes fun at the mormons! Can you imagine if The Book of Mormon was about the Qur'an? Do you think it would finish opening night without a body count? And good luck criticizing anything christian in this country without starting a protest complete with misspelled homemade signs, since nothing screams "persecution" like an 80% majority in population.

 

But the ridicule of mormons and scientologists is beginning to piss me off. Not because they aren't entirely deserving of the scrutiny and ire, but because the only ones that should be speaking up are those minority of Americans that spread their dismissal of religion evenly. The atheists. Because anyone that believes that every animal on earth fit onto a fucking boat is not equipped to argue about the absurdity of a garden of eden being located in Missouri.

 

And please don't misunderstand me, I am not trying to push an atheist agenda here. There is no need to, since the accessibility of information should kill off the memory of a creator on it's own in time, provided we don't enter another cultural dark age. Actually I encourage people to wear their faith on their sleeve, since it is a useful cue to some of us to disregard everything they say. It is just frustrating to share space on the religion-bashing bandwagon with people that believe in the talking snake. From outside the dogma bubble it looks so much like a eunuch in the locker room, laughing at how small everybody's penis is.

 

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Discount Amateur Surgery - Episode 5

Get ready for DAY 2 of 7 DAYS OF KIDNEY FAILS!  Dr. Hamtackle, assisted by Nurse Terlet, makes another unsuccessful attempt at a double kidney transplant.  It's Surgeon Simulator 2013, done right...... Drunk.

Music by Kevin MacLeod  http://incompetech.com/music/royalty-free/

Malpractice at its finest.



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Drunker Than Light - Episode 12

Hamtackle and Terlet are back and ready to get drunk!  Hamtackle is piloting the USS Lebowski.  Can his rag tag crew survive in the harsh world of Faster Than Light!?  Drunker Than Light, Youtube's premiere FTL drinking game.

Music by Kevin MacLeod  http://incompetech.com/music/royalty-free/



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Discount Amateur Surgery - Episode 4

Dr. Hamtackle is cutting and Nurse Terlet is judging.  It's DAY 1 of 7 DAYS OF KIDNEY FAILS!  It's Surgeon Simulator 2013, done right...... Drunk.

Music by Kevin MacLeod  http://incompetech.com/music/royalty-free/




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Hack Slash $#*! - Episode 14

Hamtackle, Terlet and non-dairy whipped topping, Sir Chapsworth are back at it with more Hack Slash!  This episode is riddled with chatter concerning world travel and illegal tits.  Continued classiness....

Music by Kevin MacLeod  http://incompetech.com/music/royalty-free/



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Discount Amateur Surgery - Episode 3

Dr. Hamtackle makes the comment that all nurses are just shit doctors.  Then he fails at a kidney transplant.  It's Surgeon Simulator 2013, done right...... Drunk.

Music by Kevin MacLeod  http://incompetech.com/music/royalty-free/



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Youth Pastor Bob

Hey, brothers, what’s up?  Whoa, whoa, dude!  I’m no narc!  Mind if I sit in and puff a few with you guys?  Cool.  (toke toke)  This is some good stuff, my man!  I haven’t had stuff this good since before I was saved.  I'm youth pastor Bob, by the way.  Blessed to meet you guys!

You over there... nice board, man!  I shred all the time at the skate park over by St. Paul’s, but I don’t think I ever saw you over there.  I like to hang down there and drop in with the neighborhood kids, you know?  Just doin’ His work, am I right?  Wait a sec, you guys playin’ some Slayer?  Turn it up, man!  You know everybody back at my church give me shit about listening to them, but I just remind them that only He will cast judgement on me, know what I’m sayin’?  That whole “rock is the devil” garbage is for our parent’s church, not ours!  Pass that thing to me again, brother.

Oh yeah, that’s what I’m talkin’ about.  I don’t think I would rather spend a Saturday afternoon any other way, just tokin’, relaxin’, and celebrating our lord!  A lot of peeps down at the church don’t understand us young people, man.  They don’t get that we aren’t just hanging out by the railroad tracks getting high for the fun of it, but what we got here is a brotherhood, guys.  This little green plant isn’t some common street drug.  This is a sacrament.  And we all know who to thank for it, am I right?

Oh, I noticed you lookin’ at my tattoos.  Don’t worry, I’ve got nothing to hide from you guys!  This one on my chest meets up with a righteous cross over my heart, and goes all the way around my back.  It sorta connects my heart to my faith, because I guess...  I just know His name to be true because He is my very heart, you know?  Well, look at me getting all preachy on you guys, like you don't already know God!  People underestimate me all the time, I guess I owe you guys better than that...

So, what are you all up to tomorrow?  I mean, you planning on heading out to church?  I could sure use some company, and it IS Sunday and all...  I tell you what, I am in pretty good with father Hendricks down at St. Paul’s, and he is a seriously righteous dude.  I mean, he gets it, you know?  Anyways, I try to help out as much as I can down there, and I could sure use a hand...  I know you guys already know His word and all, but the kids could sure use someone to look up to.  And maybe we can keep the herb as our little secret, ok?

Well, I guess I should go.  But look, I will be right here tomorrow at 6am, and I sure hope I can count on you to guys to go with me.  But no pressure, you shouldn’t go just because I would be disappointed.  Make sure He is in your heart, and I am sure you will do the right thing.  But thanks for the high, friends.  Next time is on me!  See you tomorrow, hombres!

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F**K THE BEAST - Episode 2

Hamtackle and Terlet continue their tentative first steps into the world of Feed The Beast.  Spiders almost kill both of them and there is lot's of talk about doin' it in da butt!   Continued Classiness....

Music by Kevin MacLeod  http://incompetech.com/music/royalty-free/



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Happy Birthday!

Kill two birds with one stone, that's what my pappy always said.  I had an awful conundrum at the super market today.  It's my boy's birthday and I only had enough money for one thing, chicken wings or a birthday toy.  Shit, I tell you what, decision making is a bitch.  Do I choose the love and adoration of my young boy or fill my belly with piping hot chicken wings?  Suddenly, brilliance struck.  I could do both!  I just have to take advantage of my extensive art skills.  I only need two things.  chicken bones and wire. 

This is the first and most important step.  First, you need to strip the chicken meat off of the bones.  I prefer to use my teeth.  I dispose of the meat by swallowing it.  That just leaves these shiny, perfect bones.  These bones contain so much potential for my boy's entertainment. 

All you need now is some wire, love and time.  You could make those chicken bones into anything you can imagine!  My boy asked for an Iron Man toy.  I did him one better.  I made him a Bone Man!  He's a billionaire industrialist whose genius allowed him to harness the unlimited power of BONES!!

Just look at his deBONEair mustache.  I think the green wire just adds to his mystique.  All I have to do is tell my boy that Bone Man gets 10X more pussy than Iron Man and Captain Kirk combined and he'll be sold.  I mean, 9 year olds are pussy hounds, right?  I know I was at that age.  I can't wait to see the look on my boy's face when the social worker brings him over for a supervised visit.  It's going to be his best birthday ever!     

DeBONEair

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Last Minute Mother's Day Gift Ideas

 

5.) Birthday Gift Absolution: Give Mom a gift of future savings by telling her "don't worry" about your next birthday. Think about it. She always spends countless hours and dollars planning something extremely thoughtful and appropriate, something that fulfills a need of yours that demonstrates how selfless she is and how much she loves you. How nice would it be to not have to burden yourself with that bullshit next time around? There is literally no downside if you consider that this gift is totally free, AND her guilt will no doubt lead her to buy you a sweet b-day gift anyways!

 

 

 

4.) Low profile personal defense stun gun: What better way to remind Mom that we live in a cruel, unforgiving world that could end any day with a brutal assault and rape? This stun gun is built to resemble a cell phone to deter all but the most determined sadists and psychopaths, and keeps defense at her fingertips anywhere to go. So for only a small charge you can show her that at the very least you don't want her to wind up bloody and violated in an inner-city alleyway.

 

 

 

3.) Female-adapted portable john: Let's face it. Mom isn't getting any younger, and sometimes she is missing out on life's most interesting moments by spending them in long lines at the movies, in restaurants, or at the stadium. Well this little product will show her how much you care by giving the gift of independence. Small enough to fit in her purse, and with an attractive and feminine design, she will feel comfortable using it almost anywhere. And for the frugal Mom, a simple rinse in the sink will allow for reusability in the short term, and the entire unit is dishwasher-safe.

 

 

 

2.) Sturdy jumbo cleaning tote: Remind Mom that she has "got it maid" by helping her get organized for one of her favorite daily activities. Big enough to fit supplies for cleaning a number of domestic living spaces, you are sure to see her eyes light up when she opens this gift for mother's day. Nothing makes Mom feel more needed than a filthy mess made by one of her children, so make sure to leave her plenty or opportunities to use her new tote when you visit next week.

 

 

 

1.) Waterproof personal massager: Being a Mom is one of the most stressful occupations in the world, and you will find very few people to dispute the fact. While searching for relaxing gifts for women one theme kept coming up. Personal massage devices. This one is an affordable, quality design that is sure to give her the ultimate "stress relief" that money can buy. It's also waterproof, so she can use it in the... bathroom, I guess. And this model's unique design is sure to reach even the most inaccessible sore muscle, and it's touted as "whisper quiet", ensuring that even if she uses it in bed it won't wake up Dad!

 

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Discount Amateur Surgery - Episode 2

It's Nurse Terlet's turn in the surgeon's chair with the gentle guidance of Dr. Hamtackle.  Will Nurse Terlet be able to swap those kidneys before his patient dies a terrible death?  It's Surgeon Simulator 2013, done right...... Drunk.

Music by Kevin MacLeod  http://incompetech.com/music/royalty-free/



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Hack Slash $#*! - Episode 13

Hamtackle, Terlet and Transgender Olympic Track and Field runner up, Sir Chapsworth are extra salty tonight!  Or is that saucy?  Salty and saucy?  Whatever, they are playing Hack/Mine, swearing and drinking... Yes, we have problems.  Question your masculinity on this episode of Hack Slash $#*!!

The seed used for this world is - Turdcutalia

Music by Kevin MacLeod  http://incompetech.com/music/royalty-free/



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Discount Amateur Surgery - Episode 1

Dr. Hamtackle and Nurse Terlet strap on their latex gloves and get to cutting in the inaugural episode of Discount Amateur Surgery!  Marvel at their surgical prowess, wonder at their drinking skills, celebrate the rampant inactivity!  It's Surgeon Simulator 2013, done right...... Drunk.

Music by Kevin MacLeod  http://incompetech.com/music/royalty-free/



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Diary Of A Degenerate 36

The young girl was possessed by seemingly endless energy, and kept fighting and screaming for the entire four or five minutes her father was gone.  I have done many horrible things, but this one was certainly on the top of the list.  I stood there nude, covered in blood, and gripping a small, shrieking child in my arms.  Anyone who walked in on the scene would assume the worst, and they’d be right.

Her father came back in the room, and I was relived to see he was sobbing still, not chomping at the bit to tear me limb from limb.  He threw a fresh pair of pants that were way too fucking large at my feet, and placed a beat up .38 on the floor with a half empty box of ammo, a small plastic bag with a few stacks of american currency, and an unopened bottle of tequila.  I motioned for him to back up and he complied, while I grabbed the gun and inspected it.  Loaded.  This guy was taking some serious chances by handing this over.  Bad idea.  My index finger was badly twisted so I fed my middle digit through the trigger guard and raised it at him.  He didn’t flinch as I fired three shots into his torso.  The fucking sound deafened me to the world, but I could tell the was screaming at an extra few octaves now that I had dropped her, and was crouching over him as a large bubble of blood formed in one of the holes in his chest.

I put the pants on and the promptly fell back off, so I kicked the half-blind girl off her father and sloppily dragged the belt off his corpse before tying it around my waist.  I had no shirt, but fuck it, three quarters of the people here didn’t wear them anyway.  I gathered up my goods and headed for the door, glad to put the memories of torture and the sound of wailing behind me.

I was surprised to see that it wasn’t some back country shed I was being kept in, but a seemingly nice middle-class house upstairs.  Out the window I could see a pickup with the windows down and a shine near the wheel.  Keys.  I didn’t waste time in stumbling out the door and tossed my gear onto the passenger seat before sitting down and starting up the truck.  The leather was burning a hole in my back, but I was happy to have it.  Some dreadful mexican polka music flooded the car and I quickly shut it down, then tore the cork out of the tequila bottle and drank deeply.  With any luck I would forget this shithole in a few hours of drinking.

I was about two miles down the road, a gringo covered in blood, shirtless driving a stolen pickup while half drunk, when I saw the federales behind me.

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F**K THE BEAST - Episode 1

Hamtackle and Terlet have landed in a new world, the world of Feed The Beast!  Watch as they wander, argue and search for a new home.  This is just the start and it can only end badly.  Hold on tight it's F**K THE BEAST!

Music by Kevin MacLeod  http://incompetech.com/music/royalty-free/



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