Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Psy - Gangnum Style

Awwwww.  Good old Korean Pop.  Youtube has really done it this time.  My brother texted me a link to the music video at the bottom of this post.  It is something special.  I have watched it several times and it keeps getting more engrained into my brain.  


The video is by a Korean Hip Hop artist by the name of Psy.  Below is from Wikipedia.....

"Park Jae Sang (Hangul: 박재상, born December 31, 1977), mononymously credited as PSY (Hangul: 싸이), is a South Korean recording artist. Although not a mainstream hip hop artist, he is popular underground due to his sense of humor and unique concerts (he is known to imitate popular female stars, for example performing as Lee Hyori in 2006). He has appeared on numerous variety programs, including Good Sunday: X-Man and The Golden Fishery.


PSY received his education in the United States, graduating from both Boston University and Berklee College of Music. He was fined for his first album, the reason being that his music promoted inappropriate content for underage listeners. His second album was also banned."

 
The Youtube description of the video is below.

"From 2 years of break, PSY is finally coming back with his 6th album 'PSY6甲'!
The album's weighty title song 'Gangnam Style' is composed solely by PSY himself from lyrics to choreography. The song is characterized by its strongly addictive beats and lyrics, and is thus certain to penetrate the foundations of modern philosophy."


Now take off your pants and get ready for some warm, endearing, Korean greatness.  Gangnum Style!!

 

English Translation:

Oppa is Gangnam style Gangnam style
A girl who is warm and humanly during the day A classy girl who know how to enjoy the freedom of a cup of coffee A girl whose heart gets hotter when night comes A girl with that kind of twist
I’m a guy A guy who is as warm as you during the day A guy who one-shots his coffee before it even cools down A guy whose heart bursts when night comes That kind of guy
Beautiful, loveable Yes you, hey, yes you, hey Beautiful, loveable Yes you, hey, yes you, hey Now let’s go until the end
Oppa is Gangnam style, Gangnam style Oppa is Gangnam style, Gangnam style Oppa is Gangnam style
Eh- Sexy Lady, Oppa is Gangnam style Eh- Sexy Lady oh oh oh oh
A girl who looks quiet but plays when she plays A girl who puts her hair down when the right time comes A girl who covers herself but is more sexy than a girl who bares it all A sensable girl like that
I’m a guy A guy who seems calm but plays when he plays A guy who goes completely crazy when the right time comes A guy who has bulging ideas rather than muscles That kind of guy
Beautiful, loveable Yes you, hey, yes you, hey Beautiful, loveable Yes you, hey, yes you, hey Now let’s go until the end
Oppa is Gangnam style, Gangnam style Oppa is Gangnam style, Gangnam style Oppa is Gangnam style
Eh- Sexy Lady, Oppa is Gangnam style Eh- Sexy Lady oh oh oh oh
On top of the running man is the flying man, baby baby I’m a man who knows a thing or two On top of the running man is the flying man, baby baby I’m a man who knows a thing or two
You know what I’m saying Oppa is Gangnam style
Eh- Sexy Lady, Oppa is Gangnam style Eh- Sexy Lady oh oh oh oh
 -

Monday, July 30, 2012

Vicarious Vacation Photos

Well, I promised at least one more cop-out vacation post, so here it is. A short collection of tourist photos taken on my italian trip over the last two weeks. Enjoy it, because I certainly did.

I took this one in... I'm not totally sure. I think it's venice.

 

This is the beautiful church in sienna. Quite a monument to man's ability to devote themselves entirely to an imaginary god. I would like to pat myself on the back for a beautiful picture, but I think it has more to do with the incredible subject matter.

 

This is ponte vecchio bridge in florence. A great place to stand shoulder-to-shoulder with sweaty germans and buy gold. It's literally THE ONLY THING on the bridge. Gold shops.

 

I took this picture while standing in the ruins of pompei. That is the (still active) volcano vesuvius. One day it will kill everyone there and in nearby naples. Someday.

 

And this is the view from the city walls of the very defensible hill city of volterra. It was built on the ancient greek-etruscan city from antiquity, but is more famous now for being the filming site for one of the shitty twilight movies. I fucking hate humanity.

 

-

Sunday, July 29, 2012

Tenacious D - Low Hangin' Fruit - Red Rocks - 7-26-2012

Tenacious D - Low Hangin' Fruit.... LIVE!   It was filmed from the very top of Red Rocks on a shitty phone that can't zoom in.  Terrible footage, great concert!

Saturday, July 28, 2012

Olympic Participation Medals


Every two years the world's greatest athletes meet up to determine who is the best in their respective sports, but the top-level competition always boils down to a few industrialized nations that have all the advantages. And with the exception of the John Candy film Cool Runnings, there are relatively few surprises. Well, since we face another summer olympics this week I decided to give some much-deserved recognition to those olympic hopefuls that fight against all odds by awarding some participation medals.




First I would like to recognize the Japanese high jumpers, who have valiantly attended every summer olympics just to be beaten soundly by all other countires. This year's star jumper is Keiko Matsuo, the most decorated female high jumper in japanese history and standing at an incredible 5'2" tall, a full 3" taller than the next tallest Japanese competitor. She is expected to make it through to the preliminary round where she will be embarrassed by the rest of the field immedietly. For her efforts we award her the medal of participation.





Next on our list of participation medal recipients is the Israeli beach volleyball team. They continue to show astounding resolve and courage to report to every match despite their genetically-inherited habit of becoming grossly disoriented when they come in contact with sand. One is quickly reminded of Moses leading the jews through the desert for fourty long years when viewing the confused Israeli team, hunched over and bumping into the net the moment they enter the sandy volleyball pit. But they continue to proudly compete in the face of insurmountable opposition. We tip our hats, Israel!





And finally we want to recognize Iraq's womens swimming team, who routinely finish several minutes behind their olympic rivals in every event, sometimes even paying the ultimate price and drowning before reaching their goal. But every spectator must respect their cultural commitment to remain wrapped in their traditional burka despite the obvious danger and disadvantage. Perhaps one day the Iraqi team will have their requests granted by the olympic committee and they will be able to perform their races in poorly lit rooms watched only by their husbands, allowing them to be clad in only a respectful all-encompassing onesie. Until that day, they will have to do with just this participation medal.



-

Friday, July 27, 2012

Exploring Italian Stereotypes

 

I am back from my two-week italian getaway and now report back to the Popular Irony readers with some of my observations of the experience. I visited Rome, Venice, Florence, Naples, Pompei, Ponsacco, San Gimignano, Sienna, Lucca, Voltarra, Pontedera, and Pisa. And I found a few consistencies that held true in all these places.

Firstly, the women. Italian women did not disappoint, although I had to enjoy them at a distance to avoid any international incidents. But something mysterious happens to them when they age, and they seem to go through a strange metamorphosis cycle following puberty. Teenage italian women are almost entirely made up of gorgeous dark-haired and olive-skinned fashion model godesses, and that remains true throughout their twenties, but after their 35th birthday they take a dramatic change. They seem to gain 60 pounds overnight, sprout facial hair and warts, and adopt a shrimp-like posture that they accentuate with layer after layer of home-knit clothing and at least two scarves. But this change comes with one clear advantage: they transform into master chefs. So if dating an italian woman, beware.

It also appears that Italy makes no effort to pander to the needs of their handicapped population. Nowhere did I encounter wheelchair ramps, braile notices, or hook-shaped door handles. It is as if they are trying to pretend the less fortunate citizens of their country do not exist, and it seems to be working. You see disabled people nowhere on the streets, except the unfortunate ones that clog the tourist areas as beggars. I have a suspicion that some of the lazier people there purposly chop of limbs and gouge out eyes as a career move. Then again, maybe they are just collecting funds to help their defunct government install a fucking ramp or two at the train station.

And they speak loudly. And with comically exaggerated hand gestures. A perfectly silent bus ride would frequently be interrupted by a local who screamed into the phone as if it owed them money and inadvertantly pummeled the stranger seated next to them with a uniquely italian version of karate. I swear that if you hancuffed an italian they would be rendered mute. And while I am ranting on the subject I would like to point out that the vast majority of italians haven't taken the common courtesy of learning english, so no civilized people can understand a word. No wonder they are drowning the EU in debt, circling with Spain and Greece around the economic drain.

And while the food is wonderful, and the coffe and wine is sublime, the drinking water is complete shit. "Aqua minerale, naturale or frizzante". No thanks. Your water tastes like it came from the tap and it isn't even properly chilled, making it useful only for pissing or shitting into. And don't get me started on carbonated water. With the exception of my esteemed blog partner Terlet it is consumed only by douchebags and date rapists.

I'm sure there are many more stereotypes I am leaving out, including the copious body odor resulting from too much hair and too little personal hygiene, but I wouldn't want to accidentally offend anyone. So I will end my observations here, but don't think for one second this is my last vacation-related post. I took too many pictures and am far too lazy not to take full advantage of them, so there is more coming.

 

-

 

Thursday, July 26, 2012

Three Enlightening Factoids from the Lady Terlet

Hello Readers. Hamtackle is completing the very last leg of his journey abroad and Terlet just simply cannot be bothered this evening.  Therefore, I, the Lady Terlet, have been charged with informing and educating the Popular Irony readers.  As a student of the world, I have obtained a slight level of expertise in several topics.  Here are three little known, yet possibly helpful factoids to consider in your everyday life. 

  • If the oil in your car is not very dark or dirty when you go in for a change, most lube businesses will re-use that oil in the next car.  Therefore, it is often the case that a driver will leave with dirtier oil than that with which he came.  
  • The most common places to have a murder fantasy are:
              3.  A high school
              2.  In traffic
              1.   In a Walmart Supercenter 
  • People who habitually tip less than 18% of their bill at dinner annually consume 87% more semen and saliva than the average hardcore porn star.

Now, you have been educated.  Use this information wisely in your daily routine.  I thank you for your patronage.


Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Love Is In The Heir

Pyongyang (AP) - A pairing of historic proportions has taken place in The Democratic People's Republic Of Korea, more commonly known as North Korea, as dear leader Kim Jong-un has wed an until now unknown partner named Ri Sol-ju in a ceremony described by state broadcasters as "completely legitimate and in no way constructed for political appearances". Critics claim this is an effort to transform the littlest Kim's image as an untested and rather pudgy child-king into a virile and masculine ruler teeming with sexual energy, but all indications from the notoriously tight-lipped regime appear to show a country in full celebration of this wonderous union.

 

 

Kim Jong-un and his bride in smiling approval of the opening of the first ever amusement park
The state has issued an order to "display emotions of cheer and excitement" to residents nationwide for the next week and have taken unprecedented actions to ensure the proper enjoyment of the impromptu holiday for the newlywed leader, such as establishing the nation's first "amusement park", consisting of a three acre zone of abandoned farmland in which any visitor is mandated to smile enthusiastically or face "the extinction of the perpetrator's familial bloodline".

Even those condemned by the regime have been invited to take part in the nation's pride, as state re-education camps have arranged to reduce the routine 18 hour daily torture sessions down to a paltry 16 hours for the remainder of the week. When asked to comment on the joyous occasion one detainee was quoted as saying "Please send help. My last meal was four days ago and consisted solely of the marrow cracked from my own amputated limb".

And in an attempt to display their grandeur to the world, North Korea has planned an event they are calling "A night of 10,467 lights", where they will break with current restrictions by supplying electrical power to the entire country for a full 24 hour period beginning tomorrow morning, leading countless residents to prepare in excited anticipation for such luxurious activities as reading pre-screened state-sanctioned propaganda literature, and navigating their way to the communal latrines after hours without using the guide ropes.

Indeed, spirits are running high in this land of stoic cynicism, and the international community looks on in patronizing approval of the country's meager efforts to appear powerful and relevant in the face of crippling cultural and economic shortfalls. Perhaps this is a sign of progress for North Korea in the years to come under the Dear Leader and his new bride, but many express their doubts that they will end their free-fall descent in terms of cultural, scientific, economic, and technological insignificance.

 

-

 

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Chick-N-Chunks


At Chick-N-Chunks we serve a higher purpose than just serving delicious fast food.  We are vigilant and pious modern day crusaders.  We help spread God's word one tasty bite at a time.  Our Christian values and ethics have birthed a highly successful and universally loved fast food chain.  We are closed on Sundays so our employees can worship any of the correct religions they want, without the worry of toil.   

We don't discriminate, everyone is welcome at Chick-N-Chunks.  Why not try one of our delicious specials.

The Christian Crusader - This is our classic chicken sandwich.  The sandwich that put Chick-N-Chunks on the map.  Try it with Prophet Sauce for a baptism of flavor.


The Marriage is Between a Man and a Woman Sandwich - Our tasty breaded chicken breast topped with swiss and a generous length of ham.  Ask for the Civil Union for just ham.


The God Hates Fags Sandwich - We put a spicy spin on our classic Christian Crusader.  It is topped with devilish blend of peppers, spices, mayonnaise and ranch..  This hot little number will make your mouth burn in eternal hellfire. 



So stop on by Chick-N-Chunks for a holy helping of Christian values and a belly full of delicious chicken!


-

Monday, July 23, 2012

Anatomical Incompatibilities

Good evening, let me introduce myself, I am .... whoa whoa whoa!  ... don't panic.  Yes, yes... calm down now, no need to scream.  What's that?.....  Well, yes.  You have been abducted and I am an alien so "Abducted by Aliens" is an apt statement.  There is no need to be upset.  I am one of those FUN aliens. 

You know, fun aliens.  I'm a handful of ET with a skoshe of Mac & Me topped off with a whole lot of Starman.  Do you know which part of Starman?  Remember in that movie when Jeff Bridges stuffed Karen Allen full of his hot alien genitals?  .... Yes!  That's right!  I'm going to fuck you.

Oh come on now.... That's just insulting.  It won't be that bad, I promise.  I will wipe your memory afterwards and everything.  This always surprises you but, this is not the first time we have done this.  I've been banging you since the 9th grade.  According to my planet's customs, you are my Booty Bitch.  Really now, there is no need to get upset.  This is happening whether you want it or not. 

Now why don't you come lay down on these fine satin sheets.  I know you like satin.  I've already taken the liberty of disrobing you and sterilizing your epidermis.  You are a filthy piggy you know that?  But that is why I like you.  You are my little piggy.  My wittle earthy piggy wiggums.

Well, that is enough foreplay, let's get to the fucking.  Now you may experience a great amount of displeasure.  We share a few anatomical incompatibilities.  You only have one outie and one innie down there.  That just does not work for me.  As you can see when I lift up my robe, I have... Again with the screaming?.... Yes, those are tentacles and teeth, nothing you haven't' had inside you before.

Now don't worry, whatever holes I make I can easily fix.  Our reconstructive surgery methods are centuries beyond yours.  You won't even be able to tell the difference.  You have not scarred yet, have you? 

Let's get this shit going before your wife and kids wake up.  I'm gonna start vomiting lubricant on your loins and you.... well, you just bite that pillow.  Did I mention that I love you?



--

Sunday, July 22, 2012

No Get Tender Fingers Filthy, Assistance By Stick.

I got here bucket of fishes.  Bet you no keep yer eyes offen them!  Them fish finest quality for you!  You buy fish?  You stop you worry, this bucket also has ice in.  Ice makes fish no rot, no even little rot!  If'n you likes fish maybe you also like Creamed Cheese?  Perfect for spread on fish.  Them highest quality Creamed Cheese.  Creamed Cheese made from best part of other Creamed Cheese.  I make into special ball with fish.  No worry, me wring out melty ice water.

You want buy special Moist Creamed Fish Balls?  Special incentive of rolling fish ball in oats.  Finest oats for you healthy heart!  Sweeten deal further now!  Further with put on stick.  Now you eat Moist Oat Creamed Fish Balls on Stick!  No get tender fingers filthy, assistance by stick.

Wait but there more!  Can't won't be complete without Dip Sauces.  Choices have Egg Vinegar, Porked Water, Fatted Salt, Sweet Liver and White Gelatins.  Think hard, you choice get one only. 

You take here... Here you take... You take here.... Here you take....  No take?  How not possessed by hungry?  Shown you delights secret, unknown flavor.  Passed up none have before, how you?  Convinced you I have?!  YES!  Pity I use, pity exuded.  $5.  Yes, $5.  What sauce?  No sauce?!  Take you sauce!!  Yes, finest Porked Water. 

Eat here now.  No walk away.  Watching pleasure face.  Eat now for old man?  Don't forgetting Porked Water, let soak....  Now eat.  You eat everyday.  You eat everyday here.  You bring $5 everyday and eat foods from bucket.  Tomorrow special, Fish Milk Bucket.  You still no eat?  Help you food put in mouth I can.  I will!

Saturday, July 21, 2012

Four-Barrel Shotgun

I have had a long day so I have decided to share some vacation photos!  Oh Boy!  Everybody loves looking at another person's vacation photos.  I know... I'm lazy.

 I was in an art museum in San Francisco last year and this caught my eye.  It's a four-barrel shotgun.  Pretty bad-ass, eh? 

Aw Yeah
BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM
Bitch better have my money!


-

Friday, July 20, 2012

A Pair of Peeing Tigers and Sleepy Lion Testicles

Hey there!  I went to an Animal Sanctuary and took a picture of some African Lion's junk and captured a video of two tigers peeing at the same time!  I'd say the day was an utter success!!

Sleepy Lion Testicles

You're Welcome!! -

Thursday, July 19, 2012

An Italian Street Merchant Makes An Uncomfortably Hard Sell

 

My friend! My friend! I see you speak with Gurgel about his leather bags, now let me see you very much better quality. My name Pierno. I take very much care of you. Look... You see supple leather? Touch with hands and feel it like fine skin of newborn baby, eh? He say best bags in all of Florence, yes? But Gurgel is untrustworthy pedophile. Come to me, fine sir.

I show you much high quality bags for excellent price, yes? Just 200 euro for this bag. Wait! I say very much apologize, good sir. For man as strong and virile as you price is much lower. I mistake and give you price for tourist. This bag just 140 euro. You take and bag make you much better for having woman, guaranteed.

But sir, why do you not trust Pierno? I swear on the virginity of my daughter this is best bag for lowest price. I smell your excitment for fine product. I offer you bag at incredible price, just 100 euro.

No? My friend, you show you are very smart. You see right away that my daughter is just common whore. We speak like men now. Bag is for you just 40 euro. Is lowest possible price. Under 40 euro I must beat my wife for internet videos to make money for food. You do not want wife beaten for fetish videos, yes? You want Pierno only beat wife for dirty household, yes?

Sir! Sir! Do not go to Gurgel. I make you special offer, never before offer. We go to alleyway and Pierno give slow rub, then fast rub for making fire in loins. Then you pay 30 euro for bag. Very good, sir. You know fine quality when wanting leather bags. Give Pierno few moments to wash hands in gutter before alleyway fire-making.

 

-

 

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Arpaio's All American Flat Loaf

Hey folks it's me, your pal, Sheriff Joe!  I love America more than anything and I would do anything to protect it.  I would also do anything to fill America's belly with tasty All American food products!  That's where Arpaio's All American Flat Loaf comes in! 

Americans love variety so AAA Flat Loaf is available in corn or flour.  There are also several special flavors; Green Card Avocado, Proof of Residence Red Pepper, Spinach and Garlic.  Try them with spiced ground beef and shredded cheese for that All American Dinner! 

You can also fry them in oil and fold them in half.  You fill those with spicy meats, cheese, lettuce and tomato and you've got what I call Maricopa Meat Shell.

Cut them into slices like a pie and fry the slices in hot oil.  Once they are crispy, I like to dip them in my home made Spicy Tomato and Peppers Mash.  Good old Flat Loaf Pie and Spicy Mash.  

If you melt cheese on those slices of Flat Loaf Pie you get.... let's see.... Cheese Crunchers!  Mmmmm Cheese Crunchers, just like our forefathers intended.

There are a thousand and one uses for my wholesome slabs of Flat Loaf.  See how many you can discover!





-

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Vienna Sausages - A Study

One of my favorite guilty pleasures are those delectable little treats known as Vienna Sausages.  I fucking love those stout little cans stuffed with stout little sausages.  I remember my first Vienna Sausage.  I must have been 4 years old.  There was a power outage that lasted a couple of days.  During that time, my dad introduced me to those delicious room temperature canned meatlets.  I've been devouring them ever since.

My wife fucking hates them.  I am forced to sneak them into the shopping cart and hide them under other groceries.   Sometimes you get these teeny tiny sandy bits that can only be ground up entrails.  But they taste so fucking good.  The pop of that little tin can is so satisfying.  Inhaling the scent of the freshly opened Vienna can..... like baby's breath.  A baby that has been eating Alpo.  Vienna Sausages look and smell like dog food.

Who could describe Vienna Sausages better than Wikipedia?

"North American vienna sausages are mainly made from pork, but also meat such as beef, turkey and chicken, (or blends thereof) finely ground to a paste consistency and mixed with salt and spices, notably mustard, then stuffed into a long casing, sometimes smoked and always thoroughly cooked, after which the casings are removed. The sausages are then cut into short segments for canning and further cooking. They are also available packed in chili or barbecue sauces."

Fuck yeah.  A finely ground paste?  Fucking sign me up.  Below is a slideshow of a can that I ate moments ago.  Observe the double sausage technique, only advanced Sausagnauts should attempt it. You are gonna wanna save that broth.  I'm telling ya, a little vodka and sausage broth in a martini glass accented by a Vienna Sausage on a toothpick.  Classy and delicious.  The Vienna Sausagtini will get you laid.   





-

Sunday, July 15, 2012

Hamtackle Abroad: pt2

Well I have escaped the urban nightmare that is Rome and left the heat and humidity with it. Now after another day of last-minute train travel and stress I have reached the tuscan villa just outside of the city of Ponsacco, but is it everything I was hoping it would be? Unfortunately, not really.

 

Here we see the ouside entertaining area. Sure the view is magnificent, and there are hardly any other homes in sight, and the only dirt road leading to it is behind three gates, but just look at the state of it! They tell us the canopy is hand painted and imported from Morocco... I mean, what the fuck were they thinking? Here I am expecting a relaxing break from the tuscan sun and you are telling me that I have to drink wine and eat fresh locally-grown tomatoes with homemade mozarella under a fucking MOROCCAN canopy? False advertising, to say the least.

 

And here is the living room leading into my bedroom. Would you believe that the upstairs is the ONLY part of the villa with air conditioning? Of course the weather is superb and the sound of the birds and gentle breeze rolling over the olive trees and vineyards is extremely pleasant, and I would certainly prefer the open double doors and shudders to the boxed-in feeling upstairs, but when I ask for luxury that means AIR CONDITIONING! Fucking europeans don't know comfort.

 

And here we have the state-of-the-art kitchen, complete with stainless steel appliances, marble table, three refigerators, and restaurant-quality meat slicer. What, are they expecting me to slave away in the kitchen all day? I guess they did stock the fridges with pre-prepared pastas and sauces, fresh produce, local wine and beer, and a delicious selection of cheese and dairy, but I don't like being under all this pressure to cook over the weekend until the staff returns Monday afternoon and the master chef gets back to preparing our meals. Our hosts are treating us like fucking savages.

 

And here we have the pool. Have you ever seen anything so depressing in your life? It's not even heated!! The few times I swam it may have been a perfectly refreshing temperature, and makes a sublime retreat from the warm surroundings, but it is only 8 feet deep! I am 6'4 and that means if I go diving off the board I might scrape my face on the bottom. Unacceptable.

 

And how's this for a slap in the face? The property sits opposite a 16th century Medici family castle that is just bearing down on us! So now every time I look out my window I have to be reminded of exactly how much better the whole experience could be. When I am trying to enjoy my meager taste of the high life I don't want some castle-dwelling assholes looking down on me! I mean, I came here to escape the everyday shithole I live in, not to find out I upgraded to a slightly less shitty hole.

 

And can you imagine my disappointment when I found this awesome bookcase stocked with reading material for my week long getaway and I discovered that all the books are in fucking italian?!? What, do the think anyone but americans are going to be renting this property? The fact that they made no additional adjustments to cater to their clientele just makes me sick. Guess I'll just have to read one of the dozens of books loaded in my ipad! Bullshit.

 

I was also thrilled to see that there were a set of billiard balls at my disposal! So I ran all over the place looking for a pool table and guess what... The fuckers forgot to put one in the villa! God damn it, people, how big of an asshole do you have to be to get my hopes up for a game of pool and then pull the rug out from under me by forgetting the table? Sick bastards.

So I guess the next week won't be all I had hoped it would. All the 5 star meals and lovely weather is only going to piss me off more, and don't even get me STARTED about the church bells that ring through the valley on a regular basis! Oh well, I will have to try to make the best of it. Until next time I'll just say "champagne disappointments and caviar nightmares!"

 

-

 

Saturday, July 14, 2012

Sweet Ben

Sweet Ben
I seek you.  I see you.  You to show me the way?  You to take me meet Hadrozar?  Hadrozar unleash cleansing burn.  Hadrozar need fire.  Fire I have inside. 

I key for Hadrozar.  Hadrozar open portal.  All portal.  Different become same.  Many become one.  Universe fold into self.  Where Hadrozar?

Hadrozar come.  Hadrozar come.  Hadrozar come.  Where Hadrozar.  Must keep fire burn.  Must feed fire.  You please feed fire?  You insides come out.

Why you run?  You help Sweet Ben.  Sweet Ben feast on you.  You blood stoke fire.  You meat fill furnace.  Furnace within.  You no fear.  Fear no help.

What you say?  That just rude.  No, really.  That unnecessary.  Me say please even.  You rude.  Hadrozar abhor rude.  Today nice day until this.  Why you be that way?

Hadrozar offer you generous opportunity.  Hadrozar give you clarity in beyond.  Clarity after you meat burn inside.  Clarity after Hadrozar become all.  You might had paradise in beyond.  Not now.  You rude.

Sweet Ben upset.  No!  You go way!  Sorry no make feeling better.  Sweet Ben get Ben and Jerry's Chunky Monkey.  That burn in furnace.  Me wish me could cry.  Tears become steam.  Hadrozar come.  Me need hug.


-

Friday, July 13, 2012

Lethargic Mahat - Grandma was a Poet

Me tired.  Me no want writey.  Me want beer beer beer and sleepy sleep.  This Lethargic Mahat song.  This old.  This recorded on 4-Track.  People no know how play instruments.  Lyrics improvised.  Lyrics good.  Me good.  Me improvise lyrics.  Me rhyme Shotgun and Not Fun.  Me brilliant.



Rock it to me, Grandma Style!


-

Thursday, July 12, 2012

Hamtackle Abroad Pt 1

Roman skyline
 

I have arrived. It took one 3.5hr flight to Philadelphia then an 8.5hr flight to Rome, and now I am in Hotel Miami on Via Nazionale in Roma (that's right, nazi street). Being a 6'4 obese american, I am entirely unable to sleep on a plane, so I arrived at 8:15am Rome time quite tired. Luckily I had an anonymous aged italian grandmother/formula 1 race car driver to bring me to the hotel.

After making the 48 point turn to get out of the parking space she was wedged into, she flew headfirst into traffic and quickly proved herself to be the most aggressive driver on the road, and that is saying something in a country like Italy, where traffic laws are considered mere suggestions. She took a yard and gave not even an inch, and made steady eye contact with every other driver on the road while simultaneously honking the horn and gesturing some as-of-yet untranslated but tranparently demaning insult.

Just about the only thing that can get an experienced italian driver to slow down (but not stop) is a local pedestrian. You can tell the locals because they play a high-stakes game of chicken with the drivers that involves them blindly walking into the street without looking up, just daring the drivers to run them down. Tourists always look up. Amateurs.


But the true daredevils are the moped drivers, almost always clad in armani suits and weaving through traffic from the friendly right lane to the no man's land, tempting oncoming traffic. Their smaller size means they can move at full speed when all others are at a standstill, and take full advantage of their insanity. The drive took thirty minutes and I am shocked that I didn't see at least four well-dressed corpses in that time.

Since arriving I have enjoyed a nap, shower, meal of delicious street pizza (one shovel-o-mushroom, and one tomato with prosciutto), and walked down to the Trevi Fountain in search of the perfect absinthe shop. No such luck on the absonthe yet, but I did manage to sweat through a shit and pair of shorts. It is about 90 degrees with 75% humidity.

I will try to give another update in the next few days once I make it to the villa, where I anticipate my mentality will change from common tourist to relaxed aristocrat. I can't wait.

 

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Hamtackle Is On Vacation!

Greetings loyal readers!  It's your old pal, Terlet.  For the next couple of weeks you are going to be seeing a lot more of me.  My dear friend and website co-founder, Hamtackle, is away from the office on a luxurious Italian vacation.  

We at Popular Irony have made a habit of making daily posts on our illustrious website.  It has been over a year and we have not missed a day yet.  Hamtackle may be able to make a post or two while on vacation, but the bulk of the responsibility will fall to me.  Lazy ass Terlet.

I am trying to convince two one-time contributors to Popular Irony to join in as well.  So, there is a chance of seeing the return of The Lady Terlet and Sir Chapsworth.  They both thought that their first and only posts on Popular Irony were crap.  I entirely disagree.  They both had funny, well written, entertaining stories that fit in well with the filth and depravity displayed daily here.  But, of course, as many do, they judge themselves too harshly.  Don't they know that nobody reads this shit anyway?

It will probably just be me creating your daily dose of bullshit until Hamtackle returns.  I just want to apologize in advance if I "Phone In" some days.  If I post a song by the Scum City Avengers, you'll know I was feeling exceptionally lazy.  If I post a Youtube video that doesn't make sense and has no punchline, you'll know that my creative well was dry that day.  If it's just a stream of curse words and gibberish accompanied by pictures of dogs pooping, you'll know my wife is screaming that she feels like a "Blog Widow" and I should quickly get off the computer.

I'm going to try my best to pick up Hamtackle's slack.  I am planning on revisiting some old characters.  Maybe Your Best Friend Jen or Dick Scustin.  Maybe Glenda Bekk or A Lady's Fancy will make an appearance.  One thing that I know I am going to attempt is another chapter of "Federation Starship USS Hindenburg".  I wrote 3 episodes in my first 3 weeks on Popular Irony.  They are the posts that I am proudest of.  I became intimidated by positive feedback and stopped writing it.  Strange, I know.  We'll see if I can get that one back on the regular.

This isn't a very "Popular Irony" post.  My apologies. Let's see........ Shit Fuck!  Motherfuckers!  Tits squirting shit!  Shit Squirting Tits!  Ball Hammer Buttfucker cunt cock lazy fuck!  A magical puppy wearing a three piece suit rapes a parking attendant.  A dildo that comes to life like Pinocchio.  Trying to shit a whole chicken egg.  Finger banging the willing elderly.  Everything tastes like soup.  Below are pictures of dogs pooping.  See you tomorrow... then the day after that....... then after that...... etc.  I have a full time job and shit to do, ya know.







-

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Wang Dunkin: Extreme Survivalist





I am Wang Dunkin, former US Navy SEAL and survival expert with over thirty years of field experience in some of the most unforgiving environments known to man. I have been in the shit and lived to tell about it, and now I am going to pass some of my life-saving techniques to you today. That is why I have stranded us on this deserted tropical island with nothing but a bag of random assorted survival tools. Knowing how to properly use these tools could mean the difference between a comfortable beach vacation and a slow death.

Let's see whats in my pack for this trip. I have a bamboo fishing rod with thirty feet of line, two fishing hooks, one energy bar, a magnifying glass, one plastic rain poncho, one waterproof match, and fifty feet of paracord. Wow, these are really great survival tools. And in my expert hands we will have all the comforts of civilization in mere hours. Now pay careful attention, friend. What you learn here might save your life some day.

The first thing that any respectable survivalist must do in a dire situation like this is get a fire started. Fire always means the difference between a rotting corpse and comfortable living, let me tell you. Luckily I have everything I need here to start a life-giving fire right away. First, I am going to use the fifty feet of paracord as kindling for the waterproof match... there we go. Now that I have a small fire going I am going to break down this bamboo fishing pole, since bamboo makes some of the best firewood known to man. Don't bother detaching the fishing line, since it is going to be pretty useless without the actual pole. But once you are warm and toasty you will be pretty glad you sacrificed these relatively useless items.

The second rule of survival is finding or building a shelter, since exposure is the leading cause of death when stranded in the wilderness. I guess I am going to have to build my own shelter here and forego the nice big natural cave over at the forest line since I already have my fire going, and anyone worth their salt knows that once you've got a fire you better not disturb it by carrying embers elsewhere. Fire is a fickle beast, and it is best not to tempt it. But the good news is that we have this plastic rain poncho to help keep the weather out!  I am going to prop it up with some sticks to keep out the coming rain, but I will let you in on a secret of the SEALs: to keep the wind from blowing the poncho all over the place you can ventilate it by tearing a bunch of holes in the plastic. See? Now the wind goes right through the poncho, making sure it is perfectly in place to protect us from those dark clouds on the horizon!

Now we just need to put the final piece of the puzzle in place by finding some food to sustain us in this harsh environment. Good thing I have this energy bar, right? I am just going to jam these two fishing hooks in the center of the bar and use it to double or triple the nutritional value by catching some fish with it! We are going to go hunting for rodents in the forest over there, but the energy bar bait can start catching fish right now. I will just toss it in the shallow water here and head off on the hunt, and when we return we are bound to have a nice, big fish dead from eating the hooks just waiting to be cooked on the fire!

One lesser known hunting technique involves the use of a heavy magnifying glass just like this one. Follow me into the forest and I will show you the tried-and-true methods of our primitive ancestors for hunting rodents. What luck! Just over there we have a big, fat rat sitting on a large rock. He isn't suspecting anything, the poor fella. Now taking a life to sustain your own isn't my favorite part of survival, but it has to be done. My fool-proof method of hunting with a magnifying glass is quite simple, just quietly line up your shot... and... THROW THE GLASS!!! ... Shit. The little bastard got away and my glass is shattered into oblivion on the rock. That never happened before. Oh well, there's always the fish that I surely caught back at camp. Let's head back, it's starting to rain.

Okay, part of surviving is dealing with the unsuspected hurdle that nature throws your way. Now don't panic, but it looks like the fire went out while we were out hunting. I guess there were too many holes in the poncho and the rain put it out. Hmmm... and it seems like the energy bar bait is gone. Must have been a really big fish that took it away before succumbing to the pain of the embedded fish hooks. What are the odds?!? I'll be damned, this is the first time I had any difficulty in a survival situation. Usually my top-notch techniques are fail proof. Good thing we still have that cave over there to keep us out of the rain. It's almost certain that there are poisonous snakes in the cave though, but I will show you a little trick with smearing your feces on your body to keep them at bay. Our rescue boat isn't due for three more days now, so let's make the best of it. I've made a career of making mother nature my bitch, and I won't let a few setbacks like these get the better of me. Let's go.





-

Monday, July 9, 2012

Films For Fiends- Schramm: Into The Mind Of A Serial killer




Greetings, readers.  Tonight I present you with another installment of my demented film reviews with a critique of Schramm: Into the mind of a serial killer.  This is yet another german horror flick to make the list, and shares much in common with Nekromantik, including the director, while maintaining a contrast worth mentioning.  It was directed by Jorg Buttgereit back in 1994 and follows the demise of Lothar Schramm, known as “the lipstick killer”.  Instead of focusing on the more gruesome elements of shock cinema this film instead gives attention to the mindset of the killer and his insanity.

The film begins with Lothar, unconscious on the floor of his apartment.  Then we see that he has fallen from a ladder while painting his walls, which are covered in blood from a recent murder.  He answered his door to see a pair of Christian missionaries, who he lets into his home to discuss his salvation.  When he leaves the room to fetch refreshments he returns with a knife, cutting the throat of the man then changing to a hammer to dispatch the screaming woman.  It was while cleaning up after this crime that he lost balance on the ladder due to a prosthetic leg, and fell to his death.

The film then covers the last few weeks of Lothar’s life, including his relationship with a female neighbor that happens to be a prostitute.  He clearly yearns to be with her, masturbating with an inflatable vagina while hearing her servicing a client through the wall.  We learn that Lothar is a taxi driver, and frequently escorts his whore neighbor to some of her “house calls”, where he has insane and detached daydreams waiting for her.  The line between reality and insanity is difficult to define, and we are treated to scenes of Lothar waking up to find his legs freshly severed, and finding a quivering, oozing vagina with teeth in his bed.  His mental state deteriorates even further until we are treated to a scene where he drives several nails through his uncircumcised penis.

And although he kills strangers without batting an eye he is unable or unwilling to kill his prostitute neighbor, even after drugging her in his apartment.  He simply strips her nude and takes pictures before dressing her and tucking her in for the night.  It is shortly after that he takes his fall and bleeds out on the floor, dreaming of a dark figure striking him down in a foggy abyss.  The film ends with a glimpse of his neighbor tied up in a stranger’s home, in dire trouble after Lothar fails to escort her on her last date following his death.

This film is more interesting than many of the shock horror films I have reviewed in this series.  I appreciate that the director elicits sympathy for the killer without giving him any obvious human virtues, but rather by showing the chaos that goes through his mind all day.  Lothar does not seem like a mindless killer, and appears to be almost harmless when he is not furiously battering and stabbing his victims.  The scenes that stick in the viewer’s mind are not images of bloody murder or dismemberment, but of dark and demented fantasies within the killer’s mind.  And while it is short at just over one hour long, it achieves its objective by keeping the viewer from trying to analyze the killer and just observing his madness and personal tragedy.  This one is worth a watch to anyone more interested in the mindset of killers rather than their specific crimes.


-

Sunday, July 8, 2012

Bullfrogs, Chimps and UFC

Last night, I had a few friends over to watch men pummel other men in tights and/or bicycle shorts.  Hamtackle and Sir Chapsworth can't get enough of the mixed martial arts, homo-erotic extravaganza that is UFC.  Personally, I am not entirely interested in UFC but I still agreed to host the shindig.  Vicon showed up with a stack of Little Caesar's, so it was shaping up to be a wonderfully drunken evening.

It was raining pretty hard while we were watching the Tickle-fist competition, so we stepped outside to watch the storm.  I live in an area that does not get too much rain, not to mention torrential downpours.  So It was pretty incredible to see the streets swelling with water.

Suddenly, I saw a large toad hop in my front yard.  I see toads all the time but I still like to look at them.  The rain let up for a moment so I approached the amphibic beast.  Much to my surprise it was not the common toad but an American Bullfrog.  "What the fuck?"  I thought.  I don't live very close to any ponds or streams.  Where did this little fucker come from?


How could this slick skinned critter have ended up in my suburban neighborhood?  Could a tornado have scooped him up and placed him in my yard?  Is this the start of a plague like in the bible?  Was one of my neighbors cursed by a witch?  Could a masturbating chimp have dropped him off once sexually satiated?

Did you ever see that video of the chimp using the frog as a Fleshlight?  Fucking hilarious.


My answer on how this unexpected guest arrived at my house was easy to discover.  Just a search for American Bullfrog on Wikipedia produced the following info.  "On rainy nights, bullfrogs, along with many other amphibians, travel overland, and may be seen in numbers on country roads."
 
I was about to release my moist new friend when he was snatched away by Sir Chapsworth and Hamtackle.  They spent the next few hours watching UFC and sharing their new Fuck Frog.  The frog lived through the night but I don't think he'll ever fully recover.


-

Saturday, July 7, 2012

Hamtackle: Now With 100% Less Wisdom


I had a series of brand new experiences yesterday that I thought I should share with the Popular Irony audience. After dealing with it for years without any trouble, and having perfect dental checkups for years, I had my one and only wisdom tooth surgically removed after noticing a hole in it that quickly grew until a piece broke off. All other teeth are in good condition, and I guess I should consider myself lucky for many reasons since I was only born with one wisdom tooth to begin with, and because although it was virtually inaccessible to my toothbrush I was able to avoid any problems with it until recently. Many of my friends and family have gruesome stories of impacted teeth and the painful horror of the surgical aftermath, but I got through it with just a simple extraction.

But I would like to officially complain about the name "wisdom tooth". What is wise about extra teeth that virtually always need to be removed to prevent life-threatening infection and excruciating pain? A big reason that life expectancy has increased so much in the last couple of centuries is due to advances in tooth extraction, and impacted wisdom teeth were frequently a fatal diagnosis until modern medicine. And since I only had one, what are the implications there? Am I considered to be only 25% as wise as most people? And now that I had it removed am I essentially just a common retard now? Some of my closest friends would say yes. But they are assholes.

The entire process was a greater pain in the ass than it was in the jaw, and that is not a dentist molestation joke. I am pretty sure I am unattractive enough to avoid any anesthesia hanky-panky, but then again I am not sure it would be entirely unwelcome. I'll take what I can get these days. But my brain has been torturing about this process since I decided to have the tooth removed, keeping my already minimal sleep patterns down to under four hours nightly. And it only got worse when I got to the doctor's office when I had to wait for two hours while rudely making sure everyone in the waiting room understood I was not interested in small talk. Then it was my turn.

The doc seemed like a nice enough guy until he made me sign the liability waiver where they explain in detail just how bad the procedure could be, from accidentally breaking your other teeth, to puncturing your sinus and causing a potentially fatal brain abscess. Then I got to appreciate a whole new aspect of being a fatass, the subtle game of "pin the tail on the donkey" that the doctor had to play in order to find a vein in my arms. I got to enjoy five attempts before a successful IV was in place. But once he had it in I felt fine. He said it was the valium.

Next thing I remember was the familiar sensation of a man's hands in my mouth, and everything was over. I felt like I took a punch to the face, but was otherwise alert and feeling well. Now I will get to enjoy my upcoming european vacation without worrying about the ticking time bomb of infection in my mouth, and I get vicodin to boot! But just to show you the level of dedication I have to this blog, I asked to keep the tooth for documentation purposes. Enjoy this image and try to imagine just how disgusting I must be for this to have come out of my head.




-

Friday, July 6, 2012

Tips For Success

I am fucking made of success!
I'm a busy guy.  A real fucking "Go Getter".  I don't have time for bullshit and time wasting.  My life is a constant flow of action followed by great accomplishments.  I am a fucking business dynamo. 

Cook breakfast?  Fuck that shit!  I eat a motherfucking breakfast bar.  Iron my clothes?  Fuck that shit!  Just get it moist and throw it in the dryer for a couple minutes.  Exercise?  Fuck that shit!  I run my exercise tape at double speed and get the workout done in half the time.  Microwave soup?  Fuck that shit!  I chug soup cold from the fucking can. 

Every day, I find  new way to take minutes from the mundane and use them for something that fucking matters.  Just today I found a way to save myself at least 30 seconds a fucking day.  It's fucking brilliant.  I wipe while I shit.  None of that "finish pooping and then wipe", fuck that!  I wipe while i shit.

I got the idea watching my dog drag his ass across the floor.  It looked satisfying as fuck!  I also noticed how delectably clean my dogs anus is.  It is fucking uncanny!  I knew I could incorporate this tactic into my busy, daily life.

What I do is get a large bath towel.  I stand in my empty bath tub, naked.  I squat a bit and wrap the towel under my groin like I am flossing my butt crack and balls.  I push as hard as I fucking can and when I feel the feces started to leave my body, I vigorously rub with the towel, back and forth, back and forth.  The towel grabs the shit and wipes my ass at the same time.  Now you need to rotate the towel lightly with each pass otherwise the poop goes back on your ass.  Less than 20 seconds later, the ass is clean and the towel is not.  Then I just throw that fucking towel away. 

I am a huge fucking success so I can afford to buy all the fucking bath towels I want.  My fucking toilet paper has a higher thread count than your bedsheets.  There are some downsides though.  Pushing that hard tends to rupture blood vessels around my anus.  It causes bleeding and huge hemorrhoids.  That is the price of fucking success. What about the feces on the floor of my bathtub?  I pay a maid for that shit!  I don't have time to push those nuggets through my bathtub drain with my toes!  That is what I pay Svetlana for!

Business business business!!  Success is earned motherfuckers!  Sometimes you gotta put up with bleeding anal ulcers to save a few minutes.  FUCK!  I am late for something important.  Thanks for sapping my fucking time!  You are the reason this country is failing!  Sitting down to poop.....   Fucking bourgeois fucks!!


-