Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Popular Irony Rhyme Time

I've been waiting for weeks
For my body to be complete
I sent money away
And it should arrive today...
IT'S MY COCK! IT'S MY COCK! IT'S MY COCK!

The model was deluxe
It was designed for more fucks
And could go from flaccid and slim
To being filled to the brim...
IT'S MY COCK! IT'S MY COCK! IT'S MY COCK!

I shelled out more cash
So it can fill any gash
And when I put it together
It'll attach to my nethers...
IT'S MY COCK! IT'S MY COCK! IT'S MY COCK!

When the mailman delivered
My insides all quivered
I've been a Ken doll below
But now I am eager to show...
IT'S MY COCK! IT'S MY COCK! IT'S MY COCK!

So I tore open the box
Expecting a king kong size jock
It's contents were disjointed
And I admit I was disappointed...
IT'S MY COCK! IT'S MY COCK! IT'S MY COCK!

It was shriveled and pale
And as thin as a rail
Apparently the caucasian
Was just a repainted asian...
IT'S MY COCK! IT'S MY COCK! IT'S MY COCK!

When I wore it with hair
It seemed barely there
And forget it without
It was a pale small-sized trout...
IT'S MY COCK! IT'S MY COCK! IT'S MY COCK!

If I could send the thing back
I'd probably order a black
It might just be clashing
But decidedly more dashing...
IT'S MY COCK! IT'S MY COCK! IT'S MY COCK!

If I had taken the hint
I'd have read the no-refund print
Now resigned to my shame
I must decide to proclaim...
IT'S MY COCK! IT'S MY COCK! IT'S MY COCK!

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Monday, April 29, 2013

Here is a Gif....That is all. - BOO!

Did I mention that I fucking love the Don Knotts, Tim Conway movie, Private Eyes?  Well, I fucking do.  Watch as Dr. Tart opens Lord Morley's coffin.  BOO!  Did I get you!?  No?  Then fuck you.



That is all....



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Sunday, April 28, 2013

Putin On A Show

Putin wears hello kitty nipple tassels!

Real man NEVER afraid to show tassels!







Even russian horse appreciate fine-quality hello kitty tassels.







Is for protecting nipples while hunting in heavy russian foliage.








Looking beautiful VERY important for masculine russian man.




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Saturday, April 27, 2013

Abomination!!

The egg stirs, cracks, hatches... Rises!!  A new era of suffering and despair bursts forth into our realm.  All because you couldn't keep your legs closed.  Seriously, why do you think that excessively attractive man chose you that night at that truck stop bar over the dozens of  other woman far more appealing than you?  I'll tell you why, that man was an elder beast from beyond the stars and he noticed your perfect egg laying hips.  His unholy star seed would thrive inside your womb.  All it took was a nod and a wink and within minutes, he was burying his thorny meat wand inside of your eager clunge in reeking men's room.

It's hard not to get pregnant by a man-beast that ejaculates in literal gallons.  Fueled by Cheetos and Pepsi, the egg matured quickly.  You thought it was just indigestion from eating at the Taco Bucket, but when you looked into the toilet, a giant feces smeared egg sat quivering in the septic mess.

You cared for it, kept it warm.  You knew it either contained your child or some other delicious animal.  Now it has hatched and your dark motherhood has begun!  It must be strange nursing a baby with a mouth full of grasping tentacles.  You could switch to formula, or you could try feeding him neighborhood children.  They all look so plump and tasty. 

One day the elder beast will return and claim his child.  With the powers of the star-born, he will depose the current celestials and usher in an age of fire and rot.  Until that day, good luck enrolling him in day care.

Awww, he has his father's tentacles.




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Friday, April 26, 2013

Cautious Cockplay

The Usual Suspects



Whether it’s being poked, prodded, slapped, tugged, pulled, yanked, punched, spit on, or laughed at, there are few things that my cock is not up for.  Things that a less sensitive part of my anatomy might consider abuse are welcomed by my magnificently resilient member.  In fact, I have sent it places that even my fingers did not dare to go for fear of contracting some unknown skin condition or unwashable odor.  That is why I decided to give a short but thorough list of the do’s and don’ts of penis ownership.

Firstly I must emphasize that you should never do anything that might damage the skin of the cock.  No piercing or cutting is allowed.  Not many people know this, but if you were to cut of a man’s penis while fully erect he would hip -wield a red lightsaber for roughly ten to twelve seconds before dropping dead from blood loss.  Never forget.  “But could I slam it in a door”  you ask?  Well, that depends on the door.  I would suggest starting with a desk drawer and working  your way up, and always avoid car doors.  Don’t ask why I know.

One of my favorite practices is called “unkinking the hose”.  It is started by tying the dick in a simple knot and unraveling it with the sheer power of your erection.  If you don’t have enough slack to tie a proper knot then I can’t help you here.  Personally I do this with a sturdy half-windsor, or sometimes even with a bow.  This is a normal and healthy practice, but you should stay away from any pervert that suggests that you try any “corking”.  This is the practice of plugging the urethra prior to ejaculation with the purpose of firing a tiny projectile like some sort of miniature qtip cannon.  This is dangerous and unnecessary, which is why it pays so well.  Keep it safe kids.

And that takes us finally to verbal abuse.  Few things stimulate better than a good face to junk argument.  Just remember to keep any racial abuse to a minimum.  I have been to a few abuse sessions that quickly got out of hand when a gentle ribbing escalated to a shouting match, and eventually to some truly offensive hate speech.  And this goes both ways, since we all know how easily a cock can instigate in an argument, turning a normally pleasant participant into a vocally aggressive bigot.  And I am very sensitive to penis-based hate speech, as I am the owner of an african-american penis.  It’s just my choice.

But the possibilities are only limited by your own imagination.  Always be open to new experiences and exciting opportunities, and you will rarely find yourself disappointed.  Unless, or course, your neighbors call the police on you when they see you in the window threatening your penis with a loaded firearm.  Sometimes I take it too far.

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Thursday, April 25, 2013

Avian Parenting Taxidermy

There is not a single type of creature more majestic than birds.  I mean just look at them.  Feathers, beaks, flight, backwards knees, they are big buckets of fucking awesome.  It's too bad that I am terrified of live birds.  I hear that they aim for the fucking eyes!  What the fuck!?

It's hard sporting a rigid bird boner and not being able to own one, feed them in the park or view them in zoos.  The only kind of birds I can enjoy are dead ones.  Recently, I visited a Natural History Museum with the sole intent of photographing my favorite stuffed beasts.


First we have a large bird called the Gargantuicken and it's tiny birdlings.  Birdettes?  Chunkins?..... peeps.. no....um... CHICKS!  That's it, baby birds are chicks!  Just look at their adorable stuffed carcases.


Next up is the rock dwelling ocean bird, the Rumpadumps.... Well, looky there.... If you look close you can see Rumpadump chicks!  I wonder if the museum killed the chicks themselves for this display or if they waited around the Rumpadump cliffs waiting for them to die.  I bet they are delicious.


This is a Grey Park Bird.  I see them in the park sometimes from my apartment window.  Terrifying!  From the looks of it, this Grey Park Bird has also pooped out some chicks.  Nice work, mama Grey Park Bird!  Well, maybe not too nice of work.  They are all dead.


I think these are called Click Clacks.  It is my understanding that baby Click Clacks are prized for their gallbladder.  I hear it's real good for boners.  Too bad this one is full of sawdust.  I could really use a good dick thickener.


Ah, the majestic Birdjamin Buttons.  These birds are simply amazing!  They age backwards just like Brad Pitt in that terrible movie.  Look at the proud, fluffy white parents admiring their newborn.  That baby better go get some food for it's parents.  Mama and dada have aged out of their flying stage.  Nothing but eggshells and oblivion awaits them.


What's that there?  It's the bird that McDonalds butchers to make the Filet o' Fish, being trailed by it's brood of tiny McNuggets.  


 Can you hear the lonesome cry of the Royal Crested Cockneck?  It's terrible.  It sounds like someone farting into a an unwilling elderly woman's mouth.  Well, isn't this a coincidence, it's got itself some dead babies too! 



 Feast your eyes on nature's most hideous infant.  The Sleek Shitstack.  Just looking at it makes me happy that it is dead.  Those dead parents have to pretend that they love that mess.  What deluded assholes.


Last but not least is the sworn enemy of the Gargantuicken, the Enormuck.  If I understand my history correctly... In Jesus times the Enormuck was saddled and ridden into battle by the Jesuses during the crusades.  They fought the Jewishes who rode the Gargantuickens.  When horses were invented, people stopped riding birds altogether.  The giant birds, free from their masters, continued their own feathered wars that still continue to this day.  These display Enormucks were probably murdered in their sleep by sneaky Gargantuickens.  Such war crimes...

Until next time!


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Wednesday, April 24, 2013

Dr. Seuss Presents: False Flag!




“They did it on purpose!  They’ve come for our freedom!  And if we don’t fight to protect them, we’ll have to concede them!”


The man went on shouting, his audience entranced.  If they decided to believe him, they’d sure shit their pants.  Perched on his soapbox he commenced to his ranting, foaming and spitting, with canine-like panting.


“The government spooks have now shown their true faces, with all their resources being put through their paces!  

The CIA, FBI, and even the Navy!  A free-thinking public could only spoil the gravy!  

It started out small, healthcare draining our coffers!  Now they will win this dark war since we’ve turned into paupers!”


He was winning them over as their doubt was relaxed.  Maybe he knew something more, besides no one liked the new tax!


“Now we have got Aurora and Newtown, coincidence you say?  It’s manufactured convenience, reason to take guns away!  

Twelve shot in a theater, one kid killed twenty-six?  Do they think we are stupid?  Can you not smell the clear fix?  

It was government lackeys with training to kill, not some troubled young people who were mentally ill!”


Even the skeptics were turning, their conversion was nearing...  And the faithful among them began chanting and cheering!


“Now the bombing in Boston, civil war has begun!  And no one is safe, they’ll destroy everyone!  

Next it’s the Big Apple, L.A, and every city between!  The fight will be brutal!  DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS?!

WE TAKE ACTION!  A NEW FLAG, UNDER COMMANDER GLENN BECK!  NOW OUT TO THE STREETS!  WE’VE GOT A NATION TO WRECK!”


The crowd now behind him, he started his riot.  But to the outside observer, it all seemed so quiet... For all his screaming and shouting, and conspiratorial tone,  The man looked quite pathetic, marching alone.

.

New YOUTUBE Shows! Coming Soon!

Hamtackle and Terlet have been hard at work on a brand new series of YOUTUBE SHOWS!!  Below are two new intros to two new shows!  F**k The Beast and Discount Amateur Surgery.  These are a bit rough, but I think they are gorgeous.  Stop sniffing your fingers and get to watchin'!

video



video




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Monday, April 22, 2013

How To Toss A Salad




Tossing salad is an art, and it takes dedication and a gentle nature to do it properly.  Many people are hesitant to try salad tossing at home because they are afraid it will become a messy chore, but if done properly a salad can be tossed with little necessary cleanup, leaving you with a satisfied feeling.





First choose your lettuce.  It must be fresh and showing minimal signs of wilting, and in order for you to find it palatable in the end, must be washed by hand first.  Do this in advance, as nothing kills the mood like a break in the action for the purposes of basic hygiene.





Next it’s time to get to chopping.  Don’t think this is skipping the foreplay, because it isn’t.  The chopping is only the start of the action, I assure you.  Your aim is to lubricate the salad with a little oil, and loosen it up for the upcoming fondling.  There is nothing less appetizing than a dry, dusty salad tossing.  Get liberal with the drizzle and get that salad in manageable sections so nothing is neglected.  You are going to need to get into every nook and cranny to treat this salad proper.







Now you need to be willing to get your hands dirty.  Some people might get a little squeamish on this step, but you will need to soldier on.  You know what you were in for when you signed up for some salad tossing.  To make sure everything gets mixed up properly you will need to toss for about three to four minutes, or until the salad begs you to stop, which ever comes first.  Just remember to maintain eye contact, and as always, when tossing a salad you will need to remember to cup the bowls.






Now that the salad has had its fun, you get your turn.  Dress that salad with everything you’ve got.  Some say you should always dress your salad before tossing it, but that is not the gentleman’s way.  A good tosser knows that the salad always get’s its end first.  And besides, you are going to be all tuckered out once the dressing sprays its last drop, so get all the hard work done first.

And that, my friends, is how you properly toss a salad.


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Sunday, April 21, 2013

Here is a Gif....That is all. - A Fox Eating A Nome

I love Terry Pratchett.  This gif is from a stop motion movie from one of his books, "Truckers".  It is part of the Nome trilogy.  I know what you are thinking, smart-ass.  I don't know how to spell Gnomes.  Well, these aren't Gnomes, asshole, these are Nomes, so shut your fucking fucking judgmental mouth.


 


That is all....



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Saturday, April 20, 2013

'Twas The Night Before 420


Twas the night before 420, when all through the city,
A bomber was hiding, in a boat that was shitty.
He laid all alone in a blood and piss soaked bed,
Scared that the SWAT team would soon make him dead.

The country was watching, wondering where he could be,
In devilish anticipation of a death on TV.
When one lucky smoker found some blood in his yard,
He ran to his phone, and the FEDS came down hard.

They showed they meant business, and fired some rounds,
Then listened to him whimper, and other pathetic sounds.
It dragged on for hours, and the kid seemed to be screwed,
Then the cops got him to surrender, with the promise of food.

The people were cheering, the terrorist beaten and dragged,
Then taken to the hospital, where he was treated and tagged.
He would get no miranda, probably suffer more beating,
But no one would care, he deserved even worse treating!

The media vultures arrived, circling overhead,
Eager for news, on if the killer was dead.
But the doctors worked hard, to make sure he kept breathing,
Because if the man died, the public’s rage would be seething!

"We want torture! Interrogation! and a televised trial!
And we hope he pleads not guilty, so the show lasts awhile!
To Gitmo he goes, after we’re done in the courts!
For more humiliation and torture, even a raping of sorts!"

And after our bloodlust, and the media circus,
Islamophobia would be stronger, with public burnings of burkas.
And America remains undefeated, foiling another terrorist plot
But who fucking cares?  Let’s just smoke some more pot.


Happy 420!

Friday, April 19, 2013

Beardo

Hi, it's me, Beardo.  You know, Beardo!  I'm that portly guy at your work that wears shorts and a t-shirt year round.  Come on, you see me every day playing hacky sack while I am on break.  Did you notice how all of my friends are wearing winter coats and gloves?  HA!  Not me, t-shirt and shorts, baby, t-shirt and shorts.

What's that?  No, I'm not cold at all.  I am totally tough and cool.  In fact, I consider myself "The Coolest Guy at Work".  I don't see anybody else kicking ass in shorts and a t-shirt when the temp is the teens.  Hellz no, just me. ..... Why yes, these are the same shorts everyday...... Hmmmm?  Well, who needs to own more than two t-shirts, really? 

I can totally tell that people are jealous of how cool I look.  They wish they could be me but they can't brave the cold like a real man, like me.  It is so obvious that my female co-workers want to pork me.  I mean, who wouldn't, right?  ..... What's that?  .... Well no, I haven't "Bed" any of my female coworkers......Yet!  I think they are just too intimidated by my manly beard that is the same length as my balding head hair.  Only one attachment needed for my clippers, and yes, the curtains match the carpet.

Well, I'm going to get a little more hacky sacking in before my break is over.  Where are my friends?  Those losers said it was "too cold" today.  Wussies.  ... What's that?  Why yes, that is frozen saliva on my beard.  It looks bad-ass right?  Your eyes say no but my chapped skin says "Yes"......  OK, bye then...



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Thursday, April 18, 2013

AOU Kansas City Campus



Here at Abstinence Only University we apply the concepts embraced by Missouri public schools to provide the nation's first sociologically and scientifically hostile higher learning environment. If accepted, you scholarly experience begins with the mandatory wool and burlap uniforms and luxurious segregated dormitories, where you will enjoy a living space bereft of sexual temptation. But it doesn't stop there! We offer some of the most wholesome theologian-approved curriculum available in the bible belt!

Come join "professor" Diane Watkins as she explains the economic concepts of supply and demand through the lens of fundamental and righteous gender inequality. Learn how a woman's inherent lack of intellectual aptitude drives the world economy and how Jesus calls for male dominance to ensure fruitful capitalist prosperity until the second coming!

Discover how touching your genitals for any reason other than bathing could be responsible for the decline and eventual collapse of the American empire, just as it was for the historic doomed empires of the Ottomans and Romans! And take in the refreshing historical teachings that show us how personal sexual shame can benefit human civilization for generations to come at one of our acclaimed* lectures by notable author Norman Gregory.

Or is social studies more your thing? Perhaps you could sign up for Sociology 101 with Dr. Spencer Watson and experience the worldwide revolution in feminine empowerment by the adoption of ancient cultural traditions in the middle east, where fashion designers are "taking back the burkha" and making it a symbol of pride for western women today!

And for the inquisitive child in all of us there is a robust curriculum of natural science courses to demonstrate divine wrath for those that presume to understand the ways of God through observation of dangerous chemical reactions and exposure to radioactivity. Come learn how viewing the heavens through a telescope is the moral equivalent of a peeping tom staring lustfully through the keyhole of God's creation, and how piety can lead to intellectual truth!

So take the plunge and join us in training a new generation to fill America's future businesses with an army of righteous businessmen, politicians, and technicians that have an understanding grounded in respect for God's natural law, and steeped in a deep personal sexual shame. Our supporters are touting us as "A heavy-handed approach to integrating theological dogma into secular teachings" and "A dangerous regression into fostering contempt for scientific advancement."  Degree not included.

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Wednesday, April 17, 2013

F**k The Beast is coming soon!!

Continuing our proud tradition of widely beloved, Minecraft Youtube Videos, we present a brand new show!!  F*<k The Beast is coming soon!  That's right, it's your old pals Hamtackle and Terlet playing the Minecraft modpack, Feed The Beast!  Fuck me sideways, this is exciting news! 

Keep your eyes on this website or visit our Youtube page.....



F*<k you soon!!


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Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Here is a Gif....That is all. - Bravestarr Shaman

Aw shit, yeah!  Shamans got your back Bravestarr!  Keep fighting Tex Hex and his band of outlaws!  Your planet is a desert hellscape and your cartoon sucked, but still, Yeeha!!




That is all...



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Monday, April 15, 2013

Diary of a Degenerate 35


Nearly a half hour passed before I heard the sound of heavy boots pounding the stairs outside the door.  The brutish man was back with a cell phone and leather gloves on.  It seems he didn’t think I was going to be able to come up with the money, and he was prepared to finish me off.  Following close behind him was the little girl translator, no doubt tagging along to make sure I didn’t try anything stupid.  But the joke was on them.  Not only had my family disowned me long ago, but I never really had friends.  Especially not friends with the means to save my ass right now.  If I needed drugs or booze then maybe... but not money.

He handed me the phone and I reached out and took it from him, an ancient flip phone from some mexican prepaid phone service, and pawed at the number pad with my broken fingers with utter futility.  “Can you dial for me?”  I asked the little girl, and she walked over with that same level of chilling confidence she had when she told me all about my dubious fate a short time ago.  As soon as she was within arm’s length I had her.

I stood up with ease with a kicking and screaming child in my hands, hands that showed much more strength than even I thought I had.  The look in the man’s eyes was priceless.  Not long ago I couldn’t even stand, let alone leap to my feet.  He was amazed that I was no longer restrained, the bindings dropping to the floor.  My broken hands had easily slipped through the cord he used to tie me up, the only upside to the agonizing beating he gave me.  When I grabbed the child by the throat she stopped struggling.  I was one quick motion away from snapping her neck and she knew it.

“Tell him to bring me some clothes and all the money you took from me.  And a gun.”  I loosened my grip on her neck so she could mutter the words to him.  He shook his head at me and I smiled.  Then I slipped the fingernail of my left index finger into the girl’s eye socket and punctured the orbit.  I am not sure which I heard loudest, her shrieks or the wailing of her father as he dropped to his knees.  The sensation of her wet eyelid gripping my finger like a miniature vagina turned my stomach slightly and made me cough.  If they had fed me anything in the past day I might have thrown up right then and there, but I held eye contact with the man as he regained his feet, sobbing.  “And tequila”  I added, moving my gore-stained finger to the girl’s other eye.  I heard him scramble back up the stairs.  He would either return with a fierce resolve to kill me, or to appease me.  Either way it would end now.

Sunday, April 14, 2013

Hack Slash $#*! - Episode 12

Hamtackle, Terlet and shaven-man Sir Chapsworth are back at the Hack Slash and back at the booze.  You are sure to be offended on this episode of Hack Slash $#*!!




The seed used for this world is - Turdcutalia

Music by Kevin MacLeod  http://incompetech.com/music/royalty-free/



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Saturday, April 13, 2013

Hack Slash $#*! - Episode 11

Hamtackle, Terlet and soapy sponge attendant Sir Chapsworh are back with more Hack Slash!  The conversation centers around Thalidomide babies and people afflicted with the R word.  Yup.... Continued Classiness.....




The seed used for this world is - Turdcutalia

Music by Kevin MacLeod  http://incompetech.com/music/royalty-free/



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Friday, April 12, 2013

Vir Cotto is a Badass

I just finished watching the epic space opera, Babylon 5, for the 4th time.  I give it a viewing every couple of years.  Even though much of the special effects aren't that special and a couple of the actors are utterly unbearable, it is still one of the best written shows out there.  Well, at least four out of the five seasons are well written.  Season 5 is a fucking mess.  I thought I would celebrate with a clip of my favorite moment in the show.

Vir Cotto never liked Mr. Morden.  Early in Season 2, Vir let Mr. Morden know exactly how he feels about him.  Prophetically, at the end of Season 4, Vir epically delivers.  Watch the clip and you'll get it.  Vir Cotto is a fucking badass.......  Wait, is that Flounder from Animal House?






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Thursday, April 11, 2013

Dump Diary

Saturday, April 6

I was able to sleep in an hour later than normal due to shifting work commitments, and the extra time brewed a steamer in me that condemned an office restroom for two hours. I had eaten spicy chili the night before, and knew the resulting squit (squishy shit) would be epic due to the potency of minor farts I had been laying since early morning. Smell rates a full 5.0, size about a 4.4 (roughly seven inches of bratwurst diameter shit), cleanup was about 2.0 due to a welcome upsplash that lent a bidet effect.

 

Sunday, April 7

I usually try to reserve my most plentiful dumps for Sundays, mostly because I can take my time in the comfort of my own bathroom. Today was an excellent example of this as I produced a crap that could be best described as "pornographic" in terms of its size, and gave me the impression that I would fare well in a prison rape scenario. Size must be rated a one time only 10.0, given that it appears this shit started near my tonsils. Smell was weak at 1.0, and cleanup was a difficult 4.5, mostly due to the copious plunging required.

 

Monday, April 8

There was no dumping to be had this day, and I walked about bow-legged like a cowboy after a long cattle drive due to the previous day's evacuation. Luckily I was not required to go into work as it was my day off, so I sat alone in the dark with my appropriate shame.

 

Tuesday, April 9

I nearly left work today after battling through the first four hours of my day with bi-hourly bouts of the shotgun shits. The pressure built up to excruciating levels until hard-packed pellets of poo ricocheted audibly off the porcelain beneath me. Size is hard to register, as the dense pellets sunk like bullets below the visible bottom of the toilet bowl. Scent was completely absent, and cleanup was effortless. It was almost like I didn't shit at all, except for the soreness in my bowels.

 

Wednesday, April 10

The dry density of the previous day's shitting was compensated for with the oily discharge that made its way into the very fabric of my underpants today. I was faced with the decision to either go home to change or to abandon all hope of comfort and go commando. I chose the latter, discarding my boxers in the trashcan for the nice mexican lady to find when she came to clean the facilities. The application of a paper towel "cork" prevented me from soiling my work trousers. Size is registered at a 0, since it was all fluid. Stench was strong with this one, a solid 4.0, and cleanup was off the scale, since the greenish tint and unruly greasiness caused me to jettison my drawers.

 

I will be back soon with further details on my crapping habits. It will keep you at the edge of your toilet seats!

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Hack Slash $#*! - Episode 10

In this very special episode of Hack Slash $#*!, Hamtackle, Terlet and long pork connoisseur Sir Chapsworth discuss non-consensual intercourse excessively.  We are introduced to the horrible Zelda and inventory screens! Inverntory screens!  Inventory screens!  All this and lots more on this episode of Hack Slash!




The seed used for this world is - Turdcutalia

Music by Kevin MacLeod  http://incompetech.com/music/royalty-free/



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Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Technical Difficulties

As our loyal fans may have noticed, Popular Irony was down for 4 entire days.  Terrible, I know.  Hamtackle and Terlet have not missed a day of blogging in almost 2 years.  Our streak has been stomped into the pavement like a kitten in Japanese porn.  That's what I get for changing our domain registrar.  Also, big thanks to the technical support team, it only took 4 days for you to look at my ticket.  Immediate response my ass.

Fear not, friends.  We are back and the same as ever.  We've got some great projects in the works and maybe, just maybe, we will actually commit to one of them.  Either way, the podcast is coming.  Hamtackle, Terlet, Sir Chapsworth and an unnamed 4th are gearing up their talking holes for some filthy fun.  Master Bastard is on it's way and I'm sure it will be as warmly received as everything else posted on this site.


Until next time, thanks for reading!  Now back to your regularly scheduled dick hammering.



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Thursday, April 4, 2013

The Tale Of Tommycunt


Some men are born.  And other men are made.  This is a tale of the latter, a gent that was born with the name Heidi but earned his masculinity in a trial so fierce few of us “natural men” would be able to follow.

You see, being born a woman is a mixed bag, at best.  If you are lucky enough to be sexually attractive you might find it to be easy going until old age, if you come out average you will still find love but then face the suffering of childbirth.  But if you are born repugnant, well... you might as well be a man.  

Heidi was born to bavarian farmers that were paired up out of convenience, since both were burly outcasts that couldn’t find love elsewhere, and that poor stock went through a filter during pregnancy that separated all the good from the bad and spit out a quivering pile of disgusting which became Heidi.  Based on the full mustache she bore at birth the doctor was quick to declare her a boy, but a glance at the undercarriage confirmed the awful truth.  Far from a man, but equally far from a woman, Heidi was a new and shameful breed.

She lived through her early years in a confused state, obsessed with cars and athletics she didn’t fit in with the other girls, and her imposing six and a half foot frame kept the boys at bay too.  And in a lonely world a child lives in their dreams, and Heidi dreamt big.  She wanted to be Heidi no more.  The only way to feel free was to become a man, but how?  Even the boys in her village were too wimpy for her, and she found herself shaving twice daily, even putting her father’s beard to shame!  So not any penis would do.  She needed something more.  She needed a guncock.

There were many items left over from the war in her home town, mostly nazi relics, but some allied gear as well.  And when she laid eyes on a tommy gun for the first time she became obsessed.  The length of the barrel, the shine of the fine american steel, it was a cock fit for a king!  So she began to learn a gunsmith’s trade, and soon mastered the art of manipulating metal for the purposes of wartime destruction.  Heidi quickly realized that she outgrew her home town, and could only earn her new identity in a foreign land, so she settled on the place that developed the object of her obsession, America: the home of the thompson submachine gun.  

Upon arriving on the shores of the USA Heidi wasted little time assuming a male identity, carried out expertly by virtue of a solid mustache and deep, booming voice.  But to be complete she would need to take the final step.  It took months to find a doctor with the skills necessary to graft skin to steel, but a disbarred and disgraced plastic surgeon-turned-mechanic ultimately made her dreams come true through a sixteen hour procedure that would have killed any normal man.  But Heidi was no normal man... she was TOMMYCUNT!

So if you ever happen to find yourself using a urinal next to a massive blond man with a thick bavarian accent, try to take a peek at what he is holding.  You might be in the shadow of the ultimate in masculinity, the one they call Tommycunt.  Just make sure you don’t get caught looking.  You might find yourself staring down her barrel at a .45 slug.


Behold!

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Wednesday, April 3, 2013

Hack Slash $#*! - Episode 9

Just when you thought you could get enough, it's time for more Hack Slash!  This sexcentric episode features many private moments from our dear pals Hamtackle, Terlet and salty sea captain Sir Chapsworth.  Be thrilled by Chap's prolapse story!  Be amazed by Hamtackle's opinion of the ideal breasts!  Tit talk and more on this episode of Hack Slash $#*!!




The seed used for this world is - Turdcutalia

Music by Kevin MacLeod  http://incompetech.com/music/royalty-free/



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Tuesday, April 2, 2013

Here is a Gif....That is all. - I'm a Zit!

Good old Animal House.  One wonders what might have happened if John Belushi had lived and played Peter Venkman in Ghostbusters...... Or for that matter Chris Farley as Shrek and the Cable Guy instead of Mike Myers and Jim Carey.  Those things were supposed to happen.  Tom Selleck was supposed to be Indiana Jones.  He's not dead, but I bet he wished he was after turning that role down.




That is all...



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Monday, April 1, 2013

Get An E-Bortion Today!




The internet is a wonderful world of anonymous tomfoolery where we can enjoy our most uninhibited and poorly thought out whims without any fear of judgement or retribution.  And although looking back at the brain child of days past might be good for a laugh, sometimes that child comes back to haunt us personally or professionally.

Are you trying to impress a special someone and don’t want them to find that sheister porn video to show up a hit #1 in a google search under your name?  Or maybe you want to hide your involvement in an infamous online holocaust-denying community from a prospective employer.  Perhaps your status as “NAMBLA recruiting officer of the decade” is not going to win you any votes in an upcoming political election.  So what is a person to do?

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So why live life in the shadow of a socially-unacceptable online past of debauchery and indulgence?  Just visit us at our innocuous and seemingly benign homepage of www.foodfinderspalace.com for a rundown of our services and a quick and easy price quote.  There’s no awkward clinic visits peppered by protestors, nearly zero risk of post-procedural infection, and a very low rate of consumer regret and subsequent crippling depression.  So get your E-Bortion today!

Just remember, we can get rid of your facebook profiles, tweet history, or blog publishing past, but make sure you want it done and buried, because there’s nothing as final as an E-Bortion.  Call us now and mention this advertisement for a free one on one consultation!

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