Sunday, June 30, 2013

Discount Amateur Surgery - Episode 17

Doctor Hamtackle twiddles his meaty knuckles and fumbles through a double kidney, ambulance mode transplant.  As usual, the doctor can't finish the job and requires the gorgeous Nurse Terlet to step in and show him how it's done.  It's Surgeon Simulator 2013, done right...... Drunk.

Music by Kevin MacLeod


Goddammit, I don't wanna!


Friday, June 28, 2013

Discount Amateur Surgery - Episode 16

Nurse Terlet is back at the Ambulance mode heart surgery.  Dr. Hamtackle is wrong, as usual.  It's Surgeon Simulator 2013, done right...... Drunk.

Music by Kevin MacLeod


Thursday, June 27, 2013

Diary of a Degenerate 37

I was awake now, but couldn’t open my eyes.  The lids were welded together by some biological glue, and with the dull burning in the back of my head I could tell I had been sleeping for quite some time.  I reached toward my face to open my eyes and pawed at my face with a massive bandage that covered my hands.  Someone said something in spanish and I immediately felt euphoric and dumb, and sank back into blackness.

There was light this time.  My eyes had been freed from their sleepy cage and I could make out some shapes in the brightness.  “Mister, you have been in a horrible accident.  Don’t try to get up, you will feel better in a few minutes.” somebody said to me in a thick mexican accent.  I tried to answer, but all that came out was a wheezing and coughing that seemed to come from my throat.  A hand reached across me from behind and adjusted a tube coming from below my chin, a strange sensation.  A pulling feeling that started at my core.  I could sense some spittle pouring from the corner of my mouth, but when I tried to lick it away I realized there was no tongue.  Or teeth.  But I didn’t care.  Good drugs, whatever they were.

An hour or so later I came to realize the pile of shit I was in.  They tried to be easy on me, breaking the news that I barely survived a car crash and subsequent suicide attempt, but I had no tears to give anymore.  I lost everything back in the desert when I left Vanessa to rot on the bed of a honeymoon suite.  My hands were both badly broken, with one finger amputated on my left.  Most of my teeth and tongue had been blown through a hole in the back of my head, a hole that was now packed with gauze.  They said the tube in my throat was needed for me to breathe normally, that the pressure in my mouth could disrupt the dressings and lead to a possibly fatal infection.  Fuck them for saving me, I kept thinking.  If only I had aimed higher, maybe under the chin, this nightmare would be over.

I was certain that they had amputated my legs, too, but I could see a lumpy form under the blankets.  For the first few hours I was sure that I already was fitted for prosthetic legs until they told me I was paralyzed. I am so fucking stupid.  Through the glass at the end of the bed I could see two uniformed policemen guarding the door.  Mexican policemen.  And without legs, hands, or any way to communicate, I was at their mercy.  I couldn’t write for them with my crippled hands, and trying to lip-synch words to  someone that barely speaks english is tough enough, but trying to do it with swollen, burned lips and no tongue is impossible.  They could tell I was frustrated, and one doctor went into another room to get a keyboard.  He pointed at the keys until I nodded, patiently writing down the letters.

O-D M-E.  D-I-E N-O-W.

It took a while for them to figure it out.  They smiled and shared a laugh and then emptied the room.  I wonder where they send mute paraplegic murderers in this country?



Wednesday, June 26, 2013

F**K THE BEAST - Episode 9

Hamtackle and Terlet are growing up and moving out of the brothel!  Their castle is open and empty and ready to be filled with goodness.  Storage is discussed and argued over.

Music by Kevin MacLeod


Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Master Bastard #5 - Casper the Naked Meth Head

Mutant Dogs!  Enlarges Clitorisss!  Car Chases!  Rattlesnake Moped!  Craziness in Casper!  Naked Meth Head!  Raging at the VA!  Turkey Bitch Slap!  Muscle Midgets!  Dying Alone!  Canine Self Cannibalization!  Camping with the In-Laws!  All this and more on an extra rambley episode of Master Bastard!  Continued classiness....

Some music by Kevin MacLeod


Sunday, June 23, 2013

Drunker Than Light - Episode 18

It's a disappointing, lonely end for Terlet's run on the USS Grayskull.  Out of fuel and out of missiles, Hamtackle encourages Terlet's downward spiral into suicide.  Drunker Than Light, Youtube's premiere FTL drinking game.

Music by Kevin MacLeod


Podcast Pics

Hey folks, me and them boys just finished recording a couple more episodes of the Master Bastard Podcast!  Boy am I drunk and sleepy.  With 4 episodes released, I felt it was time for a new logo.  I am still not sure which one to use.  Let's see...

This is the first one I made.  I spent about ten minutes on some old pic and threw some photoshop filters on.  I must say, it is spectacular.

Here is the new one.  I think it is artsy and spiffy. 

Well, there you have it folks.  Time to black out for a few hours.  Why don't you listen to the podcast and leave us a 5 star review on Itunes?  Huh, why not, asshole?


Friday, June 21, 2013

Discount Amateur Surgery - Episode 15

It's Hamtackle's turn for some double kidney Ambulance Mode Action!  Nurse Terlet drinks and taunts our beloved Doctor.  It's Surgeon Simulator 2013, done right...... Drunk.

Music by Kevin MacLeod


Thursday, June 20, 2013

What I Think About You

Hey, internet. It's Hamtackle here. I just wanted to take a few moments to be completely honest with you at one of my weakest moments. The lucky few that are already acquainted with me know that I have mild insomnia, and in the past two nights I managed three hours of sleep two nights ago and zero last night. And I currently have my alarm set to go off in seven hours and I don't have high hopes for getting much needed rest tonight, either.


In my admittedly delusional state I have decided to throw a few basic observations and blanket judgements about you. Not just those of you I have met, but all of you.


Firstly, far too few of you are attractive enough to bother turning my head to make eye contact with. And before you say "But Hamtackle, YOU are just a miserable, ugly fatass yourself!" let me stop you there. This isn't about me, so get your fucking foot off of my soapbox. Anymore, the only people who get my attention are the freakishly obese or disabled, the people that you just know are going to hurt themselves or others at any moment, and I don't want to miss the action.


And the minority that are attractive are only worth looking at, not engaging in any kind of meaningful conversation. I work at a facility with nearly 700 other individuals and the statistically insignificant amount of physically pleasant-looking people are the types that they invented sporks for. They are too dumb to be trusted with anything sharp enough to cause significant injury. So if you consider yourself smart, you are repulsive. And if you consider yourself attractive, you are stupid. And self-absorbed/vain.


And for those that I might encounter one day and regrettably make momentary eye contact with, if I smile at you there is a 100% chance that I already hate you. A smile is my way of dismissing you from further interaction. This should be made more obvious by my immediate effort to find something at hand to pay attention to, thus assuring you will walk away without so much as verbal pleasantries.


So please leave me alone, unless you notice I am actively on fire, in which case I would appreciate a liberal splash of gasoline to put us both out of my misery. Now that I have this off my chest I am going to try to sleep. I have a team of fourteen people to supervise tomorrow, and it is going to take a significant amount of personal effort to maintain the ruse that I don't secretly wish to receive a phone call some day explaining that they will not be returning to work due to personal heartbreak, tragedy, or demise at the hands of ritual-driven urban neo-cannibals.


Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Master Bastard #4 - Seeking Stanhope

Terlet, Ramtang, Sir Chapsworth and Hamtackle carpool together to a Doug Stanhope show!  It's the first Master Bastard Road Trip!  Sound quality is sacrificed for the sake of poop stories.  Plus, a Doug Stanhope Master Bastard plug!  Continued classiness....
Some music by Kevin MacLeod


F**K THE BEAST - Episode 8

Safely home from their boring trip to the nether, Hamtackle builds a huge furnace and Terlet wanders aimlessly. Continued classiness....

Music by Kevin MacLeod


Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Laurie The Ordinary Clown

Laurie the ordinary clown looked down over the railing on her balcony into her neighbor's kiddie pool full of picked assholes and cocktail olives. She was faced with the simple truth that she was a living failure. In a world filled with crazy, wild, and unique clowns she was decidedly regular, a normal person surrounded by abstract fools.


She didn't even have a clown name. Only Laurie.


In school the other clown children laughed at her when she actually ate her pies at lunch instead of throwing them at the other students. And when she graduated they mocked her as she took up accounting at the family circus firm. Accounting was for the mentally disabled clowns, not a twenty-one year old clown college graduate.


She couldn't find any dates, because the boy clowns didn't like a girl who didn't wear makeup or giant shoes. And her figure was average and regular, not freakishly fat or thin, like the rest of the clowns. She didn't fart or fall down stairs on purpose. When she cried there was no theatrical wailing, no projectile tears comically arching over her twisted face, just a hunched sadness and rhythmic sobbing.


She tried to be a proper clown.


One time she wore her underwear on her head, but they didn't laugh. At her brother's wedding she drank a full glass of pig piss, but they seemed disgusted. Maybe she didn't have what it takes to be strange and funny. So she decided the last laugh could be her final act. A suicide worth laughing at.


So she got a giant balloon. And a helium tank. And two hundred feet of plastic tubing. After spending four days slowly working the balloon into her colon, inch by inch, until it was fully insider her, she attached the plastic tubing to the tank nozzle and climbed onto her roof.


"Come one, come all! It's a sight to behold! The most hilarious demise, pure comedy gold!"


She shouted so loudly that her neighbors all came to take in the sight, soon they lined the streets and cheered her on. When the nozzle was turned she grew immediately bloated, her eyes pushing from her sockets, her pants splitting and guts spraying from her exposed buttocks. She grew airborne, ever more spherical, a giant bloody balloon of wasted human life.


But no one was laughing. No one was crying. In fact, no one was even there. Because Laurie the ordinary clown was inside her one bedroom apartment. She wasn't a clown. She wasn't named Laurie. She was actually a he. Gerald was a data entry specialist and part-time bus driver in Maine, and the balloon was a noose tied to the ceiling fan in his living room.

Take insanity seriously, you callous fuck.




Monday, June 17, 2013

Putin Your Best Foot Forward

Vladmir Putin makes great effort for softening of public image!

Putin not only most excellent leader, but also is adventuring archeaologist making amazing discovery every day!

Of course Putin love all the children.  And the children in return very much love Putin!

Russia is amazing land of wilderness beauty, and father Putin makes personal care of animals!

Powerful man does not mean cannot be sensitive.  Putin has empathy for all suffering in the world!

No man can resist warm love of adorable puppy.  Before teach killing techniques hugging puppy is acceptable behavior!


Sunday, June 16, 2013

Drunker Than Light - Episode 17

It's part 3 of Terlet's run on the USS Grayskull. Terlet is drunk and struggling and Hamntackle, as usual, is no help at all. Drunker Than Light, Youtube's premiere FTL drinking game.

Music by Kevin MacLeod



Fuck.  I was very busy today and forgot to post.  In lieu of a post with actual content and quality, here is a fence post.  Fuck.



Friday, June 14, 2013

Discount Amateur Surgery - Episode 14

It's time for Ambulance Mode!  Nurse Terlet struggles through a heart surgery in a speeding ambulance.  Doctor Hamtackle provides unhelpful advice.  It's Surgeon Simulator 2013, done right...... Drunk.

Music by Kevin MacLeod


Thursday, June 13, 2013

Doug Stanhope Makes The Funny


Tonight the whole Master Bastard crew went out for a group man-date to see national treasure Doug Stanhope in a shitty tinderbox fire hazard comedy club. And it was amazing. You wont get much out of me tonight, so I figured I would share the signed poster Sir Chapsworth so generously gave to the group to commemorate the occasion, and offer some out of context punchlines from the show. Enjoy!


"It looked like a cyclops winking in the rain, a single milky teardrop running down the taint"


"Any pure race is fucking hideous. Seriously, what is the name of your favorite aboriginal porn actress?"


"She took it in the ass like YOU would if you didn't know it was coming!"


"She had one of those stereroid man-clits that stuck out like a clam neck"


"I jizzed some clumpy, yellow old man cum that disn't even make it past my knuckle"


And there were so many more. If you ever get a chance to get offended by him in person, I would highly advise taking it. He is a very gracious and diminutive man, and kindly answered Terlet's request to give our podcast a quick radio spot. For free! Details to come on an upcoming Master Bastard podcast!


Wednesday, June 12, 2013

F**K THE BEAST - Episode 7

Hamtackle and Terlet dive back into the Nether and search for a Nether Fortress.  Wandering, swearing, digging, arguing and battling Blazes.  Continued classiness....

Music by Kevin MacLeod


Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Master Bastard #3

Hamtackle spins a yarn about a homeless, dog faced employee. Terlet talks about piping hot toilet seats and insults every mother.  Ramtang discusses the worst day of his life and Sir Chapsworth gets far too drunk.  There is also a spirited round of Cards Against Humanity.  Classiness ensues....
Some music by Kevin MacLeod


Monday, June 10, 2013

Vagina Appreciation Day!

Hey everybody!  Whoa, it’s already June 10th, isn’t it?  Time to show your appreciation for the mother organ that we spilled out of one sloppy birthday years ago!  Everyone loves vaginas, from the newborn that called it their home, to the filthy old man that can’t wait to visit one again someday.  Even gay people love them!  Some gay guys wish they had them, and lesbians, well... no one loves them more than they do!  From the moment men are born to their last dying breath we are thinking about them.  So let’s all take a moment to see just how much vaginas have influenced our culture all these years!

Vaginas are our food!  Just look at this luscious cut of beef.  Just grill that puppy up and drizzle some A-1 sauce on the labia and you have yourself one delicious meal!  Do you think the visual appeal of the vagina wasn’t considered when the butcher put this cut out for sale?  Get real.  The cunty cuts always sell the fastest!

And after a long day of sweaty work down at the factory there is nothing like taking a quick snooze on the couch.  The vagina couch that is!  Every time you fall asleep on it you wake up with you face jammed in those meaty lips.  This couch sells like hot cakes, and even comes in a waterproof version.  Pleasant dreams, sleepy head!

And a few months ago I took a dream cruise to the beautiful glaciers of Alaska.  And after braving the cold winds and the high seas I took this gorgeous shot of mother nature’s vagina!  It just goes to show you.  Even in the coldest corners of the world there is a little familiar warmth for those willing to look for it!

And what do you get when you throw hundreds of millions of dollars at an architect and tell him to make the most visually appealing stadium ever known?  This homage to woman, the Chinese pussy center, affectionately known as the VaChina Bowl.

But don’t forget what this day is all about.  Appreciating the vaginas in your life.  So take a few moments to get on your knees, face to face, and tell it how much you appreciate it.  And while you’re at it, take a picture with grandma’s.  You’ll be happy you did when it isn’t around anymore.


Sunday, June 9, 2013

Drunker Than Light - Episode 16

It's part 2 of Terlet's turn captaining the USS Grayskull.  Hamtackle is there as usual, taunting our hero captain.  Drunker Than Light, Youtube's premiere FTL drinking game.

Music by Kevin MacLeod


Saturday, June 8, 2013

Why do you think you don't love me?

Excelsior!  It's finally time for another Popular Irony original song!!  This is the ultimate love song.  Hang on tight to your hips because they can't help but thrust.  Why do you think you don't love me?


Friday, June 7, 2013

Discount Amateur Surgery - Episode 13

It's Nurse Terlet's very first Brain Surgery!  Doctor Hamtackle sits back in awe as Nurse Terlet expertly scoops skull jelly.  It's Surgeon Simulator 2013, done right...... Drunk.

Music by Kevin MacLeod

Malpractice at its finest.


Thursday, June 6, 2013

Trolling Omegle

I wanted to see just how far I could get into an awkward conversation on the anonymous chat website, Omegle. The answer is... Not very far.


First fail. Of many.



Getting closer...



They can only take so much.


Well, that's about enough fun for tonight, folks. I have to go. Someone is knocking on my door REAL hard. It might be an emergency or something.




Wednesday, June 5, 2013

F**K THE BEAST - Episode 6

Hamtackle and Terlet take a trek to the Nether.  Glowstone, arguing and boredom.  Continued classiness....

Music by Kevin MacLeod


Tuesday, June 4, 2013

Master Bastard #2

Hamtackle, Terlet, Sir Chapsworth and Ramtang are back and making their mothers proud!  Tempers are raging and conversations are disgusting.  We talk about filthy man parts and lady holes.  We also say terrible things about people we used to know.  Classiness ensues....
Some music by Kevin MacLeod


Monday, June 3, 2013

The Filthy Five: Cult Films

Greetings, fellow filth fanatics.  I, Hamtackle, have decided to start a new segment on Popular Irony, the filthy five.  In it I will provide a list of five strange, offensive, or shocking things in popular culture.  I begin this segment with a list of five cult vengeance films that are superbly fucked up, and therefore are excellent for this venue.  The films are listed in no particular order, as they are all so very wrong in their own way.

5.) Dead Man’s Shoes

This film is all about an older brother to a mentally retarded boy that goes off to serve in the military, and leaves his brother alone.  He has always been his younger brother’s protector, but while he is away a group of criminals and drug dealers take him under their wing.  He serves as their personal mascot and plaything, subjected to horrible torments and ridicule.  When his big bro returns from the army, there is hell to pay.  Highlight:  When big bro doses one of his brother’s tormentors with a buttload of LSD and tortures him.

4.) The Proposition

I love modern westerns, and this one is great.  It takes place in the 1800’s in the australian outback, and follows Charlie, the middle brother in a three-man family gang that is raping and murdering their way across the desert.  Charlie’s older brother is a psychopath and a sadist, and his younger brother is a simpleton and a soft-hearted boy who is mostly along for the ride.  When Charlie and his younger brother are captured he is presented with a proposition.  Either find and kill your older brother, or watch your younger brother hanged.  Highlight:  This is the only film that features a rape scene in which the rapist sings a beautiful rendition of “danny boy” while in the act.  On Christmas day, no less.

3.) 13 Tzameti

This is a french film that is presented in black and white.  The protagonist is a laborer that works for an anonymous old man who lives in a beautiful house.  He discovers the secret to the old man’s wealth when he dies suddenly while the boy is working, and uncovers a letter that features a time an a location, with no other directions.  The boy decides to take his chances, and ends up an unwilling participant in a competitive game chance with fatal outcomes.  Needless to say, his life takes an exciting turn for the worst.  Highlight:  When the protagonist first appears at the location of the competition and receives a t-shirt with the number “13” written in thick black ink, then walks into a room with two men facing each other, guns pointed at each other's heads, with a bare lightbulb dangling between them.

2.) Freeway

Some films are so brilliantly shocking that they can never be mainstream, but are interesting enough to draw big names to appear in the cast.  This film stars Reese Witherspoon and Keifer Sutherland, and is a modern retelling of little red riding hood.  Keifer is the big bad wolf, a serial killer that picks up young hitchhiking women to rape and murder.  Reese is little red riding hood herself, a streetwise girl that show the wolf that sometimes the prey can bite back.  Highlight:  When little red riding hood has the tables turned, and mocks the disfigured wolf.  “Well, look who got beat with the ugly stick!”

1.) Oldboy

Some of the finest works in shock cinema is coming out of south korea these days.  If you haven’t watched Oldboy, then you are missing out so badly that I pity you.  The main character is a degenerate drunk, and a horrible father.  One day he is abducted from the streets during a rainstorm and spends the next 15 years imprisoned in an apartment without windows, his only link to the outside world in the form of a television set.  One day a gas cloud floods his room, and when he awakens he is on the roof of a building with one mission- to find out why he was imprisoned, and who did it to him.  Highlight: When Oh Dae Su finally corners one of the men responsible for his suffering, and questions him by tearing out his teeth one-by-one with a claw hammer.


Sunday, June 2, 2013

Drunker Than Light - Episode 15

It's Terlet's turn to Captain!  How long can he keep the USS Grayskull intact?  How drunk will he get?  How much shitty advice will Hamtackle spew?  Drunker Than Light, Youtube's premiere FTL drinking game.

Music by Kevin MacLeod


Saturday, June 1, 2013

Hack Slash $#*! - Episode 17

Hamtackle, Terlet and professional knuckle dancer, Sir Chapsworth, argue their way through another Hack Slash! Cowardice is accused and friendships are tested.  Continued classiness...

Music by Kevin MacLeod