Saturday, December 31, 2011
Friday, December 30, 2011
Our first example of the healing power of the mustache is the Pulitzer Prize-winning photo of General Nguyễn Ngọc Loan executing Nguyễn Văn Lém. Holy shit that is a horrific photo. It gave many Americans a negative view on the Vietnam war. But if you throw a mustache on there, suddenly it's just two drinking buddies having a good time. HA HA! I GOT YOUR MUSTACHE!
|I got your mustache!|
Mustaches can make even the strangely, odd historical moments even more memorable. Especially when that mustache is accompanied by accessories. Maybe if George Bush had manned it up a bit with a magical mustache and a sophistication disguise, the Iraqi guerrilla fighters might have taken "Mission Accomplished" seriously and not increased the insurgency.
|Now that is a mustache that I can trust!|
AAAAAHHHH!!! NOOOO!! FULL FACE TRANSPLANT!! FULL FACE TRANSPLANT!! This spaniard received the worlds 1st full face transplant after a "Gun Accident" lost him the use of his face. Even with his new face he looks like a melted wax dummy. Good thing I equipped him with a curly tipped mustache. Mustaches are magic handsome machines. Take a look, I'd fuck him.
|That is one fine mustache!|
In certain situations a mustache can save your life. If only JonBenet Ramsey had a sweet, slim, John Waters mustache. I bet you anything she would still be alive today. Most pedophiles don't like to choke-rape a child who is staring back at them with their own mustache. Major boner killer.
So why not take my advice and get some hair growing on that upper lip. Can't grow a mustache? Modern science has developed many varieties of "simulated mustaches". They may be fake but the security and happiness they provide are real. But don't overdue it! Sometimes a mustache can get out of control. Take Hitler for example. That tiny square mustache caused more destruction that any mustache before it. That is why it has been internationally banned. Go ahead and look for it, you'll never see anyone wearing it. And if you do see someone wearing it, you'll probably end up fucking them. It is that powerful of a mustache. So please, mustache safely my friends!
-Stache up bitches.
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
The other day Hamtackle posted a hilarious "comic strip" about rape. I thought that making a comic strip looked super fun! lo and behold, I made one. I am expecting the nation's remaining newspapers to be circulating it soon enough. So enjoy "Popular Irony - The Comic Strip #1", Glenda Bekk and Dick Scustin discuss dinner etiquette.
|Popular Irony - The Comic Strip #1 - Click for a larger version|
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
To be continued...
Monday, December 26, 2011
Sunday, December 25, 2011
|Father Dunson Gramalazzo|
As I was saying, after Svetlana attached my new eyebrow, we still had decent amount of that sweet smelling glue. One thing led to another and I ended up losing an eye. The doctor says I'm lucky the stiletto heel didn't puncture my brain. It feels like my eye-socket is full of ever-crawling fire ants. But I don't want to bore you with my problems, it's fucking Christmas. I'd rather bore you with somebody else's problems. Look at all of you sitting there, thinking you know what the fuck Christmas is all about. Well hold onto your fucking scalps because I'm about to blow your fucking minds.
So a couple thousand years ago Jesus was born, died, was resurrected and then ascended into the sky or something. Well, little does everybody know, he never ascended, he stayed on earth. Oh, he was supposed to fly away and wait for the apocalypse in heaven. But, as you my have guessed, heaven is fucking boring. Jesus preferred life on earth. So after Jesus was resurrected, which is a completely different, Three Stooges like story, he stood in front of his 11 apostles. Jesus, who spent a brief stint in a stolen time machine, (again another story) had a secret stockpile of top grade fireworks.
Jesus lit the fuse, and told his apostles that he was about to ascend to heaven. The apostles waited with bated breath. The fireworks exploded into showers of multicolored sparks for several minutes. The apostles, completely distracted by the Godly magic, did not see Jesus calmly walking away. He has spent the centuries wandering the earth, living different lives.
Now that is not the fucked up part. Jesus is immortal, but he still ages. 1 Jesus year is equivalent to 50 human years. He has aged about 40 years in the last couple of centuries and is currently in his early seventies. But that is still not the fucked up part. The fucked up part is Santa Claus is real and he is Jesus.
I can tell by the look on your faces that you don't believe me. Well listen up fuckheads! Have you ever seen a little show by the name of Doctor Who, what about it's spinoff, Torchwood? Ah, I see a few hands, excellent. There is a character in those shows called Captain Jack Harkness. Harkness is a time traveling, bisexual from the 51st century. Due to some cosmic bullshit, he became a fixed point in time, which pretty much means immortal. You can shoot him in the face and he will die, but a few hours later his head regrows and he wakes up. He also slowly ages over the centuries. The BBC used an abandoned investigative report on Jesus as the template for the character of Harkness.
So Jesus has existed long enough to grow into an obese senior citizen. He has become a little senile and a lot crazy over the centuries. Jesus is an extremely powerful magical being, that coupled with his senility has created some interesting results. The myth of Santa Claus started when a slightly delirious Jesus wanted to thank all the good Christians in the world on his birthday. He bewitched some reindeer and with the help of his elven slaves, created gifts for every person. Using magic and other bullshit, Jesus spent several decades sneaking presents into his followers homes. Early on, he was spotted quite frequently. He was always dressed in red with a thick, white beard. Jesus didn't want people to think it was weird that he was giving gifts on his birthday, so he always said they were from an alias, "Santa Claus". Fucked up, I know.
As the decades passed, Jesus' sanity faded as well. Most of his elves died of neglect and exposure. In the 21st century, he has been reduced to an elderly, magical, home invader. He rarely leaves presents anymore, and if he does, they normally contain feces. He gets into your refrigerator and eats whatever he wants. He poops.... constantly. It has been said that he has "exploded" several families that were roused by his aimless shamblings inside their homes on Christmas eve. So for the love of Santa, people, if you hear somebody going through your shit on Christmas, DON'T INVESTIGATE. Senile Santa Jesus will blow you and your children the fuck up with his magical fucking fingers.
If you think it's bad now, I wonder what he will be like in the distant future. There is probably a reason he was supposed to wait in heaven for the apocalypse. Probably because the apocalypse is not due to happen for several million years. Christmas in the distant future may have a terrifyingly different Santa Claus. An insane bag of flesh vomiting magic fire across the globe? A quivering, reaking lich? A tickling monster that won't take no for an answer? Getting old is a bitch.
Oh and kids, the Santas in the mall is not Jesus, those are hobos.
|Jesus "Jack Harknessed" into Santa Claus|
Saturday, December 24, 2011
Sometimes, we at Popular Irony like to take a break from the incessant vulgarity and bullshit we spew on a daily basis and do something nice. Today I have provided my own dramatic reading of "Twas the Night Before Christmas". Mostly because it is literally the night before Christmas. I don't really feel like writing a filthy story or making a stupid video. I've had a few drinks and I am ready to watch a few episodes of Deep Space 9. (How the fuck is Sisko gonna get outta this one??)
Why not go and forcefully wake up the kids, drag them downstairs and have them repeatedly listen to this holiday treasure. Why not make them stay awake until they complete an essay on the poem? They are getting stupid as shit on the Christmas holiday from school and would benefit from some aggressively instructed academical immersion. I am sure that they will agree that this is possibly greatest reading of that old fucking poem, EVER!
So strap in and enjoy Terlet's stupid, old man voice reading "Twas the Night Before Christmas"
Auto erotic asphyxiation can be an exciting and satisfying release that, if done correctly, can be accomplished with little difficulty or danger. The practice originates from the struggles of the ancient caveman as they copulated in the harsh environments of times past. Back then the protocol for lovemaking was quite rough by the standards of a modern society, and greatly resembles rape. An ancient human would judge the health of their mate during coitus by the vigor with which they fought back. Because of this ancestral custom, modern humans receive a heightened sense of pleasure from the act of choking. The practice is not entirely without risk, however. If one is left without breath for too long they can quickly descend into unconsciousness, and this has led to the deaths of many great and powerful lovers, although usually while engaging in the activity alone. This was never an issue in caveman lovemaking, as unconsciousness just invited the victor to either complete the act uncontested, or to escape, depending on the gender of the winner.
This is why much care should be taken before attempting this new and dangerous endeavor. First rule of AEA is to never attempt this alone. The act was never intended to be a solo procedure, and unless you want to be selected out of the genepool in embarrassing fashion, avoid it. Your backup does not have to be a sexual partner, although it can heighten the pleasure of the experience, and can be used to grow trust and closeness in a relationship. If selecting a trusted friend, keep one simple tip in mind before making an invitation: If you wouldn’t trust the person to spot you in the gym, don’t ask them to spot you in the bedroom. Physical strength is a premium in the characteristics of an ideal backup. And don’t be selfish. Remember to offer a reciprocal turn in the choker, and be as involved and vigilant as your backup was. And it should be unnecessary to say, but make sure you have no unsettled arguments with your spotter, and be willing to trust them with your life, since that is what you will be doing.
Preparation should be given thorough detailed attention. This can be the most important step, as most AEA adventurists fall to improperly prepared ligatures. If you used to be a boyscout, then now is your time to shine. You need a variable tension slipknot with a safety switch. When you pull the loose end you drop to the floor, into the protective embrace of your spotter. If you begin to either lose vision or see floating spots, pull the cord. The tendency of the greedy masturbator is to finish at any cost, but pulling early will not only ensure a safe environment, but will heighten the experience once you are able to resume.
Please keep this brief tutorial in mind before attempting any self-endangering masturbatory pursuits, and may your towels always be soiled. Be diligent in your prep work and partner selections, and avoid cameras of any kind. The idea of watching a homemade porn starring yourself sounds great until you decide to run for political office in the republican party. Just ask Herman Cain.
Thursday, December 22, 2011
|Dr. Desmond Morales|
Nyeupe Mtoto Krismasi Mnyama is Swahili for "White Baby Christmas Beast". Supposedly, every Christmas a Caucasian infant dressed in an expensive red suit, sneaks into your house and circumcises the wicked (children and adults, men and women) with his rusty machete. The infant is extremely agile, sometimes running along the ceiling, always spitting curses.
The belief in the White Baby Christmas Beast is scattered throughout the African continent. There are many ways to ward off the Beast. It only attacks the wicked, so be good for goodness sake. Some tribes will burn homosexuals in hopes of appeasing and deterring the white beast. It is easy to determine if someone is homosexual, it's all in the eyes.
Other societys outright hunt the Beast on Christmas, many armed with machetes or AK-47s. Many times it is thought that that neighboring tribe is harboring the Beast. One of the primary causes of war on the African continent is attempts to locate and slaughter the Beast. Many villages have been completely wiped out in the futile search for this mythical Christmas monster.
|White Baby Christmas Beast|
Again, everyone has their in individual interpretations of the White Baby Christmas Beast. It is not always a negative portrayal. Some say that if you catch and have sex with the Beast that it will cure your AIDS. This has lead to many international, cultural misunderstandings........ and raped babies.
Whether it be a red suit wearing, genital-mutilating demon or a magical, rapable, baby leprechaun. The White Baby Christmas Beast is definitely in a Christmas creature league of it's own.
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Person recently diagnosed with cancer:
- Electric razor
- Lifetime membership to ANYTHING
- Geiger counter
- An hourglass
- "Bucket List" themed stationary
- A subscription to the Westboro Baptist Church newsletter
- Ableware 725120000 Bathroom Anus Stimulator ($67.48 on Amazon)
- Narrow bicycle seat
- A pedometer
- A ladder
- 10 year paid membership to e-harmony
- Any length of rope
- Airplane tickets
- A bike
- Industrial size baby powder
- "Adopt a starving child" sponsorship
- One shoe (tasteless diabetes joke)
- City bus pass
- New hairnet and latex gloves
- Carton of cigarettes
- Tattoo removal voucher
- Resumé writing service
- Planned Parenthood brochure
- Extra large novelty underwear
- Victoria's Secret gift card
So just remember to be a little more thoughtful the next time you go shopping for your diverse group of friends. After all, it's the thought that counts, and you almost let everyone know you are an asshole by giving an inappropriate gift. You can thank Popular Irony later for this faux pas prevention post!
|The Ableware 725120000, since you're curious.|
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Monday, December 19, 2011
|North Korea meat is best!|
|North Korea paper is best!|
|North Korea fish is best!|
|North Korea jam is best!|
So before you join your friends or coworkers in ridiculing the fallen icon, just remember how great and influential Kim Jong Il became, and mourn the loss of a great leader.
Sunday, December 18, 2011
Saturday, December 17, 2011
"My darling daughter... I am so sorry... The truth is that I am beside myself with shame! I can't live with it anymore... I can never apologize enough for what I did to you... No father should ever...."
Friday, December 16, 2011
Hey there you, I love you, I love you,
Hey there you, I love you, I love you,
Hey there you, you look really good, you do,
You look really good, you do,
I love you , I love you
Hey there you, you look really good, you do,
You look really good, you do,
I love you , I love you
And now... Imp of Color
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
This unlabeled box could contain anything. It could be from my college days or even from my recent move. Let's see what we got.
Ah.... It is quite an assortment of shit. Some old, some new. My wife must have combined several "shit boxes" creating one almighty Motherfucking Box of Shit!
Let's see we have......
1 Shake Weight DVD for Men
1 Shake Weight DVD for Women
1 Large Orange Battery Powered Fridge Magnet Gear
2 Large Red Fridge Magnet Gears
1 Mini Chalkboard Eraser
1 Tiny Stuffed Monkey on a String Tied To a Stick
1 Paper Dream Productions Comics Bookmark
2 Large Green Fridge Magnet Marble Ramps
4 Small Gray Fridge Magnet Gears
2 Swivel Cup Fridge Magnet Marble ramps
9 Wooden Sculpture Tools
1 Paper Envelope Stuffed With Unmarked Dirty DVDs and CDs
3 Medium Green Fridge Magnet Gears
1 6' Gray Telephone Cord
1 12' Green Telephone Cord
1 Small Paintbrush
1 Drywall Portrait Hook
1 Hanging Plant Hook
1 Fridge Magnet Marble Holder
2 Medium Blue Fridge Magnet Gears
1 Empty Green DVD Jewel Case
1 5" ACE Comb
1/2 Roll of Scotch Tape
1 Catering Business Card
1 Jar Tattoo Ointment
1 Boyz II Men Cassette Tape "CooleyHigh Harmony"
1 Plastic Back to a Digital Clock (my wife has been looking for this)
1 Leather Case Containing Glasses With My Current Prescription
1 Tiny Egg laying Rubber Chicken Keychain
1 Soiled Bumper Sticker
1 Cassette Tape "Harpin' It Easy" Harmonica Instruction
1 Plastic Buddha Statue
1 Cassette Tape "The Beavis and Butthead Experience"
3 Tickets To A Scum City Avengers Concert
1 Old Glasses Prescription
12 Printed Wikipedia Pages "List of Cryptids"
2 Car Keys for a GM
1 Folder of My College Comic Strips
1 Wooden Hawaii Surfboard Fridge Magnet
1 Tiny Scenic Painting Fridge Magnet
1 Guggenheim Museum Fridge Magnet
1 Automatic Outlet Timer
1 Ceramic Wind Chime
4 Small Black Fridge Magnet Gears
1 Chiropractor Business Card
2 Medium Fridge Magnet Marble Ramps
1 Invitation To a Baby Shower With a Small Metal Dream Catcher Pin Attached
1 Portion of an Unknown Video Game System Cable
1 Post It Note With "TSHIRT IDEA - BODY BY BACON"
1 Deck of Marvel Comics Playing Cards
1 Florida Fridge Magnet
2 Curvy Fridge Magnet Marble Ramps
1 2$ Bill
1 Boba Fett Mandalorian Symbol Iron On Patch
1 Mouth Harp
1 Small Glasses Cleaning Cloth
1 Verizon Wireless Installation CD for a Phone I No Longer Own
1 Unmarked Orange Swipe Card With Barcode
1 Small Piece of Wood With "Hawaii" written on it
1 C + C Music Factory Cassette Tape "Gonna Make You Sweat"
1 Swirly Dispenser Chute Fridge Magnet Marble Ramp
1 Phone # for "Arica"
1 Florida Scuba Dive Instructor Business Card
1 Thermometer In a Wooden Tube
1 Label For a Dickies Shirt
1 Red Ticket #353296
1 Commie Self Adhesive Mustache and Beard Set
1 Kohl's Coupon Mailer
1 Phone # for Muffler Repair
1 Crumpled Note Instructing Me To "Empty The Dishwasher"
1 Rusty Cast Iron Railroad Spike
1 Battery Powered Robot Crab Toy
2 Wooden Coins "Pat" and "Front"
11 White Marbles
1 Blue Mardi Gras Beads
1 Green Mardi Gras Beads
1 Purple Mardi Gras Beads
1 Butterscotch Candy
1 10" x 1" Styrofoam Stick
1 Bunch of Pipe Cleaners
1 Pen Without a Cap
1 Old AAA Card
1 SD Card
1 Progressive Insurance Card
1 Large Yellow Fridge Magnet Gear
1 Broken XBOX Earpiece
1 Large Paper Clip
1 Small Cereal Box Star Trek Flashlight
1 Old Checkbook
1 2" x 3" Adhesive Bandage
1 Blister Pack of Gum With 2 Pieces Remaining
1 Empty Plastic Sandwich Bag With "Banana Kush Mix 1/4" Written On It
1 4" Piece of Electrical Tape Coated in Birdseed and Cat Hair
2 Small White Magnets
1 Wooden Toothpick
1 Small Hair Clip
1 Empty Picture Frame
1 DVD Collection of "Deadtime Stories" 10 Movies on 5 Double Sided DVDs that Hamtackle gave to me for Christmas years ago. The best is "Night Train to Terror". God and the Devil play chess while a bunch of 80's aerobics instructors make a shitty dance video on a train. It has a great song lyric "Everybody's got something to do, everybody but you".
I Kept a few items, as you can see. As for the rest? It's back to the box!! One day I will dig it out again and rummage through it's piles of dusty, useless memories.
I can hear you saying to yourself "But Terlet! Shouldn't you at least throw away that filthy piece of electrical tape?!?" To that I say "FUCK YOU, I NEED IT!! MIND YOUR OWN FUCKING BUSINESS!!"
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Monday, December 12, 2011
Sunday, December 11, 2011
Saturday, December 10, 2011
Friday, December 9, 2011
Thursday, December 8, 2011
|Dr. Desmond Morales|
The Korowai are a small tribe of people from southeastern Papua. It is commonly thought that they were an undiscovered tribe until 1970. Little do people know, in 1932 a small group of missionaries became lost in the vast jungles of Papua. They eventually encountered the Korowai people. The Korowai were wary at first, but soon warmed up to the missionaries and their delicious food.
During the following weeks the missionaries and the Korrowai were able to establish a crude dialogue. The missionaries began their biblical teachings much to the confusion of the Korowai.
The weeks leading up to Christmas were full of stories of Jesus Christ and Santa Claus. Sally Masterbilt, one of the missionaries, was from New York and was infatuated with the American Santa Claus. She spoke very fast and constantly to any villager that would listen. The Korowai became very confused by the little that they understood from the visitors.
On Christmas eve, Sally told the villagers that Santa was coming that night and tomorrow was Jesus' birthday. The villagers broke into a panic all of the villagers taking up spears and shouting. The missionaries were corralled and ritualistically executed by the Korowai.
The meat was stripped from the Sally's bones and a crude statue was erected. They clothed the statue in red feathers and created a wispy, white feather beard. Every year, around Christmas, the Korowai repair their bone sculpture and replace the suit of feathers.
In 1982, Anthropologist Stacey Hunt, asked the Korowai about the strange totem. It seems that the Korowai misunderstood the stories that were told to them by the missionaries. They thought that Jesus and Santa were mortal enemies and they had to choose a side in the battle or be destroyed by God. When Sally Masterbilt said that Santa was coming to the village, the Korowai knew they had to decide.
The Korowai chose to fight under the banner of Santa Claus. The Korowai were amazed by his ability to fly and his omnipotence. They dressed the bones of a follower of Jesus like Santa as a ward to fend off Jesus. Every Christmas, the Korowai sit with eyes full of fear, spears in hand, waiting for the year when Santa forsakes them and Jesus finally comes.
|Santa Bones hates Jesus.|
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
|FDR, aka "Poppa" to the ladies|
|Hirohito and his sexually unsatisfied wife|
Without the true facts about the feud between FDR and Hirohito the world media assumed that the attack was a preemptive strike designed to cripple the American Navy, thus preventing it from complicating the Japanese advance on Malaya and the Dutch East Indies. In reality this was a hastily designed battle born in the heat of passion, and against the urging of Japan's military strategists. The following day America declared war on Japan and single handedly beat back the Nazi advance across Europe (you're welcome, France!)
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
|Dr. Desmond Morales|
Libya - Muammar Gaddafi ruled Libya with an iron fist for over 42 years. He may have been a strict ruler but he also loved attention. Gaddafi did lots of things for attention, bombings, wearing flashy clothes, having female body guards with huge breasts and not least of all, taking the role of "Gaddafi Claus" every Christmas. Now Gaddafi was a Sunni Muslim but he was a cheap whore for any type of attention. Gaddafi watched countless hours of western media, so he knew all about Santa Claus. He wished to capture some of that holiday magic for himself.
Every Christmas Eve, every Libyan TV station has played one television show "Happy Christmas Gaddafi Claus!". Gaddafi, with a shabbily glued-on beard and Santa hat, hosted a rambling 7 hour variety show. It mostly consists of dancing Libyan children and midgets dressed as elves while Gaddafi gives speech after disjointed speech. During the 7 hour period Gaddafi Claus would, on average, consume over 200 candy canes. Between almost every sentence he would interject an awkward "HO HO HO" while talking about how he has been watching everyone all year and he knows who has been naughty and who has been nice. This seemingly innocent story terrified his citizens more than any of his intentional fear mongering ever could.
Suddenly, at the 6 hour mark, there would always be some huge western pop star. Last year it was Janet Jackson. They are paid a large amount of money to come to Libya and sing a Christmas Carol that Gaddafi himself wrote entitled "Gaddafi Claus Is The Most Handsome". Roughly translated, it goes....
|Gaddafi Claus is the most handsome.|