Friday, December 30, 2011

Mustaches make everything OK

Everyday, terrible things happen to countless people.  Horrible travesties besiege the globe.  Not even the innocent are spared from the innumerable catastrophes culling the human population.  If only there was a way to make everything OK.  Generation after generation people have sought ways to lighten the impact of the horrific, to soften the blow of the gut wrenching.  Well seek no further for I have found the cure to the worlds ills.  It is so simple, that it is brilliant.  Hidden in plain site, the motherfucking MUSTACHE!! 

Our first example of the healing power of the mustache is the Pulitzer Prize-winning photo of General Nguyễn Ngọc Loan executing Nguyễn Văn Lém.  Holy shit that is a horrific photo.  It gave many Americans a negative view on the Vietnam war.  But if you throw a mustache on there, suddenly it's just two drinking buddies having a good time.  HA HA!  I GOT YOUR MUSTACHE!
I got your mustache!

Mustaches can make even the strangely, odd historical moments even more memorable.  Especially when that mustache is accompanied by accessories.  Maybe if George Bush had manned it up a bit with a magical mustache and a sophistication disguise, the Iraqi guerrilla fighters might have taken "Mission Accomplished" seriously and not increased the insurgency. 

Now that is a mustache that I can trust!

AAAAAHHHH!!!  NOOOO!! FULL FACE TRANSPLANT!! FULL FACE TRANSPLANT!!  This spaniard received the worlds 1st full face transplant after a "Gun Accident" lost him the use of his face.  Even with his new face he looks like a melted wax dummy.  Good thing I equipped him with a curly tipped mustache.  Mustaches are magic handsome machines.  Take a look, I'd fuck him.

That is one fine mustache!

In certain situations a mustache can save your life.  If only JonBenet Ramsey had a sweet, slim, John Waters mustache.  I bet you anything she would still be alive today. Most pedophiles don't like to choke-rape a child who is staring back at them with their own mustache.  Major boner killer.

JonBenet Waters

So why not take my advice and get some hair growing on that upper lip.  Can't grow a mustache?  Modern science has developed many varieties of "simulated mustaches".  They may be fake but the security and happiness they provide are real.   But don't overdue it!  Sometimes a mustache can get out of control.  Take Hitler for example.  That tiny square mustache caused more destruction that any mustache before it.  That is why it has been internationally banned.  Go ahead and look for it, you'll never see anyone wearing it.  And if you do see someone wearing it, you'll probably end up fucking them.  It is that powerful of a mustache.  So please, mustache safely my friends!

-Stache up bitches.

1 comment:

  1. Your pro-mustache position ignores the underlying evil that they inspire. Ask yourself, what do Adolph Hitler and Joseph Stalin have in common? Unique mustaches.