Saturday, December 3, 2011

Masturbation Enthusiast Monthly vol. 4

Maturbators of the world unite!  Let us shrug off the shame that society tells us we should have and reveal ourselves to our friends, family, and even employers.  Our expressed mission is to normalize the practice of autoeroticism and allow for it's integration into accepted everyday life.  Tonight we examine masturbatory practices in the animal kingdom, induct another member of the Masturbation Hall of Fame, and enjoy another installment of diff'rent strokes!

Animals Need Self-Love Too

Clever Girl...
Everyone knows that monkeys masturbate frantically at every opportunity, but there are a few species that partake in our mutual hobby that may surprise you.  And in the case of non-primates there can be some seriously impressive displays of determination and ingenuity.  

For example, the common goat has been observed taking the penis into it's mouth, and manipulating itself to the point of orgasm.  This self fellatio is the holy grail of masturbation, and something we all aspire to.  This also has contributed to the Christian belief of the cloven-hoofed goat as a vessel of Satan. 

And consider the female wild ferret, an animal that must masturbate to relieve illness in cases of unsuccessful mating seasons.  When in heat, the female ferret can become quite ill if unable to attract a male to complete the procreative process.  She remains isolated in her nest until resigned to the failure of her mating efforts, at which time she may venture a short distance outside to gather a small smooth stone which she will rub against, thus relieving her of her biological need to mate.  Quite ingenious.

But to find a masturbatory equal within the animal kingdom we must look to one of our closest relatives, the orangutan.  This creature has displayed an application of it's tool-making prowess that is very human indeed.  They are able to use pieces of wood and bark to fashion a low tech dildo, and use them with great enthusiasm.  And when one of these devices has it's effectiveness proven by it's creator, it is often lent to other orangutans in the group.  This is likely the birthplace of social cohesion within the primate world, and certainly an expression of true friendship.

Masturbation Hall of Fame Inductee

Jocelyn Elders- Tonight we honor the former US Surgeon General as one of the most influential masturbators in modern memory.  How could we forget this pioneer for social acceptance of masturbation?  She is perhaps best known for her unfortunate firing as Surgeon General by former President Bill Clinton, who terminated her after she advocated the teaching of masturbation to youth as a means to prevent riskier forms of sexual activity and reduce the occurrence of AIDS worldwide.  In hindsight it seems quite hypocritical for one of the most famously oversexed politicians in known history to chastise Dr. Elders, but we can only assume he shuns masturbation and prefers to get his pleasure directly from the horse's mouth (sorry, Monica).  So for her efforts to normalize masturbation, we hereby induct you into the Masturbation Hall of Fame!

Diff'rent Strokes!

The Penile Pincushion- There are so many penis torture techniques to explore that we have a difficult time getting them all represented in this section, but please keep sending your suggestion email to .  This method was sent to us by Nathan Portis of Flint, MI.  He writes "I use this technique once each month, and use the time between to heal properly.  Anyone who has ejaculated through an impaled banana would understand the intense sensation that keeps me coming back!  Not for the squeamish, but not nearly as painful as one might think, just remember to sterilize the needles.  Thanks Popular Irony!"

Burning Passion- This method is a pyromaniac's dream.  Just insert a match into the urethra as demonstrated, light the match, then gently massage the prostate to completion.  The threat of imminent pain heightens the pleasure of the process, and the more adventurous masturbator can push the limits of their tolerance.  Be careful not to burn all the way to the point of insertion, as a burning matchstick might be lost down the trunk leading to a difficult-to-explain visit to the emergency room. 

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