Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Popular Irony Presents: The Truth About Pearl Harbor

FDR, aka "Poppa" to the ladies
Greetings from the Patriotic Historical Revisionist Society of America, where we are re-educating the world at large about important events in world history that serve to bolster the image of the greatest country on earth, the United States of America.  Join us tonight as we expose the true motivations behind the attack at Pearl Harbor in honor of the anniversary of the event.

Before going too deeply into the details, we must first acknowledge the conditions of the time.  Back before cable news and the internet the powerful people of the world were free to act on their every whim without consequence.  There was very little opportunity for scandal because the only information disseminated to the public was carefully released by the source itself, without interference by the free media.  Thus began the controversy between Franklin D Roosevelt and Emperor Hirohito.

Most of us remember FDR by the inspirational images taken during his speeches, but by all accounts he was one of the most sexually ferocious world leaders since Caligula.  It was widely known throughout his administration and beyond that President Roosevelt could not control his appetite for beautiful women, but the coverup was orchestrated to preserve the dignity of the first lady Eleanor Roosevelt.  And a startling lack of documentation supporting any kind of paralytic disease in the President suggests that his famous use of a wheelchair was a response to his fatigue following his ample sexual conquests.

In order to hide FDR's womanizing ways the administration arranged frequent trips abroad, so as to limit public exposure.  On one such trip to Japan (Franklin was a very progressive lover for the times) the President found himself taken by a particularly beautiful woman with whom he remained literally attached to the hip with for nearly a week, like some kind of interracial conjoined twin.  Unbeknownst to him at the time the woman was Empress Kōjun, wife of Emperor Hirohito.  The response to the befouling of his wife by the brash American President came in the form of the attack on Pearl Harbor on December 7, 1941.
Hirohito and his sexually unsatisfied wife

Without the true facts about the feud between FDR and Hirohito the world media assumed that the attack was a preemptive strike designed to cripple the American Navy, thus preventing it from complicating the Japanese advance on Malaya and the Dutch East Indies.  In reality this was a hastily designed battle born in the heat of passion, and against the urging of Japan's military strategists.  The following day America declared war on Japan and single handedly beat back the Nazi advance across Europe (you're welcome, France!)

Of course, FDR passed away on April 12, 1945, just when victory seemed certain.  One particularly satisfying detail that is little-known outside of military historians is that the atomic bombs that were dropped on Hiroshima and Nagasaki both had a name scrawled across them... "Kōjun".  This was to remind the Emperor of the recently-deceased President's sexual conquest, and Hirohito's biggest mistake.

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