It seems like every time we get ready to celebrate the coming of a new year we partake in the tradition of judging ourselves with new year's resolutions, which generally include losing weight, quitting smoking, furthering your career or education, improving your love life, or any combination of them. It is not clear why we do this to ourselves, but it is simply causing introspective insecurity on a global scale and damaging self image. This is not a healthy way to begin your new year, and self-admitted loser status is terribly detrimental to your confidence. That is why this year, Popular Irony is introducing a reverse approach to new year's resolutions that is sure to become popular worldwide!
Considering how making your own resolutions is an embarrassing and painful experience, we purpose that the opposite may be true, and you could inspire confidence and gratification by writing resolutions for your friends and family! So get out your best holiday stationary and write each person in your life a harsh criticism to kick off a new year in alienating form. Here's mine!
B.C. - In 2012 you and I will likely continue to associate outside of work, and I look forward to the coming year's experiences. And to ensure our continued pleasantness I ask that you resolve to cease all discussions of conversations we have outside of work, with people we mutually know inside of work. This includes, but is not limited to, tasteless but humorous comments I have made while drinking, criticisms of our coworkers I have made while drinking, political/religious rants I have made while drinking, as well as any discussion about the frequency or quantity of my drinking.
Daniel - In order to start the new year with your personal development as the highest priority I am now giving you the gift of some personalized new year's resolutions. First and foremost, and putting your political beliefs aside, you MUST resolve to stop using The Drudge Report as your primary source for news. This has caused you no end of embarrassment when having to retract hastily-made comments about current events that are later proven false. And please stop bringing copies of Guns and Ammo to work and keeping them in plain view on your desk. People have been talking.
Michael - Happy new years. You need to stop being such a fucking liar, and try working for a full day once in a while. And dump your fat girlfriend. She is a hateful single mother with horrible breath and acne, and manages to finish a distant second when compared to the pro/con ratio of fucking a dry catcher's mitt.
Sir Chapsworth - In the coming year I ask that you stop chewing tobacco. You have left your home state now, and I don't want you perpetuating hick stereotypes while living in another part of the country. And if your lips fall off I refuse to be seen in public with you. Also, you must resolve to keep all relationships with the opposite sex purely physical in nature. If you get engaged to ONE more woman that I have never met I will fucking kill you. If you experience the desire to make a commitment of any kind give me a call, and I will help you destroy the relationship.
And of course, Terlet - In the past year we have grown quite close, and communicate daily regarding post ideas, potential projects, or just to discuss hilarious shit. And from one friend to another, I have a few resolutions you should observe for 2012. For one, you must resolve to allow visitors to ring your doorbell once in a while. You have a habit of nervously peeking out the window like a geriatric shut-in in anticipation of company, and we both know you are better than that. Second, the whole "bangin' a bunch of highschool cheerleaders" thing was totally cool back when we were 17, but these days it is a criminal offense. If it doesn't stop I am contacting the authorities. I am serious.