Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Shitty Christmas Gifts

You almost did it, didn't you?  You almost absentmindedly gave an incredibly offensive gift to someone you love and respect.  Good thing you read Popular Irony every day, huh?  Tonight we offer a brief last minute checklist to make sure your gifting remains appropriate this holiday season.  No one wants a repeat of that year you gave grandma the personal lubricant gift basket, so pay attention.  Avoid giving any of the listed items to the corrosponding people, and you can be sure that the only tears shed this holiday season are tears of familial hatred, not shame and regret.

Person recently diagnosed with cancer:
  • Electric razor
  • Lifetime membership to ANYTHING
  • Geiger counter
  • An hourglass
  • "Bucket List" themed stationary

A male homosexual:
  • A subscription to the Westboro Baptist Church newsletter
  • Condoms
  • Ableware 725120000 Bathroom Anus Stimulator ($67.48 on Amazon)
  • Narrow bicycle seat

A paraplegic:
  • A pedometer
  • A ladder
  • 10 year paid membership to e-harmony
  • Any length of rope

An obese person:
  • Airplane tickets
  • A bike
  • Industrial size baby powder
  • "Adopt a starving child" sponsorship
  • One shoe (tasteless diabetes joke)

A recent parolee:
  • City bus pass
  • New hairnet and latex gloves
  • Carton of cigarettes
  • Tattoo removal voucher
  • Resumé writing service

An expectant mother:
  • Rollerskates
  • Planned Parenthood brochure
  • Extra large novelty underwear
  • Victoria's Secret gift card
  • Condoms

So just remember to be a little more thoughtful the next time you go shopping for your diverse group of friends.  After all, it's the thought that counts, and you almost let everyone know you are an asshole by giving an inappropriate gift.  You can thank Popular Irony later for this faux pas prevention post! 

The Ableware 725120000, since you're curious.

1 comment:

  1. An actual review of the "Ableware 725120000 Bathroom Anus Stimulator" on

    This product is a timely innovation on nature's original anus stimulator: a long thing piece of smoothly polished ivory. I used to use pieces of ivory to stimulate my anus but found that I was coming up against too much environmental red tape. I'm glad that this product at least offers a rough approximation of my preferred product. Taking a cue from the Greeks and their appreciation of smooth white roundness (as masterfully respresented in ancient Greek busts), the anus stimulator offers a modern product with classical grace - a true rarity in this vulgar functionalist age of uninspiring anus stimulators.