Sunday, December 25, 2011

Savior to Santa - A Christmas Story

Father Dunson Gramalazzo
Merry Christmas everybody!  Well, shit me sideways, I have had an awful Christmas.  As you can see, the prosthetic eyebrow my Old Lady gave me, looks fucking perfect.  What is that Mrs. Rashton?  I'm not supposed to have an "Old Lady".  For fucks sake, if I've told you once, I've told you a thousand fucking times, Svetlana is just my housekeeper.  And before you even start bitching about it, you know I always smoke on Christmas.  Gimme 5 Hail Mary's and a Shut the Fuck Up.

As I was saying, after Svetlana attached my new eyebrow, we still had decent amount of that sweet smelling glue.  One thing led to another and I ended up losing an eye.  The doctor says I'm lucky the stiletto heel didn't puncture my brain.   It feels like my eye-socket is full of ever-crawling fire ants.  But I don't want to bore you with my problems, it's fucking Christmas.  I'd rather bore you with somebody else's problems.  Look at all of you sitting there, thinking you know what the fuck Christmas is all about.  Well hold onto your fucking scalps because I'm about to blow your fucking minds.

So a couple thousand years ago Jesus was born, died, was resurrected and then ascended into the sky or something.  Well, little does everybody know, he never ascended, he stayed on earth.  Oh, he was supposed to fly away and wait for the apocalypse in heaven.  But, as you my have guessed, heaven is fucking boring.  Jesus preferred life on earth.  So after Jesus was resurrected, which is a completely different, Three Stooges like story, he stood in front of his 11 apostles.  Jesus, who spent a brief stint in a stolen time machine, (again another story) had a secret stockpile of top grade fireworks.

Jesus lit the fuse, and told his apostles that he was about to ascend to heaven.  The apostles waited with bated breath.  The fireworks exploded into showers of multicolored sparks for several minutes.  The apostles, completely distracted by the Godly magic, did not see Jesus calmly walking away.  He has spent the centuries wandering the earth, living different lives.

Now that is not the fucked up part.  Jesus is immortal, but he still ages.  1 Jesus year is equivalent to 50 human years.  He has aged about 40 years in the last couple of centuries and is currently in his early seventies.  But that is still not the fucked up part.  The fucked up part is Santa Claus is real and he is Jesus.

I can tell by the look on your faces that you don't believe me.  Well listen up fuckheads!  Have you ever seen a little show by the name of Doctor Who, what about it's spinoff, Torchwood?  Ah, I see a few hands, excellent.  There is a character in those shows called Captain Jack Harkness.  Harkness is a time traveling, bisexual from the 51st century.  Due to some cosmic bullshit, he became a fixed point in time, which pretty much means immortal.  You can shoot him in the face and he will die, but a few hours later his head regrows and he wakes up.  He also slowly ages over the centuries.  The BBC used an abandoned investigative report on Jesus as the template for the character of Harkness.

So Jesus has existed long enough to grow into an obese senior citizen.  He has become a little senile and a lot crazy over the centuries.  Jesus is an extremely powerful magical being, that coupled with his senility has created some interesting results.  The myth of Santa Claus started when a slightly delirious Jesus wanted to thank all the good Christians in the world on his birthday.  He bewitched some reindeer and with the help of his elven slaves, created gifts for every person.  Using magic and other bullshit, Jesus spent several decades sneaking presents into his followers homes.  Early on, he was spotted quite frequently.  He was always dressed in red with a thick, white beard.  Jesus didn't want people to think it was weird that he was giving gifts on his birthday, so he always said they were from an alias, "Santa Claus".  Fucked up, I know.

As the decades passed, Jesus' sanity faded as well.  Most of his elves died of neglect and exposure.  In the 21st century, he has been reduced to an elderly, magical, home invader.  He rarely leaves presents anymore, and if he does, they normally contain feces.  He gets into your refrigerator and eats whatever he wants.  He poops.... constantly.  It has been said that he has "exploded" several families that were roused by his aimless shamblings inside their homes on Christmas eve.  So for the love of Santa, people, if you hear somebody going through your shit on Christmas, DON'T INVESTIGATE.  Senile Santa Jesus will blow you and your children the fuck up with his magical fucking fingers.

If you think it's bad now, I wonder what he will be like in the distant future.  There is probably a reason he was supposed to wait in heaven for the apocalypse.  Probably because the apocalypse is not due to happen for several million years.  Christmas in the distant future may have a terrifyingly different Santa Claus.  An insane bag of flesh vomiting magic fire across the globe?  A quivering, reaking lich?  A tickling monster that won't take no for an answer?  Getting old is a bitch.

Oh and kids, the Santas in the mall is not Jesus, those are hobos.


Jesus "Jack Harknessed" into Santa Claus

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