Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Revisionist History: Independence Day

Everyone knows that the 4th of July was originally adopted as a federal holiday to commemorate the signing of the declaration of independence, officially cutting ties to Great Britain, but very few know the deeper significance that the date has accumulated over the years. We here at the Patriotic Historical Revisionist Society of America are here to bring you the whole story.

Lets go back to 1948, just after the end of world war II. America was still licking it's wounds that came with the huge national sacrifice necessary to single-handedly rid the world of the scourge of nazism, and we were struggling to convert our factories back to their original purposes after they had been repurposed to support the war, families were keeping up appearances and moving forward despite the toll that was demanded of them, and the world was looking for a way to properly thank their yankee saviors for the selfless and heroic rescue that led to the death of Adolf Hitler.

But America remained true to their grand international stature by demanding no tribute from wounded europe to repay for this rescue, and instead focused on once again dominating international trade and culture the world over. It was the great Winston Churchill that first suggested that some gesture was necessary to thank the United States for it's thankless heroism, and made a formal invitation to the heads of state of every european nation, including the still untrusted Italy and Germany, to convene in a fealty council in an effort to inspire unity in europe once again. The subject of their council was simple: to find a fitting way to thank the US for avoiding the seemingly unstoppable domination of the nazi menace and the inevitable decline of mankind.

France offered to create a new and exciting cheese in the honor of America. Italy offered to adopt the American national anthem as their own. Sweden considered sending every female on her 18th birthday on a pilgrimage to America to lose her virginity. Ireland thought of making an annual gift of 20% of their yearly production of Guiness and whiskey. But in the end it was Churchill himself that decided the matter and united all of europe to accept his proposal. So when July 4th of that year rolled around a european vote was called, and it was unanimous. Europe declared the United States as the international leader of all of europe and pledged loyalty and obedience to our wonderful nation for all time from that day forward.

I know what you are thinking. "Why haven't I ever heard of this? There seems to be some animosity between the US and europe from time to time, and the president never makes demands of europe that would be implied by their status as the leader of europe. This just doesn't make sense!" But the answer is simple. America has taken the high ground and once again proven to be the finest example of civilization that has ever been by refusing to act on it's power over europe, even declining the offer to collect a tax on all gdp of every european nation citing it's own distaste of taxation without representation. And in doing so America has cemented itself in the history books as the most just and grand country in history. Enjoy independence day and spread the word of America's reign as leader of all of europe, and thank God for every blessed minute you get to live in this fine country of ours.

Churchill addressing the fealty council


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