Friday, July 6, 2012

Tips For Success

I am fucking made of success!
I'm a busy guy.  A real fucking "Go Getter".  I don't have time for bullshit and time wasting.  My life is a constant flow of action followed by great accomplishments.  I am a fucking business dynamo. 

Cook breakfast?  Fuck that shit!  I eat a motherfucking breakfast bar.  Iron my clothes?  Fuck that shit!  Just get it moist and throw it in the dryer for a couple minutes.  Exercise?  Fuck that shit!  I run my exercise tape at double speed and get the workout done in half the time.  Microwave soup?  Fuck that shit!  I chug soup cold from the fucking can. 

Every day, I find  new way to take minutes from the mundane and use them for something that fucking matters.  Just today I found a way to save myself at least 30 seconds a fucking day.  It's fucking brilliant.  I wipe while I shit.  None of that "finish pooping and then wipe", fuck that!  I wipe while i shit.

I got the idea watching my dog drag his ass across the floor.  It looked satisfying as fuck!  I also noticed how delectably clean my dogs anus is.  It is fucking uncanny!  I knew I could incorporate this tactic into my busy, daily life.

What I do is get a large bath towel.  I stand in my empty bath tub, naked.  I squat a bit and wrap the towel under my groin like I am flossing my butt crack and balls.  I push as hard as I fucking can and when I feel the feces started to leave my body, I vigorously rub with the towel, back and forth, back and forth.  The towel grabs the shit and wipes my ass at the same time.  Now you need to rotate the towel lightly with each pass otherwise the poop goes back on your ass.  Less than 20 seconds later, the ass is clean and the towel is not.  Then I just throw that fucking towel away. 

I am a huge fucking success so I can afford to buy all the fucking bath towels I want.  My fucking toilet paper has a higher thread count than your bedsheets.  There are some downsides though.  Pushing that hard tends to rupture blood vessels around my anus.  It causes bleeding and huge hemorrhoids.  That is the price of fucking success. What about the feces on the floor of my bathtub?  I pay a maid for that shit!  I don't have time to push those nuggets through my bathtub drain with my toes!  That is what I pay Svetlana for!

Business business business!!  Success is earned motherfuckers!  Sometimes you gotta put up with bleeding anal ulcers to save a few minutes.  FUCK!  I am late for something important.  Thanks for sapping my fucking time!  You are the reason this country is failing!  Sitting down to poop.....   Fucking bourgeois fucks!!


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