Tuesday, July 10, 2012
Wang Dunkin: Extreme Survivalist
I am Wang Dunkin, former US Navy SEAL and survival expert with over thirty years of field experience in some of the most unforgiving environments known to man. I have been in the shit and lived to tell about it, and now I am going to pass some of my life-saving techniques to you today. That is why I have stranded us on this deserted tropical island with nothing but a bag of random assorted survival tools. Knowing how to properly use these tools could mean the difference between a comfortable beach vacation and a slow death.
Let's see whats in my pack for this trip. I have a bamboo fishing rod with thirty feet of line, two fishing hooks, one energy bar, a magnifying glass, one plastic rain poncho, one waterproof match, and fifty feet of paracord. Wow, these are really great survival tools. And in my expert hands we will have all the comforts of civilization in mere hours. Now pay careful attention, friend. What you learn here might save your life some day.
The first thing that any respectable survivalist must do in a dire situation like this is get a fire started. Fire always means the difference between a rotting corpse and comfortable living, let me tell you. Luckily I have everything I need here to start a life-giving fire right away. First, I am going to use the fifty feet of paracord as kindling for the waterproof match... there we go. Now that I have a small fire going I am going to break down this bamboo fishing pole, since bamboo makes some of the best firewood known to man. Don't bother detaching the fishing line, since it is going to be pretty useless without the actual pole. But once you are warm and toasty you will be pretty glad you sacrificed these relatively useless items.
The second rule of survival is finding or building a shelter, since exposure is the leading cause of death when stranded in the wilderness. I guess I am going to have to build my own shelter here and forego the nice big natural cave over at the forest line since I already have my fire going, and anyone worth their salt knows that once you've got a fire you better not disturb it by carrying embers elsewhere. Fire is a fickle beast, and it is best not to tempt it. But the good news is that we have this plastic rain poncho to help keep the weather out! I am going to prop it up with some sticks to keep out the coming rain, but I will let you in on a secret of the SEALs: to keep the wind from blowing the poncho all over the place you can ventilate it by tearing a bunch of holes in the plastic. See? Now the wind goes right through the poncho, making sure it is perfectly in place to protect us from those dark clouds on the horizon!
Now we just need to put the final piece of the puzzle in place by finding some food to sustain us in this harsh environment. Good thing I have this energy bar, right? I am just going to jam these two fishing hooks in the center of the bar and use it to double or triple the nutritional value by catching some fish with it! We are going to go hunting for rodents in the forest over there, but the energy bar bait can start catching fish right now. I will just toss it in the shallow water here and head off on the hunt, and when we return we are bound to have a nice, big fish dead from eating the hooks just waiting to be cooked on the fire!
One lesser known hunting technique involves the use of a heavy magnifying glass just like this one. Follow me into the forest and I will show you the tried-and-true methods of our primitive ancestors for hunting rodents. What luck! Just over there we have a big, fat rat sitting on a large rock. He isn't suspecting anything, the poor fella. Now taking a life to sustain your own isn't my favorite part of survival, but it has to be done. My fool-proof method of hunting with a magnifying glass is quite simple, just quietly line up your shot... and... THROW THE GLASS!!! ... Shit. The little bastard got away and my glass is shattered into oblivion on the rock. That never happened before. Oh well, there's always the fish that I surely caught back at camp. Let's head back, it's starting to rain.
Okay, part of surviving is dealing with the unsuspected hurdle that nature throws your way. Now don't panic, but it looks like the fire went out while we were out hunting. I guess there were too many holes in the poncho and the rain put it out. Hmmm... and it seems like the energy bar bait is gone. Must have been a really big fish that took it away before succumbing to the pain of the embedded fish hooks. What are the odds?!? I'll be damned, this is the first time I had any difficulty in a survival situation. Usually my top-notch techniques are fail proof. Good thing we still have that cave over there to keep us out of the rain. It's almost certain that there are poisonous snakes in the cave though, but I will show you a little trick with smearing your feces on your body to keep them at bay. Our rescue boat isn't due for three more days now, so let's make the best of it. I've made a career of making mother nature my bitch, and I won't let a few setbacks like these get the better of me. Let's go.