Thursday, May 23, 2013

Evolution For Retards

Have you ever spoken to a total retard?  Not like a person with a genuine mental handicap or an extra chromosome, or anything, but a true retard?  If you are shaking your head right now then I have news for you.  You are the retard.  And by the way, no one can see you shaking your head, dopey.

I decided that some things need extra explanation.  Not really complicated stuff, like string theory, psychology of the female gender, or the implications of a growing Chinese global economy, but more simple stuff.  Like evolution.  When you say the word most people have one of two reactions to it.  They either recognize it as demonstrable reality, a theory only due to the stringent requirements within the scientific community to deem something a “law”, or they think you mean humans came from chimpanzees.  Can you guess which one is the retard?

If you guessed the latter, then give yourself a cookie.  You earned it.  If I only had a nickel for every time I was discussing evolution and someone interjected “I ain’t descendeded from no chimp!” I would have like, at least five bucks or something.  First, you can rest assured that no one is trying to say your momma is a chimp.  All it is saying is that at some point in our several million year history (a long time), before we were even humans, there existed an animal that ended up being the progenitor of both humans and apes.  One of the most ridiculous arguments made against evolution is that it cannot be the truth, because we cannot be descended from chimps if they still exist.  Hopefully I don’t have to explain why that is retarded.

But everyone should know that it exactly this argument that Charles Darwin was trying to avoid when he was releasing On the Origin of Species back in the 19th century.  He knew that everyone would completely disregard the amazing simplicity and obvious truth of natural selection and get hung up on the most famous of human flaws, egocentrism.  They would see that if animals were descended from less complex and advanced life forms, then maybe we were too.  And that couldn’t be true, since we were certainly built in the image of the almighty creator, who for some reason needed a physical form that was perfectly adapted to exist on a lonely rock floating in the void of oblivion.  It bothered him so much that he resisted publishing his life’s work until academic competition threatened to rob him of his advancements.

The entire basis of the theory of evolution is built around the concept of natural selection, which is devilishly simple (pun intended).  All it states is that any creature that reproduces sexually is more likely to survive, and thus reproduce, if they are better suited to their environment than their peers.  And if some seemingly minor mutation occurs in a creature (as occurs regularly), then that mutation will often times be passed onto it’s offspring should it have reproductive success.  Basically, if something survives, it is more likely to fuck.  And if it fucks, it is more likely to reproduce, making it’s genes survive through the generations.  And before you get all christian on me and preach about how “life is far too complex to adapt into a human from a single cell organism”, I must stop you.  This is not such an amazing feat, as your mother accomplished it in a mere 9 months.  Blasphemy, I know.  

It does not end there, however.  Because a mutation does not need to be an advantage to be passed on, it just needs to be present in a surviving population.  There are countless examples of perfectly adapted and fit species dying out due to some cruel, random chance extinction, only to be replaced by a less evolved creature.  Therefore I submit to you, dear reader, that the very presence of the multitude of retards in our midst proves this theory.  Because where there is one retard you are certain to find another, equally big retard in their family tree.  Retardation, you see, is one of the dominant mutations that has been plaguing our species since we first crawled out of the mud puddles.  And it is still going strong.

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