Friday, June 22, 2012

Rory Cudgel's Urban Field Guide of Beasts and Critters

Rory Cudgel
Welcome animal lovers, welcome!  It's me, your old pal, Rory Cudgel.  Come on, you know me!  Rory!  Just last week you watched me poop off the back of a park bench.  Remember how I wiped myself off with that McDonald's burger wrapper?  Oh come on, you have to recall the grooming advice I gave you, nothing cures a scabby anus like McDonald's ketchup.

I see that you have proudly sat on my favorite bus stop bench.  Lucky for you that this bench has been  annexed as part of the campus of my Exclusive University!  This bus bench is the classroom and that dumpster is the cafeteria.  Today they are serving juicy ham slices!!!  You just need to pick the kitty litter off and then it's a fucking hammy gourmet feast!

Today you are going to learn about several different beasts and/or critters.  They had a free day at the zoo yesterday.  I love the zoo.  So many animals to study and all the popcorn I can pick up off the ground.  I prepared a learning scroll for you........  What do you mean you don't want it?  Now I know it looks like a filthy roll of toilet paper but it has written on it, a whole brain's worth of knowledge.  So.... take the scroll..... Take... It...... TAKE THE FUCKING SCROLL AND LEARN!!  That's better.  You don't want detention now do you?

Our first critter is the Feathered Squat Beast.  Long ago, there was a giant Turkey Dinosaur.  The Turkey Dinosaur ruled the prehistoric world.  The cavemen shook in fear when they heard it's gutteral call.. "GRAMAMAMAMEEGRAMEE!".  It ruled the prehistoric world, that is, until cavemen developed swords.  One day a baby caveman was gonna get eaten by the Turkey Dinosaur.  It's cave mama, in a bout of desperation, picked up a smashed tin can and affixed it to a smooth piece of wood.  The first sword was born!  The cave mama swung it's new invention at the Turkey Dinosaur and the Turkey Dino's head and neck flew clean off!

Now Dinos don't keep all of their brain inside of their heads.  They keep a pinch hidden inside their bottoms!  Fucked up right!?  So this Turkey Dino survived decapitation.  All the other Turkey Dinos were jealous of this Dino's classy new look.  They all wanted to have it too!  So all the Turkey Dinos lined up in front of the Caveman's cave and waited for their own turn at decapitation.  Eventually those fashion conscious Dinos had babies.  Those babies were born with their heads growing out of their asses and poop flying out their neck cavities.  A new species, The Feathered Squat Beast was born!!

Feathered Squat Beast

Next up, we have one of my favorite critters, the Saggy Tit-Back.  The Saggy Tit Back has these two huge, honkin tits hangin off of it's fucking back!  It is super erotic.  Every year, on free zoo day, I try to hide in the bushes or up in a tree until the zoo closes.  My goal is to sneak into the Saggy Tit-Back's enclosure and get me some of them huge, sexy tits!  Every fucking year they catch me and throw me out.  This year I got closer than I have ever gotten before.

I waited until sundown and descended from my secret perch.  I made a mad sprint for the Tit-Back's cage and leaped onto the fence.  I climbed and climbed and once I made it to the top, I jumped!  I almost cleared the trench that surrounds the Tit-Back's enclosure.  Those trench walls are mighty steep.  I was soooo close!!  So I had to spend the night, naked in a trench.  ..... Did I mention I was naked?  Well, I was.  I could hear the Tit-Back taunting me from above.  It was sarcastically asking me if I wanted to squeeze it's fat tits.  I love that beast just as much as I fucking hate it. 

So this morning the zoo keepers find me down there.  I was covered head to toe in Tit-Back shit.     Hmmmm?  .....  Yes, that is that smell..  Thank you for noticing...  So the zoo keepers lower down a rope and I climb up.  The second I was up I started running.  The zoo keepers and a couple security guards chased me, but they could not catch me.  It's a little known fact that being covered in shit increases your aerodynamics.  I was like a poop rocket!!

Saggy Tit-Back

Speaking of poop, I also saw this.  A Walking Poop.  It is a very interesting creature.  Did you know that 1 in a million poops is a Walking Poop?  ..... You didn't?  Well it fucking is!  They are chock full of corn, peanuts and magic!  So be sure to handle each of your bowel movements thoroughly to ensure that it is not a Walking Poop. 

If you are lucky enough to have birthed one of the beasts, you can sell it for big bucks at any pet store.  I'm not too good at identifying them and it kinda annoys the guys at Petsmart.  I am always bringing in my possible pets for identification and they always chase me out with a hose.  One day I'll have a real Walking Poop and they will welcome me into the Petsmart like a fucking God!!

Walking Poop

Well, I see that you are very pregnant and I fucking hate babies, so I'm gonna leave before that thing falls out of you....   There will be a test tomorrow.  I will be waiting for you right here.  You better show up to class, I've followed you home before and I will do home schooling, but I prefer my classroom.  Class dismissed!!


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