Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Your Friendly Neighborhood Satanists

Greetings, neighbor! Could we have a few moments of your time to discuss the word of the almighty Satan?

Wait! Wait! I know what you're thinking. "What do these creeps think they are doing in this nice Christian neighborhood? Trying to corrupt our young ones and damn this whole city to hell?" But rest assured, friend, we mean you no harm. If you can spare just five minutes I can explain the message of the Dark One and how it can enrich your life.

 Great! I promise I'll be brief. Please take this sample literature that helps to understand our message, it will make for very informative reading later on. Firstly, we at the Satanic Church are probably the most misunderstood group in the world and the victims of a terrible negative pr campaign that is being perpetrated by the various Christian religions the world over. But far from being a scourge of the earth we are actually very productive members of society and have a lot to offer a good person such as yourself. Do you mind if we come in? I see we have attracted a bit of a crowd on your porch. Thanks.

 Oh no, it won't be necessary to make coffee just for us. But thank you for your kindness! And might I add that judging by the picture on the mantle you have a lovely family! Now if you don't mind, I will go over some of the misunderstandings you might have about Satanists, and explain our basic principles. First, you may have heard some scary stories about how we meet at night under an inverted crucifix to molest and sacrifice pure, virginal children in the name of Satan. Well this practice has been totally blown out of proportion, and only happens in the most extreme situations that require particularly powerful offerings. In fact, I can't even remember the last time I had to spread the still-warm innards of a recently disemboweled toddler over my naked body. The truth is that we tend to manage our affairs very well and rarely end up in situations that require that kind of treatment. Besides, that kind of thing used to happen all the time in the early days of the bible. Just look at the willingness of Abraham to sacrifice his son Isaac, or the offering of Lot's daughters to protect the angel in Sodom! Both were very similar to the binding and ritualized murder of children that is practiced in Satanism. Actually, most of the truly "offensive" and "vile" practices in our church are derived from the teachings of the bible, and you no doubt know just how wholesome those stories are.

And while it is true that we engage in several weekly orgies of drugs, cannibalism, and sodomy, this too is the result of influence from Christian sects! You see, the Catholics imbibe wine and bread that are not just representative of the blood and body of Christ, but they believe actually transform INTO his flesh and blood.  We at the Church of Satan just prefer to put aside the childish make-believe and engage in the genuine article.

And finally, there is a very troubling myth that is being spread around that implies that Satanists are actively attempting to destroy society and lead the world toward armageddon. This, my friend, couldn't be farther from the truth. You see, we believe that the domain of earth is a playground for Satan's children, and we have a solemn duty to enjoy all of it's fruits to as much excess as the heart desires. So why would we try to bring on the downfall of our own bountiful wonderland? It makes no sense. But can you tell me who actually longs for the end of days, when the blessed ascend to paradise on a ridiculous white horse leaving the sinners to rot in an inferno on earth? That's right, it's the Christians again. That is really the only reason why they get along so well with the Jews, because their silly religion dictates that Israel must be an independent state in order for the end to begin. Can't you see that the only people that have a vested interest in the destruction of mankind are the ones who proclaim to love them so much? This is why I knocked on your door, dear neighbor, to offer you a paradise on earth so that you may begin your feast on the bounty before it is too late! Your misguided ways have kept you from the table of the Gods for too long, and we now offer you a salvation that begins not when you die, but RIGHT NOW!

Excellent. I knew you would come along once your eyes were opened. Just a few formalities to discuss now, such as the $75 monthly dues, which although are mandatory will be reimbursed with your allotment of sacraments, such as hallucinogens and dove blood, and a low one-time fee of $150 that will cover your dark robes to wear at the Church. Just take the money at your earliest convenience, soak it in the blood of a fresh wound and cast it in a fire. And yes, we will know if you have done this or not. We will be by after one cycle of the moon to take you to your first Church service. and oh yeah, bring your daughter... for stuff.


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