This will be my first attempt to produce content within the highly esteemed Popular Irony Blog. I feel it is my duty to point out that Hamtackle and Terlet are two of my closest friends and I hate them as much as I love them. I am also obligated to point out that my specialty will involve workplace situations, scientific studies, sports, and sexual encounters. I am no good at visuals/art/fuck Terlet (for being so good at them), and will rarely include visual aides. And I will never talk politics or chain sawing heads off; I’ll leave that to our venerated Hamtackle. He is also a master of the written language and I cannot hope to compete with his take on the world. I hope you enjoy.
Your first duty as a professional is to establish a strong first impression with your coworkers. I have found that the more preposterous or ridiculous it is the better. I must also point out that many of these situations involve both sexes, as to lend to the credibility of the actual results. The following are examples of some such exchanges that may help break the ice. Use at your own risk.
I have applied this technique with all types of coworker from dishwashers to general managers. It involves the placement of your entire hand at the base of the leg at the Achilles tendon. You forcefully wrap your hand around the base of the leg and slowly and gently caress your way up the calf terminating at the end of the hamstring or the base of the buttock. You can take it much further if need be. The goal of this exercise is to leave the coworker effectively “disturbed.” The typical reaction is usually of a “oh my god” or “what the fuck are you doing to my leg” temperament. One attractive young woman actually took my hand and placed it upon her breast and we commenced kissing, which turned into coitus later that evening. She turned out to be my future ex-fiancé so I highly recommend caution when using this technique.
This technique is much more subtle and if pulled off properly will leave the most of an enduring impression. It is pulled off as follows; make sure you are looking your coworker dead in the eye and slowly take your hand palm face up and apply your four digits less you thumb to the bottom of their stomach. Slowly and very measurably, but not too deliberate as they will almost certainly pull away or throw a punch, caress your digits upwards all while staring them in the eye. This will make for a most discomfited finish when they are either staring at you with menace or desire. The characteristic response for this is usually urgent withdrawal because they consider the idea you may be going for their genitals. It is best to coax them into a false sense of security and then proceed with the prescribed procedure.
The lingerer is my preferred method because it has a real staying power for and with the individual it is performed on. It is essentially a more rough and desperate version of The Disturber. You forcefully grab the Achilles and effectively rape their leg the entire way up and across the buttocks and then back down the other leg in a horseshoe fashion terminating at the other Achilles. The effect is a “lingering discomfort” for the individual. This technique is to be used with the utmost discretion and care as it may and will eventually get you fired. Several cases where this method has been applied resulted in laughter and grandiose praise from the recipient. Let me point out that this man would also try to figure out ways to get me to look at his “Jacob’s Ladder” piercing on his penis. I feel these incidents must be thrown out on point of perversion from both parties involved.
“Terlet’s Rage 1 and 2”
There are actually two versions of this very effective and rewarding exercise. The first involves a young Terlet as a waiter in a casual/fine dining restaurant along with a gentleman whom we will call “Phat” and me. Phat or I would walk past Terlet whilst Terlet would be taking an order. When out of sight from the people at the table and behind Terlet, we would pinch his “handlebar” fat and twist as hard as we could and walk away calmly. The hilarity would ensue when he was done with his table and seek one of us out and actually throw punches. The reward for us was so very sweet though because we knew no matter how much discomfort and rage he felt at that instant, he could do nothing but take it like a bitch. We were in total control at that moment. An eruption while taking an order at a table would be a death sentence for him as our owner had the dimensions of an actual bear would not only fire him but beat the shit out of him.
The other version involves reconnaissance, slight of hand, and a cohort. What Phat and I would do was take an average slice of cucumber, dip it in Ranch dressing, and try to figure out ways to place it in Terlet’s apron from where he would grab pens to take orders at tables. The rage that would be evident on his face when his hands came upon the Ranch dressing was priceless, and makes me giggle like a schoolgirl to this day. There were several wrinkles to our overall plan that we could employ when Terlet would become “spooked.” One would involve the old “slap and run” where one of us would slap Terlet and run and in that instant of rage the other would slip the cucumber into his pocket. This had about a 50% completion rate. Another includes the coaxing into a false sense of security by telling him he was awesome because he jerks off to comic books or has the lead in the school play and while in conversation one of us would slip the cucumber in. This was usually the most dangerous because when he found out we were just amusing him and stroking his ego to get that cucumber where we wanted it, the rage was heightened to the level of The Hulk. Use these techniques at your own risk.