We at Popular Irony have been innundated by frantic messages and email wondering what the fuck happened to us, and why we have failed to deliver quality comedic content in the past several months.
There are several answers to these questions, and all of them are complicated. Terlet opened his home to his friends following a disaster in our local area, and Hamtackle quit his job and grew a hobo beard. Again. Now a new year is upon us, and we have decided to each make post of our new year's resolutions. I, Hamtackle, will start it off.
I have two simple resolutions, the first of which is to gain fifty pounds by the end of the year. This is hard to do quickly, but I have my methods. I will post a follow-up when I complete this goal. The second is much simpler. Eradicate the hobo beard.
I took to the shears and eliminated three months of growth in one fell swoop, nearly severing my jugular in the process. I made it out ok, but the beard didn't. Here it is in all its glory.
I figured this photo didn't do it justice, so here is the beard spread out to show its full girth.
I contacted the good people at Locks Of Love to see if they were interested in a donation. They said beard hair is not suitable for wigs. I figured they weren't well-known in the merkin industry, so I tried to change their minds by demonstrating how dashing a beard wig could be.
But they didn't return my email. I can tell when I'm not wanted, so I had to find another way to dispose of this beard. Usually your whiskers just wash down the drain when you shave regularly, but a beard this pervasive is a different thing altogether. You can't just throw something this magnificent away, so I had to get creative.
And so it came to be, that my beard was given a proper viking burial. A fitting end for a noble ball of human hair. Be at peace, my friend. Be at peace…