Hack Slash $#*! - Episode 13

Hamtackle, Terlet and Transgender Olympic Track and Field runner up, Sir Chapsworth are extra salty tonight!  Or is that saucy?  Salty and saucy?  Whatever, they are playing Hack/Mine, swearing and drinking... Yes, we have problems.  Question your masculinity on this episode of Hack Slash $#*!!

The seed used for this world is - Turdcutalia

Music by Kevin MacLeod  http://incompetech.com/music/royalty-free/



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Discount Amateur Surgery - Episode 1

Dr. Hamtackle and Nurse Terlet strap on their latex gloves and get to cutting in the inaugural episode of Discount Amateur Surgery!  Marvel at their surgical prowess, wonder at their drinking skills, celebrate the rampant inactivity!  It's Surgeon Simulator 2013, done right...... Drunk.

Music by Kevin MacLeod  http://incompetech.com/music/royalty-free/



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Diary Of A Degenerate 36

The young girl was possessed by seemingly endless energy, and kept fighting and screaming for the entire four or five minutes her father was gone.  I have done many horrible things, but this one was certainly on the top of the list.  I stood there nude, covered in blood, and gripping a small, shrieking child in my arms.  Anyone who walked in on the scene would assume the worst, and they’d be right.

Her father came back in the room, and I was relived to see he was sobbing still, not chomping at the bit to tear me limb from limb.  He threw a fresh pair of pants that were way too fucking large at my feet, and placed a beat up .38 on the floor with a half empty box of ammo, a small plastic bag with a few stacks of american currency, and an unopened bottle of tequila.  I motioned for him to back up and he complied, while I grabbed the gun and inspected it.  Loaded.  This guy was taking some serious chances by handing this over.  Bad idea.  My index finger was badly twisted so I fed my middle digit through the trigger guard and raised it at him.  He didn’t flinch as I fired three shots into his torso.  The fucking sound deafened me to the world, but I could tell the was screaming at an extra few octaves now that I had dropped her, and was crouching over him as a large bubble of blood formed in one of the holes in his chest.

I put the pants on and the promptly fell back off, so I kicked the half-blind girl off her father and sloppily dragged the belt off his corpse before tying it around my waist.  I had no shirt, but fuck it, three quarters of the people here didn’t wear them anyway.  I gathered up my goods and headed for the door, glad to put the memories of torture and the sound of wailing behind me.

I was surprised to see that it wasn’t some back country shed I was being kept in, but a seemingly nice middle-class house upstairs.  Out the window I could see a pickup with the windows down and a shine near the wheel.  Keys.  I didn’t waste time in stumbling out the door and tossed my gear onto the passenger seat before sitting down and starting up the truck.  The leather was burning a hole in my back, but I was happy to have it.  Some dreadful mexican polka music flooded the car and I quickly shut it down, then tore the cork out of the tequila bottle and drank deeply.  With any luck I would forget this shithole in a few hours of drinking.

I was about two miles down the road, a gringo covered in blood, shirtless driving a stolen pickup while half drunk, when I saw the federales behind me.

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F**K THE BEAST - Episode 1

Hamtackle and Terlet have landed in a new world, the world of Feed The Beast!  Watch as they wander, argue and search for a new home.  This is just the start and it can only end badly.  Hold on tight it's F**K THE BEAST!

Music by Kevin MacLeod  http://incompetech.com/music/royalty-free/



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Popular Irony Rhyme Time

I've been waiting for weeks
For my body to be complete
I sent money away
And it should arrive today...
IT'S MY COCK! IT'S MY COCK! IT'S MY COCK!

The model was deluxe
It was designed for more fucks
And could go from flaccid and slim
To being filled to the brim...
IT'S MY COCK! IT'S MY COCK! IT'S MY COCK!

I shelled out more cash
So it can fill any gash
And when I put it together
It'll attach to my nethers...
IT'S MY COCK! IT'S MY COCK! IT'S MY COCK!

When the mailman delivered
My insides all quivered
I've been a Ken doll below
But now I am eager to show...
IT'S MY COCK! IT'S MY COCK! IT'S MY COCK!

So I tore open the box
Expecting a king kong size jock
It's contents were disjointed
And I admit I was disappointed...
IT'S MY COCK! IT'S MY COCK! IT'S MY COCK!

It was shriveled and pale
And as thin as a rail
Apparently the caucasian
Was just a repainted asian...
IT'S MY COCK! IT'S MY COCK! IT'S MY COCK!

When I wore it with hair
It seemed barely there
And forget it without
It was a pale small-sized trout...
IT'S MY COCK! IT'S MY COCK! IT'S MY COCK!

If I could send the thing back
I'd probably order a black
It might just be clashing
But decidedly more dashing...
IT'S MY COCK! IT'S MY COCK! IT'S MY COCK!

If I had taken the hint
I'd have read the no-refund print
Now resigned to my shame
I must decide to proclaim...
IT'S MY COCK! IT'S MY COCK! IT'S MY COCK!

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Here is a Gif....That is all. - BOO!

Did I mention that I fucking love the Don Knotts, Tim Conway movie, Private Eyes?  Well, I fucking do.  Watch as Dr. Tart opens Lord Morley's coffin.  BOO!  Did I get you!?  No?  Then fuck you.

That is all....



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Putin On A Show

Putin wears hello kitty nipple tassels!

Real man NEVER afraid to show tassels!

Even russian horse appreciate fine-quality hello kitty tassels.

Is for protecting nipples while hunting in heavy russian foliage.

Looking beautiful VERY important for masculine russian man.

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Abomination!!

The egg stirs, cracks, hatches... Rises!!  A new era of suffering and despair bursts forth into our realm.  All because you couldn't keep your legs closed.  Seriously, why do you think that excessively attractive man chose you that night at that truck stop bar over the dozens of  other woman far more appealing than you?  I'll tell you why, that man was an elder beast from beyond the stars and he noticed your perfect egg laying hips.  His unholy star seed would thrive inside your womb.  All it took was a nod and a wink and within minutes, he was burying his thorny meat wand inside of your eager clunge in reeking men's room.

It's hard not to get pregnant by a man-beast that ejaculates in literal gallons.  Fueled by Cheetos and Pepsi, the egg matured quickly.  You thought it was just indigestion from eating at the Taco Bucket, but when you looked into the toilet, a giant feces smeared egg sat quivering in the septic mess.

You cared for it, kept it warm.  You knew it either contained your child or some other delicious animal.  Now it has hatched and your dark motherhood has begun!  It must be strange nursing a baby with a mouth full of grasping tentacles.  You could switch to formula, or you could try feeding him neighborhood children.  They all look so plump and tasty. 

One day the elder beast will return and claim his child.  With the powers of the star-born, he will depose the current celestials and usher in an age of fire and rot.  Until that day, good luck enrolling him in day care.

Awww, he has his father's tentacles.

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Cautious Cockplay

The Usual Suspects

Whether it’s being poked, prodded, slapped, tugged, pulled, yanked, punched, spit on, or laughed at, there are few things that my cock is not up for.  Things that a less sensitive part of my anatomy might consider abuse are welcomed by my magnificently resilient member.  In fact, I have sent it places that even my fingers did not dare to go for fear of contracting some unknown skin condition or unwashable odor.  That is why I decided to give a short but thorough list of the do’s and don’ts of penis ownership.

Firstly I must emphasize that you should never do anything that might damage the skin of the cock.  No piercing or cutting is allowed.  Not many people know this, but if you were to cut of a man’s penis while fully erect he would hip -wield a red lightsaber for roughly ten to twelve seconds before dropping dead from blood loss.  Never forget.  “But could I slam it in a door”  you ask?  Well, that depends on the door.  I would suggest starting with a desk drawer and working  your way up, and always avoid car doors.  Don’t ask why I know.

One of my favorite practices is called “unkinking the hose”.  It is started by tying the dick in a simple knot and unraveling it with the sheer power of your erection.  If you don’t have enough slack to tie a proper knot then I can’t help you here.  Personally I do this with a sturdy half-windsor, or sometimes even with a bow.  This is a normal and healthy practice, but you should stay away from any pervert that suggests that you try any “corking”.  This is the practice of plugging the urethra prior to ejaculation with the purpose of firing a tiny projectile like some sort of miniature qtip cannon.  This is dangerous and unnecessary, which is why it pays so well.  Keep it safe kids.

And that takes us finally to verbal abuse.  Few things stimulate better than a good face to junk argument.  Just remember to keep any racial abuse to a minimum.  I have been to a few abuse sessions that quickly got out of hand when a gentle ribbing escalated to a shouting match, and eventually to some truly offensive hate speech.  And this goes both ways, since we all know how easily a cock can instigate in an argument, turning a normally pleasant participant into a vocally aggressive bigot.  And I am very sensitive to penis-based hate speech, as I am the owner of an african-american penis.  It’s just my choice.

But the possibilities are only limited by your own imagination.  Always be open to new experiences and exciting opportunities, and you will rarely find yourself disappointed.  Unless, or course, your neighbors call the police on you when they see you in the window threatening your penis with a loaded firearm.  Sometimes I take it too far.

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Avian Parenting Taxidermy

There is not a single type of creature more majestic than birds.  I mean just look at them.  Feathers, beaks, flight, backwards knees, they are big buckets of fucking awesome.  It's too bad that I am terrified of live birds.  I hear that they aim for the fucking eyes!  What the fuck!?

It's hard sporting a rigid bird boner and not being able to own one, feed them in the park or view them in zoos.  The only kind of birds I can enjoy are dead ones.  Recently, I visited a Natural History Museum with the sole intent of photographing my favorite stuffed beasts.

First we have a large bird called the Gargantuicken and it's tiny birdlings.  Birdettes?  Chunkins?..... peeps.. no....um... CHICKS!  That's it, baby birds are chicks!  Just look at their adorable stuffed carcases.

Next up is the rock dwelling ocean bird, the Rumpadumps.... Well, looky there.... If you look close you can see Rumpadump chicks!  I wonder if the museum killed the chicks themselves for this display or if they waited around the Rumpadump cliffs waiting for them to die.  I bet they are delicious.

This is a Grey Park Bird.  I see them in the park sometimes from my apartment window.  Terrifying!  From the looks of it, this Grey Park Bird has also pooped out some chicks.  Nice work, mama Grey Park Bird!  Well, maybe not too nice of work.  They are all dead.

I think these are called Click Clacks.  It is my understanding that baby Click Clacks are prized for their gallbladder.  I hear it's real good for boners.  Too bad this one is full of sawdust.  I could really use a good dick thickener.

Ah, the majestic Birdjamin Buttons.  These birds are simply amazing!  They age backwards just like Brad Pitt in that terrible movie.  Look at the proud, fluffy white parents admiring their newborn.  That baby better go get some food for it's parents.  Mama and dada have aged out of their flying stage.  Nothing but eggshells and oblivion awaits them.

What's that there?  It's the bird that McDonalds butchers to make the Filet o' Fish, being trailed by it's brood of tiny McNuggets.  

 Can you hear the lonesome cry of the Royal Crested Cockneck?  It's terrible.  It sounds like someone farting into a an unwilling elderly woman's mouth.  Well, isn't this a coincidence, it's got itself some dead babies too! 

 Feast your eyes on nature's most hideous infant.  The Sleek Shitstack.  Just looking at it makes me happy that it is dead.  Those dead parents have to pretend that they love that mess.  What deluded assholes.

Last but not least is the sworn enemy of the Gargantuicken, the Enormuck.  If I understand my history correctly... In Jesus times the Enormuck was saddled and ridden into battle by the Jesuses during the crusades.  They fought the Jewishes who rode the Gargantuickens.  When horses were invented, people stopped riding birds altogether.  The giant birds, free from their masters, continued their own feathered wars that still continue to this day.  These display Enormucks were probably murdered in their sleep by sneaky Gargantuickens.  Such war crimes...

Until next time!


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