Monday, August 12, 2013

A One Legged Vagrants Guide to the Movies

Hi again there, internet people!  Frisky Pete here with all new reviews for the newest big movies at the theaters!  It has been a long time sence I have been able to write things about the movies, and that is because I have been in rehab for snorting the powder that builds up on car batteries.  But I am really better now, and I am back on the booze insted.

The transformers and godzilla one
I saw three movies this month, and I want to tell you about the one that I thought was real, real good.  There was a very loud movie that was called Specific Rim, and it was about the time in the early ‘60s when godzillas got into fights with transformers.  Most was dark an there were babies that were crying because of the loudness.  I liked the theater though, I think they play pornos here because it always smells like public toilets.  I had a relapse that day and had to lay down in the aisle from the battery powder, so I missed the ending, but I thought it was a good movie to see.  The overlying commentary of human perseverance seemed forced throughout, and a thin reasoning for overblown cinematic action that leaves most moviegoers dizzied, save the desensitized adolescent mind.

Two guns movie (left one is fake I think)
After that one I slept next to a mailbox, then went on the mexican bus (the dangerous one) and went to the moviehouse that they built to replace the hotel that burned down.  I decided to see the movie called 2 Guns.  It was a remake of the lethal weapon movies without Danny Glover and Braveheart in it because they got too old.  I missed the first ten minutes because the people in line were too cheap to buy my pencils, so I had to steal a ticket from a guy in a wheelchair.  I didn’t feel bad because he had both of his legs, even though they didn’t work.  I thought the movie was a big lie.  There were WAY more than 2 guns in it, I would say like at least a hundred.  2 Guns is a shining example of how casting can make or break a film, where the winding plotline and exaggerated shootouts would blend in to a cinematic landscape rife with likeminded titles.  But the charisma of two of actings finest specimens makes the routine quite special, and takes no small benefit from actors that are equally at home in drama as they are in action.

This thing with knives and ninjas
And then last friday I fell down and landed on a fork in an alley, so I had to go to the free clinic.  They gave me a pretty good pain killer for the stitches, so I decided not to waste it and go to see another movie.  The place next to billboard that has a picture of a fat guy holding donuts on it was showing The Wolverine, and I knew it would be about a guy with claws cutting up people.  I even got in free because I was showing everybody my stitches and they didn’t like me scaring them away.  And can you imagine something better than a guy with knife hands murdering superheroes?  How about a guy with knife hands killing ninjas!  The only thing I would say was bad was that for as many knives as this movie has there is very little disemboweling and choking on blood and vomit.  I saw Gutter Greg get stabbed about a month ago and he couldn’t stop throwing up blood until he died.  It is refreshing to see a film recognize it’s niche and stick to it, and also see it helmed by an actor that is now comfortable in this well-worn skin.  Jackman satisfies in this solo outing that shows Worlverine is not just a member of the X-Men franchise, he is the main show.

Well, that is pretty much all I can write about movies right now, since the library is going to close soon and I still need to take a shower in the sink.  I have to hop up like seven stairs to get to the nice bathroom, too, since I don’t feel like bathing in the bathroom with the glory hole in stall number three.  And if you know the library I am talking about, don’t go to the glory hole on tuesdays.  I have seen the tuesday guy bite them sometimes.  Weirdo.


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