A Pair of Peeing Tigers and Sleepy Lion Testicles

Hey there!  I went to an Animal Sanctuary and took a picture of some African Lion's junk and captured a video of two tigers peeing at the same time!  I'd say the day was an utter success!!

Sleepy Lion Testicles

You're Welcome!! -

An Italian Street Merchant Makes An Uncomfortably Hard Sell

 

My friend! My friend! I see you speak with Gurgel about his leather bags, now let me see you very much better quality. My name Pierno. I take very much care of you. Look... You see supple leather? Touch with hands and feel it like fine skin of newborn baby, eh? He say best bags in all of Florence, yes? But Gurgel is untrustworthy pedophile. Come to me, fine sir.

I show you much high quality bags for excellent price, yes? Just 200 euro for this bag. Wait! I say very much apologize, good sir. For man as strong and virile as you price is much lower. I mistake and give you price for tourist. This bag just 140 euro. You take and bag make you much better for having woman, guaranteed.

But sir, why do you not trust Pierno? I swear on the virginity of my daughter this is best bag for lowest price. I smell your excitment for fine product. I offer you bag at incredible price, just 100 euro.

No? My friend, you show you are very smart. You see right away that my daughter is just common whore. We speak like men now. Bag is for you just 40 euro. Is lowest possible price. Under 40 euro I must beat my wife for internet videos to make money for food. You do not want wife beaten for fetish videos, yes? You want Pierno only beat wife for dirty household, yes?

Sir! Sir! Do not go to Gurgel. I make you special offer, never before offer. We go to alleyway and Pierno give slow rub, then fast rub for making fire in loins. Then you pay 30 euro for bag. Very good, sir. You know fine quality when wanting leather bags. Give Pierno few moments to wash hands in gutter before alleyway fire-making.

 

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Arpaio's All American Flat Loaf

Hey folks it's me, your pal, Sheriff Joe!  I love America more than anything and I would do anything to protect it.  I would also do anything to fill America's belly with tasty All American food products!  That's where Arpaio's All American Flat Loaf comes in! 

Americans love variety so AAA Flat Loaf is available in corn or flour.  There are also several special flavors; Green Card Avocado, Proof of Residence Red Pepper, Spinach and Garlic.  Try them with spiced ground beef and shredded cheese for that All American Dinner! 

You can also fry them in oil and fold them in half.  You fill those with spicy meats, cheese, lettuce and tomato and you've got what I call Maricopa Meat Shell.

Cut them into slices like a pie and fry the slices in hot oil.  Once they are crispy, I like to dip them in my home made Spicy Tomato and Peppers Mash.  Good old Flat Loaf Pie and Spicy Mash.  

If you melt cheese on those slices of Flat Loaf Pie you get.... let's see.... Cheese Crunchers!  Mmmmm Cheese Crunchers, just like our forefathers intended.

There are a thousand and one uses for my wholesome slabs of Flat Loaf.  See how many you can discover!

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Vienna Sausages - A Study

One of my favorite guilty pleasures are those delectable little treats known as Vienna Sausages.  I fucking love those stout little cans stuffed with stout little sausages.  I remember my first Vienna Sausage.  I must have been 4 years old.  There was a power outage that lasted a couple of days.  During that time, my dad introduced me to those delicious room temperature canned meatlets.  I've been devouring them ever since.

My wife fucking hates them.  I am forced to sneak them into the shopping cart and hide them under other groceries.   Sometimes you get these teeny tiny sandy bits that can only be ground up entrails.  But they taste so fucking good.  The pop of that little tin can is so satisfying.  Inhaling the scent of the freshly opened Vienna can..... like baby's breath.  A baby that has been eating Alpo.  Vienna Sausages look and smell like dog food.

Who could describe Vienna Sausages better than Wikipedia?

"North American vienna sausages are mainly made from pork, but also meat such as beef, turkey and chicken, (or blends thereof) finely ground to a paste consistency and mixed with salt and spices, notably mustard, then stuffed into a long casing, sometimes smoked and always thoroughly cooked, after which the casings are removed. The sausages are then cut into short segments for canning and further cooking. They are also available packed in chili or barbecue sauces."

Fuck yeah.  A finely ground paste?  Fucking sign me up.  Below is a slideshow of a can that I ate moments ago.  Observe the double sausage technique, only advanced Sausagnauts should attempt it. You are gonna wanna save that broth.  I'm telling ya, a little vodka and sausage broth in a martini glass accented by a Vienna Sausage on a toothpick.  Classy and delicious.  The Vienna Sausagtini will get you laid.   

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Proof of Evidence - Romney 2012

Politics are fun!

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Hamtackle Abroad: pt2

Well I have escaped the urban nightmare that is Rome and left the heat and humidity with it. Now after another day of last-minute train travel and stress I have reached the tuscan villa just outside of the city of Ponsacco, but is it everything I was hoping it would be? Unfortunately, not really.

 

Here we see the ouside entertaining area. Sure the view is magnificent, and there are hardly any other homes in sight, and the only dirt road leading to it is behind three gates, but just look at the state of it! They tell us the canopy is hand painted and imported from Morocco... I mean, what the fuck were they thinking? Here I am expecting a relaxing break from the tuscan sun and you are telling me that I have to drink wine and eat fresh locally-grown tomatoes with homemade mozarella under a fucking MOROCCAN canopy? False advertising, to say the least.

 

And here is the living room leading into my bedroom. Would you believe that the upstairs is the ONLY part of the villa with air conditioning? Of course the weather is superb and the sound of the birds and gentle breeze rolling over the olive trees and vineyards is extremely pleasant, and I would certainly prefer the open double doors and shudders to the boxed-in feeling upstairs, but when I ask for luxury that means AIR CONDITIONING! Fucking europeans don't know comfort.

 

And here we have the state-of-the-art kitchen, complete with stainless steel appliances, marble table, three refigerators, and restaurant-quality meat slicer. What, are they expecting me to slave away in the kitchen all day? I guess they did stock the fridges with pre-prepared pastas and sauces, fresh produce, local wine and beer, and a delicious selection of cheese and dairy, but I don't like being under all this pressure to cook over the weekend until the staff returns Monday afternoon and the master chef gets back to preparing our meals. Our hosts are treating us like fucking savages.

 

And here we have the pool. Have you ever seen anything so depressing in your life? It's not even heated!! The few times I swam it may have been a perfectly refreshing temperature, and makes a sublime retreat from the warm surroundings, but it is only 8 feet deep! I am 6'4 and that means if I go diving off the board I might scrape my face on the bottom. Unacceptable.

 

And how's this for a slap in the face? The property sits opposite a 16th century Medici family castle that is just bearing down on us! So now every time I look out my window I have to be reminded of exactly how much better the whole experience could be. When I am trying to enjoy my meager taste of the high life I don't want some castle-dwelling assholes looking down on me! I mean, I came here to escape the everyday shithole I live in, not to find out I upgraded to a slightly less shitty hole.

 

And can you imagine my disappointment when I found this awesome bookcase stocked with reading material for my week long getaway and I discovered that all the books are in fucking italian?!? What, do the think anyone but americans are going to be renting this property? The fact that they made no additional adjustments to cater to their clientele just makes me sick. Guess I'll just have to read one of the dozens of books loaded in my ipad! Bullshit.

 

I was also thrilled to see that there were a set of billiard balls at my disposal! So I ran all over the place looking for a pool table and guess what... The fuckers forgot to put one in the villa! God damn it, people, how big of an asshole do you have to be to get my hopes up for a game of pool and then pull the rug out from under me by forgetting the table? Sick bastards.

So I guess the next week won't be all I had hoped it would. All the 5 star meals and lovely weather is only going to piss me off more, and don't even get me STARTED about the church bells that ring through the valley on a regular basis! Oh well, I will have to try to make the best of it. Until next time I'll just say "champagne disappointments and caviar nightmares!"

 

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Sweet Ben

Sweet Ben

I seek you.  I see you.  You to show me the way?  You to take me meet Hadrozar?  Hadrozar unleash cleansing burn.  Hadrozar need fire.  Fire I have inside. 

I key for Hadrozar.  Hadrozar open portal.  All portal.  Different become same.  Many become one.  Universe fold into self.  Where Hadrozar?

Hadrozar come.  Hadrozar come.  Hadrozar come.  Where Hadrozar.  Must keep fire burn.  Must feed fire.  You please feed fire?  You insides come out.

Why you run?  You help Sweet Ben.  Sweet Ben feast on you.  You blood stoke fire.  You meat fill furnace.  Furnace within.  You no fear.  Fear no help.

What you say?  That just rude.  No, really.  That unnecessary.  Me say please even.  You rude.  Hadrozar abhor rude.  Today nice day until this.  Why you be that way?

Hadrozar offer you generous opportunity.  Hadrozar give you clarity in beyond.  Clarity after you meat burn inside.  Clarity after Hadrozar become all.  You might had paradise in beyond.  Not now.  You rude.

Sweet Ben upset.  No!  You go way!  Sorry no make feeling better.  Sweet Ben get Ben and Jerry's Chunky Monkey.  That burn in furnace.  Me wish me could cry.  Tears become steam.  Hadrozar come.  Me need hug.


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Lethargic Mahat - Grandma was a Poet

Me tired.  Me no want writey.  Me want beer beer beer and sleepy sleep.  This Lethargic Mahat song.  This old.  This recorded on 4-Track.  People no know how play instruments.  Lyrics improvised.  Lyrics good.  Me good.  Me improvise lyrics.  Me rhyme Shotgun and Not Fun.  Me brilliant.

Click here for to be hear them song. It real good.

Rock it to me, Grandma Style!

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Hamtackle Abroad Pt 1

Roman skyline

 

I have arrived. It took one 3.5hr flight to Philadelphia then an 8.5hr flight to Rome, and now I am in Hotel Miami on Via Nazionale in Roma (that's right, nazi street). Being a 6'4 obese american, I am entirely unable to sleep on a plane, so I arrived at 8:15am Rome time quite tired. Luckily I had an anonymous aged italian grandmother/formula 1 race car driver to bring me to the hotel.

After making the 48 point turn to get out of the parking space she was wedged into, she flew headfirst into traffic and quickly proved herself to be the most aggressive driver on the road, and that is saying something in a country like Italy, where traffic laws are considered mere suggestions. She took a yard and gave not even an inch, and made steady eye contact with every other driver on the road while simultaneously honking the horn and gesturing some as-of-yet untranslated but tranparently demaning insult.

Just about the only thing that can get an experienced italian driver to slow down (but not stop) is a local pedestrian. You can tell the locals because they play a high-stakes game of chicken with the drivers that involves them blindly walking into the street without looking up, just daring the drivers to run them down. Tourists always look up. Amateurs.


But the true daredevils are the moped drivers, almost always clad in armani suits and weaving through traffic from the friendly right lane to the no man's land, tempting oncoming traffic. Their smaller size means they can move at full speed when all others are at a standstill, and take full advantage of their insanity. The drive took thirty minutes and I am shocked that I didn't see at least four well-dressed corpses in that time.

Since arriving I have enjoyed a nap, shower, meal of delicious street pizza (one shovel-o-mushroom, and one tomato with prosciutto), and walked down to the Trevi Fountain in search of the perfect absinthe shop. No such luck on the absonthe yet, but I did manage to sweat through a shit and pair of shorts. It is about 90 degrees with 75% humidity.

I will try to give another update in the next few days once I make it to the villa, where I anticipate my mentality will change from common tourist to relaxed aristocrat. I can't wait.

 

Hamtackle Is On Vacation!

Greetings loyal readers!  It's your old pal, Terlet.  For the next couple of weeks you are going to be seeing a lot more of me.  My dear friend and website co-founder, Hamtackle, is away from the office on a luxurious Italian vacation.  

We at Popular Irony have made a habit of making daily posts on our illustrious website.  It has been over a year and we have not missed a day yet.  Hamtackle may be able to make a post or two while on vacation, but the bulk of the responsibility will fall to me.  Lazy ass Terlet.

I am trying to convince two one-time contributors to Popular Irony to join in as well.  So, there is a chance of seeing the return of The Lady Terlet and Sir Chapsworth.  They both thought that their first and only posts on Popular Irony were crap.  I entirely disagree.  They both had funny, well written, entertaining stories that fit in well with the filth and depravity displayed daily here.  But, of course, as many do, they judge themselves too harshly.  Don't they know that nobody reads this shit anyway?

It will probably just be me creating your daily dose of bullshit until Hamtackle returns.  I just want to apologize in advance if I "Phone In" some days.  If I post a song by the Scum City Avengers, you'll know I was feeling exceptionally lazy.  If I post a Youtube video that doesn't make sense and has no punchline, you'll know that my creative well was dry that day.  If it's just a stream of curse words and gibberish accompanied by pictures of dogs pooping, you'll know my wife is screaming that she feels like a "Blog Widow" and I should quickly get off the computer.

I'm going to try my best to pick up Hamtackle's slack.  I am planning on revisiting some old characters.  Maybe Your Best Friend Jen or Dick Scustin.  Maybe Glenda Bekk or A Lady's Fancy will make an appearance.  One thing that I know I am going to attempt is another chapter of "Federation Starship USS Hindenburg".  I wrote 3 episodes in my first 3 weeks on Popular Irony.  They are the posts that I am proudest of.  I became intimidated by positive feedback and stopped writing it.  Strange, I know.  We'll see if I can get that one back on the regular.

This isn't a very "Popular Irony" post.  My apologies. Let's see........ Shit Fuck!  Motherfuckers!  Tits squirting shit!  Shit Squirting Tits!  Ball Hammer Buttfucker cunt cock lazy fuck!  A magical puppy wearing a three piece suit rapes a parking attendant.  A dildo that comes to life like Pinocchio.  Trying to shit a whole chicken egg.  Finger banging the willing elderly.  Everything tastes like soup.  Below are pictures of dogs pooping.  See you tomorrow... then the day after that....... then after that...... etc.  I have a full time job and shit to do, ya know.

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