Vicarious Vacation Photos

Well, I promised at least one more cop-out vacation post, so here it is. A short collection of tourist photos taken on my italian trip over the last two weeks. Enjoy it, because I certainly did.

I took this one in... I'm not totally sure. I think it's venice.

 

This is the beautiful church in sienna. Quite a monument to man's ability to devote themselves entirely to an imaginary god. I would like to pat myself on the back for a beautiful picture, but I think it has more to do with the incredible subject matter.

 

This is ponte vecchio bridge in florence. A great place to stand shoulder-to-shoulder with sweaty germans and buy gold. It's literally THE ONLY THING on the bridge. Gold shops.

 

I took this picture while standing in the ruins of pompei. That is the (still active) volcano vesuvius. One day it will kill everyone there and in nearby naples. Someday.

 

And this is the view from the city walls of the very defensible hill city of volterra. It was built on the ancient greek-etruscan city from antiquity, but is more famous now for being the filming site for one of the shitty twilight movies. I fucking hate humanity.

 

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Tenacious D - Low Hangin' Fruit - Red Rocks - 7-26-2012

Tenacious D - Low Hangin' Fruit.... LIVE!   It was filmed from the very top of Red Rocks on a shitty phone that can't zoom in.  Terrible footage, great concert!

Olympic Participation Medals

Every two years the world's greatest athletes meet up to determine who is the best in their respective sports, but the top-level competition always boils down to a few industrialized nations that have all the advantages. And with the exception of the John Candy film Cool Runnings, there are relatively few surprises. Well, since we face another summer olympics this week I decided to give some much-deserved recognition to those olympic hopefuls that fight against all odds by awarding some participation medals.

First I would like to recognize the Japanese high jumpers, who have valiantly attended every summer olympics just to be beaten soundly by all other countires. This year's star jumper is Keiko Matsuo, the most decorated female high jumper in japanese history and standing at an incredible 5'2" tall, a full 3" taller than the next tallest Japanese competitor. She is expected to make it through to the preliminary round where she will be embarrassed by the rest of the field immedietly. For her efforts we award her the medal of participation.

Next on our list of participation medal recipients is the Israeli beach volleyball team. They continue to show astounding resolve and courage to report to every match despite their genetically-inherited habit of becoming grossly disoriented when they come in contact with sand. One is quickly reminded of Moses leading the jews through the desert for fourty long years when viewing the confused Israeli team, hunched over and bumping into the net the moment they enter the sandy volleyball pit. But they continue to proudly compete in the face of insurmountable opposition. We tip our hats, Israel!

And finally we want to recognize Iraq's womens swimming team, who routinely finish several minutes behind their olympic rivals in every event, sometimes even paying the ultimate price and drowning before reaching their goal. But every spectator must respect their cultural commitment to remain wrapped in their traditional burka despite the obvious danger and disadvantage. Perhaps one day the Iraqi team will have their requests granted by the olympic committee and they will be able to perform their races in poorly lit rooms watched only by their husbands, allowing them to be clad in only a respectful all-encompassing onesie. Until that day, they will have to do with just this participation medal.



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Exploring Italian Stereotypes

 

I am back from my two-week italian getaway and now report back to the Popular Irony readers with some of my observations of the experience. I visited Rome, Venice, Florence, Naples, Pompei, Ponsacco, San Gimignano, Sienna, Lucca, Voltarra, Pontedera, and Pisa. And I found a few consistencies that held true in all these places.

Firstly, the women. Italian women did not disappoint, although I had to enjoy them at a distance to avoid any international incidents. But something mysterious happens to them when they age, and they seem to go through a strange metamorphosis cycle following puberty. Teenage italian women are almost entirely made up of gorgeous dark-haired and olive-skinned fashion model godesses, and that remains true throughout their twenties, but after their 35th birthday they take a dramatic change. They seem to gain 60 pounds overnight, sprout facial hair and warts, and adopt a shrimp-like posture that they accentuate with layer after layer of home-knit clothing and at least two scarves. But this change comes with one clear advantage: they transform into master chefs. So if dating an italian woman, beware.

It also appears that Italy makes no effort to pander to the needs of their handicapped population. Nowhere did I encounter wheelchair ramps, braile notices, or hook-shaped door handles. It is as if they are trying to pretend the less fortunate citizens of their country do not exist, and it seems to be working. You see disabled people nowhere on the streets, except the unfortunate ones that clog the tourist areas as beggars. I have a suspicion that some of the lazier people there purposly chop of limbs and gouge out eyes as a career move. Then again, maybe they are just collecting funds to help their defunct government install a fucking ramp or two at the train station.

And they speak loudly. And with comically exaggerated hand gestures. A perfectly silent bus ride would frequently be interrupted by a local who screamed into the phone as if it owed them money and inadvertantly pummeled the stranger seated next to them with a uniquely italian version of karate. I swear that if you hancuffed an italian they would be rendered mute. And while I am ranting on the subject I would like to point out that the vast majority of italians haven't taken the common courtesy of learning english, so no civilized people can understand a word. No wonder they are drowning the EU in debt, circling with Spain and Greece around the economic drain.

And while the food is wonderful, and the coffe and wine is sublime, the drinking water is complete shit. "Aqua minerale, naturale or frizzante". No thanks. Your water tastes like it came from the tap and it isn't even properly chilled, making it useful only for pissing or shitting into. And don't get me started on carbonated water. With the exception of my esteemed blog partner Terlet it is consumed only by douchebags and date rapists.

I'm sure there are many more stereotypes I am leaving out, including the copious body odor resulting from too much hair and too little personal hygiene, but I wouldn't want to accidentally offend anyone. So I will end my observations here, but don't think for one second this is my last vacation-related post. I took too many pictures and am far too lazy not to take full advantage of them, so there is more coming.

 

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Three Enlightening Factoids from the Lady Terlet

Hello Readers. Hamtackle is completing the very last leg of his journey abroad and Terlet just simply cannot be bothered this evening.  Therefore, I, the Lady Terlet, have been charged with informing and educating the Popular Irony readers.  As a student of the world, I have obtained a slight level of expertise in several topics.  Here are three little known, yet possibly helpful factoids to consider in your everyday life. 

• If the oil in your car is not very dark or dirty when you go in for a change, most lube businesses will re-use that oil in the next car.  Therefore, it is often the case that a driver will leave with dirtier oil than that with which he came.  

• The most common places to have a murder fantasy are:

              3.  A high school

              2.  In traffic

              1.   In a Walmart Supercenter 

• People who habitually tip less than 18% of their bill at dinner annually consume 87% more semen and saliva than the average hardcore porn star.

Now, you have been educated.  Use this information wisely in your daily routine.  I thank you for your patronage.

Love Is In The Heir

Pyongyang (AP) - A pairing of historic proportions has taken place in The Democratic People's Republic Of Korea, more commonly known as North Korea, as dear leader Kim Jong-un has wed an until now unknown partner named Ri Sol-ju in a ceremony described by state broadcasters as "completely legitimate and in no way constructed for political appearances". Critics claim this is an effort to transform the littlest Kim's image as an untested and rather pudgy child-king into a virile and masculine ruler teeming with sexual energy, but all indications from the notoriously tight-lipped regime appear to show a country in full celebration of this wonderous union.

 

 

Kim Jong-un and his bride in smiling approval of the opening of the first ever amusement park

The state has issued an order to "display emotions of cheer and excitement" to residents nationwide for the next week and have taken unprecedented actions to ensure the proper enjoyment of the impromptu holiday for the newlywed leader, such as establishing the nation's first "amusement park", consisting of a three acre zone of abandoned farmland in which any visitor is mandated to smile enthusiastically or face "the extinction of the perpetrator's familial bloodline".

Even those condemned by the regime have been invited to take part in the nation's pride, as state re-education camps have arranged to reduce the routine 18 hour daily torture sessions down to a paltry 16 hours for the remainder of the week. When asked to comment on the joyous occasion one detainee was quoted as saying "Please send help. My last meal was four days ago and consisted solely of the marrow cracked from my own amputated limb".

And in an attempt to display their grandeur to the world, North Korea has planned an event they are calling "A night of 10,467 lights", where they will break with current restrictions by supplying electrical power to the entire country for a full 24 hour period beginning tomorrow morning, leading countless residents to prepare in excited anticipation for such luxurious activities as reading pre-screened state-sanctioned propaganda literature, and navigating their way to the communal latrines after hours without using the guide ropes.

Indeed, spirits are running high in this land of stoic cynicism, and the international community looks on in patronizing approval of the country's meager efforts to appear powerful and relevant in the face of crippling cultural and economic shortfalls. Perhaps this is a sign of progress for North Korea in the years to come under the Dear Leader and his new bride, but many express their doubts that they will end their free-fall descent in terms of cultural, scientific, economic, and technological insignificance.

 

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Chick-N-Chunks

At Chick-N-Chunks we serve a higher purpose than just serving delicious fast food.  We are vigilant and pious modern day crusaders.  We help spread God's word one tasty bite at a time.  Our Christian values and ethics have birthed a highly successful and universally loved fast food chain.  We are closed on Sundays so our employees can worship any of the correct religions they want, without the worry of toil.   

We don't discriminate, everyone is welcome at Chick-N-Chunks.  Why not try one of our delicious specials.

The Christian Crusader - This is our classic chicken sandwich.  The sandwich that put Chick-N-Chunks on the map.  Try it with Prophet Sauce for a baptism of flavor.

The Marriage is Between a Man and a Woman Sandwich - Our tasty breaded chicken breast topped with swiss and a generous length of ham.  Ask for the Civil Union for just ham.

The God Hates Fags Sandwich - We put a spicy spin on our classic Christian Crusader.  It is topped with devilish blend of peppers, spices, mayonnaise and ranch..  This hot little number will make your mouth burn in eternal hellfire. 

So stop on by Chick-N-Chunks for a holy helping of Christian values and a belly full of delicious chicken!


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Anatomical Incompatibilities

Good evening, let me introduce myself, I am .... whoa whoa whoa!  ... don't panic.  Yes, yes... calm down now, no need to scream.  What's that?.....  Well, yes.  You have been abducted and I am an alien so "Abducted by Aliens" is an apt statement.  There is no need to be upset.  I am one of those FUN aliens. 

You know, fun aliens.  I'm a handful of ET with a skoshe of Mac & Me topped off with a whole lot of Starman.  Do you know which part of Starman?  Remember in that movie when Jeff Bridges stuffed Karen Allen full of his hot alien genitals?  .... Yes!  That's right!  I'm going to fuck you.

Oh come on now.... That's just insulting.  It won't be that bad, I promise.  I will wipe your memory afterwards and everything.  This always surprises you but, this is not the first time we have done this.  I've been banging you since the 9th grade.  According to my planet's customs, you are my Booty Bitch.  Really now, there is no need to get upset.  This is happening whether you want it or not. 

Now why don't you come lay down on these fine satin sheets.  I know you like satin.  I've already taken the liberty of disrobing you and sterilizing your epidermis.  You are a filthy piggy you know that?  But that is why I like you.  You are my little piggy.  My wittle earthy piggy wiggums.

Well, that is enough foreplay, let's get to the fucking.  Now you may experience a great amount of displeasure.  We share a few anatomical incompatibilities.  You only have one outie and one innie down there.  That just does not work for me.  As you can see when I lift up my robe, I have... Again with the screaming?.... Yes, those are tentacles and teeth, nothing you haven't' had inside you before.

Now don't worry, whatever holes I make I can easily fix.  Our reconstructive surgery methods are centuries beyond yours.  You won't even be able to tell the difference.  You have not scarred yet, have you? 

Let's get this shit going before your wife and kids wake up.  I'm gonna start vomiting lubricant on your loins and you.... well, you just bite that pillow.  Did I mention that I love you?

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No Get Tender Fingers Filthy, Assistance By Stick.

I got here bucket of fishes.  Bet you no keep yer eyes offen them!  Them fish finest quality for you!  You buy fish?  You stop you worry, this bucket also has ice in.  Ice makes fish no rot, no even little rot!  If'n you likes fish maybe you also like Creamed Cheese?  Perfect for spread on fish.  Them highest quality Creamed Cheese.  Creamed Cheese made from best part of other Creamed Cheese.  I make into special ball with fish.  No worry, me wring out melty ice water.

You want buy special Moist Creamed Fish Balls?  Special incentive of rolling fish ball in oats.  Finest oats for you healthy heart!  Sweeten deal further now!  Further with put on stick.  Now you eat Moist Oat Creamed Fish Balls on Stick!  No get tender fingers filthy, assistance by stick.

Wait but there more!  Can't won't be complete without Dip Sauces.  Choices have Egg Vinegar, Porked Water, Fatted Salt, Sweet Liver and White Gelatins.  Think hard, you choice get one only. 

You take here... Here you take... You take here.... Here you take....  No take?  How not possessed by hungry?  Shown you delights secret, unknown flavor.  Passed up none have before, how you?  Convinced you I have?!  YES!  Pity I use, pity exuded.  $5.  Yes, $5.  What sauce?  No sauce?!  Take you sauce!!  Yes, finest Porked Water. 

Eat here now.  No walk away.  Watching pleasure face.  Eat now for old man?  Don't forgetting Porked Water, let soak....  Now eat.  You eat everyday.  You eat everyday here.  You bring $5 everyday and eat foods from bucket.  Tomorrow special, Fish Milk Bucket.  You still no eat?  Help you food put in mouth I can.  I will!

Four-Barrel Shotgun

I have had a long day so I have decided to share some vacation photos!  Oh Boy!  Everybody loves looking at another person's vacation photos.  I know... I'm lazy.

 I was in an art museum in San Francisco last year and this caught my eye.  It's a four-barrel shotgun.  Pretty bad-ass, eh? 

Aw Yeah

BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM

Bitch better have my money!

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