Food Porn Vol. 1 - The Brownie

Mmmmm.  Baby, you look so good..... I want you inside of me.

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It's Warmachine Craft Time Bitches!! Part 2

Well well well, if it isn't my little Bitches... Sup bitches!?  I know it's been a while since we last shot the shit.  As I was cleaning up after my last "Warmachine Craft Time" I accidentally buried an X-Acto knife several inches into my stomach.  Motherfuck that hurt!!  Please remember bitches, don't drink and craft.  After a lengthy hospital stay and multiple Staph Infections, I'm back!  HAIL CRYX!!  HAIL DRAGONFATHER!!  HAIL TORUK!!

Hershel Moore Esq.

Now where the fuck did we leave off?  Last time all ya'll bitches saw me start construction on my first Cryx Warmachine miniature.  The Variant Pose Pistol Wraith.  I filed the scraps off, drilled, pinned and glued that bitch.  Today's lesson is gonna be a fucking piece of cake.  All I need to do is putty the joints on that handsome little motherfucker!  Wherever I drilled and pinned is probably gonna need a bit of patching up.

What the Fuck!?  A paintbrush for putty!?

When I was swinging my Warhammer 40K dick around a few years ago, I would always patch up my miniature's gaps with "Green Stuff".  It's like some epoxy putty or some such shit.  You would make tiny, little sausages out of the putty and gently stick em to your miniature.  After it drys, you scrape and texture that shit to make it match your miniature's clothes and shit.  I decided to try a product that I have never used.  I got some motherfucking Liquid Green Stuff!!  I know you are saying "What What!!??".  It is unbelievable bitches, but it's true.

That armpit looks fucking immaculate.

Because the gaps needing a patch job on this miniature are not too big, I figured this was a perfect motherfucking time to use the Liquid Green.  I popped the cap and dipped my tip in that green dip.  Shit, that stuff feels sweeeet.  It's like a thick syrup.  I dipped and dabbed at the joint where I attached his left arm.   Bitches, I gotta tell you.... I'ma liking this Liquid Green.  It fills those hard to reach gaps and applies easily.  Now I just need to fill in his waist a bit.  He fucking loves getting his waist filled by my moist tip.  Yeah, I said it.  After this shit drys, I'm gonna carve it up a bit to make it match the overall texture of the rest of the miniature. 

Aw shit! Once that is painted, you won't be able to tell where the Liquid Green starts and God's dick ends.

Fuck!  That is gonna look good!  Next time we meet you better where a diaper because our modeling adventures are gonna make you shit blood!  I'm gonna carve that dried Liquid Green, Then I'm gonna spray on some Primer and then it's fucking Paint time!!!  Fuck me sideways, I've got the biggest boner right now!  Please join me again for my further adventures in 30 mm tabletop miniatures battle gaming.  Warmachines forever bitches!!  HAIL CRYX!!




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Hamtackle 2012: A Super Tuesday Reminder

Greetings, my fellow Americans. It has been a long couple of months in the independent campaign of Hamtackle 2012, as I have been unable to secure adequate funding to get on the ballot in any of the Super Tuesday state primary elections. We are still working towards a strong showing in the general election as a write-in candidate, so I wanted to make sure the expansive Popular Irony viewing electorate were properly introduced to the current set of options for the presidential election this year. So please take a moment to read over this brief profile of each of my competitors, and remember to keep your hopes high for Hamtackle in 2012!

The republican primary season is reaching a crossroads today as voters line up and bend over for their rapist of choice. Expected to penetrate deepest and with most frequency is Mitt Romney, who is best described as an extra-terrestrial's best approximation of an American presidential candidate. I would welcome the opportunity shake hands with Mitt, not for some kind of gesture of political support but rather to quell my sneaking suspicion that his flesh is a cold silicone shell protecting his vital circuitry components. As a man that makes over $50,000 every day, he makes no effort at all to hide his unfamiliarity with the rest of the country. In perhaps his biggest political gaff yet, Mitt Romney admitted to profiting handsomely from an illegal ring of gladiator-style orphan fighting that was funded by the online sale of the tears of crying rape victims.

But he is not alone, as Romney's vie for the batshit vote is being challenged rather successfully by Rick Santorum. Santorum is a man with radical views about the direction of America's future, and believes rather strongly that the government must establish a new investigative branch that specializes in the sexual habits of private citizens in order to prevent what he would categorize as "moral decay". His belief in small government is so strong that his presidency would create an administration small enough to fit into your bedroom to protect you from you own free will. In Rick Santorum's perfect world every sexual act would result in pregnancy, and each reluctant parent should be solely responsible for their unwanted spawn's education and health care. That's right, no more contraception and no more public school system.

Perhaps the only thing preventing the successful defeat of Mitt Romney by Rick Santorum is the fact that many of the sheep-like religious conservative voters that will NEVER vote for a mormon are tied up in support for Newt Gingritch, who is currently beating out a competitive field for the support of the "bigot" demographic. He has been able to stay in the race despite being personally disliked by the countless Americans that have never met him, and even more so by the unfortunate few that have. He is a prominent adulterer and hypocrite of note, being on the receiving end of several well-documented extra-marital blowjobs from now-wife Calista on congressional property while simultaneously orchestrating a political witch hunt agains then-president Bill Clinton for doing the same. His talent is being snide, pompous and hateful, all of which are core virtues of the GOP elite. His polling numbers have dropped like a stone since late last year, leaving him in a virtual tie for last place and a nearly 30 point polling fall.

And any discussion of unelectable last place republican presidential candidates is never complete without mentioning Ron Paul. This man has all the charm of the quintessential small-town grandfather, with all of the outdated ideals one would expect. He has the fervent support of the youth demographic, which predictably translates into limited voter output. The greatest draw to this candidate (besides his assertion that all drugs should be legalized, which accounts for roughly 80% of his popularity) is his consistency on every subject without fail and his willingness to stand by an unpopular opinion with unwavering stubbornness, much as one would not be surprised that their elderly grandfather shit himself and stewed in it until his family discovered it from smell alone. His ultimate goal is to pass along all federal responsibilities to the state government, pretty much absolving his administration from any responsibility whatsoever.  So voting for him is kind of like making your place kicker team captain. He also holds the distinction of being the only candidate still in the race to have failed to win a single state so far, earning him the leftover pity votes that are cast in objection to the quality of the remaining field this election season.

These men stand united agains what they term to be the greatest threat to America, namely sitting president Barack Obama. Obama seeks re-election in the face of one of the most challenging presidential terms in memory, inheriting two active wars and an economy in freefall. He is criticized by the left for renewing the Patriot Act, failing to deliver a single-payer system to control health insurance rates that could fluctuate wildly with a personal mandate, being slow to respond to humanitarian crises in Syria and Libya, and for failing to live up to the message of "hope" and "change" that became his motto in the last presidential cycle. He is criticized by the right for baseless claims that he is a secretly foreign-born muslim extremist that is just waiting for the right moment to enact sharia law and reign as the second-coming of Joseph Stalin in a new American socialist state. To be fair, under his presidency there has been a reversal of downward economic trends, Osama Bin Laden and Moammar Gadhafi are dead, a universal heathcare plan complete will patient's bill of rights has been passed, and just recently both Iran and North Korea appear willing to work with the international community toward monitoring their nuclear programs.

So there you have it, America. All losers down to the last candidate. Expect to see a revised and reanimated candidacy for president from yours truly, Hamtackle. I hope to see a dropout or two after tonight's results are final and will address you, the people with my short list of choices for my vice-presidential runningmate. Until then, just thank your lucky stars that Hamtackle is waiting to represent the REAL America.

Let's Make Dessert!

Get yer goddamn tastebuds ready, because we're making dessert tonight! This delicious mess is called "The grapioca-ketchup burrito". This one goes great after any garlic-heavy entrée and does a number on the residual flavor the chronic belching delivers.



To create this culinary masterpiece you are going to need:

• 1 flour tortilla
• 1 tapioca pudding snack cup
• 3 tablespoons grape jelly
• ~10 pickled jalapeño slices
• 3 tablespoons ketchup
• 2 servings of whipped topping
• 1oz vodka (optional)

First you will need to prepare the tortilla for the gastric raping you are about to inflict upon it. As a courtesy, I like to splash some vodka on mine to keep it supple and submissive after a quick 20 second trip in the microwave. This way it won't fight back until it's too late.

Take the tapioca snack cup and dump that bitch on the steamy tortilla. Get your fingers in there and knead the tapioca in, so it becomes one with the floury skin underneath. Don't worry too much about technique here. The delicious will happen on it's own.

Now spoon in that grape jelly! So far so good, right? That's because it's fucking delicious, and don't you forget it. Why tapioca doesn't already come with grape jelly in it I will never know.

But this burrito needs to bite back! That's why you add jalapeño slices to your preferred spice level. Tip: If you add fewer than five slices then you are a pussy, and pussies have no business eating grapioca-ketchup burritos.

And what goes great with jalapeño slices? You guessed it... ketchup. Spray the vinegary sauce all over your tortilla canvas like Peter North. If you are so inclined, videotape it. I guarantee at least 10,000 hits on youtube if you get the lighting right.

Wrap that puppy up, folding the bottom up and the sides over like a tasty envelope. Once rolled you may have to suppress the urge to deep-throat the tortilla tube and drain it's contents down your gullet. Do not be alarmed, this is a natural reaction. But you are going to want to savor every bite, and such aggressive consumption would rob you of the pleasure.

Ok, we are almost ready to tear into it. Just add the whipped topping and another liberal dash of ketchup to finish it off. Remember that ketchup has a lot of sugar in it, so it goes great with any dessert. Don't be shy with the stuff or you won't be able to look your children in the eyes.

I split mine in two for presentation purposes only, and I have no intention of sharing this delectable pile with anyone else.  I enjoyed it so much that I awoke two hours later with no memory of having eaten it, but stained with the gooey remnants all over my face and neck.  This dish is very powerful, capable of eliminating any hunger and replacing it with a deep shame that can take hours to recover from.

As a footnote, I would feel uneasy without full disclosure. I suffered for many days with severe colonic distress after eating this for the first time. I shat so vigorously that afterwards I had to take a shower and check if my balloon-knot came untied. But after forcing it upon myself over the years I have grown to tolerate it quite nicely. I hope you will have the same determination.

Lethargic Mahat - Lobster, Butter and Blowjob

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I Love The City Bus!

You know what really pisses me off? People that talk bad about the city bus system. There is no finer example of human transit than the beautiful city bus! How else would you get the multicultural exposure needed to truly appreciate this fine city's ethnic diversity?

I get no greater pleasure in life than handing over my $2.25 to the never-smiling elderly gentleman driver and wading through the bovine masses that populate the first ten rows (less distance to walk, you see) and past the four teenage gang members that hang out in the aisle just waiting for you to bump into them, to the back of the bus where only the most experienced passengers are able to stand the stench of stagnant pools of homeless urine. There is no other way to experience the city!

One time I watched an obese woman eat an entire jar of mayonnaise with a spoon! She barely took a breath between spoonfulls, and made it from opening the seal to discarding the jar in just twelve city blocks! Now you couldn't PAY most people to do that for your entertainment, and here she is on display for FREE!

And another time I watched a drunk guy pass out with a full-on erection in plain sight! There were two guys that looked like they were going to rob him, but turned tail when they caught a glimpse of it. I mean, what an amazing defense mechanism! This drunk has evolved to display an aggressive erection to prevent being victimized in public. Ingenious!

As far as I'm concerned the longer the trip on the public bus system the better! When you have to make transfers you can really bump into some interesting people. Once I ended up on a filipino bus that had an incredibly dangerous vibe, then I looked behind me and saw a man with a rifle sitting next to children! I was so taken with their cultural authenticity that I snapped a photo! The man was so flattered that he pointed the rifle at me and started shouting, just so I could enjoy a genuine inner-city bus riding experience! How great are these people?

I am almost glad that I ran over that toddler while blind drunk and lost my license. Without that happy tragedy I would have never been exposed to the awesome world of the city bus system! See you later... On the bus!

INTRODUCING THE FEDERATION OF ACTION GRAPPLING!!!

ANNOUNCING THE GREATEST SPORTS SPECTACLE OF THE CENTURY!!!

Coming Soon To Popular Irony!  Jump into the squared circle as these Behemoths of BeatDowns Rumble and Tumble in a Jumble to the Death!!...... or just to severe exhaustion.

We are proud to announce the FEDERATION OF ACTION GRAPPLING!!  A 16 man tourney to crown the most dangerous brute on the planet!!  

COMING SPRING 2012
KEEP YOUR EYES OPEN!  WHILE YOU STILL GOT 'EM!!

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The Most Dangerous Lobby In Russia

Good evening, readers!  I decided to cut together my first video post, and what better subject than the random and brutal tradition of fistfighting in Russia?  The frantic action inspired me to give it a more appropriate soundtrack.  Do enjoy.

Beware the Leap Day Death of Davy Jones

Herbert Poucher, PhD

The demon of “Leap Day” has finally acquired his black knight.  After centuries of failed attempts to create a mass breach of our reality, the tools of our disposal have gently fluttered into his hands. 

Every four years, humanity enters a state of mass hallucination.  The entire race dreams a non-existent day.  The earth actually does go around the sun every 365 days, not the pathetic lie of 365.25 days.  Humans added the .25 as a feeble way of explaining away the existence of Leap Day.  The truth is much too difficult for the average human brain to handle.  

Once every four years, the portal to the dungeon dimensions of the "Leaper" opens.  His influence spills across the hive mind of humanity like thick, black syrup.  Every human exists in this temporal dream-state thinking that it is just any other day.  Little do they know the Leaper is poking and prying in everyone's mind, clawing desperately to garner your attention and in doing so, claiming your soul.  The only people who die on Leap Day, did so because the Leaper was able to penetrate their psychic barrier.  Those who would have died anyway, the ill and elderly are easy prey, a healthy person is almost impossible for him to defeat.

It is extremely difficult for the Leaper to gain anyone's attention.  The soul is a human's astral-immune system to extra-dimensional influences.  If that immune system is somehow compromised, the Leaper can infect the soul, devouring it.  A human's soul can become susceptible in many different ways.  Our actions, whether conscious or unconscious, alter the soul's configuration.  A soul could become infected by the owner simply noticing a particularly pleasant sunset, or by not ordering the quiche.  Any action could prevent your soul from compensating to the shifting psychic vibrations.

The psychic plane is composed entirely of varying degrees of vibration.  Our existence resonates in different ways on the psychic plane and our soul, in turn, reacts to those vibrations.  If a soul is unable to compensate for a particular vibration, it can become infected.  People's souls become infected all the time, just like any other illness.  Your psychic immune system will eventually repair itself just like your physical body's immune system.  The problem occurs when your soul is compromised and there is something there to take advantage of it.

It takes four years for the Leaper to gather enough power to assert the mass hallucination.  He will use his claimed souls as weapons of conquest on the psychic plane.  He will attempt to bombard everyone with distraction.  If your grandmother died on the previous Leap Day, he may use her as a weapon on the following Leap Day.  Her vibrations would be familiar to your vibrations and he could use her a pry bar on your soul.  But healthy human souls form a collective web.  Your healthy soul, supported by neighboring souls, is easily able to ignore and overcome the attempt.  But if the Leaper had claimed a person that could resonate with multiple souls at the same time, the joint, protective web of souls could be infected en masse.  Which brings me to my point....

Davy Jones of the Monkees died today.  Today is Leap Day.  As I type this we are all swimming in the Leaper's psychic war zone.  His weapons are weak this year, he is only claiming the dying.  He has not been able to crack the shells of any healthy souls as far as I can tell.  But then Davy Fucking Jones had to go and have a heart attack in the middle of the Leap Day hallucination.  He belongs to the Leaper now.  In four years we are all dead.

In four years, "Daydream Believer" will be echoing from the trumpets of of the Leaper's evil, psychic hordes.  Davy Jone's sweet voice will be the Ebola virus of the astral plane.  We will, in unison, recognize the songs of The Monkees, and with that our web of souls with shatter and a domino effect of distraction and infection will follow.  We will belong to the Leaper.  Thanks Davy Jones.

It's sad to think that we all only have four years to live.  Well you all have four years, I have slightly less. I'm going to do the smart thing on February 28th, 2016, by eating a fucking bullet.  The Leaper won't get me!  HE WON'T GET ME!!  HA HA HA HA!

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You Have 2 New Messages

Hello sexycougar241,

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