Monday, March 5, 2012

Let's Make Dessert!

Get yer goddamn tastebuds ready, because we're making dessert tonight! This delicious mess is called "The grapioca-ketchup burrito". This one goes great after any garlic-heavy entrée and does a number on the residual flavor the chronic belching delivers.

To create this culinary masterpiece you are going to need:

  • 1 flour tortilla
  • 1 tapioca pudding snack cup
  • 3 tablespoons grape jelly
  • ~10 pickled jalapeño slices
  • 3 tablespoons ketchup
  • 2 servings of whipped topping
  • 1oz vodka (optional)

First you will need to prepare the tortilla for the gastric raping you are about to inflict upon it. As a courtesy, I like to splash some vodka on mine to keep it supple and submissive after a quick 20 second trip in the microwave. This way it won't fight back until it's too late.

Take the tapioca snack cup and dump that bitch on the steamy tortilla. Get your fingers in there and knead the tapioca in, so it becomes one with the floury skin underneath. Don't worry too much about technique here. The delicious will happen on it's own.

Now spoon in that grape jelly! So far so good, right? That's because it's fucking delicious, and don't you forget it. Why tapioca doesn't already come with grape jelly in it I will never know.

But this burrito needs to bite back! That's why you add jalapeño slices to your preferred spice level. Tip: If you add fewer than five slices then you are a pussy, and pussies have no business eating grapioca-ketchup burritos.

And what goes great with jalapeño slices? You guessed it... ketchup. Spray the vinegary sauce all over your tortilla canvas like Peter North. If you are so inclined, videotape it. I guarantee at least 10,000 hits on youtube if you get the lighting right.

Wrap that puppy up, folding the bottom up and the sides over like a tasty envelope. Once rolled you may have to suppress the urge to deep-throat the tortilla tube and drain it's contents down your gullet. Do not be alarmed, this is a natural reaction. But you are going to want to savor every bite, and such aggressive consumption would rob you of the pleasure.

Ok, we are almost ready to tear into it. Just add the whipped topping and another liberal dash of ketchup to finish it off. Remember that ketchup has a lot of sugar in it, so it goes great with any dessert. Don't be shy with the stuff or you won't be able to look your children in the eyes.

I split mine in two for presentation purposes only, and I have no intention of sharing this delectable pile with anyone else.  I enjoyed it so much that I awoke two hours later with no memory of having eaten it, but stained with the gooey remnants all over my face and neck.  This dish is very powerful, capable of eliminating any hunger and replacing it with a deep shame that can take hours to recover from.

As a footnote, I would feel uneasy without full disclosure. I suffered for many days with severe colonic distress after eating this for the first time. I shat so vigorously that afterwards I had to take a shower and check if my balloon-knot came untied. But after forcing it upon myself over the years I have grown to tolerate it quite nicely. I hope you will have the same determination.

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