Saturday, March 31, 2012

A Gentleman's Guide To Civilized Shitting

I spend a lot of time voyeuristically watching people defecate, and over the years I have noticed some pretty disturbing trends. Most men simply close the stall door and grunt out a hasty dump without giving the experience the attention that it deserves, then carelessly flushing the log as if it bore no significance whatsoever. This is why I decided to write a brief guide to proper pooping from the perspective of a fecal connoisseur with decades of experience. I can turn even the most hasty and care-free shitter into a gentleman of the porcelain throne.

First and foremost, in order to properly shit one must be dressed for the occasion, or rather, undressed. Ideally a gentleman must always defecate nude in order to protect the fine garments he wears, particularly when using public restrooms. A good rule of thumb is that you should never shit wearing anything that can't be washed with a garden hose, or be discarded as soon as they suffer splash damage. One must be aware that even the softest fecal matter can hit the water with the force of a carpenter's hammer causing not only a startling wetness to your nethers, but also droplets of arrant sewage tarnishing whatever you were foolish enough to keep bundled around your ankles. If you are a "never nude" or simply must otherwise remain clothed, I suggest carrying a pocket poncho for the purposes of covering all exposed clothing.

The second issue to address is the dampening of your rusty trumpet as you relieve bowel pressure. A true gentleman sings his way through the act, not only masking any embarrassing noises but also entertaining anyone lucky enough to occupy adjacent stalls, or lets say... watching from above or something. You will also be glad to learn that singing in the bathroom comes with acoustic perks and, much like a slide whistle, one can adjust the pitch of their voice dependent on the length and girth of the log. I myself have achieved a baritone nearly two octaves below my documented singing range during one particularly aggressive crap.

And your gentlemanly duties don't stop once the dookie hits the water. I was pleasantly clued in by a colleague to the wonders of wiping with baby wipes, and thus I always travel with a pack for any unexpected blowouts. And make certain that you have a battery-operated personal fan, because the sensation of the alcohol evaporating from your filth bagel is a magical experience when paired with a gentle breeze. Just be extra careful that you don't get your undercarriage tangled in the fan blades, as that can result in a rather embarrassing ambulance ride. But with the proper care you can be assured that your cornhole with remain always rim-ready and your silk underwear skid-free.

The final step before flushing may be the most important. Being proactive about your own colon health can be the difference between pleasurable shitting and painful hemorrhoids and possible polyp outbreak/cancer. Carry with you a pair of latex disposable gloves that have enough thickness to hold up to the stench, and gently cradle the log paying close attention to temperature and consistency. Break it apart and inhale the aroma (healthy shits should smell like death) and rummage through the contents looking for traces of undigested food, indicating you have to work on your chewing when dining. Warning signs would be a sour, milky odor, the presence of blood or blood clotting, clumps of tangled hair, or parasites. With consistent monitoring you can not only be assured that you have a healthy digestive system, but you can also save thousands of unnecessarily spent healthcare dollars!

So get your civilized shitting routine started today and who knows... maybe I will be seeing you soon!


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