Friday, March 9, 2012

The Truth About Kony 2012

The internet has been all aflutter with discussion about the evils of Joseph Kony of Uganda. But we here at Popular Irony are once again bringing the true story without any of the erroneous filtering that the mainstream media has been spewing. Sure, he may have kidnapped and enslaved between 30,000 and 65,000 children to fight in his personal army, and maybe he is reinterpreting the ten commandments to give him license to create mass destruction, and true, he may have performed ritualized rape and cannibalism, but that isn't the whole story of Kony.

Did you know that Kony is an amateur chef? It is true that he spends much of his free time reproducing dishes he sees on cable cooking shows and lovingly feeding them to his adoring masses of displaced kiddie soldiers. Word on the street is that he makes a macaroni and cheese dish that is absolutely killer!

And long before Joe Kony was a fighter, he was a tender lover. That's right, the reports of brutality surrounding his actions stand in stark contrast to the reports of his various lovers/rape victims. Apparently he is well known for being a very considerate rapist, and always precedes any non-consensual sex with a sincere offering of flowers, just like a true gentleman.

And would you believe that Kony is the life of the party? Well, believe it! He is a much-celebrated dancer that can cut a rug almost as efficiently as he can cut a nine-year-old's throat! Take a look at him dancing! If he wasn't so successful as a war criminal I bet he could make quite an impact on the judges of "Dancing With The Stars". The American viewing audience can't help but love his rags-to-riches story of how he rose to prominence in a politically volatile, struggling African nation.

And long after the day's raping, pillaging, and slaughtering is over, he often serenades his loyal troops with the smooth improvised jazz tunes played personally on his treasured clarinet. He is a self-taught classical and jazz player that would fit in well in any contemporary orchestra, and continues his passionate playing even though he receives no international recognition for his art. Some speculation persists that he may be one of the modern musical greats, but lives in relative obscurity because of political bias against him.

And look here as he cuddles his beloved companion "Adolf", the german shepherd. Could somebody that loves his dog this much be ALL bad? Supposedly his dog goes everywhere with him, dining, jogging, and even bathing together. The number-one indicator of psychotic tendencies is cruelty to animals. Yet here he is as loving as any one of us. Perhaps we are too quick to judge him based on a 30 minute documentary.

So I guess we might have to look at ourselves before we judge him. Besides, even if every charge agains him is true, he still isn't the most horrible African warlord out there. Go ahead and google "General Butt Naked" and you will see the true face of evil. So until we Americans put an end to the horrible spectacle that is "Toddlers And Tiaras", let's try not to get on our high horse when it comes to child abuse.

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