Thursday, March 15, 2012

King Of The Pranksters With Tag Brewster

Every once in a great while there is a man that transcends all others in his chosen field of professional focus. In the world of pranks and practical jokes that person is me, Tag Brewster. I have perpetrated hilarious pranks, one after the other since I was just a little bastard, and Popular Irony has asked me to detail a few for their latest post.

My first recollection of pranking was small time, when my father grounded me for some long forgotten reason when I was six or seven years old. I replaced his tube of Preperation H with IcyHot and couldn't stop laughing when he checked himself into the emergency room. That was when I knew I was destined to be the world's greatest prankster.

One of my most memorable pranks was on my whorish older sister when she was getting ready for college. She had been waiting for weeks to get a response from Columbia University and her heart was set on it. She was an excellent student but space is limited so she was quite nervous about the whole ordeal. I started walking home from lunch every day and checking the mail, until one day it came. I promptly opened the letter and saw that her prayers had been answered, and Columbia University was offering her not only an admission slot but a partial academic scholarship! I took the letter and wrote "Fuck your school. Columbia is for FAGS!!!" on it and sent it back to the admissions office. Several days later she called their offices to see if their letter had been lost in the mail and you should have seen the look on her face when they told her they received an "obscene" declination letter from her! BURNED! Hahaha! That stupid bitch works at a truckstop cafe now and has like three kids or something.

My commitment to the prank is super strong. Like with my roommate Blake, who was an aspiring chef. He used to invite all our friends over for big dinners to show off his cooking skills, so I decided to prank his ass off! I started sneaking rat poison into everyone's food except for his plate and my plate. Then I would act all fucking sick, complaining of stomach pains and shit, and tell him that I had been throwing up. After three dinner parties where EVERYONE but him got sick, we all started accusing him of poisoning us. Then one of the girls that attended went to the hospital and had her stomach pumped, and the cat was out of the bag! They found arsenic in her gut and Blake was arrested. He was exonerated after an investigation turned up no source of the poison (I was REAL careful), but he gave up cooking forever. I hear that he even tried to kill himself, and ended up shooting off half of his face. Now every time he looks in the mirror with his one eye he is reminded that HE GOT PRANKED!

But probably my BEST PRANK EVER was when I totally burned my buddy Jesse! We were best friends since we were little kids, and was a really quiet mormon guy from a poor family. I always had to drive his ass around because he was too poor to get a car, but after like three summers of lawnmowing Jesse saved up enough to buy an old beatup stationwagon. Well I decided to get him back for mooching rides for so long, and BOY did he fall for it! When he was hanging out at my house I snuck around the back to his car and smeared huge gobs of vaseline all over his windshield wipers. I could barely keep a straight face when he left for home, because there was a HUGE storm rolling in. I guess it started raining pretty bad when he turned on the wipers and BLAMMO! He careened over the center line and hit a car HEAD ON! Holy shit did he ever get pranked! His car was scattered all over the highway and he killed a family of four, according to the newspaper. That was six years ago, and if he EVER wakes up from that coma he is going to be SO PISSED when I tell him about it. But he will never be able to get me back because I am the KING OF THE PRANKSTERS!

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