Thursday, March 22, 2012

Completely Offensive Thought Experiments

Tonight we take a look at a few thought experiments that are designed to help you learn more about yourself in the context of atrocious choices in which there is NO good answer or easy way out. When given a choice between good vs evil, life vs death, or hate vs love, the answer is easy. But we aim to make it just a little more difficult... and uncomfortable.

Thought Experiment #1: Would you rather have lifelong hiccups, or random uncontrollable diarrhea for a half-hour daily? The two sides each have their ups and downs. Sure, you could live your life almost exactly the same with hiccups as you do now, but you would be constantly distracted and may even become suicidal due to the annoyance. And while the hiccups would torment you constantly, you would only have to deal with the diarrhea for one half-hour each day, but it is random and unpredictable. Sure, sometimes it would come late at night or before you go to work in the morning, but what if it hits you while in a crowded elevator? Or while in an important business meeting? They each have their pitfalls.

Thought Experiment #2: If you were guaranteed you would never be exposed publicly, would you rather be an active zoophile, or an inactive pedophile? If you choose being a zoophile you would be better able to live with yourself (slightly) but think about it... YOU WOULD BE FUCKING ANIMALS! If you choose to be an inactive pedophile then you can rest assured that you were doing nothing illegal, and would be victimizing no child or animal, but think about it... YOU WOULD WANT TO FUCK CHILDREN! The thoughts going through your head would be terrible, and you may even collect illegal pornography. Again, not an easy choice.

Thought Experiment #3: (Disclaimer: This applies only to heterosexual men, and is in no way intended to disparage homosexuals. We at Popular Irony are not homophobes, and would gladly blow each other to prove it.) Would you rather have sex with one well-hung man 20 times over the course of a month, or have sex with 20 average-sized men all at once? Now this is MY thought experiment, so I make the rules. When I say "sex" I mean completely safe (no threat of STD) hardcore anal and oral, and to full completion. That's right, no man leaves unsatisfied. If you choose 1 man 20 times you could build a relationship, learn each other's wants and desires, and go at a comfortable pace. But you would have to drag out the unpleasantness for an entire month, and just imagine the horsecock... IMAGINE IT! If you choose to get it over all at once you would wake up tomorrow without having to worry about taking one in the ass, but you would have the horrifying memory and battle scars that come from a TWENTY-ON-ONE GANGBANG!

So there you have it. Three difficult questions that have no clear answer, unless you are very strange indeed. Please feel free to submit you answers and reasoning as a comment below, or submit your own completely inappropriate thought experiments via email at

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