Rent A Friend

Hello, hi, pardon me... Yeah hi, my name is Tory and you look like you could use a friend.  I mean you look really down in the dumps.  Is something wrong?  I bet you would love to have an nonjudgmental ear to spill your sorrows into.  Somebody who cares only about your well-being and really wants to see you happy.  Somebody to grab your hand and pull you away from that self destructive precipice.  Somebody to help you see the good side of life and maybe even provide a bit of direction? 

I could be that person you know.  I could be that new friend, that new pal.  We could really form a great friendship.  What do you think?  Should we go grab a beer, pal?  Yeah?!  Well alright, my rates run around $250 an hour, it's a double rate on weekends.  I do have a punch card, if you spend more than $50000, you get a whole hour free. 

What!?  Why are you so mad? ........ It's not fucked up!.....  What do you mean friendship isn't a service to be rented?  This is fucking America buddy!  I am an entrepreneur, a businessman, a trail blazer.  I am the fucking American dream!  There are people in need and I provide a service.  I am currently the best friend of 207 clients.  I am a damn good friend!

I tell the opposite sex how great my clients are.  I am a devilishly generous wing-man.  I am the embodiment of persuasiveness.  I could talk a "10" into giving you a blumpkin in a Fast Food Bathroom and she would love you for it.  I could help you tell your insanely religious father that you are gay, so well, that he comes out to you!    I am that fucking good!

My friendship has created legends.  You ever hear of a little bitch named Ryan Seacrest?  Best fucking friends since 1993!  What about Lady Gaga?  Poker Face is about me!  You ever hear of a little President of the United States George W. Bush?  Me and G-Dubs are bro bros.

I have been providing retail friendship since childhood.  I would hang out with kids after school in exchange for their pudding cups and fruit role-ups.  I could make any situation fun.  A kid's dad is beating his ass?  Didn't matter when he was hanging out with me.  I chased all the troubles away.  I still do.  I am the immaculate conception of best friendedness!  

Oh, now you are interested in my friendship?  Why the fuck would I want to be friends with you?  You're a dick!


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Whiskey Solves Everything!

There is a reason that the irish called the sweet intoxicating nectar that has dominated their lives for centuries "whiskey", or "water of life" in gaelic. It is because this fluid has the miraculous capacity to make almost everything we love in life like a thousand times better! And unlike that fraudulent gutter-piss they call "holy water", you don't even need to waste your sundays listening to old men lie to you for it to work! So let's take a moment to review some of the wonderful and useful benefits of whiskey that led to the age-old expression "a bottle a day keeps the reaper away"!

 

Whiskey makes you more attractive to the opposite sex, and makes YOU more attractive to them! That's right, sexual magnetism is 99% confidence, and when are you more confident than when you are slobbering drunk? And combine those effects with the loosening standards that come with drunkenness and you have a perfect storm of baby makin'! Just make sure the object of your desire is likewise imbibing copious amounts of drink or you might find yourself in forcible rape territory. Don't say I didn't warn you.

 

Whiskey boosts your intelligence to near superhuman levels! Have you ever met a sage individual that was able to add relevance and insight into the most convoluted subject matter with seemingly absent-minded ease? Chances are, that person was blind drunk on whiskey. It is for this reason that I make a concerted effort to drink at least six shots before attending a business meeting, job interview, or parole hearing. Nothing leaves an impression like drunken ramblings.

 

Whiskey What about medical issues? The public has been misinformed about the health effects of regular whiskey consumption by a campaign from big businesses like the soft drink leaders Coca Cola and Pepsi. Does soda cure your withdrawal symptoms, personality disorders, and halitosis? I think not. Can a liter of Sprite cure a young woman of an unwanted pregnancy? Surely the answer is a resounding "no". Score another point for whiskey.

 

Whiskey helps you make more sound and well-informed decisions! If there is one thing I could teach all the children that will grow up to be tomorrow's world leaders, it would be "If you are ever faced with a problem that holds you money, relationships, or life in the balance, just resolve to drink on it for a while!" You basically can't go wrong with this advice. Without whiskey we would be without the kind of thinking that ended the second world war, brought on the industrial age, and gave us... Chappaquiddick.

 

So keep these things in mind before condemning the binge drinking of whiskey that is going on all around you. After all, if it wasn't for whiskey your mother and father might not have ever created you in the back seat of a rusted out buick. And you might not have that lazy eye that gives you so much character!

My personal collection

 

 

Sweetums!

My baby!!  Sweetums!!  Hug him!!

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Diary Of A Degenerate 29

It hadn't been but thirty minutes or so. There had been no argument, disagreement, or cruel one-way verbal abuse that was so common between us. In fact, when Vanessa shut the door to the bathroom and started running the water the only abnormal thing about it was the door itself, which she so often left unabashedly open to the point that I was certain she would attract a predator other than myself to do her harm, her perfect nudity like blood in the water to dangerous men.

So when the water didn't stop running the bathroom door took on a sinister look that betrayed her wicked plan, and by the time I kicked it in I wasn't surprised to find her dangling there, tip toeing on the tile floor with bent legs like a ballerina frozen in time. She was nude, her dark hair covering her face at the awkward angle that the belt imposed on her neck, and her hands were held together in front of her with elbows bent in a mock prayer that was unnatural looking even to someone that didn't know she discarded her faith as a child. Her pale skin reminded me of my widowed aunt Grace's wedding dress, which hung alone in the guest closet for decades until she passed away. It was even more beautiful there in the darkness, where it's useless futility made the grand garment seem sickeningly sad.

I grabbed her body around the waist and lifted her up, unlatching the belt from the grate in the ceiling, and carried her into the bedroom where I laid her out on the bed. I knew some CPR and had even tried it out on a few drug addict friends when they went bad, but I could tell it was hopeless. She had put on her makeup so carefully, but her lips still seemed dark and blue through the red lipstick, and the shit smeared across my arm proved she had already vacated her bowels. She wouldn't have liked that. She was so clean, and her appearance meant so much to her. There was little doubt that she was very much dead.

I didn't panic. I didn't start wailing and crying, making a racket. People rarely do when there is no one around to impress by it, they just stare silently in mute contemplation. After a couple minutes I went into the bathroom to wash up and I saw it. Vanessa had written in dramatic cliche style in lipstick on the mirror "I am happy". It made me flash back to the first angry message she scrawled across a broken mirror in my old apartment, a distinct contrast to how she had evolved emotionally from when I met her, before I knew her secrets, and long before I slew her demons and took her with me on this long run from our responsibility. She was damaged and volatile then, but became dependent on me in recent months to an extreme that made me feel guilty for fucking her.

In retrospect it was bound to happen. But it still seemed cosmically unfair for her beauty and fragility to be outlasted by my rigid foulness. She rarely drank to excess, almost never swore, and tended to get along with strangers more often than not. And now the only good that was left in my life had slipped through my fingers, leaving the unstompable cockroach to carry on in the filthy gutters alone. I took the time to dress her in one of her favorite cocktail dresses, at least the one I thought she looked best in, but couldn't make it fit right. No doubt they would assume I killed her, and would probably think I kidnapped her after murdering her father. But I was okay with that. She would be exonerated in death, and I would once again shoulder her burdens. I started to pack my things.

 

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Phoning It In

I am on my couch watching tv. The computer is in the other room. Shit me sideways, I am feeling fucking lazy. I have received many emails recently accusing me of "phoning in" my posts. In the spirit of that, I am going to construct this entire post with my phone. Something I have never tried. Hmmm. Lets see....

I just bought this phone recently and have very few photos. I am far too lazy to type something of quality with one finger.

Hmmm. I have a photo of a recent breakfast at work. My dog, cat and my current view from the couch. You get to learn a little bit about me. Amazing, I know.

This blogger app is a piece of shit. I have no idea what order my photos will display, i cant change the size and there are no other options for media manipulation. Fudgums!! I guess I will just click "publish" and be done with this mess.

Steaming Pile o' Tekkit - Episode 28

Hamtackle's rage leads to arson!  Everyone's favorite shitty wooden house pays the price!  Terlet dies valiantly battling the blaze!  But what about the Creepers!?  All this and more in the season finale of Steaming Pile!  Exclamation point!

Want that Texture?:  http://www.minecraftforum.net/topic/513093-32x16x142-dokucraft-the-saga-continues/


Music by Kevin MacLeod  http://incompetech.com/music/royalty-free/



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Omegle Revisited... Again

Just another drunken romp through the anonymous chat services on the internet. As always, my responses are in green. First I decided to test the boundaries of decency by challenging a stranger's threshold for offensive commentary. Always a good ice breaker.

 

 

 

Ok. That was a decent start. Next I decided to engage the strangers in a bit of role playing, where I offered some creative punishments for their personal enemies.

 

 

 

So that went... Pretty well I guess. At least I am getting some participation from the online community of lonely drunkards and shut-ins. Finally I got a little vigilante streak and called out a probable internet liar by demanding contextual responses in real time. The results were satisfying.

 

 

There you have it, folks. Another hastily and lazily produced post of improvisational comedy with strangers. Hope to see you online! Oh yea, if you do frequent these sites, never start a conversation with "asl" because it makes you seem like a pedophile trolling for children to harass. Unless you ARE such a pedophile, in which case proceed, I guess.

 

Steaming Pile o' Tekkit - Episode 27

Terlet and Hamtackle make some jetpacks and Hamtackle gets his feelers hurted.  Gunfights and taunting ensue.  Continued classiness.

 

Want that Texture?:  http://www.minecraftforum.net/topic/513093-32x16x142-dokucraft-the-saga-continues/


Music by Kevin MacLeod  http://incompetech.com/music/royalty-free/



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Popular Irony Visits Omegle: Fail Edition

Every once in a while we decide to make some friends on the interwebs, but sometimes it is difficult to establish a genuine human connection. Here are a few failed conversations that demonstrate this problem. As always, we are represented by the green text.

 

 

Which Celebrity is Most Likely to Die in 2012? - A Popular Irony Poll - RESULTS!

2012 has passed and with it so has our Celebrity Death Poll!  I set up a poll last year with a random assortment of celebrity names.  I invited you to vote on who was most likely to die.  Let's see the results!

It looks like only one person on my random list died in 2012, Ray Bradbury with 2 votes.  The poll had a total of 63 votes over 1 year!  That's 5.79 votes per day.  What an outstanding turnout!  We pride ourselves on audience participation.  Thanks for playing!
 

We had only one write in submission.  It was from our dear friend, Hamtackle.  Boy was he deadly right!  Goodbye Dick Clark!  It was weird counting down without you.  By weird, I mean, I wasn't creeped out by your stroke face this year.

Good luck in 2013 motherfuckers!  We are gonna need it!


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