Thursday, January 10, 2013

Rent A Friend

Hello, hi, pardon me... Yeah hi, my name is Tory and you look like you could use a friend.  I mean you look really down in the dumps.  Is something wrong?  I bet you would love to have an nonjudgmental ear to spill your sorrows into.  Somebody who cares only about your well-being and really wants to see you happy.  Somebody to grab your hand and pull you away from that self destructive precipice.  Somebody to help you see the good side of life and maybe even provide a bit of direction? 

I could be that person you know.  I could be that new friend, that new pal.  We could really form a great friendship.  What do you think?  Should we go grab a beer, pal?  Yeah?!  Well alright, my rates run around $250 an hour, it's a double rate on weekends.  I do have a punch card, if you spend more than $50000, you get a whole hour free. 

What!?  Why are you so mad? ........ It's not fucked up!.....  What do you mean friendship isn't a service to be rented?  This is fucking America buddy!  I am an entrepreneur, a businessman, a trail blazer.  I am the fucking American dream!  There are people in need and I provide a service.  I am currently the best friend of 207 clients.  I am a damn good friend!

I tell the opposite sex how great my clients are.  I am a devilishly generous wing-man.  I am the embodiment of persuasiveness.  I could talk a "10" into giving you a blumpkin in a Fast Food Bathroom and she would love you for it.  I could help you tell your insanely religious father that you are gay, so well, that he comes out to you!    I am that fucking good!

My friendship has created legends.  You ever hear of a little bitch named Ryan Seacrest?  Best fucking friends since 1993!  What about Lady Gaga?  Poker Face is about me!  You ever hear of a little President of the United States George W. Bush?  Me and G-Dubs are bro bros.

I have been providing retail friendship since childhood.  I would hang out with kids after school in exchange for their pudding cups and fruit role-ups.  I could make any situation fun.  A kid's dad is beating his ass?  Didn't matter when he was hanging out with me.  I chased all the troubles away.  I still do.  I am the immaculate conception of best friendedness!  

Oh, now you are interested in my friendship?  Why the fuck would I want to be friends with you?  You're a dick!


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