Sunday, January 20, 2013

Dead Rat Distilleries

Well, pickle my titties and call me Susan!  If it ain't another customer!  Settle down there city boy, 'cause I an't sellin' no corner store swill here.  I have only the best toilet-bowl homebrew straight from the backwood stills, JEN-U-WINE Dead Rat Distilleries products!  Before you turn tilly and get stumpin' on down the road give ol' Uncle Pricklepeach a listen.

You see, we got here a full stock of all the local delights.  Consider Leechwater Bourbon, brewed from stagnant creek tailings then aged six days in a possum-skin canteen on my own personal tin roof, with every bit as much paint thinner as the premium homebrewed bourbon, but at half the price for the easygoing drinker that doesn't mind a little hair in the glass.  Or perhaps some Budget Backwash Blend, with a "bit of the bunch" squeegeed fresh every morning off the bathroom floor, an inexpensive and intoxicating alternative to sampling our entire selection individually!

Or perhaps a little VEE-NO is more your style?  I knew it when I saw you, you got culture, sir!  Give a try to our Five-Finger Pixie Stick Wine, consisting of a so-fist-icated pairing of grape juice concentrate and lime flavored pixie sticks, fermented until all five fingers are standing up on the heavy rubber glove.  Or is it a more formal occasion?  Well you can't go wrong with Shameful Sibling's Baby Brew, the only wine in the nearest four counties to guarantee a miscarriage!  That's right, don't let a night's mistake last for 18 years... Just "leggo that preggo" with a bottle of Shameful Sib's!

But make sure you don't miss out on our flagship spirit, the juice that started off three generations of artisanal distilling, Dead Rat Whiskey!  Painstakingly crafted over a six hour burn, Dead Rat Whiskey is collected in a drum with a LIVE RAT in the bottom.  And only when the whiskey is potent enough to kill the varmint is it ready to bottle!  And remember to drink slowly to sift out the tiny teeth... they're good luck!!!

And as always, consume responsibly and remember our commitment to the buyer...  We will always distill our liquors over a decades-old tire fire to a blistering 180 prewf before filtering through a gymsock.  And for the rich folks that can afford them, Dead Rat Distilleries makes only products that won't dissolve your dentures!  So call in sick to your probation appointment, unscrew a bottle, and tuck into some Delicious Dead Rat!


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