Tuesday, January 22, 2013

My Retarded Baby

Do you ever wish you had the perfect ice-breaker for those awkward social interactions? Or have you ever been passed over for a promotion at work because you just can't get yourself noticed? Maybe you could use a little extra cash from the government for doing ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! Well, it sounds like you should be introduced to... My Retarded Baby!

My Retarded Baby is the first service of it's kind, providing private consumers all the benefits of having a "special needs" child with none of the financially and emotionally-crippling disadvantages! Just call our toll free line to get pricing options and you are on your way to a new public image of selfless, altruistic, and good-natured spirit that will revolutionize your lifestyle! You will receive dozens of framed photographs and wallet sized shots of one of our thousands of adorable retarded babies specially selected for their ability to tug at the heart strings, along with all the documentation necessary to make the new addition to your family legally "alive". Now wallpaper your cubicle at work with your My Retarded Baby photos, make up a few endearing stories about how close your bond is, then reap the professional and social rewards!

The benefits are endless!

In your personal life: Got your eye on a certain special someone? What better way to prove you are a trustworthy, reliable, and loving person than to tell them about your dear child that is in constant danger of aimlessly wandering into potentially fatal situations? After all, a little sympathy never hurt anyone...
In your professional life: Imagine there is a big new opportunity for advancement in the company, and the executives are all deciding who to consider for promotion. You know who deserves a break? That guy down in accounting with the pictures of the kid who is so severely retarded that it's obvious even at a peripheral glance, that's who!

Other benefits include the possibilities of government aid (at your own risk, of course), and having that perfect "anytime" excuse. For instance, do you want to skip that office meeting and hit the bars? Well, guess who's retarded baby's back in the hospital? Yours! And can you explain your whereabouts on the night in question, Mr. Defendant? Why, yes I can! I was teaching My Retarded Baby how to stop accidentally stabbing himself. He does struggle to simply make it through every day, Mr. Prosecutor, sir.

And don't forget to ask about our premium My Retarded Baby services, which include a personal My Retarded Baby agent to act as social worker, doctor, caregiver, or family member whenever your story needs a little backing up! Or do you want this ruse to extend into your family life, where adoption papers and backstory may prove useful? Because do you know what kind of person adopts a retarded child? A fucking SAINT, that's who.

That's right. We here at My Retarded Baby have your back for all your sympathy fishing and deceptive needs. Give us a call today!


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