Whiskey Solves Everything!

There is a reason that the irish called the sweet intoxicating nectar that has dominated their lives for centuries "whiskey", or "water of life" in gaelic. It is because this fluid has the miraculous capacity to make almost everything we love in life like a thousand times better! And unlike that fraudulent gutter-piss they call "holy water", you don't even need to waste your sundays listening to old men lie to you for it to work! So let's take a moment to review some of the wonderful and useful benefits of whiskey that led to the age-old expression "a bottle a day keeps the reaper away"!

 

Whiskey makes you more attractive to the opposite sex, and makes YOU more attractive to them! That's right, sexual magnetism is 99% confidence, and when are you more confident than when you are slobbering drunk? And combine those effects with the loosening standards that come with drunkenness and you have a perfect storm of baby makin'! Just make sure the object of your desire is likewise imbibing copious amounts of drink or you might find yourself in forcible rape territory. Don't say I didn't warn you.

 

Whiskey boosts your intelligence to near superhuman levels! Have you ever met a sage individual that was able to add relevance and insight into the most convoluted subject matter with seemingly absent-minded ease? Chances are, that person was blind drunk on whiskey. It is for this reason that I make a concerted effort to drink at least six shots before attending a business meeting, job interview, or parole hearing. Nothing leaves an impression like drunken ramblings.

 

Whiskey What about medical issues? The public has been misinformed about the health effects of regular whiskey consumption by a campaign from big businesses like the soft drink leaders Coca Cola and Pepsi. Does soda cure your withdrawal symptoms, personality disorders, and halitosis? I think not. Can a liter of Sprite cure a young woman of an unwanted pregnancy? Surely the answer is a resounding "no". Score another point for whiskey.

 

Whiskey helps you make more sound and well-informed decisions! If there is one thing I could teach all the children that will grow up to be tomorrow's world leaders, it would be "If you are ever faced with a problem that holds you money, relationships, or life in the balance, just resolve to drink on it for a while!" You basically can't go wrong with this advice. Without whiskey we would be without the kind of thinking that ended the second world war, brought on the industrial age, and gave us... Chappaquiddick.

 

So keep these things in mind before condemning the binge drinking of whiskey that is going on all around you. After all, if it wasn't for whiskey your mother and father might not have ever created you in the back seat of a rusted out buick. And you might not have that lazy eye that gives you so much character!

My personal collection