Flavos Shrimp Rolls

I was sifting through public domain videos and found this little gem.  Flavos Shrimp Roll.  A delectable treat once available in drive-in theaters across the country.  A true, lost culinary treasure.

A meaty shrimp mixture all wrapped up in a crispy noodle jacket!  Doesn't it just sound mouth watering?  I'll bet it was served just above room temperature.

They're Shrimply Delicious!


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Steaming Pile o' Tekkit - Episode 14

Hamtackle and Terlet are at their bullshitiest on today's Steaming Pile!  Murder machines!  Egg Farms!  Spider Ambushes!  Lots of talk and no action!  Tuck back your sack and hang on tight! Exclamation point!

Want that Texture?:  http://www.minecraftforum.net/topic/513093-32x16x142-dokucraft-the-saga-continues/


Music by Kevin MacLeod  http://incompetech.com/music/royalty-free/



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Diary Of A Degenerate 25

Vanessa was stronger than me. Her mood was perpetually filled with childish glee, she had bleached her hair (which was ridiculous because she still had jet black eyebrows), and she was even learning how to drive my car so we could keep on the move when I was blind drunk. Which I was frequently now, up to two liters per day. It had been a week since I shot her dad and we were pretending it didn't happen, living out the lives of traveling gypsies until we could figure out what to do.

We thought about mexico, but neither of us spoke any spanish. She wanted to move to the south, but I fucking hate the humid weather. So we drifted from town to town, staying only a few nights at each stop until we either got bored or outstayed our welcome. I was feeling trapped with her again and it reminded me why I was so happy to be rid of her the first time. It was like I took in a stray dog and was stuck with it now, too guilty to put it back where I found it. Besides, it wasn't her fault. I guess I just can't be happy unless I'm miserable.

Shit. She was taking a shower, which means she is planning on dragging me into public tonight. We were staying in a $200 a night hotel now, complete with air conditioning and room service. They would bring us chilled bottles of wine with a simple ring of the telephone so I was lit up at all times and pretty content to stay in, but I was didn't argue with her anymore. Instead of stealing her music from her like before, or pursuing other women to make her angry, I just degraded her in bed. When she wanted to be on top, I would force her face in the pillows. If she started to enjoy it I would fuck her in the ass. And if she started to play along with that I just gave up altogether. And even after all that she would still wrap her skinny arms around me and bury her head in my chest until she was fast asleep. It was only then that I would take her hands and hold them close under the covers. She was always so fucking cold but my blood ran hot enough for both of us, and I would smell her hair and catch myself almost falling in love with her. And then in the morning I would treat her like a stranger again. Sometimes I wondered if she was ever just pretending to sleep, so starved for affection that she would feign unconsciousness just to trick me into being nice to her for a few precious minutes. She had better not be. Because I would never forgive her for it.


All this mess was going though my head as I walked into the bathroom, undressed, and stepped into the shower with her. She looked over her shoulder at me with a smile on her face and I grabbed a hold of her from behind and just let the hot water wash over us in silence. I guess I owed her that much.


 

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Steaming Pile o' Tekkit - Episode 13

How to dispose of dead babies, stealth skeletons, another f'ing creeper and other treasures on today's Steaming Pile!  Continued classiness.

Want that Texture?:  http://www.minecraftforum.net/topic/513093-32x16x142-dokucraft-the-saga-continues/


Music by Kevin MacLeod  http://incompetech.com/music/royalty-free/



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Budget Artistic Acquisitions

Any dedicated reader of the Popular Irony blog already knows that I made a once in a lifetime trip to Italy this year, and I figured that dead horse was in need of another posthumous bludgeoning, so here we have some of the artwork I acquired from various street artists. The twist is... none of these pieces were bought by any traditional means. In fact, not a single dollar changed hands for any of them! Now I share my secrets for how to grow your art collection on a pauper's budget.

 

Much of my time on this year's trip was spent in tuscany, which is known for it's rich farmland and endless fields of sunflowers. While wandering the streets of San Gimignano with some locally bottled wine and two loaves of heavy, fresh bread for that night's dinner, I came across an obviously talented woman showcasing her watercolors. I traded twelve fruitless minutes under her heavy skirt, but after managing only to disappoint her I gave half of one loaf of bread, leaving with this painting and a froth mustache that has yet to fully wash away. I will remember her fondly always.

 

 

While in tuscany I had the good fortune to spend a week in a private villa converted from a 14th century Medici stable house, with breathtaking views in every direction. While drunkenly trying to decipher the rules of a game of bocce I noticed another young male artist on the property painting our luxurious accomodations. I approached him with a large smile so as not to startle the boy, but once within twenty yards I fell upon him with fury. After beating him within an inch of his urchin-like existence I noticed the quality of his work. Lucky for him I accepted a trade of this piece for a thirty-second head start getaway, and in my drunken state I was unable to catch him on foot.

 

 

While staying in Venice I met up with an exceptional watercolor artist in San Marco square who had a unique style of combining airbrush with traditional paints. He had unreasonable demands that were the subject of much debating between us, but in the end I gave him a sturdy handjob in the shadow of the basilica in exchange for this work. But the joke was on him. I would have given the handy for free!

 

This small oil painting was being sold along the tourist-trap banks of the grand canal, where the crowds of germans and americans wash over every inch of walking space and clog the bottlenecks of bridges for as far as the eye can see. This painting caught my eye because it was being guarded by a severely disabled elderly woman who must have been working with the artist, perhaps related to him or her. I took the opportunity to snatch this painting and slip into anonymity amongst the crowd as she cackled her protests upon deaf ears.

 

 

And finally I share my favorite piece. I acquired this in Rome, although the subject matter is clearly the canals of Venice. I was awestruck by the detail and quality in this large painting, and complimented the old man on his obvious skill. We discussed pricing for the piece, but I must admit I runed my leverage by showing such transparent fondness for it, and his asking price was far too high, so I reluctantly walked away. Luckily there was a police officer around the corner chain smoking with a submachine gun and leaning against his alfa romeo squadcar. I frantically explained in broken italian that I saw an elderly man sodomizing a toddler with his knobby, arthritic digits, and gave a detailed description. While the officer was administering a savage beating I was able to sneak away with this painting. It is the most prized piece in my collection.

 

Steaming Pile o' Tekkit - Episode 12

While Hamtackle is accomplishing shit on the surface, Terlet is wandering unarmed, underground, trying to retrieve his entire inventory.  They really are terrible at this game. 

Want that Texture?:  http://www.minecraftforum.net/topic/513093-32x16x142-dokucraft-the-saga-continues/


Music by Kevin MacLeod  http://incompetech.com/music/royalty-free/



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Films For Fiends: Guinea Pig 2

Welcome again to Films For Fiends, where I, Hamtackle, watch the most disturbing, controversial, and violent films ever produced so you don't have to! It's been a long time since I have weighed in with another installment, so I hope you haven't had to look elsewhere for you gorno fix. Enjoy!

The Guinea Pig series is a notorious collection of japanese horror films that are famous for their themes of sexual sadism and torture. I already reviewed the first film in the series, "The Devil's Experiment", and now bring you a run down on part 2, subtitled "Flower of Flesh and Blood". It claims the background of a video sent to prominent manga horror cartoonist Hideshi Hino by a misguided fan, who viewed it and then turned it over to the police before reproducing it in this gem of shock horror cinema.

As with any japanese horror, the film begins with an ominous sequence of a young woman being pursued and abducted by a masked man. Come to think of it, this is also how most japanese pornography begins. Maybe I downloaded the wrong file. The only way to know for sure is after her abductor applies electric shock, he will either stab her with a knife or a dildo.

Ok, this is clearly the horror version. The drugged girl awakens tied to a table, and a man dressed as a samurai stands over her and decapitates a chicken telling her "This is your fate!" as if that wasn't obvious by the act itself. Of course, in his defense, she might have just thought he was cooking her dinner. Japanese courtship rituals often mirror those of serial killers. Luckily for her the man keeps drugging her with some unknown injectable cocktail, and let's face it: if you are going to be rape/killed by a wacky mustachioed samurai, you're going to want to be as far from sober as possible.

And after a half-assed explanation of the artistic merits of his fetishistic torture, he gets right down to the nitty gritty by cutting off both of the girl's hands. I must admit, the effects are quite realistic, complete with grasping fingers after detachment. He then cuts off her arms at the shoulder with equally impressive effects. You see the cutting close-up, with minimal cutaways. He even employs the use of a carpenter's chisel to get through the shoulder joint.

It seems pretty clear now that this guy's plan is to disassemble this girl like a thanksgiving turkey, as he gets to detaching the legs at the knee with a crude, rusty hand saw. This flick would almost be believable if it weren't for the dramatic and shitty acting by the killer and the total lack of nudity. Pretty much any serial killer is going to be masturbating into the viscera of their victim eventually. It's kinda the point of the whole thing, I think. This guy doesn't even sport so much as a half-chub as he opens her stomach and removes the intestines. But then again, he is japanese, so who knows? The special effect guy gets bonus points for using animal guts al-la dawn of the dead. They make for a much more authentic experience.

The girl is then shown some mercy as the killer literally drops the axe on her, separating her head from the body (or is it the body from the head? I'm not sure.) We are then treated to a close up eye removal via spoon, and their seductive kissing and licking by our psycho, and then the film cuts to him sitting on the bloodstained table smoking a cigarette. Maybe he jerked off into the corpse off-camera. Good thing. We showed up to watch hardcore violence, not disgusting and taboo sexuality. The film ends with the killer showing off his collection of severed limbs and preserved eyes, along with some additional half-assed poetry.

If you are familiar with the original Guinea Pig film, then you know what to expect from this. But there is one noticeable difference, and that is the unconsciousness of the female lead in this one. Personally I like it better this way, as the frantic screaming of a young japanese girl is always welcome, but only in short measures. The first film was like watching tentacle porn with sandpaper suction cups, and not in a good way. These films are one of the first series to attempt virtual snuff films, and gave birth to the "torture porn" genre. And given it's brief vignette style of filming and complete lack of any plotline or redeeming social value makes this film the perfect way for a seriously sick individual to get a short fix of violence to beat back the urges to dismember your coworkers. If that sort of thing is not your bag, then you probably stopped reading this after the first few paragraphs.

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Steaming Pile o' Tekkit - Episode 11

Terlet tries his hand at unarmored spelunking and discovers diamonds, danger and the innate ability to fuck everything up.  Hamtackle waits on the surface, like a damn coward, spewing insulting advice.  Continued classiness.

Want that Texture?:  http://www.minecraftforum.net/topic/513093-32x16x142-dokucraft-the-saga-continues/


Music by Kevin MacLeod  http://incompetech.com/music/royalty-free/



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Turkey Holocaust 2012: Proper Poultry Preparation

It is that time of year again when we as Americans assert our dominance over all of turkeykind. Most of us will sit around in the living room watching football while the dirty work is done, but there is something magical going on in the kitchen that we should all know about. Some of our thanksgiving chefs will be buying a pre-packaged turkey that requires only a quick removal of neck and giblets from the carcass, a quick washing, then the application of various breads and vegetables into the gaping maw of the bird by hand. But a few of us will be truly getting our hands dirty and slaughtering our own turkeys, reinforcing the bond between our primitive hunter/gatherer mind and the animals that are sacrificed for our well being. And as a local authority on turkey preparation I feel it is my responsibility to lead you through the less-than-pleasant parts of the process.

Now we all know how to actually cook the bird, but few know about the ancient art of ending it's life properly. The killing of the animal is quite simple, as turkeys are notoriously stupid and must be under constant supervision to avoid wandering through death's door on their own, but if you need a someone to hold your hand through this part let me offer you two words: large rocks. After plucking the bird it will be very difficult to tenderize it without damaging the delicate skin, so it is best to kill the bird with a bucket full of palm-sized rocks, which will soften the connective tissue of the meat and end it's life in one simple step. So pummel that animal and let's move on to feather-removal!

Plucking may seem like a difficult task, but this is where our modern world comes in handy. Just wrap the dead animal in 1-2 rolls of duct tape, grab the loose end of the roll, and swing the bird around your head until the centrifugal force unravels the delicious mummy. There! You've got a fresh and clean turkey corpse!

Before getting to the squishy offal within the animal you must defeat it's basic defenses which have evolved over time to have a psychological effect on the primary predator of the turkey, mankind. Your common grocery store turkey has been processed already, so don't be shocked when you learn the truth about the anatomy. The cavity that holds the guts in place is protected by a full set of human-like teeth and eyes, which must be removed manually before stripping the gums and proceeding with evisceration. Use a paring knife to peel back the gum line and make yanking the teeth a bit easier, and grip them with household pliers before removing with a twist and abrupt downward force. Make sure you have a solid hold of the tooth, because failure to remove the full root could make future consumption rather unpleasant for some of your guests.

Now you probably have noticed at this point that your turkey comes equipped with a pair of shockingly human-like eyes. Don't worry, as they are entirely non-functional and are only there to startle you. Do not hesitate in plucking them out with a tablespoon in much the same manner a some would employ a melon baller. The sooner they are not staring up at you the sooner you will be able to get past this unpleasantness. Now that this is done you are ready to complete the final step before cooking.

Few amateur chefs are aware of the strange anatomy of the turkey, but it is widely known among farmers and butchers that a turkey has roughly a quarter mile of intestines within it's bloated frame. It uses them to digest the bones of it's primary food source in the wild, mice and rats. So get a mid-size garbage bag ready and thrust a hand through the maw of the beast. Once the bowels are fully unplugged, grasp the bladder at the base and twist to avoid spillage. Once removed, simply yank out the lungs and spleen to complete the process and get to cooking.

From here, it is entirely up to you how you prepare your bird, from deep frying to slow roasting, the possibilities are endless. And since you took the animal's life yourself, you get the satisfaction of having bested one of mankind's most formidable foes. The domesticated turkey.

Enjoy your carcass flesh, and remember to be thankful that your genitals still function. Unless they don't, in which case you may want to kill yourself.




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Steaming Pile o' Tekkit - Episode 10

The search for precious ore is on!  Witness the hot, sexy, underground action!

Want that Texture?:  http://www.minecraftforum.net/topic/513093-32x16x142-dokucraft-the-saga-continues/


Music by Kevin MacLeod  http://incompetech.com/music/royalty-free/



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