Drunker Than Light - Episode 6 (Sir Chapsworth's 1st Try Boss Run, Part 2 of 3)

Sir Chapsworth, playing the game for the first time, continues his beginners luck battle to the end boss.  With Hamtackle's coaching of course.  Terlet is drunk, angry and adorable.   The booze continues to be Miller Light, Jager and cheap whiskey.  Except for Sir Chaps who is tipping back cider from a dainty glass, pinky extended.

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Steaming Pile o' Tekkit - Episode 31

You should never bring eggs to a gun party.  After being shot then blown up in a creeper trap by one of history's greatest evils, Hamtackle and Terlet plot their revenge.  Miscommunications ensue.

Music by Kevin MacLeod  http://incompetech.com/music/royalty-free/



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Life Mate For You

Greeting!  I am observed you radio television transmissions.  I reach to you from out at stars.  Far from you and you them.  I listen learn observe.  I listen learn observe at YOU.  I am of benevolent culture.  You am not happy with you life.  You lack a life mate.  I aspire to make you happy.  I help obtain life mate for you.

Interpretation of you radio television transmissions have determined perfect life mate for you species.  I have can construct perfect .... Lady.... for you.  You culture determine construction parameters.  10 primary parameters outlined as so...

1.  ANXIOUS LOINS distended and pulsating.
2.  LONG LEGS increased mobility invites mating.
3.  WET BEAVER inter-species symbiosis.
4.  DAT ASS buoyancy balance food storage mating receptacle
5.  LARGE RED FINGERTIPS self defence hunting.
6.  PAINTED FACE displays mating availability.
7.  LONG SKULL HAIR provides shelter.
8.  SLENDER TORSO invites and swells with copulation engorgement.
9.  EVEN WHITE MOUTH BONES for waste processing.
10. FORCEFUL MATING INSTIGATION bypass male personality inadequacy.

I translated transmissions correctly and constructed you insatiable life mate.  Nothing can detract her from mating on you.  She is vastly powerful mate wanting carry you offspring.  She is complete.  She is at you home now.  Let mating commence!  Happy you will be!

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Cards Against Humanity

Cards Against Humanity, for those unfamiliar, is a game for three or more people in which one dealer selects a black card with some offensive or ridiculous scenario on it and requires each player to supplement the joke by adding one or more of their individully-dealt white cards. Hilarity ensues. But since I have the game but no friends or family that can stand to be in a room with me long enough to play it, I have manually paired up some cards to find chuckle-worthy combinations. Enjoy!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Steaming Pile o' Tekkit - Episode 30

Well, isn't this great?  Hitler has decided to move into the neighborhood.  Terlet and Hamtackle welcome their new neighbor in the appropriate fashion, with vandalism.  But does that tricky Nazi bastard have another trick up his sleeve?  Hmmmmm?? 

Music by Kevin MacLeod  http://incompetech.com/music/royalty-free/   and Richard Wagner



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Salvador!

Salvador lives to create art.  He is a true master.  Everyday Salvador musters all of his willpower and creates something beautiful.  A work of precision and beauty, art that transcends genre and twists at man's primal heart strings.  This is excessively surprising because Salvador is not a conventional artist.  He is student of the fecal arts.

Yes, that's right.  Salvador uses BM as his medium, his palette covered in poo.  He is a visionary.  Take this piece for example.  He calls it the "Incredible Edible Man".  Many of Salvador's sculptures require constant misting or the patina may crack.  He always has a mist child on hand at every exhibit.  Exquisite.

This painting is entitled "Finger Licking" and it is made entirely of smears of bottom butter.  The piece of fried chicken looks absolutely delicious.  The meat is steaming and falling off the bone.  Do you see how Salvador consumes different foods to obtain a varying hue of dung colors?  For the white, he ate white paint.  Simply genius.

Salvador does not stray from any artistic endeavor.  He is so brilliant, that he makes himself part of the exhibit, a personal touch to an already breathtaking work..  He would be honored if you would experience it.  He calls it "Airline Toilet Poetry Jam Surprise".  It is something everyone should try.   Let Salvador regale you with his political poetry as you relieve yourself of your earthly fouls. 

Salvador is gentle.  Salvador is brilliant.  Salvador is art.  See Salvador for yourself and be inspired!  Salvador!  Art from his inside, out!    



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Be My Incest Valentine

Sis, we growed up together, always side by side. Whether on the playground or in the washin' tub, we always had each other's backs. Now that we are of breedin' age I figured we should do the responsible thing and make it official, so this Valentine's day I just wanted to ask... Will you be mine?

Don't listen to them other boys that make fun and say mean things, since they is just angry cuz their sisters are just big and fat, and Billy's sister gots an eyepatch for life and I herd she ain't got no eye under there. But you is just as purdy as any girl up in these hills and yer face reminds me of momma before she was kilt in that trailer fire three harvests ago. Plus we can always be together since we already livin' in the same barn and such, and you know how hard a worker I am cuz I take care of all the sheeps while you are off gettin' schoolin'. And you gonna be happy that I found out what was makin' by mouth stink so bad, and once daddy gets my tooth gone my breath is gonna be right again.

Now I know daddy gonna be right angry when he finds out that we gettin' all close like, especially since he been makin' eyes at you since momma died, but I know we can tell him how much we love each other and he will understand. After all, he and grandad had the same talk when he an' momma run off and got married cuz they was brother and sister before they was husband and wife. But we gots to take it slow like, and only be foolin' around (no kissin') until daddy gives us his blessing. So I'm gonna be a real gentleman until you get fond of me like a boyfriend instead of just a brother, starting with this poem:

The tractor is red,
The sheeps is mostly yella,
So what do you say, sis?
Can I be yer fella?

BE MY VALENTINE!

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Drunker Than Light - Episode 5 (Sir Chapsworth's 1st Try Boss Run, Part 1 of 3)

Welcome back to Drunker Than Light!  Sir Chapsworth, with Hamtackle's coaching and Terlet's negative reinforcement, inadvertently present a tutorial on how to get to the end boss of FTL on your first try.  Beginner's luck at it's finest.  Hamtackle and Terlet are suckin' down Miller Light, Jager and cheap whiskey.  Sir Chaps is nursing cider like a thirsty grandma.  Continued classiness... 

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Steaming Pile o' Tekkit - Episode 29

It's finally here!  The season 2 premiere of Steaming Pile!  Terlet and Hamtackle have been busy in the off time and they have a bunch of crap to show off.  Plus, a mysterious man has moved into the neighborhood.  Is he friend or foe!  All this and more on Steaming Pile!

Music by Kevin MacLeod  http://incompetech.com/music/royalty-free/



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What Are You Lookin' At?

Hey! You got eye problems, friend? Cuz you been giving me the stinkeye from across the bar for long enough to get on my nerves, mister! Fortunately for you I am in a pretty good mood today, so if you spit out a few apologies I might let you out of this place with all your teeth. So what's it gonna be? Swallow your pride or swallow your blood?

Oh, we've got ourselves a tough guy here, eh? Just cuz you are a foot taller than me doesn't mean I won't beat the everloving shit out of the unconscious sausage sack you call a body! See these shoes? One size twelve and one size ten... The last guy that gave me a look like that took home two of my boot sizes up his turd-cutter!

Whoa! Don't put your semen-soiled hands on me! You know, if your momma fought like that she would have been able to fend off that homeless gypsy rapist that you call a father! And then where would you be? Boiling in some dna soup inside a hobo's sweaty danglers, that's where! Now either sit the fuck down or take that first step towards becoming a Stephen Hawking impersonator! I'll tell you what... Buy me a few beers and I won't make you toss my peanut butter salad in front of your lady friend, alright?

Ah, I see. You think that pouring a beer over my head is enough to scare me off! Well I'm made of tougher stuff, asshole! I've been in the fucking streets, man! Back in the hood in Omaha we used to butt-pound punks like you and throw the dripping leftover filth into the gutters to rot! Now go grab me some towels from the bartender and we'll call it even, unless you still want to make the mistake of a lifetime... Well, DO ya?

Hey! Hey! What's with all the aggression, dude? I didn't do shit to you and you think it's cool to just punch me in the fucking nose? Look at this shit! I'm fucking bleeding here! Oh man, you don't know how lucky you are that I was "born again" after my last run-in with a knucklehead like you... I'm a better person now that I am saved, and I might actually feel bad if I kicked your ass into some kind of unnatural retard coma or something! Now let's put this bullshit behind us and if you pay the drycleaning bill to get the blood out of my jacket then we're cool, alright?

What? There's no way I'm gonna suck your dick in front of all these people! You have got to be shitting me! I mean, the only reason you are still standing right now is because I have the decency to let you keep that ugly head on your shoulders! Whatever, dude. I am fucking out of here. Get the fuck out of my way... Oh, not gonna let me leave? Do you know what you are getting yourself into? Look. I'm gonna do you a big fucking favor right now. I'm gonna do the christian thing and turn the other cheek, and save myself the guilt of nearly killing you. Now unzip your pants and let's get this over with...

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