Aaaarrrrgghhh! My Fucking Hand!

"One of my greatest passions is fitness. I would be the happiest woman in the world if I could just tan and relax and workout all day.  I go to the gym everyday of the week and twice on weekends, and have always struggled with the big, heavy glass doors at the entrance.  The other day I was walking out after a particularly hard workout when my phone rang.  I was fishing in my purse for it while holding open the door when.... Snap!  The door fucking crushed my fucking finger!  Cunt fucking whore!  Oh, Jesus.... God fucking damn this fucking hurts!  No, God!  My finger is fucking CROOKED!  Aaagggh!" -  Bonnie Arthur, Granger NV

"I grew up surrounded by wilderness, and to this day most of my personal hobbies and pastimes involve the outdoors.  I particularly enjoy horseback riding and archery.  A few months ago I had just finished a Saturday afternoon excursion with my favorite horse when I decided to do some target practice with my compound bow.  After a few dozen shots without incident I faltered and the arrow slipped from by grip for a second and... Goddamn my fucking hand!  Aaaaghh sweet mercy it fucking hurts!  Why didn't it go all the way through?  Now I have to drive myself to the fucking emergency room....  Ahhhh!  It fucking burns!" -  Glen Boughby, Charlotte NC

"My girlfriend and I recently became engaged and decided to move in together.  This meant getting a bigger apartment and finally clearing out the bachelor pad.  I had mostly finished with all the small stuff when it came to moving furniture.  Well my fiancee wasn't much of a help in the heavy lifting department, so I was pretty much on my own with the couch.  I moved it slowly, inch by inch, and was trying to lower it gently down the porch steps when it began to slide.  I quickly grabbed hold and.... Fucking shit!  Goddamn fucking BASTARD!  Is it gone!?  Is it gone!?  Oh my God my fingernail was ripped off!  Aaagggh fucking hell it hurts!    Look at the blood!  LOOK AT IT!" -  Bryan Felcher, San Francisco CA

"I have been a hardworking man my whole life.  It's how my parents raised me.  I enjoy a good days work and have never done a desk job, nor could I.  With over twenty years of labor under my belt without serious injury I stopped being as careful as I should be last year at the factory.  I was working on the fanblades in the jet lathe and forgot to cut the power first, when Jackie bumped the instrument panel and... Holy fucking agony!  Oh, cruel God  kill me now!!  My flesh has been spiral cut like a honey-baked ham!  God make it stop!  PLEASE God make the pain stop!" -  Hank Frother, Benton CT

Lethargic Mahat - Hotdog In My Hamburger

I would like to present a lovely song I discovered in my music vault. The band is "Lethargic Mahat". The Song is "Hotdog in My Hamburger". If you can stop from masturbating long enough to give it a listen, you will be disappointed.

-

Bear Is Amazing And Noble Beast!

Bear and man has for many years been inseparable, since back in the times when man chase food with sticks and rocks.  Bear represents power, honor, and sexual virility to rest of the animal kingdom.  Here is bear being large and quiet.  He does not need to be loud because he is powerful, and he fears no other animals.  Look into bear's eyes.  Bear is looking back at you.

 Many men owe their livelihood to bear.  Bear has given much effort and served well in many ways.  If dog was not so eager to please bear would be called man's best friend.  Bear can work for man as transportation, and works better than car because car cannot maul attackers, only run them over.  This man is very old because bear protects him in dangerous village.  He was certain to die many times if bear did not devour attackers.

 Bear is also excellent racing animal.  Although very fast themselves, bear prefer to race as jockeys.  Bear make excellent jockeys because they can speak to horse.  Bear tells horse "If you are slow I will eat you.  I am bear." and horse always run very fast.  Although some bear is very large, other bear are small and make good jockeys.  Look at super fast bear win races!

 But sadly some bear hurt man.  Man is too bold when walking in bear territory and forgetting he is delicious.  When bear makes man dead many other men attack bear.  Bear is not used to attacks and runs away from aggressive man.  Man is very angry and chases bear with stick, hoping to make bear hurt or dead.

Men learn to enjoy hurting bear and tries to find new ways to fight.  Man covers bear mouth and claws and fights him.  Although very funny watching at the time, man changes to thinking this is cruel to bear.  Actors in movies and politicians make hurting bear not good anymore, and man stops bear-punching sports.  Now man only shoots bear, and only if he gets bear killing license.

Far from wanting to hurt bear, man now loves bear.  Some man likes to pretend to be bear, have body hair and growl like bear.  Internet has many pictures of man-bear like this picture.  Man-bear shows how much happy he is.  He is very happy to be man-bear.

Getting Hungry with Dolly Peen

Dolly Peen

Hey ya'll!  It's me, your dear old friend, Dolly Peen!!  You looks like you could use a bit of fattenin up.  Well sit yourself down there and I'll make you a nice healthy bowl of oatmeal.  That'll stick to your ribs!!

I’m gonna start with five fistfuls of sugar… I’m gonna add two mouthfuls of packed light brown sugar. I’m gonna do a twenty second drizzle from a bottle of white corn syrup. I’m gonna toss in one armful of warm butter.  Now doesn't that sound utterly delicious? And I’m gonna throw in one half bucket of extra heavy whipping cream.  Now I'm gonna whip this until it is even and frothy.     What's wrong honey??  Not hungry for oatmeal?  Well let's bake you up somethin else!  You know I love to cook. *Tee Hee*

Well how about a nice salad?  Mmmmmmm!  I make a delicious, healthy salad.  First I am going to take a whole head of iceberg lettuce.  Now we wanna chop this lettuce into teeny tiny bits.  The small bits of lettuce are much more useful at sopping up this vat of fresh squeezed mayonnaise!!  My mouth is watering as I speak!  Now we want to toss the lettuce and mayonnaise together in a big bowl.  Oh but we're not done yet sugar!  Now we add sugar!  As much as you like.  Nothing makes a salad pop like a few handfuls of white cane sugar.  Now we will add our buttered croutons and butter dressing and Ta-Da! Salad A La Peen!

You can't just have a salad, you'll waste away.  Let me make you somethin special.  A secret family recipe.  Its made out of a vegetable, so you know it's healthy.  My favorite meal.... "DiaBeetes".  Now before you even start cookin those beets you need to fry up an infants weight in bacon.  Now you can go straight ahead and eat all that bacon, but don't ya'll go dumpin that grease in the toilet.  We need it for our beets!  Now cut up the beets into thin hunks.  Now dip the chunks in cream, then into whipped eggs, then into cake crumbs, now through it in the hot bacon grease.  OOOH!!  Look at it sizzle! 

Now we take it out of the fryer.  Wait for it to cool and dip it in cream and egg again.  Now wrap that in raw bacon.  Make sure to cover every inch now!  Dip the baconed beet into the cream, egg and cake crumbs and toss it back into the fryer.  Don't burn yourself now, that grease is delicious but very hot.  Once it is golden brown, we remove it from the fryer.  Now before the grease shakes off, toss the hot goodness into powdered sugar.  The searing bacon grease will melt the powdered sugar and it will make a crisp candy shell.  Isn't that clever!  Eat up now,  before it cools!  Enjoy your DiaBeetes everybody!!



-

Avoiding Civic Duty

 This morning I woke up and performed my civic duty in typical American fashion: involuntarily.  I went to the courthouse and served as a juror for the second time in my life, and managed to be dismissed by pretending to have tourette's syndrome and interrupting the judge every four minutes by screaming "Cunt!  Fucking anal whore!" and so on.  That got me thinking... What are the best ways to avoid being selected as a juror?

The judge gives you ample opportunity to save yourself the burden of participating in the justice system by asking several questions to the jury before selection begins.  The man in front of me said that he held a bias against the local police department because "they are all a bunch of ticket-mongers".  Another woman claimed that once saw a house burn down and it would be too much for her to serve on an arson case (how convenient).

These people are rookies.  The lawyers will see right through your objections and select you out of spite.  You have to appear willing to serve, and demonstrate that you would be a terrible choice for the jury.  I say that you wait for a bathroom break and then spark a conversation with a stranger.  Then loudly tell a racist joke, making sure the whole court can hear.  Bonus points if your joke targets the race of the defendant or judge.

Another great trick is to pick a person in the courtroom, if you are a man make sure it is a female, then just stare at them throughout the proceedings.  Whenever the court tries to get your attention shout loudly and act startled.  After a few outbursts one of you will have to go, and hopefully it will be you.

Reverse psychology will work in this scenario if applied properly, as well.  Act super enthusiastic to participate in jury duty, listen attentively and sit up straight.  Then periodically wink at the defendant.  You will certainly be confronted for tampering with the trial, so just deny any wrongdoing and repeat.  They will have to let you go.

For advanced tactics, spend the last twelve hours eating chili until you are sick.  Bark out a few five-syllable farts and the court will throw you out.  At first you may only be granted a bathroom break, but persist with the flatulence and you will win in the end.  Sneak in a stinkbomb for emergency assurance.

And there you have it.  A comprehensive list of proven methods to avoid your civic duty.  Thank me on the way out of the courthouse.

Popular Irony - The Comic Strip #2

Hey Folks!!  Did you hear the news about Joe Paterno?  Poor old guy.  In honor of his death, here is something utterly tasteless.  Enjoy!

Popular Irony - The Comic Strip #2 - Click for a larger version

-

Newt Punching An Old Woman

NEWT WINS IN SOUTH CAROLINA!!  USA USA OWWWW!!!  WOOO HOO!!  AMURICA!!

-

A Man, A Musket, And A Murder Vol 6

 Vic Musket stood in the shadow of the Renaissance Tower in downtown Dallas.  He was awkwardly dropped off by a big rig in the middle of the morning traffic rush at the heart of the city, and was now faced with the task of tracking down a powerful businessman that once vowed his life to a filthy teenage alcoholic.  A teenage alcoholic that grew into a middle-aged alcoholic and now stood accused of a murder he didn't commit.  But even with this weighing in on him the only desire in his mind was to wash his face, and as soon as he reached the gutter he eagerly splashed the putrid water onto his chin and scrub away with his jacket sleeve.  Visions of the lady trucker's legs parting replayed in his mind, reminiscent of someone pulling open a hot grilled cheese sandwich.  Only less tasty.

Satisfied that his beard smelled more like the putrid water and less like trucker snatch, Vic marched over to the massive tower and entered into the lobby.  This wasn't going to be easy.  Vic knew the man's name was Bertram Stokely, but was positive that the man himself would recognize him only by sight, not by name.  And he was going to have a hard time explaining their relation to the likes of a receptionist.

Twenty years prior the two men met here in Dallas.  Bert was a slacker college student away from home for the first time in his life, and Vic Musket was a 17 year old hustler and gambler that called the streets home.  They both happened to be in a seedy bar in the wrong part of town, Bert was there pursuing a prostitute, and Vic practically lived in the men's room at the time.

Over the course of the night Vic watched the college kid get more and more aggressive with the whore they called "Candy", but was really named "Mildred" as he progressed to increasing stages of drunkenness.  The two were dancing in a way that looked like it required contraception when suddenly Candy started shouting.

"You motherfucker!  You just jizzed all over my favorite stockings!  That's gonna cost you." She started pulling visibly stained nylons from her ample legs while the embarrassed Bert sheepishly looked on.

It turned out he was trying to lose his virginity, and couldn't control himself.  Now he had Candy AND Sweet Teddy the pimp demanding he pay double the going rate for the pop and the cleanup. They kinda had a point, and Bert would have gladly paid.  But when he announced that he only brought $43.76 to cover drinks, a few games of pool, and a lay...  Sweet Teddy pulled a knife.

These days Vic Musket would have sat and gladly watched as Sweet Teddy gutted the rich kid in front of him.  But twenty years ago Vic still had some humanity left in him, and quickly rose to the helpless boy's aid.  Drunkenly stumbling between the two men, Vic grabbed Bert by the collar and managed to drag him out of the front door onto the sidewalk.  Once Vic looked around and saw that Sweet Teddy hadn't followed them outside he looked and was surprised to see that Bert appeared to be unharmed.  Unharmed but appearing to be in shock, staring at Vic's chest.  Vic traced his gaze to the area just below his collar bone, which now had a large switchblade handle sticking out of it.  As Vic slumped to the ground Bert snapped out of his daze, and proclaimed that he would go to get help, and frantically thanked him for saving his life.  As Vic passed out he felt Bert stuff something into his pocket.  He said something, but it was lost to Vic's fading consciousness.

After awakening in a hospital room the next day, Vic was told about how they had received an emergency call from an anonymous young man that saved his life, and he required a blood transfusion.  Vic raised hell until they gave him his stuff back, and angrily checked himself out of the hospital against the urgings of hospital staff, and before the police arrived.  When he stuffed his hand into the pocket he pulled out a card.  A student ID with the name "Bertram Stokely" on it.

Twenty years later Vic stood in front of the receptionist at the head office of a multi million dollar corporation and held out that very ID card.  "Take this to Mr. Stokely and tell him an old friend is here to meet with him." Vic said it forcefully enough to draw no complaints from the 19 year old temp behind the desk.  She ushered off to deliver the message without uttering a response.  Vic waited.

To be continued...

It's Warmachine Craft Time Bitches!! Part 1

Sup Bitches?  Why don't you strap your shit in nice and tight and get ready for fucking rocketship ride to a land of motherfucking fantasy and magic.  I know you're saying "What What??"  Well don't start tripping bitches for I, Hershel Moore Esq., shall be your guide to the wonders of the badass, motherfuckng, 30 mm tabletop miniatures battle game, WARMACHINE!!

Hershel Moore Esq.

It took many months of deliberation to choose which meaty cock of an army I would choose as my hand of motherfucking destruction.  After arduous study, my decision was made.  I chose the armies of reeking, undead machinations.... The Cryx!  HAIL CRYX!!  HAIL DRAGONFATHER!!  HAIL TORUK!!

 

Pistol Wraith Variant Motherfuckers!!

I decided to start with a 25 point army.  Those bitches down at the Hobby Barn are not going to know what motherfucking slapped it's fat dick on the sides of their pouty, moist faces.  It shall be I!  Hershel of the Cryx!  My first miniature is a Pistol Wraith with the Variant pose, "Flamey Hair".  Above is that bitch in a box.

Take That Bitch Out Of The Box!!

First you take that bitch out of the box and you file off all the really sharp edges and little fucking scraps leftover from casting.  I did not take any pictures of me filing.  Maybe next time bitches!  Try to find the seem from the casting and give it a file or two.  Just look for it, it's obvious when you see it.  Smooth that shit out.  Fuck yeah!

Do You Like My Pin Vice Inside Of You??

 Now you are ready to drill and pin.  Find out wear the two pieces are going to fit together.  Now take your little hand drill and drill a little hole. Oh shit!  there is pewter scraps all over my nice antique table.  You should have used a piece of cardboard or something you dumb shit!

Stuff That Drill Up In There!

Now drill out the top part.  Be fucking smart about it, ok? You are going to glue a tiny brass rod between the two pieces of the miniature to stabilize it.  Don't be fucking stupid and drill the holes all fucked up so your miniature doesn't sit straight.  Fuck, that would be fucking stupid if you did that.

Look At His Tiny Fucking Gun!  Adorable!

You have to drill and pin the little bits too.  Don't be a fucking pussy.  Super glue alone won't hold these bitches together for long!  You'll look like a real asshole if you are Warmachineing it up with some hardcore wiggers and your miniature falls apart like some wannabe player bitch!

Snip Snip..... Motherfucker!

Now stuff some brass rod up in there!  He fucking loves it!  Clip that shit off... But not too short!  You can always make it shorter later but you can never make it longer again.  Dipshit.

Stuff Both Of My Ends With Brass!!

See how that shit is going to fit together??  Soon enough this Pistol Wraith is gonna be pillaging some Horde bitches back door! It will be all like * BAM BAM BAM BAM*  *UHHHHMM UH UH*  * Do you know what I just did inside your backdoor??*

Not Just For Sniffing!

Super glue.  A dab will do ya!  Put a small drop on top of your hole.  Insert the brass rod niblett.  Let that dry a bit.  Now apply glue to the other side of the miniature and insert the other side of the rod.  Quickly now fucker!  You don't have much time.  Position the two pieces to your liking and hold it... hold it... hold it.... OK!  Now, how does it look?  Well too fucking bad, it's glued already!

I Know, OK!?

Now, I know that shit is not perfectly flush.  OK!?  I am going to take a bit of putty and fill in the gaps around the waist later!  Fuck!  It will look better Goddammit!!  Then I glued the motherfucking arm on.  It is going to be so badass! 

BOOM BOOM BITCHES!!

Next, I plan to putty, primer and paint this bitch, and other bitches.  But not fucking now! OK?!.  Please join me again for my further adventures in 30 mm tabletop miniatures battle gaming.  Warmachines forever bitches!!  HAIL CRYX!!


-

Censorship Upholds National Tradition- Join CUNT Today!

 

 If you have been on the internets today you might have noticed that some of your favorite sites have been changed, or even shut down entirely.  Most notably Google, Wikipedia and Reddit have all adopted temporary changes to raise awareness of the possible upcoming votes on the Stop Online Piracy Act, and the Protect IP Act, known as SOPA and PIPA.  With Popular Irony being at the proverbial "tip of the spear" when it comes to political issues of national awareness, we have been receiving numerous requests to join the fight.  So tonight we bring you the new pro-censorship organization CUNT (Censorship Upholds National Tradition).

 

We here at CUNT have developed a mission statement that helps explain our stance on SOPA and PIPA.   

"We understand mankind to be inherently evil and incapable of unprovoked kindness, and agree that censorship should be mandated by the government to situations including, but not limited to: actions or speech made in public, in the workplace, on the internet/social networking sites, and in your personal home.  We believe that with the proper control speech can remain both free and establishment-friendly, promoting a global culture of homogeneous thought."

But before you allow your closed mind to judge us harshly by our support for censorship, take a few moments to imagine a world without it.  Just think, you are working for a multi-national corporation, reviewing your email for the week when you notice it:  Gary from accounting has attached a little cartoon featuring Adolf Hitler raping Anne Frank on the Quarterly Business Review file.  And you KNOW the home office in Israel isn't going to appreciate this expression of individualism.  Or maybe you send your ten year old daughter off to elementary school for the day, thinking she is safe in the hands of our nation's fine educators.  But then she comes home crying and tells you all how they learned all about alternative sexual practices culminating in a full-length viewing of "2 girls 1 cup".  Now she is terrified of soft serve icecream.

 

So you now understand that this is a slippery slope, America.  And sometimes to be free you have to trust your master, as your dog has trust when you are on the other end of the leash.  And frankly I am comforted by the knowledge that there is a man on the other side of the curtain, making sure my sensitive eyes see only the PG-13 version of the world around me.  It saves me all the effort of forming my own opinions, which requires a lifetime of exhausting evidence review, bipartisan debate, and tedious listening.  I mean, we have all accepted that someone else changes our oil, does our taxes, even raises our children!  Why isn't the internet community celebrating SOPA and PIPA as revolutionary progression towards our end goal of automating our lives?  Soon we will be able to relax and focus on being productive little members of society while the government relieves us of the burden of free thought.  Besides, wouldn't heaven be just as beautiful if it was painted in shades of gray?