If you have been on the internets today you might have noticed that some of your favorite sites have been changed, or even shut down entirely. Most notably Google, Wikipedia and Reddit have all adopted temporary changes to raise awareness of the possible upcoming votes on the Stop Online Piracy Act, and the Protect IP Act, known as SOPA and PIPA. With Popular Irony being at the proverbial "tip of the spear" when it comes to political issues of national awareness, we have been receiving numerous requests to join the fight. So tonight we bring you the new pro-censorship organization CUNT (Censorship Upholds National Tradition).
We here at CUNT have developed a mission statement that helps explain our stance on SOPA and PIPA.
"We understand mankind to be inherently evil and incapable of unprovoked kindness, and agree that censorship should be mandated by the government to situations including, but not limited to: actions or speech made in public, in the workplace, on the internet/social networking sites, and in your personal home. We believe that with the proper control speech can remain both free and establishment-friendly, promoting a global culture of homogeneous thought."
But before you allow your closed mind to judge us harshly by our support for censorship, take a few moments to imagine a world without it. Just think, you are working for a multi-national corporation, reviewing your email for the week when you notice it: Gary from accounting has attached a little cartoon featuring Adolf Hitler raping Anne Frank on the Quarterly Business Review file. And you KNOW the home office in Israel isn't going to appreciate this expression of individualism. Or maybe you send your ten year old daughter off to elementary school for the day, thinking she is safe in the hands of our nation's fine educators. But then she comes home crying and tells you all how they learned all about alternative sexual practices culminating in a full-length viewing of "2 girls 1 cup". Now she is terrified of soft serve icecream.
So you now understand that this is a slippery slope, America. And sometimes to be free you have to trust your master, as your dog has trust when you are on the other end of the leash. And frankly I am comforted by the knowledge that there is a man on the other side of the curtain, making sure my sensitive eyes see only the PG-13 version of the world around me. It saves me all the effort of forming my own opinions, which requires a lifetime of exhausting evidence review, bipartisan debate, and tedious listening. I mean, we have all accepted that someone else changes our oil, does our taxes, even raises our children! Why isn't the internet community celebrating SOPA and PIPA as revolutionary progression towards our end goal of automating our lives? Soon we will be able to relax and focus on being productive little members of society while the government relieves us of the burden of free thought. Besides, wouldn't heaven be just as beautiful if it was painted in shades of gray?