|Father Dunson Gramalazzo
One of those Goombas was banging on my front door. It caused me to rush out of my backdoor so quickly that I forgot my eye-patch. It's a little irritated, so just try to ignore the pulsing cavity.
Sure you claim to have the power of Christ on your side, but when it comes to results? I call bullshit! I bet every fucking cent on that "holier than thou" fuck and look what I got, dick-shits! I mean give me a fucking break, 45 to 10!? All that praying and he only gets 10 points. I tell you folks, this has utterly erased all faith I had in Jesus and Christianity as a whole. Well with that, let's start the sermon.
O my God, my Redeemer, behold me here at Thy feet. From the bottom of... you know, I was never really a fan of Tebow. that shit got annoying fast. I was at a super market a couple weeks ago and I had to tie my shoe. There I am, on one knee, tying away, when this little girl points and me and says "He's Tebowing Mommy!" I screamed "I'm not Tebowing I'm tying my shoe you ugly bitch! The mother did not see the humor in it at all. Oh... What was that? Mrs Mackenzie?! That was you and little Sasha at the grocery store? Ha Ha! Small world isn't it?
You will notice that the collections plate will be making the rounds a little more frequently today. Give generously or you might be looking for a new Chief for this Catholic hoopa-joop. What is that Mrs. Rashton? Why should you pay for my gambling debts? You always gotta open your fat mouth don't you Mrs. Rashton? I did it for us, people, all of us... Do you know what I could have done with that money?? Do you!? Shit man!... We could have gotten real stained glass in the windows. Not that colored, cellophane, window cling shit! I mean look at it! It looks like a short-bus art project. Is that supposed to be Jesus or Spongebob!? I ask you!!
And look at what the alter boys are wearing. Those are chef's uniforms. I'm not proud of it. At least my clothes are the real deal. My vestments are pimp and I look dandy as candy. Do you know how I did it!? Gambling motherfuckers! Now seriously, raise your hand if you thought Tim Tebow was going to lose to the Patriots. Anybody?..... Hmmmmm?! Thats right! It was a sure thing! We all thought God had his back with that halo in the sky thing last week. Motherfucker! The only thing I can think of is that Tim Tebow pissed off God.
He can't be that squeaky clean. There has to be some sort of dark underbelly to Tim Tebow. What if.... after the Steelers game...... He went down Colfax Avenue and picked up a transexual prostitute. Oh don't start moaning now people, it gets worse. Now here's our boy Tebow, in a dirty Denver hotel room with this shemanstitute and he's just blowing the shit out of shim. But at the point of orgasm, as he always does, he bites the tranny's dick off. How about that!? That could have done it! Serial fellatio-castration is not smiled upon by Jesus and all his holy pals.
Maybe he's into kitten stomping porn? Maybe he has a secret collection of lucky baby feet. I don't know. It just doesn't feel right to have an actual positive role model. I think we have all been burned in the past by our sports heroes and their actions, but maybe.... just maybe... Tim Tebow is the real thing...... Probably not, At one time, he probably acted as a "coyote" for a group of desperate Mexican immigrants. He successfully transported them across the US / Mexico border, but soon drove the locked van into Lake Mead. I like to think that he vigorously masturbates on the shore while watching the panel-sided tomb list slowly beneath the waves. There's got to be some sort of hideous skeleton in his closet.
Until the day that his horrors are revealed, we can all take comfort in the knowledge that God only likes people for so long before they become annoying. Sometimes God just wants to watch TV without you begging him for good health, happiness or a game winning touchdown pass. Anything in moderation is OK. That counts for prayers and cocaine.