|Homeless MacGyver makes new legs|
As our faithful readers already know, I, Hamtackle, have been laid off from my job at the end of next week. But this afternoon I found a twenty dollar bill blowing past my car while entering my employer's parking lot. Normally I would not abruptly stop and chase after currency, but I am going to be poor soon, so don't fucking judge me. This little bit of charity that fate brought me is not unwelcome. In fact, between this and the rise of a certain Tim Tebow, I may soon be changing my atheist ways. This newfound faith has given me false hope and has inspired me to come up with a few moneysaving tips to help us all get through these tough times. Together we can make it. But come between me and a free meal these days and I will fucking kill you.
First order of business is the expense of condoms. I go through these things like a free clinic goes through penicillin, not because I get laid a lot, but because I prefer to wear them under my boxers while I go about my workday, just so I am prepared in case there is an accident and some beautiful girl needs emergency copulation. Call me an optimist. But I have learned through trial and error that rubbers are reversible! That's right folks, if you run them under the tap after use you can turn them inside-out for double the enjoyment, and at half the cost!
Another great way to save a few dollars is by supplementing your diet with complimentary condiments! Every time you patronize a fast food joint or diner, seize the opportunity to fill your pockets with jelly packets, ketchup and mustard, mayo and relish, and whipped butter pads. You will be thanking your lucky stars when your tummy is grumbling, and it might even keep you out of "dick-sucking territory" when it comes to financial ruin.
Piracy! Not only can you save a bundle on your entertainment costs, but you can also add a positive income flow through the wonder of pornography! The internet is a wonderful place where almost everyone can have their wildest sexual desires fulfilled with a simple online search. But some people are just not internet savvy, or have rather "unique" tastes that cannot be satisfied with the majority of mainstream porn websites. That is where you come in. Using your no doubt excellent skill at locating dirty websites, burn dvds of a wide genre of porn, from girl on girl to gangbangs for the technologically challenged and elderly types, and from tentacle porn to urethra tuning for the more eccentric types. Your costs will be covered and then some with minimal effort and a steady stream of perverted friends and neighbors.
And there you have it, people. Three ways to turn your economic woes around and become a financial success! We may not be the 1% quite yet, but goddammit we are working on it!