Monday, January 16, 2012

Conditional Employment: The White-Collar Aphrodisiac

First off, I want to have a very informal discussion here, so just call me Phil, okay?  I have invited you to this meeting, Susan, to discuss your future within this fine company.  You know that the boys at corporate have been pushing the cutbacks on us since last quarter, and I am afraid that if it keeps up like this we might lose some familiar faces around here.  Now, you have always done a great job, you come in on time and cover for your coworkers when asked, and everybody really likes you on a personal level.  And let me just say that I have always found you to be a very intelligent and capable woman, and a total asset to the team.

This is why I wanted to give you the first opportunity to secure your future employment here with us.  You have to understand that being an excellent employee, a pleasant person, and a beautiful woman is sometimes not enough.  Sometimes you need to take two cold, arthritic fingers downstairs while licking the mothball scent off of a geriatric man's nipple.  And before you make a rash decision let me explain myself here.

You see, while I am only a moderately wealthy man and have little power beyond the walls of this building, I do control the employment of everyone on this floor.  Now if I were the VP of Operations, or the Vendor Administrator, maybe I would be forcing Jessica from Recruiting to swallow some of my body hair while punching my kidneys, but I have to settle for you.  So before you go getting all offended by this proposition just remember that I am not exactly thrilled to be taking advantage of a brunette that is over thirty, but we all have to accept our lot in life.

So what do ya say, Susan?  It's boner o'clock and crazy Phil is giving away job extensions for a limited time only!  Do you still want this job or do I have to go get Brenda from the stock room?....  That's it, atta girl.  Now go get the greased feather-duster out of the liquor cabinet and put on your gloves, and if you think you are going to throw up aim for the barn tarp.

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